Innocence Lost Forever
You know, there is a saying. No matter how beautiful, smart and sexy a girl is, there is someone who is tired of her. And that has come true with me many times.
The photos in this article were just readily available, and are just a few women who I believe I may still be on good terms with…maybe.
It's all EGO. Wanting to be with young beautiful ladies. Besides having girlfriends, I was never faithful, and was doing short times almost every day… It really was madness. I wouldn't even feel like having sex, and I would do it, just because it was there. Then every night, I felt like I MUST have sex with the girlfriend, or she might think I had someone else that day. Insanity.
It certainly did NOT start out that way when I first came to Thailand. I was a romantic, and ready to settle down. This is the girl I just left behind after several months together. Three weeks ago I packed my bags and did not even tell her I wasn’t coming back.
I found her soon as she got to Pattaya before she knew a word of English. She really enjoyed it that I speak Thai, and we did everything together. But make no mistake about it, there was no way we could ever have any kind of real loving, lasting relationship.
We spent every night together, and many days. We shared our birthdays, Xmas, and even Valentine’s. Can you say boring? Wow. What happened?
8 years ago hanging with girls like this was a dream come true. Well, not to get too specific, but it was never enough. I went from a dreamy eyed romantic to wanting more and more women and a girlfriend to boot.
No, there is nothing wrong with it. As long as you are prepared to sacrifice a chance of ever having anything like a normal relationship again.
Anything goes. I have traveled every road in this country. I have experienced it all, in every pocket of Thailand from the far south to the borders of Burma, Laos and Cambodia. From the sweet village girl to the raunchy whore. From the smallest villages to the big city girl. From the banker and the real estate woman to the bars of Chiang Mai and Phuket, and the lovely massage ladies (I will miss the massages). To everything in Bangkok to the streets of Pattaya…for 8 years now.
I speak fluent Thai, have a home in Jomtien near Pattaya, and can stay forever if I wish. But alas, after many years, have decided to take a long break. Why?
I feel dead sexually and emotionally. Even though I am having sex with the hottest ladies. And not just bargirls. I have had very “normal” women also from all walks of life and socio economic status from very wealthy to very poor. Many of the women have such a bad memory of me now that I will not mention their names or photos. I have photos and memories of many, many, many women…all of whom I cared about in one way or another at some time, and some who meant nothing.
This lady was sweet as can be… Yes, she worked bar, but she was truly one of the nicest ladies I have ever met. And one day when we were at the movies, I just decided I didn’t want to see her again. Of course, I changed my mind in the following weeks, and she would have nothing to do with me.
Easy in Thailand. You just move on. Right? Maybe. Maybe not.
I guess it depends what you want. I really miss the connection I felt with her. Eventually we became friends again, but nothing more.
And I did this over and over and over.
Oh, what a beauty this lady was, and a body that was impeccable. I thought I loved her.
How do you give up a girl like this?
Well the simple answer is, many guys don’t, and they lose their mind, along with a lot of money.
Shortly after this photo was taken, I broke the news to her that I no longer wanted to see her after two short months. We had a brief affair one year later, but immediately broke it off. It’s such a strange thing. A part of me loved her, and a part of me wanted my freedom back to go back to doing what I was doing here in Thailand for so long. I just couldn’t be with one woman, and don’t know if I ever can now, to be honest.
Thailand has definitely changed my life (in some ways for the better).
I will say, that Thailand (or the ladies) gave me the fortitude and the passion to work hard, save and be able to have a good life here. But as time went on, I found myself becoming more and more restless, traveling more and more, getting frustrated easily and annoyed by everyday life in Thailand. That is why I must stay away for a long time and take a break. Maybe forever. I can’t even believe I just wrote that. Maybe forever.
