Readers' Submissions

An Ugly Bloke’s Story Part 2

  • Written by John McCoy
  • November 14th, 2008
  • 16 min read



This is part 2 of an ugly bloke’s story. It is as a result of feedback to "An Ugly Bloke’s Story – Part 1" and my recent trip to Thailand.

I make no excuses, I am a butterfly but always treat the girls with great respect. Being an ugly bloke I didn’t have many experiences with girls when I was younger so I have a lot of catching up to do. The following are my experiences in Thailand on my most recent trip but firstly a little about the feedback I received from Part 1 :

"AN UGLY BLOKE’S STORY – PART 1" FEEDBACK

I received a couple of email responses very kindly stating that I probably wasn’t ugly but shy. This is very true and with a lack of confidence, being lanky and not so much being ugly but not a looker, lack of success with girls was none the less a part of my life.

One email response stuck out because it was from an Asian girl living in the west. She wrote with so many American colloquialisms that I thought it was a scam and replied and told her so. I thought it was written by an American masquerading as a young Asian lady and priming me ready for a scam in later emails. I was wrong and very happy that she did not take offence at my accusation that she was trying to scam me and sent me another lovely email. The reason for her writing style was that her English teacher was American. Her email was mainly in response to my frustration at having a high sex drive and not being able to express it due to my ugliness and shyness. She was in a similar situation in having a similarly high sex drive but not being able to express it outside of marriage.

As it turned out she was the most lovely girl you could ever wish to meet. She was also a stunner from the photos she sent me. It drove me mad as she described her high sex drive. I thought – they do exist – sexy girls, who do want sex but I have never had the good fortune to meet any or any that would take any notice of me. I thank her for responding to my submission and for sharing her experiences with me.

MY RECENT TRIP TO THAILAND

THE ATTEMPTED SCAM (THEFT) – I had read about this scam from a Stickman submission so knew what was happening and luckily didn’t fall prey. I was on a baht bus in Pattaya when three Thai girls got on, actually one was a Katoey. One sat next to me and the other two started to play musical chairs. I was sat right at the back and the Katoey beckoned me to move forward so that I was between her and her friend. I realised they were positioning me to try and go through my pockets so I just shook my head and covered my pockets with my hands.

She pulled a funny face and sat next to a farang lady instead with her bag resting between her and the farang lady. Her arm hidden behind it. I was just about to tell the farang lady to watch her bag or pockets when she rang the bell and got off.

Watch yourself out there, it seems like this is still attempted when the conditions are right. A crowded baht bus with tired and drunk farangs unaware of what is happening.

LADY BOYS – Talking of lady boys (katoeys) I can spot them a mile off or so I thought. Their accentuated hip swaggering because of their straight hips, long necks, big hands and shoulders etc but I was caught out. I was in a Nana Plaza go go bar when a ‘girl’ outside caught my attention. I kept looking at her as she smiled at me through the curtain and wriggled her arse also through the curtain on the door. She motioned that I buy ‘her’ a drink and I nodded. She started to walk towards me and I then realised that ‘she’ was a lady boy. It was too late to back out so I had a chat and a drink with ‘her’ but the most off-putting thing about the whole thing was she smelt like a bloke. I downed my beer as quickly as I could.

In another bar there were some lovely ladies but also three lady boys who were very pushy. One tried their luck but I gave ‘her’ the brush off so the next came over to talk to me. She asked how long I was in Singapore. I replied that we were in Bangkok and then asked whether she had just come back from working in Singapore but ‘she’ seemed very embarrassed and disappeared.

BANGKOK TAXI DRIVERS – From past experience I have learnt not to get a taxi from the tourist spots or outside Nana Plaza, Soi Cowboy etc. I walk around the corner and get one that is driving past. I opened the door to one and asked to go to my hotel on the meter. I had to ask for the meter to be switched on four times and when he wouldn’t I opened the door. He then put it on straight away. He also tried to take me anywhere but my hotel but I was insistent. By the end of the journey we were best mates but you have to be firm with them.

ENGLISH FOOTBALL – I can’t believe how popular English football is in Thailand. As soon as the taxi drivers hear you are English they just want to talk about football. I love to play football but would rather watch paint dry than watch a game but it’s on in almost every bar.

GUESS MY AGE – You know the score, you go into any bar and you are asked the same questions. After name and where you come from they quite often ask your age. When you ask them to guess they always guess a lot lower than you really are.

