Stickman Readers' Submissions October 11th, 2008

The Serendipitous Philanderer – Maximising Your Potential Part II


As I shuddered onto the landing strip at the airport in Vientiane I recalled the words I had read in my travel book. They were to the effect that Westerners were not encouraged to fraternise with the local female populace. In fact, if I remember
correctly it was issued as a warning. It sounded like there could be some sort of unpleasant ramifications if one were caught with a local lass in a compromising position. Of course (Dr Gray's advice aside), that was what every red-blooded
male was hoping for!

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An ex-colleague happened to be visiting Laos at this time. He was the head of a large NGO working in Asia and visited Laos at least once a month. He had the lowdown on where to stay and where to eat. The Hotel he advised me to lodge in is
the large one run by the Government which is right on the banks of the Mekong. Unfortunately I cannot remember its name but perhaps others will recognise it from my description and inform me.

They also ran a Government sponsored traditional massage (real massage and no boom-boom), for the grand total of $2 for one hour. It was a very pleasant environment with beautiful young softly spoken Laotian girls dishing out the goodies.

Having just flown in from Hanoi I needed somewhere to relax. I am sure that joint would stress out the Pope himself. Having all the merchandise poked in my face by the young rude merchants around the Lake (Western area), copping their abuse
every 50 steps and seeing a poor kid get killed by a motor bike was enough to fire my enthusiasm to retreat as quickly as possible.

To add insult to injury I was accosted by two gays. Now I might have done a few things in my time of which I am not proud, and occasionally (as lads are want to do), have been so horny that one of the AIDS sodden skanks who inhabit the waterfront
of Pattaya have started to look good – but I have never come close to 'batting for the other side'.

I was sitting alone enjoying the scenery at the Hoan Kiem lake in the Old Quarter. As I chopped my apple and soaked in the sites I noticed a young Vietnamese guy came and sat near me. He seemed very polite and asked if he could practice his
English. Many young girls had come up to me in the park in Saigon with the same request, so I thought nothing was out of the ordinary, I nodded in confirmation.

However the conversation started to descend into one particular area. "You handsome man, you have nice muscle leg and very strong arms". Now I was not too familiar with the culture and though the blokes back home in Auss never comment
on my body parts – I gave a bit of latitude for cultural differences and took it as a compliment.

Then the next question "you want to come and watch DVD together", started to raise my hackles a little. "Oh yea, what kind of DVD", says I "oh, one with many man in underpant", says he.

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Now I don't know about you blokes reading this, but if you set out on an Asian adventure with the prospects of a cuddle or two from a gorgeous hot babe wearing nothing but a smile – the thought of watching a bunch of blokes scorching
around in their jocks does not even come close. He confirmed his hideous desires when he put his hand on my leg.

Fortunately I still had my pocket-knife close by – with that I grabbed the knife and pointed toward his 'flugle horn' and said "me chop off, me chop off". With that I gave him a shove and pushed him onto the ground.

At this stage I must add a disclaimer. I know that Korski and BKKSW and others of the Stickmanite fame are going to write and tell me I was an idiot. I will save them the bother – it was a really stupid thing to do. When I get around to writing
part three of 'Billy Bunter's Asian hijinks and other misadventures' I will tell you how I barely got out of Hanoi with life and limb still in one piece. Unfortunately I started my travels in Vietnam when I was a bit green and not
savvy in matters of dealing with locals and averting problems. To pull a knife and do that was really dumb, but I did not take kindly to being approached in that manner by a gay. However it just got worse.

After he left, within ten minutes another guy came and tried the exact same thing. I decided to keep moving and avert any more 'offers' of this kind.

I loved the rest of Asia but you can have Vietnam. The women are by far the most beautiful with their white skin and fine features but to me are the least trust-worthy and most mercenary of all the Asian girls – by far.

With that backdrop one can imagine what a wonderful place of refuge it was coming to Laos. The Laotians are the antithesis of the noisy rude Vietnamese. They are not so bad in the South but are much worse as you get up near the border with
China – even their own people in the Sth don't like the ones from Hanoi. One almost gets the feeling that the Laotians are treating you with disdain. They don't come near you to poke stuff in your face like in Vietnam – they just sit
there quietly in their stalls and wait for you to come to them – a real breath of fresh air.

Whilst staying in the hotel that my friend recommended I decided to avail myself daily of the $2 massage, and started to get friendly with one of the girls – we will call her Ling (no she did not look like a monkey – it actually means monkey
in Thai and the languages are similar). She was very small and petite and spoke English very well. She had spent many years working for the Government health office that dealt with the issue of AIDS in their country. She helped educate the local
populace in regards to practicing safe sex. She did say that there is not an epidemic in Laos as there is in other Asian countries. I think this has a lot to do with the Government's strong stand against prostitution (even though it does
go on a bit behind the scenes) and the shy nature of the local people.

I always enjoyed my hourly massage with the girls and they had all grown accustomed to my daily visits. We had a lot of laughs amidst the many questions they would fire at me. "You have girlfriend", "how old you", "where
you from" "why you not smoke and drink alcohol", "you very handsome man" nothing like a bit of flattery to grease up the foreigner's ego?

