Stickman Readers' Submissions February 19th, 2009

If You Want To Find A “Nice” Girl Be A “Nice” Guy

What follows was my experience in finding the nice girl that so many on this site find elusive. In my case she is a Filipina, but what happened could just as well have been in Thailand, with a nice Thai girl. But before that I would like to say that if you are looking for a nice girl first you have to decide to put your life in order, stop fooling around with bargirls, sober up, and be the nice guy for whom these girls are looking. The second thing to cover before giving my story, is to ask what you're really looking for in a nice girl? Often it seems like what guys are looking for is a bargirl on a permanent, exclusive, and lower cost basis. That does not work in the long run. You have to give up your old ways to start the new. A nice girl will not want to go out bar hopping with you, and will not be happy with you bar hopping at all. On the other side of the ledger, the good time girl that partied until dawn with you every night during your vacation in LOS will not be very satisfied with the dull life of going to bed early every night to get up and go to work the next day. In other words, you have to think about with whom you want to spend your real life.

The year after the tsunami I was going back to Phuket for another dive trip. When I went to make reservations at the hotel in BKK that I had liked the year before, I found the rates had doubled, for no apparent reason. I ended up postponing my trip. A friend, who was in the process of marrying a Filipina he had known for three years, advised me to try the Philippines instead. He had been a frequenter of the LOS for many years, but had found the Philippines cheaper and friendlier. I left just a week after attending his wedding to his Filipina bride. I had a good time, and appreciated the degree to which everyone spoke English fairly well and did not look down on you as some kind of sub-human because you did not share their race/ethnicity. It opened my eyes to the possibilities. The big surprise was that the girls not “on the menu”, who you passed on the street or in the malls, at least looked you over as a possibility. Good to at least be in the game, even if you are no longer a starter. In the US, if you are a man over 50, you are ignored as a walking corpse; just taking up space until you fill the grave you have one foot in already. It may be the same for women over 50, but I have no experience to verify that.

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When I got back I spoke with a friend that had been married to a Filipina nurse for many years, and had two daughters, to ask how to meet “nice” Filipina girls. I did not go to the recently married guy as he had married a bargirl, which he was ok with as he was no angel either (his words). My long time married friend said you will never meet a nice Filipina on vacation, as no nice girl will want anything to do with a tourist. He recommended Cherry Blossoms, as he had met his wife through them back in the days before the internet, where you wrote letters, on actual paper, and mailed them to each other, with stamps.

I signed up, and was very disappointed that about 99% of the girls that contacted me were scamming, hard core, bar girls, or their equivalent (this may be a gross underestimate), YMMV. If you are interested in finding girls from whom to get a freebie, then it might be worth your time. Of the ones I felt were old enough for me, all had three to five kids, and had never been married. That was too much for me; having two teenagers of my own still at home and a daughter in college. Their mother died in 1997. I was about to quit the site altogether when one girl contacted me, and was persistent. I tried to dust her off, as she was below my minimum age of 35. I kept insisting that she was too young, and she kept saying, no, she wasn’t. She had a will of iron; so much for the submissive Asian woman fantasy. Her English was good, and she was interesting to talk to, so I let it go on. Finally, after a month of chatting, she brought her mother on screen to say that, “No, her daughter was not too young (23) for me (51)”.

What made her different? First of all, within the first two sentences she ever typed to me, she said she was a 23 year old virgin, and would be a virgin on her wedding day; so, if I was looking for sex go elsewhere. Secondly, she was using her parents' computer, in their home, which they used to run their business. Third when she gave me a phone number it was a land line to her parent’s home, where she lived. She had no mobile. (Yes, that is correct, no matter how hard that is to believe. By the way, I did check the city code and it was for the city she said she was living in.) Fourth, she wanted to set specific times to meet online, and she always was there when she said she would be. She did tell me that I could call her on the land line phone anytime, day or night, as she was always home. I tested this a few times. Fifth, and most important, we immediately started to talk about important issues for a long term relationship; not the usual “when are you coming here” crap. We discussed our expectations, the difficulties of adapting to the US, when I wanted to retire, her life goals, possible careers for her, her education so far, and my finances (lack thereof mostly). Soon she demanded that we talk every day, then that we talk twice a day; before I went to bed and again in my morning before she went to bed. We talked for about two hours a day, on average, every day. We had arguments, some of which were heated, but we always were able to get back on the same page. We did this for about 9 months before we met in person. No commitments prior to meeting.

We met at the airport, and her entire immediate family was there. I had seen and talked with all of them via internet many times, but they all had to check me out in person before I got to meet my girl. Then we went and met a lot more extended family. We went to Bohol for several days, where I got in some diving, but only with her brother as a chaperone. Then I spent a week living with her family at their home. Again, we were never totally alone. I ended that trip fairly certain that she was everything she appeared to be online. A few months later I started the process for a fiancée visa. I went on a second trip later. We managed to convince her Mom to let us stay together in a motel since we were engaged, and her Mom had reviewed the visa application, and all supplements to it, in detail. We did enjoy each other’s company, but she was still going to be a virgin at the wedding. This is what nice girls do. It is very important in their culture. Why would you want a woman that lowered her standards below what a local man would accept? (Not that I did not try very hard to convince her to.) I was satisfied that she was genuinely attracted to me, physically. This was important, in doubt for me, and not an issue to be glossed over. Without that, marriage is a bad idea.

