Readers' Submissions

Golden Vagina, Academic Version

  • Written by Anonymous
  • October 4th, 2008
  • 9 min read



Mens, have you ever seen something so clear and easy yet those around you can not see it no matters how much they tries? This is the case with the Golden Vagina. Many mens have asked your Blackest Bart to be more see though, explanating more, and to tell thems all about the Golden Vagina in details. Ok then, Blackest Bart will use a hole submission just to further explanating about the Golden Vagina. An academic version eh? (I learned this from Korski)

Mostest womens are raised in mostest countries to think they have a Golden Vagina. From the time they are tiny girls they are told to not give it up, to hold on to that Golden Vagina until they marry, and then they are taught how to exercise the Golden Vagina after marriage to control her husbands. The Golden Vagina has value! It is something to be bartered, traded, taxed and stamped, the vagina is not for procreations or pleasure, the vagina is a tool of status and commerce and should only be used for economic purposes.

Of course todays modern womens also know the Golden Vagina can bring them pleasure and then they willingly hang it out there for free, but not with just any mens. No wedgie mens please! A “Pussy” is for pleasure, a “Vagina” is for economics. Please write down this difference. The “pleasure pussy” is for those top 10-15% of mens who womens really desire and since most of you are not in that 10-15% like Aha, Billy Bob Toolarge, and myself, we will stick to the economic Golden Vagina. This is what you will see on display on the chrome poles of Patpong, Nana, and the Cowboy and not very well hidden under the skirts of Thai womens everywhere.

Ok, we continues. The economic value of the Golden Vagina is most often based in how nice of a body and face it is attached to, the vagina’s age, what kind of family it comes from, how well educated it is, and if the vagina has been able to accomplish anything else in life not related to the vagina. (extremely rare). These veryables are added up together in the womens and womens families heads, and a value is set. Sometimes this value is called Sinsod, but not always.

To make this easy to understand, the womens holds the keys to the Golden Vaginas. If the mens wants her to open it up and let him in, then he must expect to pay for its use and maintenance. A womans has been told since a little girl “do not let mens into your vagina unless…” The “unless” part is important. Usually this means marriage, sometimes this means a guy buying her a house, sometimes its nothing more than a barfine and short time fee.

Mens (this does not include the 10-15% of mens with master keys) do not get access to the Golden Vagina without paying, and continued access ALWAYS means he keeps on paying. Let us use some examples. Remember the sad wedgie mens? Lets say there is a professor who is a wedgie mens, we will call him Professor Wedgie eh?

Professor Wedgie meets a cute Thai girl at Robinsons. Obviously he wants PUSSY but because he is a wedgie mens the best he can ever hope for is the Golden Vagina! He wines her, he dines her, he buys her a ring, he buys her shoes, he buys her purses, and for months he continues making installment payments on the Golden Vagina. In return the girl allows herself to be seen in public with a wedgie mens, she laughs at his stupid jokes, and she slowly gives him hope that someday he might see the pussy. He will not. This kind of men forever and ever will only know the vagina!

How are the installment payments figured? This depends on the particular wedgie mens. How old is him, how fat is him, how smelly and how bald is him? The more furthers from the girl the wedgie mens is, the more the installment payments. A 30 year old wedgie mens with his hair, not yet obese, and a good job will pay much less installments than a 70 year old wedgie mens with no hair, obese, and is a smelly mens. If the girl is 22 she gets more installment payments, if she is 32 she gets much less installment payments. Buying a Golden Vagina is not that much different than buying a New Car, except in this case how good the driver is gets figured into the price figures.

Open Vagina day is the day all wedgie mens look forward to. This is the day the womens decides he has made enough installment payments and will gives him access to her Golden Vagina. The womens won’t do this lightly, she considers every veryable. If she is a “good girl” she will be looking for marriage, if she is a “everybodies girls” she will be looking for something big later on, if she is a bad girl she will be looking to see if the wedgie mens is stupid enough to marry her anyway and build her and her boyfriend a house!

