Stickman Readers' Submissions March 23rd, 2009

Maggie Needs to Wake Up!

I wanted to stay out of this one, iIt’s a volatile subject and there are bound to be more incendiary opinions on the topic than a minefield on the Korean DMZ. Still, there are many things which haven’t been said which really need to be brought into the discussion. This submission is my opinion based on observation more than personal experience. I’m going to address this submission in two parts. The first part to Maggie, and the second part to those who have responded in judgment.

Part 1:

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Maggie, reading your submission I had / have serious doubts it’s authentic. To me, it seems more of a “setup” submission in order to give a certain individual a valid reason (and support) to voice his opinion. I’ll let the readers surmise who this may be and his reasons for doing so.

However, if there really is a Maggie out there (I’m sure there are many in Maggie’s shoes, just not one who wrote this submission), this is my advice to you: Sexually, your marriage is over. You didn’t give specific ages but you did give circumstances and this would put your age north of 50+. If you’re a typical western woman, chances are, you wouldn’t be one of the very few exceptions who could even come close to physically competing with a young Asian girl. By not even close I’m saying the chasm is deeper than the Grand Canyon. Further than from the earth to the moon. Maybe further than Mars. This isn’t a put down, this is just the honest truth.

And let’s not discuss that your “husband” isn’t any more attractive as I’m sure he’s not. He is however the partner in this marriage who for whatever reason(s) sought sexual gratification elsewhere.

Your husband for whatever reason(s), whoever’s fault, has tasted the forbidden fruit. He will NEVER think of you in the same terms sexually (assuming he once thought of you in a positive way) which he once did. NEVER. Even if you manage to reconcile your marriage and he comes back with his tail between his legs, the sexual part will NEVER be the same. He might be able to fool you (which means you guys have been disconnected for a long time anyway), or even fool himself for a bit, but soon when he closes his eyes while in bed with you all he’ll be able to see is a young Asian female who is hundreds of times more sexually desirable than are you. These visions will involuntarily occupy his dreams and with direct purpose occupy his waking moments. How could it be any different? He is a human male.

Maybe a sexless or sexually unfulfilling marriage would work for you, perhaps it was working for you before, but if your husband sought sex outside of his marriage it wasn’t working for him. He’ll do it again. The only difference is that he’ll (if he wants) get better at hiding it. He’ll want to regain his status and respect within the family, have some peace in his life, so he’ll pretend to be sexually content with you while at the same time seek sex outside the marriage. The only difference will be the level of discretion.

If this is okay with you, and you’re willing to continue your marriage under these terms, then the relationship/marriage must be satisfactory to you. Otherwise why would you continue? (please don’t say financials and appearances) If this is the case, that you’re willing to accept being married to a man who sexually craves a woman (all men do)
other than yourself and who has already gone outside the marriage (some men do) for fulfillment, then you need to accept this and allow him to pursue his desires in a manner acceptable to both of
you. Otherwise, he’ll do it anyway and eventually he might come to the conclusion he needs to leave you anyway, so he doesn’t continue to hurt you, and deny himself.

(Note: In the following two paragraphs men/women and husband/wife can be used interchangeably)

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Men: If you cheat on your wife these are the only sensible inferences your wife will conclude. If you taste the forbidden fruit you will be forever changed. Bad or good, you will change the dynamics of your marriage forever. Bad or good, you will change the way you feel about your wife, the way your wife feels about you, and the way you feel about yourself. FOREVER! There is no turning back, there is no “trial” period. The change(s) are permanent.

Women: If you allow your sex life to go stale, if you allow your husband to let your sex life go stale, then you must accept that one or both of you will seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. Do not allow this. Keep yourself fit and attractive, demand he do the same, find mutually enjoyable physical activities, renew, exchange, and strive for improvement. Never accept you’ve learned all you can learn or things have at some time been as good as they’ll get.

