Stickman Readers' Submissions April 9th, 2009

What’s A Girl To Do?

I came across this website by chance about a week ago and have to say, it's really opened up a whole new world to me. As a woman living in Bangkok, I'd have to be naive not to realize what Thailand has become, in terms of the sex industry, but I never realized that there were so many interesting details in this bargirl world. I find it absolutely fascinating!! I have to admit that I never really paid much attention to the bar scene. I'm 100% Thai and come from a middle class family, but had the opportunity to grow up abroad, which makes me somewhat of a stranger in my own land at times.

Now that I am working and living in Bangkok, I have been asked out on dates by foreigners who work in the same company as I do. I'm quite comfortable around farangs, but have never dated one. Many of your readers have written that non-bar Thai girls are reluctant to go out with farangs because they don't want to be seen as bargirls or prostitutes. I think that is, or at least used to be, true in my case as well. It's sad that people automatically judge a Thai-farang couple as customer and working girl, but in most cases, they are correct in assuming, which is sadder still.

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I used to date the internationally educated Thai guys, but the community is so small here that my girlfriends and I just end up being hit on by the same guys we used to see out at parties in High School or are already close friends with most of the guys from this background. This leaves us with the Thai school educated men and the farangs.

I've accepted dates with some Thai men and frankly, I have to say I won't make that mistake again. At first they come off as open minded and really understanding. Then after a few weeks into the relationship they turn into the stereotypical controlling Thai male. They would complain that I go out too much, or that I drink too much (which is kinda true 🙂 but in my defense I can hold my liquor better than most Thai men) or that I have too many male friends. They have no concept of trust and treated me like I was their possession. And the jealousy was just too much for me to take. I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend, but many of the Thai men I’ve dated have cheated on me, which is ironic, because they were the ones who were always so jealous.

So, I let go of all my old misconceptions of farang men and started opening up to the advances made by the farang guys at work.

I accepted a date with one of farangs a few months back, and we got along really well. We went on several dates and I met his friends and he met mine. I went out one night with my friends and he was out too, so I left my friends to go see him. At this point we haven't slept together yet; actually, we haven't even kissed or held hands. So you can imagine my surprise when he introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends. I teased him about it the next day, but he said he doesn't remember doing that and he apologized. It wasn't a big deal, so we left it at that.

Things were going well and we finally did sleep together and I guess we were sort of dating but it was never official that we were a couple. I was talking to one of his close friends once, and he said that the guy I was seeing talked about me a lot to his friends before we started seeing each other. His friend told me the guy I was seeing said that it was nice to meet someone he could actually have conversation with because apparently his ex-girlfriends couldn’t really converse in English.

So, this is where I'm confused. About a month into seeing this guy, he disappears. He would reply if I texted him, but I would hardly hear from him first. It seemed like he wasn't interested anymore. I was a bit hurt by it, but of course, I can accept that not everything works out the way I want so one day I confronted him. I asked him what happened and he said he didn't know what I was talking about.

Sensing that he was just acting dumb to avoid confrontation, I decided to just end on good terms. I told him that maybe we should forget it and that I would like to still be friends. He said he's not in the right state of mind to be defining our relationship at this point. I told him I was fine with it and we ended on good terms. At this point, we both have left the company we used to work for so there was no awkwardness and no reason to bump into each other.

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A few days later I received a text from him and he kept texting me for the next few months. Not often, but every once in a while. They were not flirtatious messages, but since we were never great friends before we started seeing each other romantically, I didn't really understand what the point of these messages are. I replied with friendly messages but now I'm quite confused as to what happened and if he was still interested and if I had acted too quickly in ending the relationship.

It has crossed my mind that maybe he just wanted to sleep with me again, but he never asked to meet up, just random text messages, so I don't think he thought of me as a booty call. Just last night, he called me and we chatted briefly. It was all really friendly and he didn’t ask to meet me, but he said he would get in touch with me after the Songkran vacation. Now I’m sitting here wondering what is it that he really wants from me? My guy friends tell me I think too much like a Western girl and that I make things way too complicated than they really are. They told me I overreacted and should never have ended the relationship with this guy in the first place.

I would have to say I find men in general to be very confusing, whether they are Thai, Farang or international. So any advice would be greatly appreciated on this matter.

On a side note, I'd like to share my opinions about Thai girls in general. I don't know any bargirls or prostitutes personally, so I can't really say much about them but as for the "normal" non-bargirl I find that most are still very money-minded. I have some friends who have a university degree and good jobs and they still ask their farang boyfriends for a monthly allowance. I personally would never ask my boyfriend for an allowance, the last time I asked anyone for an allowance was my dad and that was when I was still in school. But as many of you have stated before, there are gold diggers everywhere in the world, but I think it’s more accepted and obvious here because in general Asian women are not taught to be dependent on first, their fathers, then later on in life, their husbands. It is my personal opinion that independence is not a prerequisite for an ideal wife in this society.

Stickman's thoughts:

This guy's follow up contact with you is really weird. It's the sort of thing I would expect a woman to do, not a guy. Guys usually have a little more purpose to what they do and guys' actions are usually not that difficult to figure out. Frankly, I don't know what he is up to and I wonder if he is "the full quid" so to speak.

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