Readers' Submissions

My Thailand

  • Written by Anonymous
  • December 9th, 2008
  • 12 min read

On a whim, I’m tapping this out whilst having a few brewskis on a Friday night, during a random encounter with something called… the Internet on my bro‘s computer. I’ll attempt to keep it deliberately short for you casual readers, I hope the guys who have been there and done it, take it as it is intended.

Whoa, this is random, let's go… Hello to everyone out there who has been to Thailand, and those who may be thinking of going in the future, specifically the single straight guys (I can’t comment on other types of trip, only what I’ve had myself.) If you’re a normal guy who wants to have a good time with no strings and sexy ladies, then don’t believe everything you may have read, you’re gonna have the time of your life, If you can absorb the jive I’m about to lay down, I guarantee it!

I’ve just read a submission by a friend of mine (Tommy Baltar) who went with me to Thailand 4 times some years ago, in finding his experience, I read a couple of others submissions along the way, finding a large percentage quite negative (Not all, and to those lovers of paradise… I salute you.) I hope I didn’t just latch on to a bad lot, but I have to say that upon reading the ones I chose, I got perturbed, thinking about all the bad that that seemingly goes on out there, bad that I had missed in 4 wonderful months out there. I thought in fact that if I’d read and believed them, never first having been there 4 times enjoying the greatest time of my life, that I might have been put off by the stories voiced in some. Tales about these two timing, manipulating, backstabbing monsters who only take, take, take, worthy only of our sex and mistrust… Sorry about that outburst… Read on if you dare to dream of a better world.

God was I a greenhorn when I first went to paradise in 2003. It was just after my ex-girlfriend had an abortion, I was on the verge of getting back together with another ex, who was the love of my life, stuck in a shit 9 – 5 claims handling job and out of nowhere by sheer luck when trying to book a trip to the dam to toke some shit and tap some ass, we stumbled onto Thailand. It was a road that led us into Pattaya totally unaware that we were soon to be hit by the nuclear bomb, that is the awesome sex tourist experience you can have in the land of crocodile smiles. Let me tell you, nothing can prepare any reasonable guy for that first unforgettable night, when they know! That you‘re green, you’re so green your hair turns to grass, and your aura like the incredible sex Hulk. They see it, and bombard you with every trick in the book to get your barfine, get your money, shag your brains out, and love you up to the high heavens for as long as your money / time lasts. Oops… went off on one, also relaxing spiritual culture, tremendous sights and beaches, polite smiles and beautiful weather, (even the rains just soak the atmosphere even more) from the all out action of the gogos scantily clad stunners, to the heavenly soapy suds, (worthy of a submission all of their own as with childish grins you pick between a line-up of stunningly sexy ladies to pamper, massage and soap you by rubbing their lithe frothy bodies up and down yours, a prelude to porn star sex on a king-sized bed to cap it all off. Leaving you teary eyed, as you stumble blindly out into the outside world again having experienced heaven) but best of all, for me anyway, are the tremendous girlfriends you meet, where if lucky the right girl will act 100% like they are in love with you (Providing along with it, everything such a girl would do in real life), taking you to see stunning sights high in the hills to look down upon star dotted Pattaya, holding tightly around her waist as she scooters you back down, singing a soft Thai song under her breath, silken ebon hair blowing in your face in the rush to get home. Making love time and again, in any which way that would please you most, and the genuinely tearful balcony break-up backdropped among the softly humming ebb and flow of the nearby waters, lashing upon the finely grained sands where you once bathed together. A time when you tell her you can’t bear to fall so deep, you couldn’t bear to leave her in just a week. From the early days in Pattaya, onto Phuket, Bangkok, and beat of all Ko Samui, Thailand is a place where all dreams can and do come true, for those that know the rules.

Be yourself, forget lying to these girls about who you are, what you do, how much you earn, and be real. They’re clever, they can spot a liar most times, so if you’re just in it for the ride, let her know, if you want a tour guide and bird for a week only, let her know it, and if you’ve a regular dude with no game plan (the lucky ones in my opinion) just enjoy, but know that it’s purchased memories that aren‘t 100% real in a conventional sense, (like Total Recall) enjoy it, be honest with yourself and make sure you both know the score from the outset. You’ll end up enjoying Thailand all the more for your virtue.

They’re human beings, doing a tough job for little money so they can eat, sleep and survive. This applies not only to the girls, but the taxi drivers, waiters, shopkeepers, all of them. I have seen many people from all over the world treating Thai people like dirt, taking down, moaning, being abrupt and abusive… those people sicken me. Even if you do get shafted for a drink, taxi ride, crap shag, I look at it as donating a small amount, to help someone who’s less fortunate than I am. I‘m lucky enough never to have known real poverty, so to do this wondrous thing for someone in need can never be a bad thing. I wouldn’t dream of treating anyone like they were scum unworthy of basic decency and respect in England, so why suddenly change in Thailand. For me, if I’m having an awesome girlfriend experience, I’ll treat them like they‘re really me bird for a bit, not fill them with garbage before kicking them to the kerb with minimal pay.