Part 2:

All this “judging” and moralizing is tedious at best. My gosh folks, you come to Thailand to live and experience another country, you learn the language, you eat the food and participate in the culture, why does it come as any surprise to anyone that eventually you’d also experience the culture from a sexual perspective as well?

Biologically men have the sexual imperative to procreate with as many women as possible, and women have sexual imperative to procreate with the most desirable of the male sex as possible, and in modern times the aggregate that makes up “desirable” will change along with the females environment and social status. Today, as many women seek sex outside the marriage as do men. This hasn’t been an issue of “men” for quite some time. Let us not pretend it is.

Social constructs and contracts of the current times lead both men and women to behave outside or contrary to their biological instincts. This means, depending on the society you have imprinted with the most, you will think behaving one way or the other is the “right”
way to behave. We know and accept that ‘generally’ Thai men approach marital “fidelity” very differently than western men. Why?

For certain, the most influential social construct is religion. The most binding and enforced contract is marriage. Western societies are generally Christian/Judeo in nature, and western societies enforce the marriage contract in a very different way. Christian/Judeo beliefs dictate adultery is wrong, and Thai marriage contracts heavily favor the man. Sure, there are other factors, but these are the big ones. Huge penalties are accessed in this life and perhaps the next depending on your beliefs.

I know, there will be those of you who claim to be atheists or agnostics who still believe adultery is wrong. Still, you were born and raised as a part of society where most believe in a religion. And it is this society which has formed your social constructs and laws, your culture and beliefs. You have been imprinted with religious values/beliefs regardless of your religious preference. You have been imprinted with other societal values/beliefs, in place of others. In almost all cases, you have become a product of your environment. Don’t blame yourself, and certainly don’t blame others or feel the need to force your views on others.

As a personal observation I’ve lived in Asia almost as many years as I’ve lived in the west. I’ve worked in both, dated in both, and been married in both. Throughout my life I’ve been exposed to many different ways of doing the same thing. Invariably I’ll “taste” each way, weigh it carefully, and then choose that which fits my life in the best way. There are many variables to consider with such things, so when I say “best” I’m really saying much more. You probably have done the same and perhaps haven’t realized? How about food? Have you picked and chosen certain foods that taste the best, are nutritionally wholesome, economically available, and culturally acceptable? Of course you have, and chances are you’ve completed the same process with other cultural and societal values/beliefs as well.

So really, how silly is it to judge others for making their own decisions about any of this? How ‘thick’ must you be to think it’s even desirable to “maintain values/beliefs” just because.. they originated from a certain society/culture? Wouldn’t it be a lot healthier/smarter to consider which values/beliefs you adopt based on your own personal experiences with the cultures/societies and how the aggregate of these experiences/knowledge mesh with your personal values/beliefs, and not the values/beliefs dictated by cultures/societies you probably don’t identify as strongly with as if you’ve never left home and experienced the world in the first place?

Let’s face it, the values/beliefs so many try to force on others, are being forced on others simply to make this person/group feel good about their own choices. For instance, it might be easy for a 70+ year old man married to women 30+ years his junior.. to preach to others about how wonderful monogamy is and how everyone should follow suit.. because his biological imperatives are lessened by age and bolstered by a younger wife. But, now consider a woman say in her late 30’s or early 40’s, married to a man 30+ years older. Her biological imperatives have a totally different priority and so might her choices concerning values/beliefs. Can you see how silly a “one size fits all” approach to such values/beliefs really is?

I’m not saying we should break our marriage contracts and discount how much hurt our actions can cause. All I’m saying is, perhaps judging others is really ‘limited’ in scope and intellect when it comes to such things. I don’t know your life and very few really know mine. Trying to hold you or judge you against my personal values/beliefs is fraught with an infinite number of self-defeating errors. I wouldn’t want to try. Why would you? I’d rather not see myself as “limited.” Do you?

Until next time..

Stickman's thoughts:

I really like part 2.

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