Stickman Readers' Submissions August 8th, 2008

Princess And The Positive Aspects Of A Relationship With A Sex Worker

I had hoped when BK did the photo submission about Princess and Pan it would include Princess’s daughter. It has been some time since I have written about the daughter.

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There are of course reasons for everything.

Apparently she was too shy to join her mother and Pan during the photo session. But it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. She will never look the same again.

The dynamics of my relationship with Princess and Pan and her daughter have gone through many changes.

When I asked BK to take the photos I realized it was winding down. I didn’t go into the reasons.

The world changes so quickly, seems even more quickly in Thailand. Little things like her daughter getting pregnant have altered all of our relationships.

Perhaps I should not have started calling Princess grandmother. Her friends also picked up on her new nickname. I thought it had a ring to it but she did not share my enthusiasm.

Princess Granny left a while ago. She still calls to remind me to eat and watch the cars when I cross the street.

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I never gave her much money. Sometimes she even gave me money. Not because I asked for it or needed it. She gave me money because I was her gik or kik. It was a status thing among the other girls. I wasn’t her gik for long. I was soon replaced by a young handsome Thai singer. When she had it, bless her soul, she spent it. I’ll write about it sometime. Everyone should be a gik for a while. It gives you a perspective on Thai women. Not just bar girls. No no no. I said Thai women. Kipling said it well, “What did the Colonel's lady think? Nobody never knew. Somebody asked the Sergeant's wife, An' she told 'em true! When you get to a man in the case, They're like as a row of pins — For the Colonel's Lady an' Judy O'Grady Are sisters under their skins!”

Now Princess is working again. She gets two shorts a day or 2000 baht on a consistent basis. I don’t know why people buy her. The only reason I ever gave her money was to shut her up or prevent her from doing harm to people or property. Of course there were the times she needed her hospital or dental bills paid as a result of her temper or excesses.

The only gold I ever gave her was my ex wife’s wedding band which I thought was appropriate in a cosmic way and she pawned that.

She is an amazing woman. Looking like she does and at that age still able to hold her own among the deer-eyed young daughters of Isaan must make her the eighth wonder of the world.

Now that she is gone I am left with the decision of whether or not to replace her. I have read much of the trials and tribulations of having a relationship with a Thai whore.

I, however feel that the positive aspects of having a whore relationship have only been briefly touched on.

Thailand is not known for honesty. A relationship with a Thai person, whatever their background, may be fraught with large and small problems brought about by lying.

I don’t know if this trait is cultural or genetic but it is certainly a fact. With a whore this problem is solved. She will always lie. When caught in a lie she will display a broad spectrum of emotions, none of which is contrition.

If you don’t have a whore you will never know if your partner is lying. Marriage to a whore takes that question out of the equation. Never ask a question that you don’t know the answer to. This may defeat the purpose of asking questions but it will improve your mental health.

How many times have you been out with a good girl and she doesn’t like to swallow? Happens all the time, right?

Get a whore, this won’t be an issue.

The relationship between a man and a Thai woman is basically an exchange of cash for services rendered. This becomes clouded by being with a good girl. You may be tempted to think your partner is a normal non Thai person.

You may think your wife has a Thai boyfriend. With a whore you won’t have to wonder. You know she has.

This makes giving her money easier. When you are giving money to a woman to spend on another guy you don’t have to worry about how much to give her. You give her subsistence cash. No more than you have to. If you give her gold she will pawn it and give it to her boyfriend so you don’t give her any gold. You don’t buy her a car or motorcycle because she will sell them and give it to her boyfriend.

You don’t have to agonize over her father having cancer or her aunt Lucy needing a wooden leg. It is all going to some 20 year old twit in tight pants and spiked hair so you don’t fall for those lines.

There was only one married guy in Thailand who did not have sexual hang-ups or health problems that was faithful to his wife and he left last year for Australia. So when you knock off that cute piece in the toilet of the restaurant and the condom breaks you don’t have to worry about giving your wife the clap. She will think she got it from her boyfriend.

You can also take her to the doctor once a month for a check up without her getting angry. She is used to going.

There are some Thai women that get upset about little things and money does not seem to cure the problem. Let's say your wife has an 20 year old daughter from a previous marriage who lives with you. This young woman and you one afternoon unintentionally trip and lose your clothes and land on the bed. The excitement has caused you to get an erection and as luck would have it during your fall in an attempt to right yourself you end up inside of the stepdaughter who was trying to break your fall.

Your wife shows up.

Most wives would not accept this story. If your wife is a whore simply throw a couple of thousand baht on the bed and have a threesome.

Sex without showering? There are times when one just does not have the energy to jump in the shower. A whore is used to screwing stinky guys from all over Europe, Asia, India and the Middle East. So you don’t need to take a shower.

