My Hubby Prefers A Bargirl
The walk down life’s pathway is peaceful, normal, tranquil, every now and again you come across something out of the ordinary. It can the most beautiful thing, that it takes your breath away. It can be scary making you want to run and hide. It can make you walk a bit quicker, get the heart pumping a bit faster. But you learn from it, deal with it and get back along life’s pathway.
But this you don’t see, you don’t even hear it until it’s too late. Bam – it hits me like a speeding train at top speed of 125 Mph, ripping through my very core and exposing every fibre of my body. The pain is unbearable; it’s exploded everything within me I’ve held dear. I’m certain now that I will never ever experience again, what I have felt for you. What I feel, is nothing like mother love, that’s not be confused by this. Maybe I’ve myself to blame for probably putting you on a pedestal.
I read somewhere the other day. “We can’t help who we fall in love with, you have to work at being in love, but it’s your choice to fall out of love.”
I want to sit and cry, curl up into a little ball, like a hedgehog with the spikes to protect me. The pressure within me wants to come out, but I don’t let it. I have to hold it back like a dam. I can’t let our children witness the pain I feel. WHY? If I let go, would that be admitting defeat? You’re never going to have anything like you’ve just had for the past 24 years. Will you ever or do you even want to? In your feelings, no man will ever come near to your husband or you’ll never let them get close enough to you now. Would you or will you ever trust another man again?
Right now, nothing will ever be the same again, could it ever go back to being the way it was? NO, NOT EVER. My faith in myself has been diminished; it’s totally eradicated beyond recognition. I have no confidence and I’ve low self esteem, because of it. Family – ha! What family? When I look at pictures of us, there is this empty void you have left; it seems bigger than a galaxy. Seen, but unable to touch, as it’s so far away. Another world. I want to join you there, where I should be, by your side. To share and experience the life we were going to have. We stood there in Church all those years ago and made promises to each other, vows never to be broken. Very empty and meaningless words now. Did they ever mean anything back then?
Yes, I believe they did. It was supposed to be for life. We were friends and lovers together. Wanting the same things out of life, having the same views, laughing at the same things. Wanting to do the same things, enriching our life experience together. Waking up each morning, knowing that you share the same purpose and values.
Our children, teenagers now, what have you done to them? Have you lost their respect? You’re supposed to be their Dad, protector, instil values in them which they would carry throughout their lives. The man with the biggest arms to hug them with, the biggest shoulders to cry on. Especially to our daughter who now sees her Dad as a big liar. Who’s not her Dad anymore; you’re just your Christian name! Is that something to be proud of? Our son. Who see’s you now as a – well, let’s just say I can’t say. I don’t want him ever to treat women the way you have treated me. As a mother, I don’t want our children EVER to go through what you have put us through. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to see our children go through it in their grown up lives either.
The stability of family life for them has gone now, thanks to you. I feel ashamed as their mum that you’ve done this and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it. They will come away from this with views about the way you have treated me. I hope when they are old enough to understand the complexities of relationships, that it takes a lot of hard work, but only if you are willing on both sides.
As your wife, I’ve stood by you through all the rough – and we’ve had our fair share of it – and the smooth. I’ve always encouraged you, never discouraged. When you’ve had big plans and ideas, I always believed in you, made you feel you were doing right.
I still want to work through this; I want to come out the other side, still by your side, still proud to be your wife. But life isn’t like that now, is it? What we want and what we get are two different things.
I’m sorry that I’m not same girl you fell in love with all those years ago, I’m sorry If I’ve changed into a woman. But you have made me feel so worthless I gave up trying, because the rejection hurt so much. But that’s nothing to what I’m feeling now.
You have now embarked on a new path, one without me or our children. Where this will take you, I don’t know. This journey you’re going to have to make on your own. Will you come to the end of it still intact? Well only time will tell. Whether this road has many avenues to explore or it’s a road of dead ends, only YOU will find that out.
We know as individuals and as a family, what it’s like in Thailand. Yes, it’s a fantastic place, I cannot argue with that fact. The honey pot has made you question your existence, your life and expectations. How boring and insignificant we all seem to you now. Yes, now you’ve seen what I’ve been trying to say for years. We don’t have a life. Only you have managed to escape from the drudgery of life back in Farangland. While I now have to continue being two parents and carry on regardless. I want all the better things; I’m feeling the same as you. All things in life seem better in the sun, but will the grass be greener on the other side? If we hadn’t gone to Thailand, we wouldn’t be in this situation – these are your words.