I don’t blame them because they do not want to offend you by guessing an age older than you actually are and I do exactly the same if they ask me to guess their age.

This reminds me of a time I was talking to an English girl in an English pub. I asked how old she was and she said you should not ask a lady how old she is so I asked her how much she weighed. Needless to say I went home alone that night.

Anyway, in one bar I had three girls around me and they all guessed my age as a lot younger than what I actually am. I held out a 100 baht note and said this is for the one who guesses my age correctly. Well, the guessed ages went up substantially and were a lot closer to my actual age. They can gauge your age accurately but do not want to offend us old gits.

OTHER TOURISTS – Now I always try to be friendly and make an effort to chat with other tourists. I will try to strike up a conversation at the hotel swimming pool, in the gym and as I get on a baht bus. I’ve had some good conversations. I paid the 10 baht fare for a Welsh fellow who tried to pay with a 1000 baht note. I advised some Bangladeshis not to get on an empty baht bus because it could be considered a private hire with the fare being a lot more than 10 baht. I have been thanked by an American for the help from the British during the Iraqi war although I played no part in it and I shared stories with an Australian where his parents and my uncle were both £10 POMs.

There are some, however, who are very embarrassing and I cringe thinking what the locals think of them. I was on one baht bus with a tattooed English yob. Every sentence started with f***ing and included insults to Thais, his Thai girlfriend and just about anyone else. On another occasion I was on a river ferry in Bangkok and there was a young American fellow who was talking so loudly that I was going to sit at the other end of the boat but I would still have been able to hear him. He was talking to a girl – "Do you like dading like taller guys, my band like was like featured in a magazine like blah blah blah".

One nationality I cannot work out are the Russians. They always look dour faced and never respond to a smile or greeting. It would be good to see a submission from a Russian to appreciate their point of view.

THE TAILOR – I went to a tailor to get some trousers made as I usually do because I am tall and have difficulty getting off the peg ones that fit. I was persuaded to get some shirts as well and said that I like them loose. I said this twice as he measured my chest and my waist. He said that he had heard me the first time and he would make them loose.

During the fitting I requested that the pockets for the trousers were made deeper, no button hoops and the legs an inch wider which he noted. When I went to collect them the shirts were loose but the trousers had none of my requests.

He handed me his card and said I could order more by email if I needed any more in the future. I was all set to do this but because he hadn’t listened to me I chucked his card away.

GO GO BAR MIRRORS – I don’t know if you are aware that the mirrored walls in go go bars serve two purposes. The first is for the girls to watch themselves as they dance. Several times I have thought that sexy dancer is looking at me only to realise she is watching herself in the mirror above my head.

The second purpose is for the girls to check you checking them out. Now, I’m a bit of an arse man and I love it when they turn around on stage and wriggle their sexy derrieres in g-strings. I have been caught twice looking lustfully at their prime bit of rump to gaze upwards and see them looking at me in the mirror looking at them. Both times they ask the waitress to hand me a serviette to mop up my drool.

VARIATION – It surprises me, and in most cases delights me, the way the girls vary in the way they interact with you in a bar or when you buy them a lady drink. One night on my recent trip I bought a lady drink but it was me asking all the questions and she just sat there with her hands on her lap. The next bar I went to I was practically undressed with the girl all over me like a rash. She was kissing me everywhere and fiddling with my peculiars. Now I would go for the latter approach every time, wow wow wee wah, sexy time.

NOOK – I am pleased there are so many bars in Pattaya because once you have been to one and bought a lady drink the same girl will immediately latch onto you again the next time you visit.

I normally have one drink in each bar unless there is a good show or a young lady that takes my interest. I walked into one go go bar and after sitting there for ten minutes was approached by a young lady and I offered her a lady drink which she accepted. She sat next to me and cuddled me closely intermittently asking me the normal questions.
From out of nowhere this absolutely stunning girl appeared and started to dance next to the stage. She was wearing jean shorts with all the buttons undone and a cut off t-shirt so you could see the underneath of her ample chest. As she danced her thrupenny bits would escape with the t-shirt resting on her raspberry ripples. She would wriggle back into her top and carry on dancing totally engrossed in the music.

Since I had already bought a lady drink for someone else I thought it inappropriate to beckon her over. Luckily the lady I had bought a drink for was cuddling in so closely I was able to watch the other one unnoticed. After a few minutes the stunner went to sit with another customer so I drank my beer and left.