During this second trip I got raked over the coals by her aunts. Almost everyone in her family was well educated, and spoke excellent English. The downside of this was they were able to question me, in detail, about every aspect of my life; including asking, somewhat delicately, if I was able to get it up enough to keep a young girl happy. The one question never asked was anything about the age difference (except for the questions about my sexual capacity). I finally brought it up, as it was on my mind a lot. They were stunned. As far as they could see, there was no significant age difference. They said I looked like I was in my mid-forties, and she was in her mid-twenties, so what was the problem? I then noticed that her mother and most of her aunts were widows whose husbands had been at least twenty years older then them (all their husbands had been Filipinos; I was to be the first foreign guy in the family). Her mother had remarried to another guy about fifteen years older than her. So, this was the local standard of appropriate age difference. Our age difference was not out of the ordinary. Different cultures, different expectations.

After I returned to the US we continued to talk via internet and phone at least two hours a day until I returned to Manila to be at her embassy interview. She was able to handle the documentation requirements herself, and thread the byzantine US Immigration and Philippines Emigration processes better than I could have. She passed the interview with no problem, and we returned to the US the next week. We married a few months later.

So far, we have had the usual adjustment problems, and have had plenty of drama. However, she remains the same loving and affectionate girl I married. She has completed a Nursing Assistants program at the local community college, and has passed the state certification boards on the first go. This is a prerequisite for going on to get her nursing degree. She and I plan for her work and go to school. It is very important to her that she contribute financially to our family. Also, once I went through the monthly income and expenses spreadsheet with her, she became very hard headed about requests from the Philippines for money. They call me for money now, instead of her, because they are afraid of her. She yells at them. When they call me for money she calls them back and yells at them anyway, but I am a softer touch.

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So, in summary, what does it take to find a nice girl?

  • First you have to decide marriage is what you want. Nice girls are not going to accept anything less. I had decided after a sample of the mongering life that it left me unsatisfied in too many ways. If you want commitment, you have to give commitment.
  • Secondly, you have to remain focused, and not get side tracked by all the sluts that will be trying to get you to connect with them instead of the nice girl you say you want to meet. This is harder than it sounds. Nice girls will not be having cyber sex with you, but lots of others will be on offer. The internet is a lousy way to meet someone, but often it is the only way if you don’t have the luxury of living overseas. You have to remain disciplined. You will know in some deep part of your mind that the girl talking to you so sexily is not wife material; you just have to actually heed your better instincts. Think with the big head, instead of listening to the little head.
  • Third you have to be willing to put in a lot of time to get to know someone, both per day and over a long period of time. In this respect the long distance may be a help, because it makes you spend more time talking about substantial issues instead of wallowing in hormones. I invested two hours a day, for two years, to get to know my wife before we married. If there are periods where the girl is not reachable this should be a huge red flag. Do not ignore this warning sign.
  • Fourth, meet her whole family. You will not be marrying the girl, but rather her whole family, as it is and will be a big part of her life. If something about her family raises red flags, do not ignore that.
  • Fifth, the girl really needs to be fairly well educated to handle the adjustments to a new culture and to start a new life here.
  • Sixth, you have to adapt to her culture too. That means, among many other things, accepting chaperoned dating and waiting until the wedding night. If you want easy sex, there is plenty available. However, if you want a wife, then think about whether she will keep her promises and commitments to you if she is willing to ditch a lifetime of commitments to jump in your bed.
  • Seventh, don’t focus too much on looks. There are some fantastically beautiful girls online that I would not give two cents for as a wife. If you look too much for looks you will not find the nice girl you say you want. I think my girl is very beautiful. She doesn’t think so. I much prefer that to the other way around. There were plenty with better looks, but I wouldn’t trust any of them with my billfold, much less the rest of my life.
  • Eighth, and most important, if you are looking for a faithful companion for the rest of your life, then you have to decide that you will be a faithful companion for the rest of your life. Be sure before you start that this is what you want. You cheat, you lose. It is really the number one thing that my nice girl cares about. I think she is typical in this regard and exceptional in all other areas; but I may be biased in that judgment.

I chose a girl from the Philippines, instead of one from Thailand, because we share a common religion (Roman Catholic). This relates to a whole world of common values and life experiences. My mother was more dogmatic about religion than is hers. The Pope was not Catholic enough for my mother (this is not an exaggeration). Another reason was that we had a language in common. Her spelling in English is better than mine. Thank god for spell check; how did we live without it? The language advantage applies to her entire family. Relationships are a lot easier when everyone in her family can converse with you. Another factor is that the girls in the Philippines tend to want to live outside their country, where the Thai girl tends to look on it as a burden. Married life is hard enough with everything possible in your favor. If the wife is unhappy where you live, then you will be unhappy sooner or later. Because so many Filipinos work outside the country, I think they are much more aware of the rest of the world. This helps in many ways. Also, although they have plenty of ethnic pride, Filipinos don’t look down on other races, as the Thais do. Therefore, a Filipina is not marrying beneath herself when her husband is from the west. This makes relations with her family a lot smoother. This has to be a big factor in a lot of failed Thai / Farang marriages.

This is my two baht worth, and may not be worth even that at current exchange rates.

Filipina Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

Tremendous submission with lots of good, HONEST advice. A number of people I have met over the years have suggested that the Filipinas probably make better wives…

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