These are just a very few of the fantastic women I have met in Thailand. I met one beauty 8 years ago on a plane, a very wealthy Chinese Thai with a 5 year study visa to stay in the USA. Great family, college degree, coming to California to study for her Master’s. I was on the way home from my first trip to Thailand when we met. If you saw her photo, you would faint. She was a dream come true. Eventually she moved in with me and we talked about getting married. Then for some incredible reason, I told her I had to go on a business trip and snuck back to Thailand. When I returned home, it was never the same and she left. I just assumed I would meet another girl just like her. I never have.
After a few years visiting Thailand, I wrote this article for Stickman:
Easy Sex Isn't Always Good. That was many years ago, and it’s hard to believe I am the same person.
I was 45 when I first came here and it has been quite a ride. My age is beginning to show… (Should I say, it does show). And older guys always like younger ladies…normally.
So back to today March, 2009. What to do? Maybe I need a doctor to lower my testosterone? LOL. I have decided to extricate myself from the nightlife, and it's hard. I want to have a loving relationship with one lady some day, and at this time, I'm incapable of it.
So here's the deal. I have left Thailand and gone back to California again. I will deal with my properties in Thailand from here for now. Now I need to try to return to some sanity, although it may not be possible. I may end up back in Thailand and not be able to change. I have an addictive personality to start with, and it was easy for me to slip into the nightlife. I loved it and wanted it the rest of my life. Eventually “screw having a relationship,” was my thought.
Now I am tired of that way of life, and want something different. Besides the fact that I come from a very clean town, with no sewer smells, diesel fumes or vendor fumes. Of course it doesn’t smell as much when I am enjoying my fantasy life. Everything about the place I live in California is much, much nicer than Thailand when I am conscious enough to see clearly… Oh, yeah, no pretty Asian ladies easily available.
Now I live on a clean, pristine beach in CA with no vendors or speedboats or jet skis. I am not planning to return to Thailand for at least a year, unless I need to complete some business transaction, and even then I may be able to do it through FEDEX or DHL.
I also have some very good friends in Thailand who I will miss. They are also living the fantasy and are shocked that I have left. I had planned to live the rest of my life in Thailand.
I mean I spent hundreds of hours with private tutors and years studying the language, only because I believed Thailand was my home.
But I want to somehow have a relationship again. I don't know if it will be in Thailand, America, Philippines, etc. but I know it won't happen when I'm hanging with bar girls. I have gone to the lowest area… I don't need to tell you everything, but I go from the nicest places and the finest women to the lowest and do the easiest, quickest things sometimes for very quick instant gratification. I no longer have any feelings for anyone. I don't even enjoy sex that much. I just do it because I think I should, or because it's there. I will stay in California and for now NOT date or go with any ladies, and write about it, and pray about it. I hope that in the future when I try to date again, I can stay with one lady.
Of course, I still like younger women and don't see myself with a 50 something American, so I probably will end up with an Asian 30 something. I don't even know why I'm telling you… Yes, I do. Because I didn't listen to you (Stickman) 8 years ago, and went on my way, just thinking I will enjoy hookers until I meet the lady of my dreams.
Now I know I won't ever meet that lady, as long as I keep living the way I was living. So anyway, I have said my piece. I know that I am rambling now, but I must admit, it has been cathartic. Stickman has already given me feedback and convinced me to make this a submission. It’s almost embarrassing to admit what I just wrote, but it is my truth. I will say that I am much more relaxed and at peace since I moved back to California.
I am sure this will generate feedback. If you have any feedback, I would love to hear it.
Thanks for taking the time reply to me, Stick.
I wish all your dreams come true.
Peace, Love, Harmony
The bar scene destroys lives. Both guys and girls. It's like a drug. Dabble a little and it can be a lot of fun but overdo it and the damage can be long-term, perhaps even permanent.
So many move to Pattaya and go crazy. They check out of life. The real world ceases to exist. The next girl, the next shag, a never ending cycle of debauchery that is ultimately unfulfilling.
You've got guts to pull yourself out of that environment and to be honest with yourself about how you really feel and to recognise the negative effects it was having on you. So many are in the same situation but they just let the cycle continue. No-one wants to admit that you can't swim in the toilet forever.