Was I A Bargirl In A Past Life?
I have decided to send in this contribution to demonstrate to Stickman readers just how completely screwed in the head I am. I have to leave most of my personal details out as if my wife ever found out the truth about me, she would divorce me in an instant and take everything I’ve worked so hard in my life to acquire.
My problem stems back to my childhood as I had an illness that stunted my height, so I am now 5’5”. I am 37 and of normal weight. Due to my smaller height, I lacked the confidence during my earlier years to ask cute girls out. I am simply not attracted to normal girls or ones who would not be considered “hot”. So therein lies the problem. How would a smaller than average guy hope to attract a sexy girl when most other guys are competing for the same girl? I tried most everything in high school / college but simply lacked the confidence to approach the desirable girls. I did start to realize though that some guys seemed to have super hot girls when they themselves were no different than me.
I then found that by getting trashed at the bar, the fear of rejection was gone and things got pretty easy. I would just search for a girl more drunk then I was who couldn’t see straight and off we went. The downside was that I never remembered the sex and felt so sick the next morning that I just wanted to vomit. So this cycle continued and then took a turn for the worse.
I reached a point (21 years old) where all I wanted to do was have sex, to the point that it consumed my thinking. All I could do was stare at girls in the mall like some kind of animal. Every hot girl I saw, I just fantasized about screwing her. On and on it went. I finally did hook up with a beautiful girl who fulfilled all my sex dreams, but it became unsatisfying after about 6 months because I wanted more girls and variety. By this time, I started to recognize I had a real mental problem. Unfortunately, rather than seek professional help, I sought to satisfy my cravings more and more.
One day I was on the internet and saw some personal ads for this country called the Philippines. I knew nothing other than remembering some Miss Universe contestant once from there that was breathtaking. Every ad I saw was some young 21 year old looking for a relationship. I couldn’t believe my luck when many even mentioned they were looking to get married. In my demented mind, all I thought was here is the opportunity of a lifetime.
I dumped my girlfriend and went to the Philippines to meet some girl from the internet. We married and I brought her back to Canada. By this time I was 28 and my career was starting to do pretty well as an airline pilot so I could travel for free and the Philippines was easy to get to. Well, again it only took about one day when my damn problem came back. Right at the wedding reception, I was staring at her extremely busty and beautiful cousin. My new wife saw this and said, ”You know, she used to be a hooker. Isn’t that disgusting?” All I could think about was ripping this hooker’s dress off and going down on her. This was my damn wedding day for God’s sake!
So off we went to Canada to start our new life. And every flight I worked, that night at the hotel off I went to try and hook up at the local bar. Old, young, whatever, I just had this hunger to fill. It just continued to get worse. Ironically we went to Bangkok for a holiday but I knew so little about the sex scene in Thailand that I did nothing wrong. I just never really had a girl approach me, probably because I was with my wife the whole time.
So about a year later, I’m reading about Pattaya and suggest to my wife that we try there. I only knew that there was a lot of sex and hookers there. So off we go and the first night, she decides to stay in the room but says…enjoy yourself. So somewhere around Soi 7 and Beach road I go up this street and feel the bass music thumping and girls running out on the street grabbing guys. It was just overwhelming…it was like I encountered a paradise of my dreams. All I could think about was selling everything and opening my own bar so I could screw all these girls non-stop. I head out to Marine Disco with a few airline guys I had met earlier and see this dance floor with so many tanned bodies and black miniskirts and smiling faces that I just felt like I had come home.
This girl sees me and asks to dance. After a minute she leans closer and puts her tongue in my mouth and starts grinding….I was done. I just flat out tell her my intentions and off we go to some pay by the hour hotel. I couldn’t have cared less abut my wife waiting for me. By 5 AM I was walking home and see this cute girl at a closed bar cleaning up. I wander over and she says…”do you want me….500 baht?”. I said lets go. By 7 AM, I show up at the hotel and there’s my wife crying with the security guard looking everywhere for me. She starts going mental but all I could think about was how good the sex was with the first girl…and it was really, really good.