Let me just say at this juncture – and I hope not to overemphasize the point Ad nauseam – but you will see this coming up time and time again in this series. I met the girls that I did and had the experiences that I did because the girls
were attracted to something different. This is certainly attainable for any bloke travelling in Asia. This discourse is certainly not to address the pros and cons of prohibition – I choose not to drink but that is a personal matter for me. What
I am saying here is this – whether you drink a bit or not, is not the point – the thing here is to stand out from the other drunken embarrassing sots who are disgusting diplomats for all foreign countries. Be sober and temperate, dress well, be
softly spoken and polite and you will be a babe-magnet!!

Ling said she was attracted to me because I was different to the other foreigners that she met. I told her that I would soon be travelling to Vang Viang for a couple of nights of caving and rafting, then onto Luang Prabang. I was shocked
when she asked if she could accompany me.

I told her about the warnings I had read but she said (as only they can say in Asia), "don't wolly, it will be ok". I decided to trust her and did not hold court on the matter. This girl was beautiful and to have her offer
to be my companion and travel guide, was a great plus. Being the cautious and curious one I then asked "how much"!! She was a little bit offended at this one. She informed me she was not a 'boom-boom' lady and did not sell
herself for sex. She said that she wanted to come with me because I was good man.

We set off within the next couple of days for the bus trip to Vang Viang. This was a really new experience for me. We had to go down to the big market in the city early in the morning to get a seat on the bus. I could see why she insisted
on getting there early. We had to fight with the baskets of chickens and fruit and veges up the isle to get somewhere to sit. I was the only foreigner on board and received many stares. I think by virtue of the fact that I was travelling alone
with a local girl.

This was a fantastic part of my trip and one of the special serendipities that I spoke of. Money could not buy this type of experience. I guess guys have paid girls to accompany them, but there is nothing like having somebody along as guide
and friend because they want to.

We finally arrived in the sleepy little town and went for a wander around some of the caves. I noticed when some of the local lads would pass us that they would often say something in their language. She told me they were being rude and making
sexual suggestions relating to my size and her size (I am average for Farang 5' 10 1/2, however she was very small and petite) – something along the lines of things not fitting because they were too big. I guess whatever culture one ventures
into – grubby school boys will always be grubby school boys!#$%^&!

We had a beautiful dinner that evening in an organic restaurant. I am a vegetarian so the food suited me to a tee and it was all grown locally and was so luscious.

Unlike some of Stick's aspiring writers, I don't believe in airing ones nuptials for the whole world to regurgitate. Not that I am a prude or anything, but I don't want to put anybody off their breakfast with all the gory details
of what happens in the evening, in ones private chambers. However, suffice to say, this delightful little blossom proved to be a wonderful addition to ones' evening activities – and all for free!! Probably one of my most memorable experiences
in this direction.

I must add one thing at this point in our dissertation – true to all things related to travelling in Asia, there were a couple of "man am I hearing and seeing things"!

You may recall I mentioned that she used to work for the AIDS council (or equivalent thereof) in Laos. I later checked out the statistics and rationale behind some of the things she told me. In fact I asked her many questions and stored it
all away in my head. I do believe that she was telling the truth and did actually work for the AIDS council. However the reason I sound skeptical is that she insisted on doing the goodies with no condom.

Can you imagine that – a girl who spent many years working for the AIDS Council – seeing all the stat's and dead bodies – insists on having sex with no condom – WT>>>>!!!! Can only happen in Asia. Now whether or not she thought
tee totaling vegetarians were less likely to be infected than the normal populace or not I have no idea. I quizzed her on this one at length and she said that she found it much more intimate and that the latex irritated her. She said I looked
like clean man with no AIDS – WT>>>>????

Now if this is not enough, she did the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed in regards to mating rituals. After the deed was performed she grabbed the goodies and smeared it all over her face. "What the hell are you doing "
says I – "applying beauty treatment", says she. I rest my case – only in Asia.

We spent a delightful few days together then she had to return to the capital for work and I had to catch my bus on to Luang Prabang. She was a delightful girl and it was with rather sad longings that we said goodbye. When I finally returned
back to Sydney, after this leg of the journey, my flatmate handed me a beautiful postcard, letter and photos that she had sent me (I had given her my address and details).

I had decided it was not worth pursuing a long-term relationship with a girl from this country. If you think it is difficult getting a Thai girl into Auss – try one from Burma or Laos. I really hope I did not hurt her feelings because she
may have done all of this for some hope of a future together.

It was unfortunate because I believe she would have made a great partner. She never ever mentioned money and I purposely left it right until the end to find out if there was a catch or not. I am pleased to announce there wasn't. She
was getting on the bus and about to say goodbye to me, when I handed her an envelope with 7,000 Baht in it (the Laotians love Thai currency). She would have left without asking for one razoo – a real breath of fresh air from most of the girls
one meets in Asia.

Ok – here's the rub!! There are no guarantees travelling in Asia – good things may or may not happen to you. If I went back to try and duplicate that beautiful experience, I may not be able to. I would have to travel alone and not have
the company of such a delightful young lady. However that is not the point. The point is, when travelling in Asia if you stand out from the crowd as somebody different or a bit special, you will maximise your potential and will probably be greeted
with wonderful serendipities that will amaze and delight you.

Luang Prabang (even better things to come Part three)

Stickman's thoughts:

No comments as I am out all day today….sorry!

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