Stickman Readers' Submissions October 3rd, 2008

How To Find Love In Thailand

I thought I would write some thoughts and observations about third world love that I have learned by coming to Thailand now for over 3 years, totaling about 5 – 6 months in the kingdom. I have to admit that I really am quite an authority on all things
Thai. I have finally reached the point where I easily understand the Thai mind, and since I always know what they are thinking, I will attempt to educate and guide you on the fascinating journey you will embark upon when you fall in love
in Thailand.

Please allow me to introduce myself by stating quite clearly that I am a sex tourist. I am annoyed when I hear the whispering around my back about going to temples and such. These things are simply not true. This also makes me an
accomplished authority on love and relationships in Thailand and I always make sure I only fraternize with the highest social class in the kingdom.

I despise learning anything cultural about a country when I visit. This is precisely why my advice is to be considered of such high value to a new man looking for love in a foreign land. I have wisdom to impart, unfettered by facts
or common sense.

There are many places to find candidates for love and marriage in Thailand and a man's most certain first stop should be the Nana Plaza.

Here you will find all kinds of warm, kind-hearted girls. These are all girls that hate what they are doing and would rather be with you forever. However, situations in life have conspired against them and they are forced to go with
men they dislike in a job they detest. The first time you hear 'me think you different' you have potentially found your bride, and the love of your now, soon to be abject life. You may find it was all too easy to find this budding
rose that will be the light of your life for the foreseeable future.

Surprisingly enough, you may find yourself in the company of a lass in there, that finds you to be different from her customers. If you are a 'hansum man' (sic) with good heart and a big gut, you could find a girl that will
fall in love with you very quickly. If she is the lucky girl and you have quickly found love it is important to know that she cannot leave the bar right away just because the two of you have a special bond.

What I strongly recommend you do is arrange for her to continue working in the bar where she will now just dance and not go with customers. She will confirm that what I am telling you is very common and you can be certain she loves
you because she will tell you. So, you never need to worry about any sort of betrayal.

If you have tried all the gogos and have somehow managed to avoid true love then you may be due for a nice soapy massage.

Soapy massage parlours are an excellent place to hunt for your lifetime partner. These girls are taught all about love every single day. Therefore they know exactly how to very quickly, help a man attain self actualization. This is
an aspect of marriage should be taken very seriously.

If a man's tastes run more virginal, than perhaps a visit or two to some of the bars on lower Sukhumvit will turn the trick, so to speak. Here you will find women and everything, waiting for the foreign man of their dreams. These
girls also hate what they do and only pray to Jesus (if they find out you are a Christian) that they will meet a decent man to marry them and take them away from their troubled lives.

If you are still not having any luck and absolutely refuse the love of a woman with a checkered past then I suggest that you go to one of the many beauty salons found in the kingdom. Here you will find girls that you can be sure are
cut of the highest moral cloth.

So, we have covered how to find a suitable lifetime mate but how do we meld our cultures so that you both have a fulfilling and blissful life together?

First of all, you can rest assured that you will have no problem in being accepted quickly and lovingly by her family in a most sincere way. This will first become apparent to you when you see the smiles on all their faces in your
presence. I would suggest an offering of money to get them used to the fact that they now will have you to support them. This family support is, I'm afraid, a fact of life in Asia. It is best to think of this support as an act of
charity. After all, you will be helping a poor third world family that would otherwise, not be able to afford whiskey and cigarettes for themselves and their children. The other good thing about helping her family, is that you can rest
assured that if you are ever down on your luck and have lost your money, that family will take you in as one of their own for as long as you need.

Speaking of family, there are a couple of things that are different from our western families. One of these differences is that Thai families are very close. However, as the farang, you will be considered the core and most important
part of your new extended family. Although sometimes, you may notice things that are troubling to you; for instance; their families can be so close that sometimes, your new bride will have a brother or male cousin that she is especially
fond of. Sometimes they talk and spend time together everyday. This again, is just part of Thai culture and nothing to worry about.