Well, I just made some lame excuse, said I fell asleep on the beach. Then I showered and went to bed with her slamming the door. Of course the marriage deteriorated and soon enough she left. It wasn’t a month after she left that I was back in Pattaya. By this time, I knew that the only way I was going to realize my dream of non-stop sex with beautiful girls was to become wealthy. I started an MBA because that seemed a good path to wealth.
By the time I was 32, I was finished the MBA and sure enough, I married a Thai girl from Bangkok. Brought her back to Canada but the sex with strangers started all over again. It has gotten so bad that I’ve just become a chronic liar about my entire life. Last year I planned a trip to Vietnam with a buddy while she went home to visit her parents but the whole purpose of the trip was to screw Vietnamese hotties. It was so easy there, you just go into a club and because you’re white with some money, the host snaps his fingers and 10 beautiful women are standing at your table. And of course, my height is normal for them there. Before the trip, I had a few days in Bangkok on my own and never stopped….massage parlours, fishbowls, Soi Cowboy; I lost count after 3 days and these girls were the top of the line in looks…..light skin, tall, big breasts. I just pay them and off we go. Some guys say that paying for sex is immoral or there isn’t true passion. I can assure you that girls can get just as horny whether there is money involved or not.
It got to be so bad that when I left my wife to go to the airport and home a week ahead of her, I went back down to the departure levels and grabbed a cab to go back to Bangkok and screw the Soi Cowboy girl some more. She was one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen in my life. I just told my wife the flight was full in Hong Kong for 3 days (I was on a standby ticket).
So she caught me red handed with the Soi Cowboy girl by seeing a photo I had taken. She told me the next time, she will divorce me and take half my things. Now she has gone to visit her family back in Thailand and every weekend I am going to the local bar to hook up. It has gotten to become a sickness that I just can’t seem to control. I quit my flying job after the MBA to start my own airline and it has become very successful, to the point where my entire life revolves around making money so we can move 6 months a year to Chiang Mai in the next year or so. For example, in the past 2 years I’ve made over 1.2 million dollars running these planes. The whole point for me is not the money but to obtain non-stop beautiful girls. How sick is that? Married to a wonderful wife who is supportive, kind and funny and thinks the world of me and all I can think about is making another million dollars so I can have a fleet of mia nois in Chiang Mai?
I have never felt much for any girl I have ever dated or married. At least not in the way you are supposed to feel about love. We’ve now been married 3 years and things are fine…no fighting, I buy her flowers, make her happy, built a house for her parents outside of Lampang, and so on. But inside, I am empty. I have never met a girl that has given me any special feeling. I simply got married to have easy access to Thai girls because no one questions me now when I go there to visit. To build your entire life and purpose around sex.
I don’t know if it's that I need help because how is a therapist going to make me feel different inside? I know it's wrong to have no remorse for cheating on your wife, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. She says why would I cheat on her if I cared about her but for me it's just a physical desire. I really have no feelings about love or attachment to all these girls I screw….I just crave their moans, wetness, body tension and orgasms and when it's over, I shower, dress and go without even caring to look back. Maybe I was a bargirl in a past life.
I do enjoy the time I spend with my wife but these feelings of desire will never go away. I’ve just learned to feed this need by working so hard at my business that I will have all the girls I want in Chiang Mai shortly. It's sort of like an alcoholic who recognizes he has a drinking problem so he puts his efforts into buying a brewery. I know that in Thailand, I can show up at a club in a BMW with nice clothes on and have a choice of beautiful girls, do my thing, and go home. The ironic thing is that my wife’s friend in Pattaya is well off and does exactly this. She says it's okay in Thai culture because he supplies his wife with everything she asks for so she’s willing to look the other way. Then she told me last week it's okay for me to when we move there as long as she doesn’t know about it and it's kept secret so she doesn’t lose face.
Maybe this is why I’ve stayed married to her for so long as on one level, she understands me and can make the best of it. I don’t have sex with these girls because I dislike my wife….it's because the draw is so strong that I can’t say no. The feeling when I lift their skirt up and put my hand inside is such a rush that its literally a drug for me. It's an absolute high that must be satisfied at any cost and it keeps my running a airline and working all hours just to finally make my millions and move to Chiang Mai. I just thank God that this addiction is legal as I can’t imagine trying to control these feelings if I was a pervert with younger girls.
Wow. I don't know what to say, other than that this submission held my attention more than most.