Stickman Readers' Submissions August 30th, 2008

Sperm Bank

Sometimes even I am not sure where to start when telling a story. This time I think I will start back when Blackest Bart was poor. Blackest Bart was poor? YES, for you readers who pay attention you will have noted that I did not become wealthy (extremely) until after my 25th birthday. Before then Blackest Bart often had to eat cake. Now do not get me wrong dear reader, cake is not so bad, but sometimes I wanted to eat steak but with empty pockets how does I do?

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One fine Canadian morning I took a walk and nabbed old Mr. Darby’s newspaper from next door. At this time your Blackest Bart was taking any sort of employment he could find, Big Mac engineer, window cleaner, lubrication specialist, ditch digger, you name it and Blackest Bart excelled in it. Laugh now little mens, because Blackest Bart is so rich now I can laugh right back! Anyways, I am reading the classifieds and see an ad labeled “SPERM DONOR” and chuckles to myself thinking this is right up my alley! I keeps on reading but my hazel eyes however keep goings back to the bold print and for some reason I start to get a stiffy which is like a premeditated if you know what I mean. Stiffy in hand I dial the number and Ms. Sultry Voice answers on the other end and fills me in on the intimate details.

Remember when you were a teenager and you finally worked up the courage to ask that girls with the curly hair to the dance, and in the middle of asking you noticed you had a stiffy and the stiffy did not go away the entire time before the dance? And it was stiff during the dance, after the dance, and once you considered the possibilities of your dating career it pretty much stayed stiff until the first time you learned how to use it? This was exactly how I felt all days long waiting for my appointment with Ms. Sultry Voice!

I remember very clear, going into 312 Oak Street Suite B, up the stairs, and inside the reception area. Through the glass doors I think I spied Ms. Sultry Voice and oh boy was she hot! She was wearing a low cut blouse and had huge hooters and her dark black hair fell over the front as her dark eyes caught me staring. Finally she opened the window and asked me to fill out this form on a clipboard and held it out of me. Sorry Ms. Sultry Voice, but Blackest Bart had such a powerful stiffy he was afraid he could not stand up without bending over if you know what I mean. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I told her to just set it down on the counter and I would come get it once I finished this interesting Readers Digest story I was reading. She smiled slyly and closed the window. When the coast was clear if you know what I means, I hobbled over there and picked up the form.

These people wanted to know all sorts of information that I did not think fair. Ms. Sultry Voice at told me on the phone about the selection process and then only paying for “quality sperms.” Ok I think, I will make shit up! I put down some glitzy universities for my education, that I could speak nine languages, and my fine body and handsome face spoke for themselves! When I am done Ms. Sultry Voice calls me in the back and sits me in the chair and takes my temperature, blood pressure, and pulse, all the while giving me a great view of her hooters down her blouse. I do not think she minded much, especially because her nipples got even more hard.

With a smile she tells me she is done and I will be called if selected and out the door of 312 Oak Street Suite B I find myself, still sporting a massive stiffy. Talk about being dressed UP with no place to go! Two weeks later I am back at 312 Oak Street Suite B and being shown in side a “collection” room and given a cup to put my sperms insides. I sit there for two hours until after closing unable to donate! This collection room is not my style and I am more than a bit embarrassed by the entire thing. Is $65 Canadian really worth all this? Ms. Sultry Voice knocks on the door and tells me they are closing and asks me to finish up. 30 more minutes pass and I am not finished and she is back at the door.

I think everyone is gone by her and she asks to come in so she can see what the problem is. She walks in and sees my stiffy and makes me explaination to her that I can not donate all by myself. She smiles and says this is quite common and start to pull on a rubber glove. She explaination there is a technique she can do where I can not help but fill up the cup and tells me to get on all fours on the table, meanwhile she puts some lube on her finger, grabs the cup and puts it in position, and then I see her other hand heading to my back door if you know what I mean eh? Maybe it was her perfume, the view of her hooters, being naked in front of an older woman, or knowing she was about to bugger me.. but I started to fill up that cup right then and there! She smiles big as the last drops of sperms goes into the cup, puts on the top, throws away her rubber glove, and tells me to come out to her desk. She is all business now as she counts out my $65 and I am standing in front of 312 Oak Street Suite B feeling both drained and ridiculous at the same time.

This started a beautiful relationship with Ms. Sultry Voice. From then on she scheduled me near closing time and always had a different way to help me out if you know what I mean! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, this helped pay Blackest Bart’s rent for a long time and having the “pressure reliefed” helped me refine my great ways with womens. Understand, while most young mens would go out with womens and do anything to relief their load, including begging, lying, and making a general pathetic ass of themselves, your Blackest Bart could afford to relax and treat womens with the indifferent they deserve knowing that Ms. Sultry Voice and her rubber glove had just provided me some much needed relieve eh? The times might have been poor, but we still had fun eh?

