Thailand Adventure

Last year I, or should I say we, decided to come to Bangkok for some refurbishment i.e. my Thai wife wanted a boob job and her nose done. She is from the part of the country with flat noses! She is in her mind much older than me, 29 whereas I am 59.

We went to the Yanhee Hospital. My God, what a pornographic hospital that is! Have you seen the receptionists with skirts 4 inches above there knees?! And the roller-skate girls delivering the doctors notes (especially to the first floor when I am sitting
on the ground TIT. Thank God we went when it was 69 baht to the pound (now under 50). The the surgery was excellent.

Being an old hand in The City of Innocents I knew my beloved would be out of the game as she had to stay in the hospital for 2 days. I gave her sister some baht to look after her (TIT) which gave me time to transform into my Thai alter ego, James Bond!
The week before the op I was out in Soi Cowboy and Nana with my fellow pooying enthusiast, but as often happens it was a flat evening with the atmosphere just not there. We decided to go to one more bar in Soi Cowboy. It was 12:30
AM and even in the middle of last year it was quiet. God knows what it's like now (there's no doubt Thailand has lost something!)

We hit one of the none gogo bars sat at the bar where we were both set upon by the staff. As we are old hands we immediately told the girls to bugger off and we selected one only each. Well the one I got had on this flowery bikini and thighs like iron
from exercising on stage every night and also exercising upstairs in this particular establishment. Well you know what it's like, we clicked so everything was great but you have to be careful at Tequila at 150 a shot. Then it happened. What
made it a special (only in Thailand) night. Yes her "sister arrived to my left". As all you oldies know, you have to be very careful taking 2 out of the bar one as it's expensive and two is very often a let down i.e. one hides in
the corner. Anyway, years of trying the product has taught me not to look a gift mar (rising tone) in the mouth. Ok, so far so good!

The next day I was off to Pattaya at 9:00 AM with my beloved and there was no way I was spending close on 4,000 baht on a quickie upstairs. After all, although I look 28, I am much older and the big V needs time to kick in. I can speak enough Thai to
hopefully convince my newfound loves I would be back on Monday 8 PM sharp so please don't barfine. At any rate, these days at that time they have a very slim chance.

We get back from Pattaya (yet another story) and my beloved settles in for the big op so I stay a few hours to be greng jai. Do the Thais really know what this means? After I saw my beloved was safe and sound in the Yanhee I got back
to the hotel. It was now about 4 PM. I went to bed to conserve energy and got up at 6:00. Yes the Gods were with me. It was raining very heavily which means very little custom in the bars!

Got showered went out for a Big Mac as I did not want to work on an empty stomach. I planned it so as to be 30 minutes late. Yes I wanted them concerned about the man with the big bulge in his pocket i.e. baht. They did not have to worry as this was my
special night. I had 14,000 baht in my pocket. The two things Thai girls want other than cash is fun and food (all in Thai).

You know the kind of night, it was hot sticky and raining as James Bond strode into Soi Cowboy. The hello girls at Baccarra did not even try to stop me they could see I was a man with a mission and onwards I strode! I walked straight into the bar and
yes, not one customer in there! My two lovelies were on me quicker than the mamasan at Angels.

"Ok, buy Tequila now? We go upstairs now?"

Jai yen yen, the girls thought sod the jai yen yen! Where's the baht?

First I wanted to see the room. Again, you have to be careful because one they can be sh##holes and two, if another punter arrives after 45 minutes they want you out! Anyway it was very clean with air-con (I don't want a heart attack in the heat).
Ok I told them. What the script was first the fun and then the food. Ok yes, I chose correctly. We showered together and they tried "understadley" to get me off in the bathroom, but I managed to resist, then to the bedroom where they
were happy to go in with me and each other (rarer than you might think).

Now the best part. We got dressed and hit the streets. It was raining so one wore a sprayed on dress, the other thigh jeans and a top. I was in the middle with them on either side of me holding an umbrella. It was hot, it was raining and it was fabulous.
Can it get any better than this?

I wanted to go to Hollywood but the cabs wouldn't go. Their attitudes have changed as well. So my mature girlfriend of 28 years said worryingly what about Tawan Dang Beer Bar? It's expensive but not for James Bond! We arrived there and my girls
gave me a worried look as the door man wanted 100 each entrance fee. It might as well have been a thousand. I was on a roll. Not only did I look 28, I felt 28. We got inside and the girls loved this place as it was all Thai. Don't believe
the Thai men don't want some of the bargirls as in all the world, if you're out with your wife in a club and some foreigner with apparently loads of cash and two younger girls crawling all over him would make anyone jealous.

Thai face is a strange beast and my girls just seemed to like to rub the hi-so face in it. We were there about 4 hours and had lots to drink, lots to eat and there was lots of dancing. It was now about 2 AM. Ok, now we're off to a sleazy Thai karaoke
way out in the sticks. I love these places, with the obligatory katoey waitress. We finished at 5:00 AM and the girls of course asked when I would come back, But as all you die-hards know, you can never go back. The girls flagged
me a cab.

For all you good men in Thailand you say it's not for you. For me it's the only real time I feel alive. So if you're in the north of England and you see an old man with a smile on his face jumping out of a tall building that will be me.
But don't worry James Bond will be back.