Comments on Sex and Marriage (not necessarily incompatible)
I have sent in one other submission (“If you want to find a “nice” girl be a “nice” guy”), and had no intent of ever sending in another. However, so much of what was being said to, and by, Maggie forced me into making a reply. I have some experience, good and bad, in this area. I am in my fourth marriage. The first was horribly bad. My first wife decided she liked sex, but with everyone except me. A slut screws everyone; a bitch screws everyone except you. She was, and remains, the bitch. So I know some of what Maggie is going through. The second marriage was wonderful; with a fantastic woman who was my soul mate, and which lasted until death did us part. The third was a bad idea from the start; made in desperation after seeing the dating scene in the U.S. from the north side of 40. Marry in haste and repent in leisure. My last marriage (which is with an Asian woman) is about to reach its first anniversary, and has all the traits of my second marriage. So I am scoring about the national average successful marriage rate; 50%. Re-marriage is the triumph of eternal optimism over bitter experience. Apparently I have a measure of both.
It seems a lot of those who are replying to Maggie’s situation are referring to some justification that men need sex, and if wives won’t give them all they want, then they are free to look elsewhere behind their backs. They are putting out assumptions that are based on such widely believed myths about men, women, and sex that they are not even questioned. The first myth is that in the case of a sexless marriage the man is always the one that wants sex and the woman is always the one that doesn’t. Not true. A recent study of sexless marriages put the not wanting sex person as the man more than 50 percent of the time. I don’t remember the exact statistics of the study I read, but it was shocking to me how much more than 50%. (I will go over why they don’t want sex later.) So you might think, well, even stipulating that some women are hornier than some men, women are morally superior to men and won’t stray, even when they aren’t getting enough at home. Bull. Studies of long term separation due to military service (in the U.S. military) show that about 80% of men and 80% of their wives went off the reservation during separations lasting a year or more. This brings to my mind the lyrics of a Blues Brother’s tune titled “Who’s making love to your old lady while you are out making love”. Having served in the U.S. Navy for more years than I liked, I can tell you that those wives did not wait till months had passed. Everyone knew of the bars in Navy towns where you could go to hook up with the wives of sailors deployed or even at sea for a few days. A boomer (fleet ballistic missile submarine) has two crews, the Blue and the Gold, and trade off the ship so it can be at sea almost all of the time. On the naval base where I served years ago, one enterprising wife, married to the executive officer of the Blue crew on one boomer, had the executive officer of the Gold crew move in as soon as the transfer was complete and her husband was at sea. This had gone on for quite a few transfers. She was also being serviced by alternate crews, full time, just like the sub. It did become embarrassing when it all came out. The boat had to return to port a few days after being deployed, due to mechanical problems. The other guy was already well settled in, and in bed with the wife, when the husband showed up. (One thing all these guys arguing for the need to discreetly cheat on their wives should realize; it always comes out.)
Despite the feminist propaganda that has dominated politically correct thought and speech in the west, women are not morally superior to men. They are just as dishonest and horny as men. Women who don’t like sex tend not to pass on their genes, so all women have a genetic predisposition to wanting sex and cheating to get it; just like guys. The argument that the different reproductive priorities of the sexes means women are predispositioned to monogamy is also bull. Chimpanzees are the only great apes other than homo-sapiens (us) that are continuously sexually active. Studies of their behavior show that the females, bound to the single dominant male in the troop, cheat constantly with subordinate males. Their apparent strategy is that these other guys in the troop who they cheat with are never sure if the kids of this slut are theirs or not, so she has fall back support if the dominant male dies or gets kicked off the top of the heap. She has built in allies in the troop to advance the cause of her children. This maximizes their survival rate. And that is the biological imperative. Our closest species’ relative gives us insight into the nature of women in our own species. They will do what serves their needs, period, full stop. So will men. Yet, women who do what serves their needs are excused, while men who do the same are called sinners, and beaten up about it, by society. If a woman cheats, well, it was because her man wasn’t taking care of his home work; she is not responsible. If a man cheats, he is scum, and deserves every abuse that can be heaped on him. Some scientists have speculated that the development of our brains from the time the first hominid stood upright was solely for the purpose of cheating at sex, and getting away with it. This is a task we have not gotten right in the past 7 million years of evolution. Don’t think that you will be the first.
