Stickman Readers' Submissions March 28th, 2009

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 202

"PULL" Part II — Science and Skipability

Greetings Stickmanites and Dana fans:

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Dana here with an update on something you can barely conceive of: my life. Yup, the Dana train just keeps rumbling down the track and I am now deeply immersed (what else?) in "PULL" Part II.

Remember the catapult I had installed in my penthouse condo in Pattaya? Uncooperative bargirls would be blasted right out of the ceiling into the dark redemptive Pattaya night? Of course you do. Tell me something in the bar where we meet
that we are going to do once we get to my place, and then back out of the agreement when we get to my place? Catapult time. Yeah, you remember.

Well, "PULL" Part II is my first public pronouncement of the followup to that idea. When a friend of mine named Caveman heard the details and saw the blueprints, he could barely suppress his support and his enthusiasm. He said,
and I quote:

"Are you fxxxing crazy?
"No really–have you lost your mind?"

"You are going to do what?"
"What? What? What?"
"No kidding . . . you are going to what?"
"Look Dana man, I know Thailand is not the 20th century, but it is not the Middle Ages either."

"You are going to build what?"
"I hope no one sees us sitting together."
"Because why?"
"One hundred yards–what do you mean one hundred yards?"
"Excuse me?"
let anybody see those blueprints."
"We're just talkin' theoretical right? I mean there is no way I want my name associated with this."

"Dana look, I'm just here for a couple of weeks: there is no way I'll be able to get you out of jail."

Like I said, complete support. Bye-the-way, you ought to see this guy. One hundred forty-five alpha male pounds of ripped, shredded, rock hard muscle. His whole life is lifting weights, massages, and posing in front of gym mirrors in Thai
gyms where the front desk girls can only say four words in English:

"You want to twain?"

Some nights if the boulevard skank patrol is a little thin we go over to my sixth floor ocean facing suite at the A.A. Hotel. We both strip and I tie one end of a three part tackle to his wrist, put the snap shackle through the lag bolt in
the ceiling, and pull him up until only his toes are touching the carpet. Then I just beat the crap out him with old pieces of construction lumber I have picked up behind Big Mike's department store on 2nd Road. We both really really enjoy
this. I gotta tell ya . . . sometimes when I am beating him with old cracked bleached 1" X 2" strapping . . . and his pec and gluteus maximus muscles are winking and twitching . . . well, that's when my Wing Wang . . . ok, maybe
I've said too much.

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Anyway, the reason I run ideas of mine in their infancy stage past Mr. Caveman first is that he has intelligence. Not Mensa I.Q. intelligence, he thinks a paradox is two piers in a harbor; but practical intelligence.

Examples —

Dana: Caveman, if you had just finished 'short-time' with a woman and you only had four hundred baht instead of five hundred baht — what would you do?
Caveman: I don't have to pay women to have sex with me.

See what I mean? Practical intelligence.

Dana: Caveman, if your teeruk woke you at 4:00 a.m. screaming Snay 'N How — Snay 'N How — Snay 'N How; what would you do about the snake in the house?
Caveman: I don't do 'long-times'.

See? A practical answer. Not exactly the answer to the question, but we don't live in a Mensa world. Want to argue with me? Ok, email me the next time you see Einstein in Superbabies Bar outbidding a Jap for Thai pussy. Exactly.

Dana: Caveman, if you had two Thai gym rats 'spotting' you as you benchpressed pec stretching weight, and one spotter slipped — what would you do?
Caveman: I would place my testicles on a window sill and repeatedly slam the
window shut before I would allow two Thai males to 'spot' me in a gym in Thailand.

See? Practical intelligence. Again, not exactly, technically, or scientifically the answer to the question; but he has been a good listener and communicated clearly.

That is why when I get a new idea I always get Caveman's opinion.

Anyway, I have just signed a ten year lease on a prominent Pattaya Beach Road business building and gotten it re-zoned as a residential dwelling. I don't want to give away the location but let us just say you don't want to make any German restaurant reservations.