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So why am I talking about this now and revealing my innermoist secrets? Well, I am sitting on my boat in Phuket taking in the sun, when the satellite phone starts to ring ring ring off it’s hook! Now, the satellite phone is like my “bat phone”, it only comes alive when there is something important goings on. I get up from my chair and go answer my phone and guess who it is eh? Yes, it is that fat barrister in Wellington! He says he has important news and I need to listen. He tells me to sits down so I sits down. Then he fills me in.

When I was being paid to donate my sperms to needly womens whose men were not really mens and could not get the job done if you know what I mean? When I was doing this important work I was told my identity would forever be a secret and that I would be helping hundreds of women across the country. A good plan eh? I’ve been trying to “help” women ever since, all over many country’s HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! I reallys thing I am doing a good thing, serving my fellow Canadians, and in the process populating this earth with as many outstanding physical specimens as possible.

Now I am told there is legal action afoots to allow these womens to have the identity of their sperm donors so they can go after child supports!!! Understand this, these womens with defective mens who could not helps them become pregnant, go to 312 Oak Street Suite B and get some Blackest Bart baby juice, get pregnant with the best genes possible, have healthy great looking finely toned babies, and now want the man who made it all possible to pay childs support for his generous works? Now I have heards it all!

This is no joke eh! Currently several states in the US and some provinces in Canada are considering such laws. This is the work of womens groups, the sort of groups the hairy dykey ‘not really womens’ womens belong to. The kind of womens who hates men because they are so butte ugly mens will never touch them, so they hate mens. Anything they can do to make mens life hard they enjoy doing. My barrister goes on to explain some more things to me.

In Washington State, if you “live” with a woman who has a child for more than a year, and you leave and go on your way to more sticks of butter, the state will go after you for child support. Wait, you think your ears were not working well? Imagine how Blackest Bart felt hearing this over the satellite phone! Yes, this kid(s) is not yours. You simply lived with “mom” for easy and cheap sex for a year.. and then you want to go your way for whatever smart reason you came up with. This womens can now take your names to the states welfare agency and say you abandoned her and collect welfare. Then, the states will send you a letter telling you that you must pay for this child who is not yours or they will come after you legally! Stickmans, I am not making this up!

Your Blackest Bart has no kids THANK YOU JESUS!!! Its not that I do not like kids, it is only that when I am done with a kid I want them to go home with YOU! I do not ever want to take a kid home with me. To put it straight, kids are a giant pain in the wazzuzzi! Fun at times, but a bunch of trouble and bother the rest of them time. Besides, why would I want kids of my own when I’ve already seeded the earth with hundreds of my fine and toned offspringys all ready?

Still I thinks that if a mans is stupid enough to produce children with a womens, then he should pay to raise those little brats. Mens who try to hide from such responsibilitys are the lowest of low. Pond scum. Sewer scum., Mens, if you have offspringys then pay the womans to feed them! But, but, but.. I know some mens whos child support payments are more than half their paycheck. They take so much money from these mens paychecks that they must live in cardboard boxes behind the GoodWill.

Meanswhille the “mother” does not work, and with the combined income of her welfare and the mens child support, she lives pretty niceness. The moms has nice clothes and nice shoes and a new car, but the brats are dressed in rags and look like they never eat. And if that is not enough, if a mens cannot pay then the state comes after him and takes away his passport, drivers license, union card, or whatever the man needs most to work and earn money to pay the childs support!

Why am I yapping about this? Because Stickmens.. there are many many mens in Thailand who are hear because they do not want to meet their responsibilitys in their home countrys. I have never respected these mens. Maybe the system is unfair, maybe the system is unjust, and maybe the female lesbian politicians are passing laws to bleed real mens dry. I understand that. But now you come here to Thailand to run away from these laws instead of fighting back? You should be very much ashames of yourselves.

Real mens will fight these injustices. And once again your Blackest Bart will set the example for all mens to follow and will fight the shrews in office trying to read into my pocket and takes my Canadian dollars. If I do not, then I might find out I have a few hundred little Blackest Barts running around the northernmost territories and in turn hundreds of scheming females with defective mens who want to read into my deep pockets simply because I was kind enough to gives them my sperms with Ms. Sultry Voices help.

I am not sure whats to do yet. I have sended out invitations to the greatest male minds in Thailand and called for a grand meeting. Aha Wendigo, Billy Bob Toolarge, Dana, Borkenmens, BKSSW, SEEPAPA, Doc H, Fantasia, Hans, V Bitters, Paddi, TT, StreetHole, CKM, Korskies, Dave, B, Barry, M. Hotlz, and that elusive Anonymous.. I am calling a major meeting and you had all better be there because our species is under attack by womens with fat hairy legs and sensible shoes!!! I will tell you about this meeting next time I right. It will be a interesting meeting I am shure.

Stickman's thoughts:

Hmmm, real shades of Dana here…. Dana, did you co-write this?!

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