Now back to the sexless marriage study. Like you, I did not believe the result that more times than not it was the man in the relationship that was putting the brakes on sex. So I read on. The study went into why the men didn’t want sex. (The report I read did not cover why the women did not want sex. Once again, the western world’s assumption was that of course women don’t want sex; that is obvious.) The myth that has been expressed in other responses to Maggie is that men stop wanting sex with their wives because the women grew old, and stopped taking care of their physical appearance. We all get old and fat (especially me). Think again. The overwhelming reason these men gave as a reason that they did not want sex with their wives was that their wives were controlling and constantly critical. Getting old and fat does not kill love, or the physical expression of it. What happens is that love dies first, killed by constant nagging, and emotional and verbal abuse. I have been there and done that; wife number 1 was a master of control and criticism. Western women have developed the attitude that they are management and men are, at best, labor and, at worst, their servants. It doesn’t take much of this to burn out any love that men might have had at the start of the marriage. In the study where the man was the person denying sex, it was not that they did not want sex; it was that they did not want it with their wives. Comedy is often funny only because it states a truth we don’t normally deal with in the open. On an episode of “Married with Children” Peg Bundy came up to Al Bundy and said, “Al, I want sex.” His reply was, “So do I, but I see no reason to drag you into it.” So true.
When Kennedy was president, way back when in the early 60’s, he was in front of a group of women from the League of Women Voters, and was asked what his administration had done for women. His reply was, “No matter what it was, it wasn’t enough.” This won long applause. No matter what we men do it will never be enough. On an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” (apologies to non American readers) the father tells the son, “I learned long ago that nothing I did would ever make your mother happy. So, I do what ever I want and at least one of us is happy.” The other thing the father said in the same exchange that rang so true was, “Your mother has been trying to make a better man of me since the day we were married. I’m not any better, so I win.” Women feel their job in marriage is to shape up the slob they married, no matter how painful it is for him, or how long it takes. No matter what the guy does, he should always have done more, and he always needs to improve (with her constant “guidance”). And we wonder why men might lose interest in their wives sexually.
Western women are not evil. They are merely acting on the message delivered by their culture; women are good and men are bad. Therefore, it is women’s duty to improve men. Western culture denigrates men, and puts women above them. Television has come to reinforce that view. Studies have shown that adult male viewership is declining and female viewership is increasing. The reason is clear if you watch any of the comedies put out. The woman is always wise, kind, and long suffering. The man is shown as not only a complete idiot, but also with evil intent, only kept in check by being under the control of the woman.
The real damage started with the feminist movement in the US. It is not just my opinion, but the stated fact of the majority of the women that started and controlled the movement in the 60s, that they were lesbians. They were open in their hatred of men. And that is not an exaggeration. Men were not women’s fathers, brothers, husbands, and sons; they were the enemy oppressor that must be fought at all times. Several have publically stated that all sex between a man and a woman must be rape, since no woman in her right mind would want to have sex with a man. Either the sex was physically forced or compelled by other pressure, or the woman did not have the capacity for consent (by definition she was out of her mind if she consented). They also succeeded in convincing most of the women in the U.S. that not only could they have everything, but that it was theirs by absolute right. If they did not have the exciting and rewarding career that gave them fame and fortune, a rich and loving family life with adoring children, a husband that served all their needs, and eternal and constant happiness, then it was some man’s fault. The answer was always, dump that man and you will find fulfillment.
Any man that works in the U.S. today is well aware that a man has to be on guard about everything he says or does. If he offends any woman in the work place, for any reason, he will be punished, up to an including termination with a black mark that will prevent him from getting a job ever again. All a woman has to do is make an anonymous call to human resources stating she was offended and the man will be charged with sexual harassment. The company acts in great fear because if it does not take immediate and harsh action against the man accused (no evidence is necessary to support the anonymous woman’s statement since it is all an administrative process), then the woman can sue the company for maintaining a hostile work environment. The work environment is indeed very hostile; if you are a man.
The city at the center of the metropolitan area I live in passed a law a few years ago that stated: obscenity is defined as anything that offends any woman. Note that only woman are capable of being offended, and that just one woman could set the standard for the entire community. It was overturned by the State Supreme Court as unconstitutional, but it did pass as politically correct. When John Stuart Mill stated in “On Liberty” that a free society limited the actions of individuals only when they harmed another, he specifically precluded giving offence from his definition of harm. And he was an early proponent of what we call women’s liberation and he called universal suffrage. Today only women in our society have liberty. The Feminist Movement, as led by the National Organization of Women (NOW), started out striving for equality. They found out women were not interested in that. The Equal Rights Amendment in the 70’s died because few women supported it. It had the support of the majority of men. NOW shifted tactics, and earned the support of women, by instead striving successfully for all the advantages they could get for women. Women now have the whip hand in the U.S. Has this made them happier? I don’t think so. Freud said, “Nobody knows what women want.” I would add that women especially do not know what women want.”
