Readers' Submissions

Thailand Can Damage your Marriage


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Maggie’s submission has started an interesting debate. She gave one side of the story about her broken marriage, and it would be illuminating to read the thoughts of her now-absent husband. Maybe, if he reads Stickman and if he is
interested in offering a balance, that will follow. Meanwhile, we had some excellent input from Postie.

He wrote that ‘If a husband is truly fulfilled in all respects by his wife then the worst that could happen is a momentary lapse of lust and not a marriage breaker. That's why I think Maggie needs some introspection and to look within to apportion
blame.’ Yes, and no. Maybe they both needed that introspection. The temptations in Thailand can be overwhelming. For many of us, Thai girls have so much more going for them than females in Farangland, at least on the surface. They are petite,
cute, polite, eager to please, more submissive and less demanding. Some western women might say that their being submissive is an insult to the cause of equality and resent them for it, but they then cannot be surprised if a man chooses the Thai
way over the Farang way. Obviously the man likes to be pampered. As Postie’s comment above suggests, when did you, Maggie, last snuggle up to your husband and make him feel loved and desired?

Nearly every marriage can become a little stale. What both parties need to do then, unless there really is a serious breakdown in communication, is adapt to it rather than walk away. These days it appears many can’t be bothered to make an effort
and couples split, the easy way out despite how traumatic it might be at the time, instead of working a little harder at it. Some cultures have arranged marriages. I once had an Indian lady boss who was in an arranged marriage, and I asked her
how that could possibly work. She told me they made the effort, worked at it, grew closer as time went on. In the so-called more progressive societies of the West, the opposite often happens. Things become boring, routine, and instead of trying
to stimulate the marriage many give up and go in search of something new.

In Thailand, possibly more than anywhere else, the availability of that something new is ridiculous. Many Thai women would fall over themselves to have a relationship with a foreigner, who they often see as more reliable and stable and more respectful
of them than Thai men. It’s all subjective of course, because for example men from Africa or the West Indies or the Middle East often prefer more ‘ample’ women, but the sheer number of stunners in Thailand would tempt a saint.
Spend just 30 minutes at a shopping mall and you’ll probably spot half a dozen women you’d like to get to know. Every time you ride the Skytrain someone will catch your eye. The temptation is huge and ever present. Some people are
snared within days of arriving, some might take weeks or months to be worn down, but often it is only a matter of time before the temptation and easy availability becomes too great to resist.

I write as someone who has been married for nearly 20 years, and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. For one thing, my wife has many excellent qualities that many have found elusive. For example, she is very careful with money and has never
spent wildly. I happily indulge her fetish for buying bags, so many they need a cupboard of their own, and for the cosmetics she feels she needs but I believe are unnecessary. She is a hard worker, and rather oddly clean but untidy. That is, she
cleans the house well, but leaves things laying around. Interesting combination. As well as her giving me no reason to complain about her role as a housewife, it would be grossly unfair and selfish of me if I deserted her after so long, with her
now not too far off her 50th birthday, for someone else, no matter how tempting that might be.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted in the past, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy tasting a little something different now. The important, the vital part, is to keep anything that happens outside of the home in perspective.
That took some time to learn, but I still never came close to leaving someone who has done nothing wrong. I do regard it as extremely fortunate that I cannot speak Thai and most locals cannot understand or speak much English, because if I did
that would make the number of available women astronomical and the temptation would have been infinitely greater. Probably the number of women realistically available to me has been reduced by 90 percent by my inability to speak the local language.
I obviously miss out in many ways, but I regard that as a blessing.

It is rare, I think, for most marriages to provide everything someone needs indefinitely. It is how you deal with any shortcomings that is important here. Why Mr Maggie wanted to uproot isn’t clear because, as I said, we have only one side of the
story, but he felt he needed something more, and that need appears to have got out of control. It needs considerable willpower, but if a husband can find some things outside of the home that he cannot find inside it, and keep it in perspective
instead of letting his feelings overwhelm him, then no harm might be done. That’s a tough ask, especially in the world of the bargirls where Mr Maggie was captured, because the combination of a submissive young woman with soft skin combined
with the fun atmosphere of a bar and alcohol is hard to resist. As I wrote in my previous submission, ‘A Married Man’s Guide To Mongering’, if you do play around then continue to treat your wife the way she expects to be treated,
with respect. Keep the temptations under control. It’s probably worth it in the long run.

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

The points you make appear balanced and rational upon first glance but when you give them a bit more thought they raise serious questions. Quite simply, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel if some bloke was giving your wife the bone because, perhaps, you're not satisfying her quite how she would like to be satisfied?

Pretty much every guy I know who cheats on his wife in Thailand – and that is the majority, I am sad to say – would be horrified if he found out his wife was getting it elsewhere. Yes, yes, I know, when a man cheats it often starts as mere physical gratification but for a woman there can be emotions involved – which can threaten the foundations of the marriage. What this argument conveniently overlooks is that – and this site has zillions of examples – guys often go on to mistake sex for love and their philandering results in the collapse of the marriage.

If you're going to lie to your wife about where you are and what you are up to, are you going to be honest with anyone? I mean, your parents, your siblings, your kids and your life partner are surely the people you really don't want to lie to? Why bother getting married?