Step this way Sir and bend over …..
I just arrived back recently from my annual five week stint in the LOS. Quite a bit has changed in the 12 months I have been away, but in other ways nothing has changed.
This record is just my musings and observations on different experiences that I had – not in any particular chronological order of events or importance.
1. Step this way Sir and bend over whilst we shaft you!
In spite of telling myself each year as I fly out that I will not let myself be annoyed or get involved in confrontation when I am about to be screwed – it still boils my blood and I find it intolerable.
Along with my Thai girlfriend of four years, I had been staying at a lovely guesthouse called Finlay's Cottage in Soi 4/A Thae Phae Rd Chiang Mai. I wanted to move a bit closer to my old mate 'Dr Hill the love doctor'. My babe and I always give him a hard time because he is a doctor of psychology and he writes for medical journals and scientific magazines. He has had more girlfriends in the last four years than a man could decently have in a lifetime. Hence his very deserving handle of the doctor of love.
He is fortunate enough to be able to live anywhere in the world because all of his work is done via email. We were good friends when I lived in Chiang Mai for the two years I spoke of in one of my earlier submissions, however when I was mentalised by that lunatic in my story and had to leave the country in a hurry, I haven't caught up with the Love Doctor in a while.
He was now residing near Neeman Hamon Rd (spelling??), so my girlfriend and I left Finlay's cottage and headed over to be closer to the Doctor of Love. We found a very nice residence which was actually nicer than the one previously mentioned. It was a brand new high-rise apartment building with security and under parking. They had short term rooms to rent and were only 500 baht per night. That included a proper Western shower (one with its own cubicle and curtain and the water did not rain down onto the toilet bowl), a big fridge and air conditioning.
I was delighted to find a vegetarian restaurant nearby. One could get a buffet during the day for only 80 baht and could partake of all the wonderful vegetarian delights one could but dream of. No need to go thru the gruelling rigmarole that I am usually faced with when trying to order food that has not been plastered with pork or something equally horrendous.
We had visited here on a few occasions and we parked the car in the adjoining car park. We returned one evening to see a surly looking character sitting on his 'moto cy' watching our car. We were the only ones parked there so we had his undivided attention. He jabbered away in Thai to my girlfriend asking us to pay for the parking. She informed him we were customers of the vegetarian restaurant and had eaten there earlier. He then indicated that we would be exempt from paying for parking because we were patrons of the restaurant. So one can imagine I was sure by now that parking here was ok and intended to do so thereafter.
The following day we had our nice vegetarian meal and leisurely wandered over to the car to then visit the delightful Doctor of love for a few more pointers on what to do and what not to do regarding all things relational and Thai. We were met with the scowls of an even surlier and porkier individual from the one we had encountered the prior evening. We jumped in the car and I just started to back out when there was a tap on the window. There was a young Sheila from the noodle bar across the road jabbering away to me in Thai. I recognised her uniform so I wound the window down and she started to address my girlfriend.
My girlfriend told me that she said the parking lot did not belong to the vegetarian restaurant, that it belonged to them – the noodle bar – and we consequently owed them 50 baht. We told her of our experience with the guy the evening before and how he had told us that patrons of the vegetarian restaurant could park here free of charge.
She then pointed to a miniscule sign taped up high on the brick wall stating that parking here would incur a fee of 50 baht, payable to the noodle bar. Hey Presto – we had just been screwed. Now fifty baht is not much money to me – not even a couple of bucks – but I felt really pissed that I had just been had.
I remember sitting in the car recalling many stories that I have read on Stickman where guys end up beaten and bleeding, being dragged off to some Thai shit-hole jail, all over the price of a beer that they did not order. I remember the advice of the perennial Stick – bugger principle, just pay up and shut up (my paraphrase).
However I did decide to push it a bit and see what would happen. I knew that she had me good and proper by the short and curly ones – all because I had failed to see a sign that one would need a pair of binoculars to view. My pleadings regarding the incident the night prior where we were informed that we could park here free if we were patrons – were of no avail.
My babe was very angry and told the girl in Thai that we would not be paying the parking fee. With that the old barrel of lard leaning against the car opposite us muttered something to the noodle girl in Thai. I asked my girlfriend what he said, she replied that he had told her that if we did not pay that she was to stop us going.
I still wanted to see how far these idiots would go over a couple of bucks so I indicated to the girl in my poor Thai that we would not be paying. The car was still idling so I put it in reverse and started to back out from where the car was parked. With that the old surley barrel of lard, sauntered over and leaned through the car and grabbed my arm. He tried to wrench me from the car so I shoved his arm away and wound up the window. He was very angry and barked something in Thai. My girlfriend said he told her to pay the money or he would make very big trouble for us.