Another example of gender bias at work is in the celebration of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Mothers get told all day how wonderful they are, how they always sacrifice for the needs of others, how selfless and noble they are. This is regardless of how worthless a parent she may be. Mothers are catered to, taken out to dinner, given days at spas to pamper themselves. And the man that does not get his wife an expensive gift (preferably jewelry) had better be prepared for a sexless marriage. Meanwhile on Father’s Day what do we get? At most we get a card. Then we are told, “Take the kids for an outing. You don’t spend enough time with them.” In other words, on our day we get criticism that we are lousy fathers. In the U.S. the day with the highest number of long distance calls is Mother’s Day. The day with the highest number of collect long distance calls is Father’s Day. Don’t even think of winning custody of your children in case of a divorce; only women are parents. Men are just checkbooks. The politically correct press was up in arms about a study that indicated racial profiling in traffic stops. What I found disturbing was that the study showed that gender was a much stronger biasing factor than race; and no one cared. The study showed a black woman was only half as likely to be stopped as a white man. (The black man at the bottom of both gender and racial prejudices is really screwed.) When I pointed out this gender bias, every one shrugged and said, “Of course, that is because women don’t break the law, only men.” In this country many studies have shown that a woman convicted of exactly the same felony offence as a man will serve much less time in jail, and often none. The assumption is it wasn’t her fault anyway; if she did the crime it was only because some man made her do it.
This has drifted far from my original intent of countering the many opinions that the man has the right to cheat, if his wife is not giving him enough at home. My slant on what the person who is not getting his or her needs met has justification to do is, you must sit down and have an honest talk with the other person. In the not so distant old days, when a woman (usually) got to an age or point in life where she no longer was interested in sex, she told her husband, in the immortal words of Scarlet O’Hara, “Find your comfort elsewhere.” The purpose of marriage was protecting capital assets and providing a stable environment to raise children. You did not end a perfectly good business deal, lower your social standing, and hurt the kids over sex. Both parties agreed to the limits, and discretion was the main one. The point was that you had to be honest, and the other person had to realize that if they were not interested in meeting the need then someone else would have to. Civilized people worked out civilized compromises. If you can not reach a compromise that you can live with, then you have to get a divorce. I stress the “that you can live with” part. Starting over in mid life (or later) sucks; I know because I did it. Still, it is better than sticking with a life-draining, loveless marriage that will make every remaining day of your life a black abyss of despair. I don’t think that is stating the case too strongly.
Western women are unlikely to agree to any compromise that addresses the man’s needs. Western women feel they own you when you marry them. They don’t owe you anything in marriage. Marriage is about their happiness from the wedding day on. If they are not happy for any reason, then they have every right to make your life a living hell. (What food causes a woman to gain 30 pounds and her sex drive to decline over 90%? Wedding Cake.) Sex is for when, and if, they want it; what you want is immaterial. Often sex is seen by the woman as a reward for doing exactly as you are told, like a good slave. And, they have the right to close out your sex life any time they choose. What other deal is so completely one-sided? A business contract that did not exchange value to both sides would be ruled null and voidable by any court in the US. But, if the deal is a marriage contract, then the expectation is that the woman owes nothing in exchange for everything the guy has, or ever will have. Why do we allow ourselves to become slaves? We do it because men are hopeless romantics. Women have sold us a bill of goods that they are romantic and we aren’t. What do women count as romantic? They count it as romantic when the man takes them out to dinner, and pays for every thing. They count it when the man takes them to do the things they want to do. They count it when they get expensive presents, and gets to dress up and go where they want to go, to show off to their friends and gain status. Notice the trend here? Women define romance as men serving women’s needs. This is a nice arrangement for them; not so nice for us. And we men accept that crap. Romantic is acting as if your partner’s needs are more important than your own. When was that last time the woman in your life met this definition of romantic?
I would like to conclude my rant with a guess at why Maggie’s husband, and so many other mongers, may prefer bargirls. It has nothing to do with how the women in their lives may look, or how much weight they might have gained. And it is not some inevitable boredom with married sex with one partner. It is that we are sick and tired of having to kiss women’s asses, and being treated like scum. Women are not losing their husbands to prostitutes because of their looks, but because of the way they treat their life partners. Being starved for affection, and needing the GFE (girlfriend experience), is why we do it. If it were just sex, we could find a prostitute closer to home to blow our tubes / haul our ashes. We go to Thailand (and a number of other Asian locations) to get pampered, and have our egos stroked for a change. It is all illusion, but it is better than the alternative provided by most western women. Emerson opined that, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.” I hold that for a lot of western men this is due to the way they are treated by western women. Some of us are not willing to stay quiet any longer.
Brilliant. If there is one thing I think that should be taken away from this over and above what you say, it is that unless you REALLY want kids with such a Western woman, there is absolutely no reason to marry one.