Don’t You Just Hate It…
Don’t you just hate it when you get off the plane and a woman throws a Lei over your head, and then says something incomprehensible as you wheeze from your allergy to Jasmine flowers?
And don’t you just hate it when you get into the taxi and the driver pulls out into the traffic and just misses a tourist bus because he is facing you as he tries to sell you a massage? What the hell is it with these morons? Do they think all arriving passengers need a bloody massage? I know it’s a long flight but how bad can you look by the time you arrive?
Oh man, don’t you just hate it when you get to your hotel and drag your 20kg of luggage up to the reception, dog tired, ready for bed or a good screw, and they ask you “What reservation?” This is after two phone calls from back home direct to the manager, or someone who said he was the manager, and lots of “Yesses”.
Then you step out of your hotel after a long sleep, followed by a hearty breakfast and a long cool shower and some asshole taxi driver leers up at you unctiously and asks “You want massage?” Gaaaaaaaah! Don’t you just hate it?
You stumble down the road, assailed by unimaginable smells, sights and sounds, beggar women holding comatose babies with snotty noses and beseeching eyes, and you fall down a hole in the pavement. What is it with the local government that they can’t fill in the holes? I mean, how hard can it be? Then don’t you just hate it when you pick yourself up and some grinning Thai says, “Be careful Krup. Hab hole.”
But worse, don’t you just hate it when you spot a bar, stagger into an airconditioned icy cold interior, sit on a bar stool and some fat broad immediately slaps an ice cold towel on the back of your neck? Great jumping Jehosaphat! Don’t they know a man could have a heart attack when the blood flow is frozen so suddenly?
Then another fat ugly plonker grins through betel nut stained teeth as she grabs you in a bear hug and asks you to buy her a drink. Don’t you just hate it when you have to come up with an excuse to reject her that won’t piss her off? What if she has a fucking stiletto stuck down that massive bra she is wearing?
So you gurgle out a feeble excuse, she calls you Keeneeow as she storms off, and you drain your beer in one gulp in an effort to get the image of her ugliness out of your mind, and copious amounts of alcohol in. And then you need a pee so bad that you stagger down the tight isle to the toilet cunningly hidden behind a heavy curtain that seems reluctant to let you enter the holy of holies. Ahhhhhhhh! You get in, whip out your dong and relax as you splash 500 Baht’s worth of beer over the porcelain. And don’t you just hate it when you are suddenly assaulted by some bloke giving you a neck massage fer chrissake? What the fuck is it with these bloody poofters? Then they expect you to tip them.
Finally, after many drinks and conversations with every ugly woman in the bar one of the prettiest ones finally deigns to notice you. She sashays over and immediately grabs your dong. You stand to attention expectantly. But don’t you just hate it when she says in a deep baritone, “You like go hotel?”
And don’t you just hate it when you stagger dazed and drunk out of that bar into another one and the best looking woman in the place immediately latches onto you? All you can think of is all the money you wasted in the other dead end bar instead of romancing this beauty. So you negotiate an immediate bar fine before you have to buy her more than a single lady drink.
Gleefully you head her out of the bar back to your hotel room and get her into bed. Well, almost. Don’t you just hate it when you are all fired up and ready to jump her bones and she pushes you away with a sexy smile and says, “You go shower first.”
I don’t want a bloody shower, you scream to yourself. But it’s not use arguing with her. You have to go through the bathing ritual anyway.
And it’s no good expecting things to work like they do back home. Don’t you just hate it when you step out onto a pedestrian crossing and a motorcycle almost knocks you down? And then the rider abuses the shit out of you for daring to step into his path? There’s only one excuse for this, or course. If you happen to be wearing all black or all white clothing the rider could be excused for not seeing you on the crossing. After all, he's under no obligation to look where he is going, is he?
What about when you go to a restaurant and order a three course meal? Don’t you just hate it when the waitress brings the dessert first, followed by the main course, and then she forgets the soup? Sure you do. They always forget the damn soup. Always, that is, unless you are accompanied by a Thai woman. Then the soup is all they remember isn’t it?
Or how about when you order something from the menu and the other people at the table order something that makes you change your mind. Don’t you just hate it when the waitress cannot understand that you want to change your mind and you don’t want the first thing you ordered any more? Even worse, when she finally brings the dishes, no one gets what they want anyway!
Don’t you just hate it when you meet a Thai for the first time and five minutes later he says you are his best friend in the whole world….oh, and would you like another whisky? It’s all downhill for the rest of the evening after that.
Even worse are the Thais who expect you to teach them English just because they are now your best friend. Don’t you just hate it?
Don’t you just hate it when you ask a Thai for directions somewhere? How come they don’t know where the hell anything is? You can be standing right next to the place you want to go and they will wave a vague hand in some direction and tell you to go down there.
Or even worse, don’t you just hate it when you have already walked five blocks in the steaming heat and you ask another kindly Thai for help, and he actually does a good Samaritan and walks you all the way back again to where you started out and points you in the right direction. But only after asking if you would like to go with him later to look at some fabulous rare Eastern gems that no one else in the world has ever been offered before? After all, he’s your best friend now. You can trust him. Can't you?
You meet a couple of farungs who have lived in Thailand and don’t you just hate it as they try to teach you how to be as cool as they are. They tell you how to treat the bar girls, how much to tip, where to go for the best hookers in the city, and how cool they are. Don’t you just hate it when you start wondering why they ever came to Thailand in the first place?
Nah! Not really. Living in Thailand can be frustrating, but when it’s all boiled down what other country in the world can be so damn frustrating yet so much fun to be in at the same time? So don’t you just hate it when someone says, “Don’t you just hate it….?”
Running out the door so will make comments later.