Thais have something called FACE. It means, that among their peers, they aren’t made to look like a fool, by some arrogant bloke who promised the world, only to reveal himself as a lying cheapskate, not bothering seeing them again. They don’t want to be taken the mickey out of, in front of their friends. Or their bloke to offend their country, their king, their way of life, like they were some sort of second hand human being. The way I see it, I’ve never walked in those shoes. I’m a guest in their county, living in a luxury lifestyle light-years away from Insurance work, and that flat and TV in Birmingham (Me at the time) I’ve got the opportunity to bone some of the most gorgeous ass on the planet, enjoying the finest foods at a fraction of their expected price in along the way, in… the sun! (live in England, you may have guessed) It’s not hard to love every day.

Unfortunately, it’s not real. No matter what happens, when the hooks inevitably go in, and your heart flutters as she beams a radiant smile as she pots the black, or pounds as her golden brown body glistens with perspiration as she moans provocatively, riding you to the brink of total ecstasy and you find yourself thinking “God, this is really happening!”, just think… I’ve only known her a few days… It can’t be legit… Yes if you do fall as many of us have, know that she’s number 1 in her life and it’s not personal. It’s got to be that way, because they’ve come from such poverty, and never want to go back to that terrible place of hardship and anguish that such poor life brings. Depending on who you are, and how you’ve treated them, they will drop you as soon as they find something / one better. The makeup of that break-up is entirely up to you.

Bad things do happen, the cost of life out there is cheap, and even some cops are on the take so don’t get rowdy, don’t trust too easily, don’t do the drugs you’ll get offered (probably be a cop waiting round the corner to fine you) don’t mistreat the girls, be wary and use common sense in situations at all times (But why just Thailand, don’t you already in life?) and take your lumps if you get stung.

Have a full holiday, don’t take it for granted, take it inside instead. Use the opportunity to become that rich person in and out, that you always wanted to be but never had the opportunity, embrace freedom. That’s what Thailand is, total freedom, greeted with smiles, you’ll feel special, a bit better than the regular guy on the street back home. There’s a reason to feel that way… you are wealthy, you’ve got the money they need and the chance to change things for the better for a few people. So enjoy the high life, have trips through crystal waters in a canoe into coves etched out over millions of years in rugged mountain edges. Enjoy the regal culture and respect the grand palace where golden statues line the ramparts, pick your type of lady and sunbathe on the warm sands whilst getting a foot massage, jet ski cheaply across clear seas, play pool for money (it‘s fun, even when you win and they‘ve suffered a minor loss of face… donate it back to them somehow, they‘ll love your heroics), go cut price bowling with a beauty before singing karaoke together, dance in the disco‘s, live and love! Leaving part of your heart, but taking those everlasting moments of joy back home with you to savour at your whim.

Phew… I was going to keep it short wasn’t I, ah sod it, it’s got to be 800 words anyway. I can feel the end coming though with the thought that Thai girls like sanuk… It means fun, it‘s a way of life, maybe to blot out the dark times, who knows. What I do know is that for me, I want to have fun, I want them to have fun, lets all just have a bloody great time, and be the best damn farangs we can be, living life to the max! Yeah baby! (That booze kicking in.) On rare occasions, If you try your best, and get a half hearted time, then she’s probably just been shafted over too in the past, so I say don’t add to the problem by getting mad, be better than that, and who knows you might get a turnaround of fates, or a freebie on the house (happened to me a few times.) at the very least you’ll get a good rep with her mates in the far reaching bar girl scene, and plenty more top quality… ahem… experiences that go along with that good name.

You do hear of stories about people getting scammed by “girlfriends”, people who sent money to temporarily buy them out of the bar scene. Again, common sense, if a bird in England wanted me to pay them out of a job after knowing them for a few weeks, I’d tell 'em to take a hike. These though are girls you meet them in a bar who want money for their time… I told myself early, “C’mon, you’re their next lunch, nobody falls in love that easily.” So fall only if you need it, or are feeling charitable, don’t bother checking up on them, their e-mails, etc, don’t kid yourself trying to catch them out, don’t expect it to last even, just enjoy it whilst the happiness remains within you and hey, who knows… you know you do occasionally hear urban myths, told by the few above the live music in dimly lit Reggae bars, about “The ones that made it.” be good to them, and who knows, you could live out your life with a tremendous catch. For the rest of us, they’re nice girls but think reality first.

I sent money to my first girlfriend / love out there, my pal had found Stickman's by then so I knew the score, but I sent it gladly anyway. She deserved it for that indescribable time we shared together in paradise, a life of dreams enlivened by that that smile of the genuine second date when we got to know each other, that random CD of Thai love songs she gave me, that tenderness that seemed so genuine overlooking the water and the tears that followed pouring sorrow upon seeing me leave in the taxi for the airport, it were as if in those moments, I was truly worthy for her true feelings to enter into the arrangement. Even if it was just the goodtime buck who gave you a few laughs leaving town, I liked to feel that she knew I was all right… one of the good ones.

I am a better person having gone to Thailand, it changed my life irreparably in the positive. Early on with Vilai I saw the reality of how they all lived, cramped together in small rooms a meal away from hunger. They were all out there somewhere, diamonds sleeping on tiny pale mattresses on the floor, a hose and bucket to wash with, an old television if lucky, small fan, stereo and for Vilai a well travelled unframed picture of her mother with her own daughter, folded within her arms back home in Isaan. I realised that there are more girls I can help out there and provide for well in that brief time shared… I can help them too to dream of a better life and genuine mutual enjoyment with…In no particular order, my money, my candour, my friendliness, and of course my mammoth tally wacker and combined super shagging ability.

All the best with your time out there, you‘ll never forget it.