Readers' Submissions

Mickey Mouse Underpants: A Research Project SUBMISSION NUMBER 5,000 !!!

  • Written by Dana
  • March 12th, 2009
  • 4 min read



Some experienced monger should do an academic survey essay on behavior and percentages of Thai cuties wearing Mickey Mouse underpants, Tweety Bird underpants, Mickey Mouse T shirts, Tweety Bird T shirts, and Teddy Bear backpacks. There is nothing more pure than knowledge for knowledge's sake and nothing separates humans from the lower mammals more than our unsullied cut crystal thirst for information. I believe that the time has come for information like this. Who will take up the lance and ride into battle? Obviously, the easy way would be to survey long time high volume experienced mongers but most (all?) of these guys have not kept scientifically credentialed records. It may be necessary to start from scratch and start barfining and recording information on a sample group of ten thousand girls.

Sample questions:

What percentage are wearing Mickey Mouse underpants?

What percentage are wearing Tweety Bird underpants?

What percentage are wearing Mickey Mouse underpants and Tweety Bird T shirts?

What percentage are wearing Tweety Bird underpants and carrying Teddy Bear backpacks?

Etc.

I think you can see that the permutations and combinations quickly build. A mathematical consultant may have to be employed to make sure no categories are ignored.

And of course the reason (beyond the sanctity of knowledge for knowledge's sake) would be to pay attention to the conclusions. For example: which girls are more fun? Are the girls with Teddy Bear backpacks and Tweety Bird underpants more fun, or are the girls with just Mickey Mouse underpants more fun? Between the categories of underpants and T shirts and backpacks it can all be a little too much for accurate quessing. We need to know when the odds will favor us. In my own experience I have never missed with Mickey Mouse or Tweety Bird underpants but beyond that I can draw no conclusions.

We need information in this category of science, and of this kind, and for a good purpose. Inquiring minds want to know. It's all about best use of time, reasonable expectations, and using the odds to maximize pleasure.

For example: If one girl has a Teddy Bear backpack and her twin sister is just wearing Mickey Mouse underpants which girl is more likely to do Yum Yum?

For another example: If one girl from the G-Spot bar across from the Mothership is wearing a Tweety Bird T shirt, and another girl found holding up a palm tree on the boardwalk in Pattaya has a Teddy Bear backpack but is not wearing any underpants (she sold them to Union Hill); which girl is statistically and scientifically most likely to do Ow Ow, Yum Yum, and Boom Boom? Got your attention now? See how much can be riding on accurate research? Who loves ya baby? Dana does.

Since I have to waste some of my time in Boston I am not the right person for this job. The researcher needs to be a 100% on site monger with money to spend, a desire to benefit mankind, and a tireless need to know how children's accessories and cartoon characters can indicate sexual responses in the Thai female.

If you think you are interested in getting involved in this project contact me. I am the point man for this research project and I will have my people get in touch with your people to be followed by some contract specific exploration lunches and some power point presentations with high resolution four color pics of Thai women wearing Mickey Mouse underpants, Tweety Bird underpants, Mickey Mouse T shirts, Tweety Bird T shirts, and of course the almost ubiquitous Teddy Bear backpacks.

Keep in mind that this is something that you will be doing for mankind; and other diversions like mature behavior, family, and responsible jobs are just going to get in the way. Subject to change I am thinking right now that you and your co-researchers are going to have to each personally participate in approximately seven hundred and thirty (two per day for one year–a research cakewalk) hotel room encounters. Obviously getting grant monies would be useful in paying for lady drinks, barfines, bonking fees, film developing fees, cameras, and Viagra. Some obvious sources of funding would be the Thai Tourism Bureau, Pattaya Municipal Government, National Geographic Magazine (they'll publish an article on anything), Boomsing Quarterly Digest, The NEP Bar Owner's Consortium, Scientific American Magazine (isn't everything science?), the Mothership Charitable Giving Dept. (MCGD), the German Newbies Klubenhausen, and of course the International Monger Society (IMS).

And what will happen to this information once it is captured, digested, and collated? Simple, it will be disseminated. Say it. CDCD. Captured, Digested, Collated, Disseminated. Doesn't it feel great to be modern? Anyway, all clothing and accessory possibilities will be reduced to percentages most likely to produce certain kinds of sexual response. This information will be printed on both sides of wallet sized laminated cards and made available to all interested men (except the French). Ok, and not the Indians, or the Arabs, or the Africans either. But everyone else can have one of these wonderful information tools free for the asking (except the Russians). It's all about men helping men. Who loves you baby?

Just thinking here. Anyway get in touch with me if you want to be part of man's quest for knowledge. Please, no pretenders; and need I say it . . . no condoms.

Dana

Stickman's thoughts:

When it comes to uniquely original submissions, no-one but no-one comes close to Dana. Congrats on being the man behind #5,000!