In fact when the time comes to build the house that you will pay for, it is often advisable to put both your bride and her brother's name on the title. This will ensure that if things do not work out with your wife you will be
able to get your money back. Please do not forget that sometimes her brother will have a different surname than your wife. Again this is merely a different culture.

When building the house, it is advisable to hire a family member or close family friend to do the building. Perhaps, if you are fortunate, the brother that is so close to his sister, may oversee the construction.

It is not advisable to have any preset spending limits on your house as things often have a tendency to change in price. Again, this is all part of the fun of learning a new culture and becoming an integral part of your new family.
The house can be constructed while you are back at home raising the money for your new suite in paradise. I would suggest that you not even ask for any pictures of the construction as you can then experience the pleasure of being completely
dumbstruck at the amount of work that has been done. And, all this for just a pittance or two more than you had agreed upon.

Once you are able to realize your dreams of living in the complete paradise that Thailand is, you will then be moving in with your new bride.

This is the time that you will start to realize just how lucky you are to have found the love of your life. One of the first things that I would suggest for new love is to rid yourself of most of your old friends. Thai girls will
often make liars out of jealous friends and it is not uncommon for friends to resent your new found bliss. Often they will resort to telling lies at every opportunity, to try to drive a wedge between you and your special loving relationship.
They will start off with lies about seeing her out at bars or going with customers, they will often progress to the point of saying things like ' dude, can't you see she is just using you for money'. Finally, as a desperate
last attempt you may hear a story from a so called good friend that goes something like 'I have to tell you what happened as I need to tell you the truth. When you couldn't show up the other night your wife and I decided to have
a couple of beers while we waited for you and the next thing I knew we were in bed together'

This sort of thing will be cleared up when you talk to your wife. You will probably find that your friend made a pass at her and she had to fight him off and feared for her life. This was why she never told you. Obviously it is time
for a new set of friends.

As part of Thai culture, The Thai woman will have a very narrow definition of infidelity that will only encompass you sleeping with other partners. If she even suspects that you have been unfaithful she has every right, in her culture,
to cut or stab you with a knife or broken bottle. You will find out later from her that she would never have really hurt you but that she only acted this way out of love. This kind of behavior is nothing to worry about and is yet again,
one of the pleasures of learning a new culture that you can all laugh about later on.

One advantage of her having such a close relationship with her brother or male cousin is that he will keep an eye on her for you and if he ever suspects that she has been unfaithful he will quite quickly administer a most horrific
beating of her that possibly will lead to permanent disfigurement. It is best not to interfere with their relationship as she will then be forced to pick her brother or cousin over you and you may then lose the light of your life forever.

If, in spite of all my sage advice, you manage to find yourself in a bad situation, you still will have many options. You may find yourself penniless. You may find that because of something you have done, her Thai family may just
keep your partially completed house and all your money. You may find because of something you have done, they no longer consider you a part of their family.

If you find yourself a broken man do not despair. The answer to this is to get on the next bus to Pattaya. Take the most expensive bus you can afford and when you get there check into the nicest hotel on the top floor. Go buy yourself
the most whiskey that you can and return to your room. Begun to drink copious amounts of whiskey, all the while turning over what has happened to your life over and over. When you finally realize that you just can't take it anymore
open the sliding glass door, wince momentarily, and retreat from the bright sunlight, and then proceed to run and jump as far as you can.

As I write this I realize what an invaluable guide this really is. However, I have found most people quite quickly figure out all of the advice given here, and have quite easily followed the program prescribed here without any direction
from me. However, for the person that needs that little extra on how to make your life better by half, and undoubtedly shorter and much more emotional, I have laid out this diatribe free to anyone who wishes to consult my letter of instruction.

I would like to reiterate that this is a proven recipe that has worked for many hundreds of foreigners. However, it is important that you follow the recipe. To deviate in any way is like buying McDonald's and changing the Big
Mac. It just doesn't make sense.

For any of you that believe my advice to be worthy of compensation, please keep your money. I am quite successful buying and selling condos in Florida and receiving a monthly stipend from my loving Thai family in Surin.

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Stickman's thoughts:

What is sad is that so many people do in fact follow this errant advice.

nana plaza