Comment on: The 10 Biggest Mistakes Western Guys Make With Thai Women
I've always enjoyed your columns so I thought for a change that I would try to give something back…
First, Mrs. Stickman is very good; she gives the other side of the story, from a Thai female viewpoint, and I find her advice spot on (I've been coming to Thailand for 15 years and I live here the last 2 years).
About your article: "The 10 Biggest Mistakes Western Guys Make With Thai Women":
I know you are trying to not be negative and it's laudable.
I have a successful relationship with my Thai wife and her family (she was not a bargirl). We've been together and married for 7 years – 5 years in Singapore and now 2 years in Thailand – and have 2 kids; and yes, I've invited my parents to come over from the States, stay at our second home in her village, and hang out with the relatives. Our families have a common denominator in that both are farmers.
I adamantly disagree with one of your points about needing to be intellectually stimulated by your other half – bzzzzt, wrong: it's so nice not having a female from Planet B*tch – like my last white girlfriend in California – who tried to crawl into every crevice of my brain; also, to remember every single thing that happened in the last 10 years and nail me if I didn't remember it; or play Detective Clouseau and figure out that I took a pleasure trip to Pattaya instead of a business trip to Bangkok…
I guess my Top 11 would be:
1. Learn enough Thai to get around but don't become fluent; your in-laws might look down on you if you are fluent. It's a funny thing but I've witnessed it over and over. For me, I am too busy keeping up with the learning for my job to be fluent in Thai and my wife never ever has brought my lack of Thai up.
2. In the same vein, the more you can't communicate verbally with your Thai wife, the longer you will stay together. Trust me on this one.
2. Be very careful about the words you say – Thais take it literally. For instance, if you say "I should be getting paid on the 25th and you can send some money then", that is translated into "you are getting paid 100% for sure on the 25th" and your wife's family will get money on the 27th, and the entire family will be waiting at the Western Union office for it to arrive (they've probably already had one party on the money beforehand, borrowing it from a loan shark at 20%).
3. Arrange your career and relationship so that you are more valuable alive than dead. This is just a pure safety valve but it's in everybody's interest to arrange it this way.
4. The trade-off for your wife having a lower IQ than yours is that, unlike a Western woman, she won't be trying to crawl into every crack and crevice of your brain and torment you for the rest of your life. What would you rather have? Jesus, get a friend or get on the Internet and join some newsgroups to get intellectual stimulation – it's easy.
5. If your wife cares for you, taking care of your kids, etc. and is not working, give her a monthly salary or allowance up front at the beginning of each month and she can spend it no questions asked. It's a real bummer in a relationship when the farang husband makes her wife beg every time she wants some cash; she might do something very irrational like getting a job that pays 3000 baht/month and she is working 9 to 9 every day.
6. Never say 'f*ck' or other swear words in front of your wife. She will always take it to the worst degree and think that you are swearing at her; Thai gals can't tell the difference between the use of 'f*ck' as a noun, verb, or adjective.
7. If you marry a Thai gal much younger than you, think about the fact that her sexual needs might be much greater than yours – and for years. If you can't learn to be like a prostitute and sexually satisfy your wife even when you aren't in the mood, then you are inviting more irrational behaviour and grief than you can imagine.
8. Never ever ever ever cry. Your wife might lose all respect for you if you are a cry baby. Watching Bollywood movies and Korean soaps, it might look OK but it doesn't work for a farang in Thai culture.
9. Keep the bar raised – not necessarily high but at least medium. This means that you should go out, do nefarious deeds, come back at sunrise, etc. at least once or twice a month. If you are a good guy all the time, the bar will be lowered to that level and that will be expected of you forever; and raising the bar will be much more difficult after. Even if you don't feel like going out and getting into trouble, force yourself to do it once in a while.
10. As Stickman says, never marry a Thai girl for their looks – it should be because you love her, she takes great care of you, she is raising your children, or all of the above. Like most Asian girls (Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, etc.), her butt will probably never ever see an exercise seat or bench their entire lives. Which leads to my last point…
11. Never marry a Thai girl unless you want to have kids and raise a family together. If you don't, marriage is completely pointless and a waste.
Of course, many of these axioms can apply to all women; I guess it's just that 95% of my romantic and sex life has been with Thai women even though that covers only about 25% of my adult years
Interesting thoughts. I agree with many of the points you make ESPECIALLY #11, while I also disagree with a couple. Let me add a few random comments to what you have said:
* If a Thai looked down on me or didn't like it that I speak Thai to a high level, that simply tells me that they are absolutely not the type of person that I would want to spend any time with at all.
* Intelligent people don't necessarily badger you as your ex in California did. You're confusing intelligence with bitchiness.
* I very much agree that if kids are not planned, marriage with a Thai is pretty much pointless.