I’ve tried to tell you, explain what you're letting yourself in for, but you know all this. I truly believe that you’re not prepared for what you’re about to experience. You have been snared, caught in the trap. Your little BARGIRL, did she save you? She’s going to lead to you into the lion’s den, you are going to be eaten alive, and then stripped of everything by the hyenas! But do you care? Not one bit! The devil and angel are sitting on opposite shoulders, fighting a constant battle against each other for your attention. While in the middle, your reasoning, logic and your brain cells are totally screwed up, mashed up by them, along with your senses. You are fucked!
You are in a different league now; this is even above the Premiership. You are mixing with professional BAR GIRLS, masters, which are women (never underestimate us whatever colour or race we are). They have qualifications which make us farangs look totally thick. The looks, tricks, scams, right things to say, the way they move, their smell, skin and taste. This has been passed down from generations and it has grown and evolved to meet the changes of men who go to look for the escape!
Do you honestly think that you are the ONE? The ONE that will spare them, save them from the life which they have chosen! Sure – it’s not going to be their first choice of job. I still can’t understand how you can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t speak any English. What do you do, how do you spend your day? Or is it mainly in bed? How can you share anything, have a laugh and communicate? What is it LOVE – LUST – INFATUATION?
You, like so many others, will fail once you have been bled dry. There are only a tiny percentage of those that will win. Will that be you? Unless you’re going to embark on living there, I don’t think you stand a cat in hell's chance. Your life and existence out there will only last as long as the money. They will chew you up and spit you out for breakfast. The way you’ve spent it on your recent trips, not very long. The constant shopping trips for gold, bar fines, beer, hotel bills, airfares, oh and the sick water buffalo, need new phone – get real! You will end up a broken man!
Will you return with your tail between your legs or would you not want “to lose face” like them? Who knows? Will it be me you come back to, to repair the damage done? How long that will take to get it out of your system, 6, 12, 18 months? Don’t forget, I know you. You will get bored. It’s a novelty at the moment. Would I ever take you back? Well that’s the killer question. Do I get 50/50, phone a friend, ask the audience? NO. All I have to go on is my instinct which has been spot on just lately. Christ, I could be psychic, only I wished I could see into the future now!
I can’t change the past, which has happened. All I can do is be in charge of the present and future. Writing this, would I have you back? YES I WOULD. Why? Because I love you as a person. This is a love which you are prepared to throw away. It knows no boundaries, it’s unconditional and it’s complete. All those daft things you do, those quirky things that make up you. I couldn’t care less when we had no money before; it’s not the be all and end all in life. But it is to the BARGIRL, money talks and speaks volumes and it's key to her survival. Never has a saying been truer, when she’s finished with you. There’s plenty more fish in the sea and Pattaya has an ocean of them! You say she’s going to wait for you, remain faithful. I’ve never taken you as gullible until now. Behind every great man, there has to be a great woman! Is she the one?
Where does this leave us? I don’t know. You keep pushing me away. I believe you still love me. You won’t admit it. It’s easier to accept the situation when you’ve turned the love off. Yes we’ve talked. You might have heard what has been said, but you’ve never actually listened and you never will. That’s one of your problems.
How do I end this? I could go on forever. There’s too much emotion within me and the more I write, the more it hurts. So I have to stop. But what I feel for you that will never stop. Whether we end up back together – well who knows? I cannot turn this off, right now, I don’t want to either.
Take a couple of steps back and reflect on your actions. Take a look as the man you are and should be, not the mouse you have become! Is this something to be proud of? Is this the best thing that you have ever done or ever will? Only you know the answer, I only hope you’ll be man enough to let me know.
You’re ever loving wife xxx
That's the other side of the equation…
I do feel for you. I hate to say it but I have become sort of desensitised to all the philandering that goes on out here and the idea of monogamy is not one that most Westerners in Thailand I know – and that is a huge number and varied cross section of people – hold highly. I am not saying that is right at all, but when I look around me, the VAST MAJORITY of Western guys in Thailand are up to no good behind their wife's back. I am not saying it is right or wrong, merely reporting it as the fact that it is…