Doesn't this really give one the shits! Here are two people minding their own business, doing what we believed to be right and suddenly – through some indiscretion – we are now held prisoner and unless we cough up said goodies, there is going to be big trouble. I can truly believe the stories in Stickman; these shallow-minded mercenary bastards will do one bodily harm over a matter of a couple of bucks. I truly believed from the grip on my arm and the look on the face of old lard-guts, that if I was not forthcoming with the 50 baht that there would be hell to pay.
Things like this really spoil Thailand and one has to be ready to eat humble pie on occasions in order to avoid waking up in a ditch by the side of the road. I truly fear for newcomers travelling to Thailand. I have been there countless times and lived in Chiang Mai for two years so I know how far to push things and when to back down. However a lot of newcomers don't realise this and push the issue – to their detriment. These are the blokes who end up with a 50,000 baht lawyer's bill and an equally sized bribe to be paid to the boys in brown. The alternative is to rot away in some shithole for the next ten years.
I grabbed the fifty baht and flung it at the wench in a belligerent fashion. I muttered a curse in English but not sure if she understood that or not.
Don't believe the utter twat you hear people saying "Oh Thais are wonderful gentle people because they are Buddhists and pacifists and they wont do you any harm". If you doubt this in any way just look at the stick wielding red-coats who have recently held Thailand to ransom. They are probably the same ones smiling and gesticulating at tourists a few hours prior.
So next time you are asked to cough up for something that is totally unfair, or something that you did not order – be prepared to take the "chilly strapped on the broomstick – rammed up the rear end' treatment – or swallow your pride and cough up the meagre pittance and slink out of there with life and limb still intact.
2. "You come me long time Mr"??
This is a delicate subject and one hesitates to venture into this topic in any detail. Stick runs a family show here so I am not too sure what can and can't be said. However the catalyst for this musing was when I read a thread from one of the Stickmanites a few weeks ago – it was absolutely hilarious. The poor hapless bloke was wondering if he had a sexual problem because all he wanted to do was screw babes. Hell, if every bloke who lived that lifestyle or dreamed about it was locked up there would not be any 'normal' ones left to run the show!#$%^&!!
I purposely planted myself square in the middle of Sukhumvit, just down the road from the Nana Plaza. All of my other Thai exploits were pursued in Pattaya and the best of them were in Burma and Cambodia – on many occasions. However I wanted to meet up with the Stick this time and I knew that his lair included Soi Cowboy and the Nana Plaza. I thought it was time to make my acquaintance. I have also read many stories about this place from the wonderful musings of 'Brokenman repaired' (though he is not very 'repaired' at the moment)[email protected]#$%!! They always seemed to revolve around the Nana Plaza and the bevy of babes inhabiting Nana car park.
To set the scene for this story, I remember reading a recent submission from the Stick regarding ladyboys and the hapless victims who inadvertently lug one of these creatures home for the evening. I laughed and thought that it would never happen to me, I am too careful, but alas, I now have first-hand experience at how dreadful one feels making such an horrendous foux pas.
I have always been a sucker for very skinny girls – even bordering on anorexic is quite fine. I spotted the boneless object of my desires lurking in the shadows opposite the Nana Hotel. After a short conversation an agreement was made that suited both parties and off we wandered.
After the usual showering and ablutions I found myself gazing down into the face of a person that just did not look right. I could not quite work out what the matter was, but something just did not look like it should. I decided that there was only one way to be certain. I turned the said object of my desires over and parted the 'Khyber Pass'. I put on my glasses and gazed in just to see if everything was in order. Horror of Horrors – it looked as if a freight train had been up its rear end.
The words of Stick shouted as if audibly in my head – "If something does not look right then it probably isn't".
I leapt from the bed as if possessed – I pointed to the door and told it to get out. I was absolutely mortified as it grabbed its ID card, saying "me a lady, me a lady".
I didn't care – there was too much at stake and too much doubt to take a risk. I gave it 400 baht for its trouble and showed it the door (I say 'it' kindly – I only use that term because I cannot say with 100% clarity if it was male or female – I think it was a bloke).
If I had inadvertently consummated the act with such a creature methinks I would have felt like joining Stick's mates for the next batch of Pattaya flying club initiates!!
3. Hello Sir – massage???
Whilst in Thailand I always try and avail myself of some of the wonderful cheap massage that is on offer. I must have had hundreds of massages in Asia over the years. The amazing thing is though – true to Thailand and its surrounds – that it is always a mixed bag. The ones that look very promising and should be the best are often not, and the ones that look cheap and nasty can sometimes be fantastic.