Of course not marrying whores has broad reaching economic consequences as well. To document these I spoke to Assadang Humnitnoi the Minister of Sopanee Agribusiness in Isaan.

Mr. Humnitnoi gave me the following insights.

I not wanting to tell you that all puying Isaan are taking money for puuchee. Fact, many women in Isaan selling som tom. Some are chownah rice. In my village there are three woman left when the fleet comes in to Pattaya. I am sure my mother went to visit relatives but we not find her for two weeks.

While ladies are gone we drink Lao Khao and play cards.

When ladies are here they go to store and buy Lao Khao. If you not marry whore ladies, who buy Lao Khao. You think we go to work. Ha ha ha. Many many men Thai sit on porch or by oil station and drink whiskey all day. Out of 30 million man Thai, 20 million drunk every day. You not marry whore who pay? You want these 20 million men go work? You want fly airplane? Bad enough now when try drive bus or taxi. How you falling going to like 20 million hangover Thai men trying to work in sun and get hot. Smell bad.

Years ago Isaan ladies very ugly. More ugly than now. Now have many luke kung ladies and ladies have luke kung baby. They make TV show and movie. Everybody happy. You not marry whore who make baby?

You not marry whore and who pay for tattoos on shoulder and just above ass crack? You tell me? What thousands of tattoo man do? He rob falling that what do.

What beauty shop lady do? Whore get hair done one time each day. Sometime more. Who pay? You not marry lady she have no money. Brother have no money. What you think deadbeat brother do? He rob falling.

What gold seller do? Whore lady when get married get gold much much. Not buy, what happen to gold seller man? He rob falling.

Who you think pay for car Isaan? You think farmer buy BMW? Ha ha ha. You not marry whore and all car dealership in Isaan close. What you think car mechanic who work at car dealership do? He rob falling.

Thai army pay very low pay. Many Thai army men have Thai girlfriend who is married to falling. What happen you not marry? Soldier shoot Falling, that what happen.

Thailand have many women. Thailand have few dumb tourists. Tourist read Sticksome column and not marry whore. You, Mr. Smart guy, you think that good?

Now Thai whore have Falang man. Thai man have food and house and car and plenty whisky. Thai man very happy now. Thai man drink whisky have silly business that don’t have work and no sweat. Thai man go massage. Thai man smile at Falang. You not marry whore Thai man not happy. Thai man have to work just like crazy Falang. Not happy. What you think happen? Thai man rob Falang. Falang fault.

Falang not marry whore. What you think, Thai man marry whore? Ha ha ha. Whore have big puchee. Thai man no want fall in. Thai man not dumb. Whore want Thai man have condom. Thai man not like. Not do.

How about Thai lawyer? Where he get business. Him no have Falang him be politician, I think not good.

Hit men have much business from Thai whore with Falang husband. What hit men do if no have business. He have trade. He working, not sit on porch and drink all day. Who he hit? Maybe become terrorist.

Thank you very much Mr. Humnitnoi.

I not finit speak. You want old lady work Pattaya? You not marry whore what happen to old whore? She stay work. You have to get wheely chair for old whore and put depends on go go dancer. You want? What we do with old whore if you not marry?

How about English teacher? He no have job. Why you think Thai lady want speak English? Speak English so talk Falang in bar. You not marry whore, all English teacher no have work. You go back to Falang land and teach Arab children how to speak English to put bomb together. Angrit go boom. That what happen if you not marry whore.

Khun Kelly you good man. Everyone in my village love you. Man love you, lady love you. Lady sell som tom love you, man drive motosci taxi love. You not keep Princess she come home.

Thai man keep spare change in pocket. 20 baht maybe 60 baht. Man keep big money in wallet for whiskey and young lady. Spare change for buy som tom and motosci. Princess here, man no have spare change. She take. She go short time maybe 20 times one day. After one week no man in village have spare change left. No one ride motosci no one buy som tom. Everybody sad. Thai man jump off balcony.

Mr H, the highest balcony in your village is only two feet tall.

Thai man not crazy like Falang and jump off tall balcony. Still problem. Thai man jump two feet and land on chicken and hurt chicken or maybe cat. You see alla cats with broken leg in village. That from last time Princess here.

You keep Princess we send you birthday card same last year.

I told you, she good lady when she not try and kill you.

Thank you very much Mr. Humnitnoi. I am sure all the Stickman readers are happy to know there are two sides to every issue.

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one; An' the end of it's sittin' and thinkin', An' dreamin' Hell-fires to see; So be warned by my lot (which I know you will not), An' learn about women from me! What did the Colonel's Lady think? Nobody never knew. Somebody asked the Sergeant's wife, An' she told 'em true! When you get to a man in the case, They're like as a row of pins — For the Colonel's Lady an' Judy O'Grady Are sisters under their skins!

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