The wedgie mens is all excited about Open Vagina day. He bathes, sometimes for the first (and last) time that year. He buys condoms. He buys a big tube O’lube (he knows in his heart he can not make her lube naturally). He is ready! The girl she is devastated. She knows she made the deal with the wedgie mens and now she must pay with her vagina. She does her best to drag out and decrease the experience. She will take forever taking a shower. She will wear that towel until the lights are out and under the covers. She will starfish. A wedgie mens is about to enter her Golden Vagina and in most cases she knows she can never bargain for her vagina like you do for a new car again. The best she can do is sell used cars.

That night the wedgie mens finally gets some vagina. Oh, the taste is so sweet! He is a mens at last! It doesn’t matter that she starfished, how would he know the difference? All he knows is he is a mens! The next day he can not wait to get more vagina. He hurries over to the girls apartment, sits on the couch with her, and tries for some more. She cries, she fakes to the left, fakes to the right, says she has her period, tells him she is worried about the future. Do you know what she is doing? She is setting up the wedgie mens for the balloon payments! Wedgie mens so badly wants more vagina he does anything she wants, he might agree to marry a good girl, lease a car for a “everybodies girl”, or pay to get the buffalo fixed up if it’s a bar girl. The balloon payment is due!

The point is, the holder of the Golden Vagina will extract payment from the Wedgie mens for continued access to the vagina. Just because she lets him inside once does not mean he gets a key to go in whenever he wants. This access is only for real mens who hold master keys. A Wedgie mens soon gets used to paying for access to the Golden Vagina until he no longer even thinks about it. One night he might have to pick up the dinner bill for the entire family, a week later help a family member buy a new motorsai, maybe a week later pay for another family members school tuition, and as often as he has money, as much as the womens thinks he can pay, she will make him pay for continued access to the Golden Vagina. When the Wedgie mens buys her something very big, say some land, a pickup truck, or builds a house, the womens will be so happy with her loot that she might even move around during sex making the Wedgie Mens think he’s just had the best sex of his life. In reality all he has experienced is what happens when he overpays!

Bargirls are experts as making Wedgie mens believe they are getting pussy, when in fact they are only getting vagina. Mens, do you no the difference now? Vagina is for economics, pussy is for fun. Fun pussy is for the guys with master keys only! Accept this and you will not get your heart broken so easy!

Of course yours truly Blackest Bart is using some very common examples, but the theory, the academic study, of the Golden Vagina remains the same throughout all cultures, all countries, all civilizations. Womens are raised from birth to only let someone inside there vagina AFTER the mens have paid in some way. This could be a big limo and some good weed on prom night, helping with a down payment for a car, or even marriage. Wedgie mens to not get access to the Golden Vagina without rendering payment due! And the payment is NEVER FOR GENERAL ADMISSION!!! It is usually for a single ride only.

Continued access to the Golden Vagina requires regular payments, even balloon payments. In the worst cases (marriage) the Wedgie mens must give up there testicles! I craps you not! They must have there testicles removed, put in a jar, and presented on a cushy blood red satin pillow to “She who controls the Golden Vagina” where they will be placed on the fireplace mantel on display for all to see. Your children will see them on display, your friends and family will see them on display, everyone will know you have given up your man hood for regular access to the Golden Vagina!

Many mens gets them back 20-30 years later after the Golden Vagina loses its luster and starts sagging and stinking. You might think by this time that the Golden Vagina has lost its value eh? NOOOOOOO!!!! Divorce is the last and final and biggest balloon payment a man makes to the Golden Vagina, this often costs more than half of everything he owns and has worked for his entire life! In the worst cases the courts order him to keep on paying for years and years after the Golden Vagina has moved on and is now collecting payment from some other sucker!

Nana and the Cowboy are full of men who have recently recovered there testicles through court action. They are out there in the nightlife swinging them left, swinging them right, and swinging them up and down just getting used to the feel of having testes again. Their is a sad part to this. They still think they are paying for pussy, when in fact the cycle is starting all over again and they are making installment payments on a Golden Vagina instead. Wedgie mens never learn eh?

Stickman's thoughts:

The golden vagina. If nothing else, you have coined a phrase that is hard to forget.