I remember one awesome massage I had in a small massage shop one evening in Trat. I had just completed a long arduous journey from Cambodia. It was monsoon season and it had taken us 13 hours to complete the journey overland from Sihanoukville (I think by memory it is only about 120 k's). The mini bus had got bogged at one of the river crossings and took us 4 hours to get out.
It was late and I was very tired and weary. I booked into a cheap guesthouse for the night, awaiting my return to Pattaya the next day. I staggered up the road looking for a nice relaxing massage. Only one place appeared to be open. It looked rough on the outside and did not show a lot of promise. The owner was way too big for a Thai lady and not a nice petite little babe that I was used to. However it was Hobson's choice – that or nothing.
I can truly say this was the most amazing massage I have ever had. She had the right amount of candles, music, balm smelly gear etc to create the perfect ambience. Something that Thais usually know nothing about. They usually have the door wide open with street noise, ambient chatter and the assorted accompaniment to concoct an atmosphere resembling a circus. The massage itself was superb – even when she sat spread-eagled upon me with her ample lions thrust either side of my skinny arse.
I have always remembered that beautiful massage in Trat and have never quite been able to replicate it anywhere else.
One rule I have decided on however – and tend not to deviate from – is don't mix your massage up! If you want hanky-panky, then don't whatever you do try to get it on the pretext of a massage. The massage will be shit (boom boom girls are not usually trained in proper massage), and the sex probably not much better. In fact I have had them hurt me in the past because they have no idea what the are doing in the massage arena. In the early days I have oft staggered from an establishment feeling like I have gone a few rounds with Nathan Jones. Don't let boom boom girls touch you if you want legit massage.
If you want hanky-panky, pay for that alone and get that. If you want massage then look for a genuine massage establishment and pay for that service alone. Some foreigners go and grope the girl's breasts etc whilst they are trying to give a genuine Thai massage. You will be seen as a sleaze and the poor hapless girl will be bewildered and embarrassed.
With these thoughts in mind I set out to find a genuine massage experience around the Nana Plaza. Believe me they are available but probably few and far between in that area.
I found what I thought was one and said to the girls "no boom boom – just good massage". They indicated that this would be the order of the day.
I went into the room and changed into the funny old pyjamas that are provided. The young girl who had escorted me into the room came back looking much sexier and inviting than she had when she ushered me in. She had let her hair down and taken off her sarong revealing very short shorts and lots of leg. <If they change into shorts they are up for it, 100% sure! – Stick> I started to wonder if this was the normal order of events.
The massage started out very well and she was doing a great job. I was relaxed and really enjoying having all the tight bits and sore muscles poked and prodded.
She turned me over and started on the top side. All along we had a reasonably good conversation – her English was ok. The conversation consisted of all the usual stuff – where you from, how old you, you married etc?
I was certainly not prepared for and rather shocked when she suddenly grabbed my todger. She said "you want me do this one" – I said "no thanks, I just want good massage".
I noticed that her zeal for the massage had suddenly declined and I was now getting rather shabby treatment. She then pulled out her makeup kit from her purse. She told me that she had recently bought the makeup kit and it had cost her 1,500 baht. She asked me if I wanted to give her 1,500 baht to pay for her makeup kit.
I was rather angry that she had taken me in there all along – on the pretext of a good massage – to get the money to pay for the makeup kit. She asked if she could give me "yum yum" in return for the money. I told her no and said I had not come in for sex – only for good massage.
The whole thing turned pear-shaped after that. I was angry with her and she was miffed that she did not extract anything out of me. At the end of the day there were no winners.
This just goes to show that in Thailand you must always discuss the minutiae of your prearranged service. Leave anything open to conjecture and you will have a hassle at best, or end up grovelling on the ground with the boys in brown – all because you omitted to agree that the 'motor cy' ride was 50 baht or 150!
This is a great submission but it is rather damning on Thailand. The first story is common and is repeated in various guises, hidden charges and and deception being rather too common for customers' liking. The point you make in the past story is a very good one too, about not mixing up massage and hanky panky although I don't doubt there are some lasses proficient in both. I am sure many readers have been in an establishment where a sign in English clearly says no sex yet it was not just offered, but pushed upon the customer. It is quite disgraceful that the girl in your story dropped the service level a few notches when things didn't go her way. Sadly, that is all too common here. It is also a reason why many expats have a favourite massage girl and just stick with her. BKKSW wrote an excellent submission a few years back about how disappointed he was when his massage girl disappeared.