The front of the building will be removed and replaced with giant bi-fold doors. Certain palm trees across the street on the boulevard will disappear. An identical catapult to the one detailed in "PULL" (Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 201) will be installed on the ground floor of the house. ON IT'S SIDE. That's right. Sideways. Tipped over. Laying on it's side. Got it? On It's Side.

That's right. This catapult will be lag bolted to the cement floor on it's side. Why? Well, think about it. The first catapult installed in my Pattaya penthouse condo launches bargirls into the Pattaya night with an overhand pitching throw. This second catapult is going to whip ass launch them with a side arm throw. Elevation? None. Speed? Blistering. Result? They will skip across Pattaya Bay like throwing a stone across a pond. Or . . . skip-scream . . . skip-scream . . . skip-scream . . . skip-scream . . . skip-scream . . . skip-skip-skip-screeeeaaaaaaaam. Exciting huh? Remember when you were a child and your dad taught you how to pick just the right rocks, and how to throw them just the right way to get as many skips off the surface of the water as possible? Well, it is time to return to the glory days of yesteryear (hey dad, I got seventeen skips) and have some fun.

Attention all Kingdom bargirls: Make me a promise in the bar where we meet, and then go back on that promise in my new house on Beach Road? Your are going to be taking a trip — a Pattaya Bay skipping trip.

Sidearm throws? That's right — just think of some Abo in Oz throwing a boomerang; only this boomerang weighs ninety pounds and it's being thrown with a counterweight force of thousands of pounds. Oh, and one more thing — it ain't comin' back. This bad girl boomerang is on a one way trip. Morning will find her in her catapult turtle outfit of two slabs of 12" sandwich foam board paddling around with her little hands and her little feet. Hopefully, she will be having this conversation with herself:

"Ok Lek (Noi, Wan, Ba, Na, Nim, Num, Bum, Run, Fa, Bin, Sin, Fin, Yoghurt, Pencil, Benz . . . ): lesson learned. I will never lie to a farang again, and I will never be disrespectful or rude to a farang again, and I will never steal from a farang again. The next time I promise a farang the world's greatest BJ — our fossilized bones will be found by Martians ten million years from now with my 'suck me' lips still locked around his 'piece-o'-steel' boner. I will never lie again. Whatever I promise in the bar, or I promise on the street, and at whatever price; I wll deliver hot butt naked and with a smile.

Just please somebody get me. I've got big fish bumping me and . . . please somebody . . . the first one thousand boom-booms will be free. Promise. And I ain't lyin' this time. Please . . . and anal? You'll never hear the word NO again. I'll make you Ow Ow me whether you want to or not. Just please . . . please somebody come and get me. I'm gettin' dark from the sun out here. I don't mind people knowing I am a whore, but I don't want anybody to think I weed a tapioca field. Just please come and get me. I'll be a good bargirl . . . I promise."

Anyway, timing is important. Like everything else in my overseas alpha male life this requires intelligence, focus, and discipline. Coming out of the front of the house in a sideways throwing arm motion they will only just clear a baht bus so a spotter will have to watch for those big tall Chinese tour buses. In addition, night vision scopes on the roof of the building will make sure we have a clear sea lane. And of course, each lying ass bargirl will be tied between two 12" foam sandwich boards for extra flotation, better aerodynamics, and maximum skipability. Details.

Of course, this is not just about righting the wrongs of the world and personal vengence. There'll be lots of science too. Data on catapult counterweight pounds, bargirl size, wave heights, barometric pressure readings, moon phase stuff, temperature, humidity, and foam sandwich board information will all be captured and used as predictors regarding the number of skips (and screams) to be expected on Pattaya Bay. Science. I'm a thinker. Yup, way ahead of you. Individual and bird migration info will also be tracked. Bird strikes can destroy or alter skipability and distance. Again, science.

So, if you are walking down the boulevard some night, and you happen to notice the whole front of a building opening up, and then you hear me yell "PULL" — just duck and look seaward and see if you can count the number of skips (and screams). Who loves ya baby?


Stickman's thoughts:

I am away from Bangkok so no comments today.

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