Shaky Ladies Gentlemen’s Coffee Lounge
Me and many of my friends in Pattaya either don't drink alcohol or drink once in a blue moon. Usually we just drink coffee. Over-priced coffee I might add most of the time. It's cheaper back home, stronger too. Recently I've been feeling that I have missing out on enjoying the whole bar scene. I went to a gogo bar last week for the first time since living in Pattaya. Too much racket and the water cost 95 baht. What a rip off.
I prefer peace and quite and good conversation. The beach road promenade would provide most of my needs if it was not for the traffic noise and unbearable sinusitis inducing air pollution. The ladies are usually pleasant though, some of the time. For some reason they remind me of cows chewing the cud and grazing, except that it's som tam not grass being consumed.
After many months of detailed in-depth beach road girl investigation, I've concluded that the very few ladies that are hardened coffee fiends are always more fun, talkative, and want to clean my room afterwards! On the other hand, the alcohol drinkers and imbibers of the "special Thai caffeine substitute" are just an unreliable proposition most of the time.
This brings me to my sure fire business idea that will be the first in Pattaya, possibly the world. "Shaky ladies gentlemen's coffee lounge"! Picture this: Big comfy old-style couches and armchairs to relax in. Soft jazz and blues music playing in the background. Coffee roasted and blended on the premises. A Traditional Gaggia Italian espresso machine hissing and bubbling and churning out perfect macchiatos and any other time-honored coffee nectar. Of course, in the customary Pattaya manner, the coffees will be served by lovelies dressed in brown bikinis. Lady coffees will be a very reasonable 30 baht an espresso shot. On the hour, every hour, a special cappuccino milky frothy show will be performed in the Jacuzzi by three or more lactating "shaky ladies" with customer participation very welcome. Which reminds me of the very special show that we will be putting on during the Songkran festival on the beach road. Milk, not water, will be sprayed over the unsuspecting Russian family groups, and not a water pistol or bucket in sight.
Consider the following: you're drunk in a bar and the gorgeous beauty with halitosis and covered in dodgy tattoos is looking really hot. And in her eyes you look hot too (thanks to the eight lady drinks that you bought her at 100 baht a pop. And when you get back to your loom she mumbles "I to maow solly, tommolow ok teerak?" farts briefly, then passes out. Then you do as well. How romantic, and of course there's the hangover to consider in the morning and she wants to leave at seven am. Money well spent? I don't think so.
Consider the alternative: you walk into shaky ladies coffee lounge, and are welcomed by Lek our friendly professional bikini clad barista and her team of quivering girls. You are then invited to relax back into an old style very comfy arm chair. A group of five or so fellow coffee drinkers sitting on armchairs nearby are quietly discussing American foreign policy in Afghanistan and the plight of the native teak forests flora and fauna in north eastern Isaan. The shaky ladies sitting with the gentlemen are listening intently to all this talk of forestry and animal conservation and pipe in animatedly now and then with stimulating intellectual banter.
It would be only proper and culturally sensitive to invite a shaky lady to sit with you and drink coffee over the course of several hours. The hostesses love their espressos and will not be shy in drinking as many "lady coffees" as you can afford to buy them. In return you can expect to be rewarded with hour after hour of fascinating conversation from one or more of these beauties. A particular conversation favorite among the girls would have to be recent advances in quantum physics. May I possibly suggest that antique Thai pottery glazing techniques as an opening subject will probably win you one of those famous Thai smiles and looks of adoration.
After several hours (and several lady coffees later) the new love of you life will probably be twitching slightly and be looking slightly bug eyed. She (or they!) may start repeating themselves and stuttering slightly, kind of like Parkinson's or mild tourettes. No "watered down" Ladies coffee in this fine establishment thank you very much! If she really likes you she (or they) might say something like: y you vv velly hhh handsome ma ma m ma man I I I I I I www ww want Go yo yo your loom loom loom bbbb bb boooom accompanied by appropriate involuntary tics. Feel the love, go on, feel her heart, it's beating wildly with desire and high quality caffeine.
She won't sleep tonight. And neither will you… Think rabbits, or possibly those cute little furry squirrels that run up and down the trees all night on beach road.
Don't just talk about, do it! What a great concept!