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The Bonding Instinct

  • Written by Hawkeye
  • December 23rd, 2008
  • 4 min read


Man is a prisoner of his biology. In Thailand or anywhere else there are certain biological imperatives that are always present. Humans are a pair bonding species. Sexual intercourse stimulates and accelerates the bonding instinct. If the individual is incapable of forming a pair bond because of some childhood trauma or is capable of shutting down the bonding process he would be able to bypass this instinct. I am not one of those men. I have always been a little envious of men who can shut their feelings down so completely.

By nature I am not a butterfly. People like me are ripe targets for the land of scams. Our sincerity is our greatest weakness in Thailand. The land of smiles is rarely understood by farangs and never tamed. The desperation which is part of most Thai survival makes them by necessity more realistic than their farang visitors. There is a survival imperative at work in Thailand that most farangs never truly comprehend.

Most guys get off the plane in Thailand in a deprived condition. Many have been beaten up by European or American divorce courts. Their egos have been trampled. In their home countries they are considered over the hill. He is looking for a bonding experience even if he doesn’t realize it. They may or may not be deprived by choice. Some punters wait months to return to their perceived love or the thrill of sleeping with as many women as possible.

Others long for the girlfriend experience. In their hearts, they know it isn’t real, but it feels so real. This deprived condition often leads to suppression of what is actually transpiring. The fantasy becomes his reality. Seeing Thailand through rose colored glasses, beer goggles or any other self deception is a dangerous and sometimes fatal practice in Thailand. Have you ever heard of the Pattaya flying club? Apparently a lot of farang husbands tend to end up falling off balconies. They made the mistake of making themselves more valuable dead than alive.

He blocks out the fact that the country he’s so enamored with doesn’t love him. He sees the beauty of Thai women but not the cultural baggage that most times accompanies her. He begins to believe what he wants to believe. The urge for sex and bonding is so strong in human biology that seemingly intelligent men leave their homeland and sometimes wives and children as well as economic and legal security for a dream. He goes to live in a third world feudal society with lots of fake smiles and rentable women. In the process, he forgets or represses the fact that he is renting her time. When his money runs out so does she.

Once he accepts the illusion, he has crossed over the bridge of reality. Sooner or later he is going to take stock of the consequences of his decisions. The result is often a broken man who has eliminated most of his options and ended up emotionally and financially ruined. The love he consciously or unconsciously sought from freelancers, bar girls etc. is never attained. The security of a western style romantic love was an illusion and very expensive fantasy.

Inherent in the maintenance of the pair bond for farangs are trust and loyalty. Unfortunately, money face and family take priority in Thailand. Trust and loyalty are highly unlikely to be part of a Thai whore’s (sex worker) value system. Lying to save face is a way of life. How can trust prevail when one of the partners feels no guilt about deceit? Yes, guys that bond with a Thai sex worker is bonding with a whore…damn the euphemism. She thinks like a whore and acts like a whore, lives like a whore. She survives by her wits. Love as he knows it will not be reciprocated. Should one be surprised when she deserts him for a higher bidder?

The girlfriend experience is so intoxicating that men tend to suppress their natural revulsion at what she does so that the bonding can take place. He doesn’t want to think about how many men she has slept with. He tries to push it out of his mind. He does this at his own peril. Betrayal would be the rule, loyalty would be the exception. If the farang discovers or suspects her game, she simply moves on. There are new suckers getting off the plane every day. I wonder how long a man can live on a steady diet of deception. He is deceiving himself if he believes his rented mate is not more than willing to rip him off.

He realizes too late that if the bond is not mutually shared and accepted as a committed couple, there is a high degree of probability the non committed person will form a pair bond with someone else and totally disregard his feelings. Thai working girls are very good at pretending to go through the bonding process leading the farang, who is trying to be sincere, to the slaughter.

I wonder if there is really any hope for those who go to Thailand looking for what he cannot find at home. Some are lucky and actually find their dream girl. Most go home with broken hearts eventually and accept reality or he goes back to Thailand to seek the impossible dream again and again. Some have hardened their hearts or function simply as sex machines or as walking ATMs. If a man enters the kingdom looking for abundant sexual partners he’s in the right place. If he is looking to find a spiritual and psychologically compatible mate, that is another matter.

Stickman's thoughts:

Even after so many years of trying to tell guys that the industry is very much an illusion, more guys than ever are being led to the slaughter…