The next night I just couldn’t get the image of this stunning girl out of my mind so I just had to go back there. When I entered I greeted the lady I had bought a drink for the previous evening and said that I would just like to have a beer and watch the stage show. She smiled and went to sit with her friends.

While sitting there I saw the stunning one from the night before wearing the same outfit looking absolutely lovely. As she walked past I smiled at her but no reaction. She walked past again a few minutes later and I smiled again but still no reaction. This time she went and sat with another customer. I realised that she was not interested but at least I had made an effort and it would not be one of my many regrets where I had not even tried. In addition after walking past twice I had realised that her ample boobage was in fact silicone.

I sat drinking my beer when the lights and music changed for a show. The stunning girl got on stage along with two others. As I watched the stunning one my gaze kept moving to the girl next to her. Now this one was tall, very dark, natural and absolutely bootilicious. The mamasan saw me watching her and asked if I liked her. I said yes and that I would like to buy her a drink. Her name was Nook (name changed).

Nook came over and was the sweetest girl you could ever hope to meet. She was very modest, unassuming and so attentive. Being close to me, I could see that she knocked the other girl for six in the looks and sexiness department. She explained that she was half Thai and half African American which explained her height and bootiliscious ‘Arris.

The mamasan was still close and came up to the both of us and said that they had a room if we wanted it. I was surprised at this but looked at Nook and she nodded. I asked how much and then handed over the money to the mamasan and then we were in the room.

From past experience I have learnt to seize the opportunity as it presents itself. In the past I have gone back to a bar to see a girl I had seen earlier to find she had already been barfined or gone home. I have also barfined in the past late at night and just felt too drunk and tired by the time we got back to the hotel to really enjoy the experience. At that moment I felt instant attraction so went with it.

Anyway, I thought the room would be upstairs or round the corner but it was behind a single door close to the stage. While inside I could hear the girls and punters talking and laughing outside and the music pumping. She came close to me and what was going on outside was forgotten. I thanked her for allowing me to bar fine her and she said it should be her thanking me. What a sweety.

What a truly wonderful experience. She was so considerate and obliging. I was a timeless moment where time seemed to stand still. I remember looking in the mirror on the wall and thinking this is not a dream but real, you lucky man. That was my second to last night and I just had to go back on my last night for a repeat performance. Every time I closed my eyes on the flight home I was back there with Nook.

VIAGRA – I’m not boasting here when I say I do not need Viagra. All I need is a sexy girl with a pleasant demeanour and the big hand is at 12 o’clock. Nothing sends it to 6 o’clock faster than a moody mare who doesn’t smile however sexy she is.

I have taken Viagra eye drops when I worked as a bouncer to make me look hard. I have also taken it when I get sun burnt to keep the sheets off me when I am in bed. I stopped taking it, however, when I got them mixed up with my sleeping tablets and ended up having 40 wanks.

Alright, enough of the jokes. I was asked to get some Viagra for a friend when I was in Thailand and bought some from a pharmacy. It had, what I thought was, the correct packaging with the holographic label. I decided to remove the packaging and put the pills in a small plastic bag in my wash bag. Out of interest I started to read the instructions but there were so many spelling and grammatical errors I realised they were fake.

I took them back pointing out the poor instructions and luckily got a refund. I was wondering if the Ricki Lakes (fakes) would work like the real thing or whether there are some unpleasant side effects. Has anyone had any experience of this ?

I TAKE CARE OF YOU – Now I can fully understand why farang men fall for these lovely Thai maidens. They say those magic words "I take care of you" and when you take them out of the bar and to your hotel they do exactly that. In farang land you are never taken care of like this. It also seems as if they appreciate a man with a good heart when back in farang land you have to treat them mean to keep them keen.

A lot of men, myself included, would be willing to pay air fares, dowries, family rent etc for the continuation of that ‘taking care’ treatment but we have all heard the horror stories and you never know if it will continue. At the time it is heaven but can turn to hell. The ‘taking care’ can come to an abrupt stop but the financial obligation can continue with divorce settlements, losing investments in bars, houses etc.

Life’s a gamble. Never let your fears become greater than your dreams but always expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Now I’m back in England I find my mind drifting off back to Thailand at every opportunity and I find myself saying everything twice or three times, for example, same same, work work work, dink dink dink, boom boom boom, litten litten bit, no pompem.

If you want to send me an email then that would be great. Thanks to Stickman, as always, for a terrific web site.

All the best, have fun and take care

John McCoy

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals