Readers' Submissions

Hungry, Horny, Thirsty

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 9th, 2008
  • 10 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


YVR to BKK, a journey I loves. Soon I will be return to Thailand, maybe more soons than some of you would wish eh? Wink wink nudge nudge. At this precise momento my fine and toned ass is sitting in the special lounge Air Canada provides its First Class customers. A few minutes ago I was discussing “mens” with a woman of questionable femininity and class. I question her femininity because I will never get used to those European womens who refuse to shave their pits, legs, and upper lips. In this case her chin could use a few swipes of the blade as well. Class I question because she had the guile to try putting the moves on a 50 something gentleman seated next to me. You might love this story.

Mind you, I do not recommend nor do I enjoy putting an ear to someone else’s conversations. HOWEVER, this ‘womans’ voice was more shrill than a train whistle and LOUD so how could I not? This 50 something gentleman must have been balls to the wall desperate to listen to her for more than 20 second. I saw him looking at her milk bottle legs with lust and it almost made me heave right then and there! The more she talked, the more I noticed he did not. Soon, she was actually telling this obviously insecure man what HE wanted in a woman! The nerve of this eyesore! She had not even barely introduced herself (pushed herself on him) ten minutes ago, and now she was an expert about what HE needed in a woman! When this happens I sometimes feel my balls burning. Today I think they were flaming and I could not sit there and let this sorry excuse for a man become her victim. I became an instant missionary and set about saving his soul.

Turning to him I interrupted her by totally ignoring her, and saying to him directly: “Will you be paying a whore for sex in Bangkok? I’m not sure whose eyes popped out the most. He stuttered and said “I am going to Thailand on vacation sir.” I put on my best smile and says back to him “reeeaaaalllyyy? You are flying half ways around the world to look at temples?” Not giving him the chance to answer I says “I would guess 90% of men visiting Bangkok are going there to pay whores, would you like to know more about this?” I could see his interest, but this ‘woman’ was preparing for battle and started telling me that no real man would pay a whore.

She was telling me all about what a ‘man’ would want and how a whore could never meet a real mans needs. Putting on my most straight face I says to her “I am a premium example of the male species, and I know exactly what a man wants and needs, would you like to know?” Not waiting for her to sputter an answer I give her the answer that might surprise most men with its accuracy, even if they did not realize it before hearing me say these wise words: “ALL mens have the same needs and they are very simple. Men are always Hungry, Horny, and Thirsty. A woman who meets a mans needs will feed him, fuck him, and bring him all the drinks he wants, maybe not in that order.”

HAHAHAHAHA, she is angry now, but more interesting is that this man is listening and taking notes. Why should men lie about their needs when it comes to women. Mens needs are simple. We get hungry and like good food, quick like. We get horny and want to have wild and fun sex, licketly split! Then we are thirsty and we want to drink whatever we wish to drink, NOW. Simple eh? You womens readers out there, please take notes. My advises will help you please the man of your dreams. A man like me and Aha. Now this woman of questionable femininity is very upset and wants to argue with me. HAHAHAHAHAHA ok.

She shrieks “A man needs a woman he can trust, a woman he can confide in, and a life partner he can talk to!” Women I says, men should not trust any female period, a man should never confide anything in a woman he does not want to see on the six o’clock news, and the let me give you some greats advise: The LESS a woman talks, the better! I go on: In fact, the single most important piece of advise I can give any woman if she really wants to please a man is to just shut the fuck up. Anything a man needs to know he can see on television, so shut your trap so he can hear the tube. She has had enough and leaves.

The man turns to me and says “do you really believe what you told her?” So I ask him “now that you’ve had a chance to think about it, do you?” He nods his head yes very quickly and then I think the enormity of this revelation took over and he was overwhelmed into silence.

Mens, let me ask you, if you could buy a robot who looked human, like a 25 year old hot and toned beauty, so life like that no one else would know, who could fuck you with great skill just like the real thing, who could cook you great meals, bring you drinks, take care of your home, and came with a on/off button.. would not this be exactly what you really want? Be honest now and let us think about this deeply.

You come home from a hard day at the office and see your woman bending over the oven making you dinner and her ass wiggles just right and what do you REALLY want to do? Yepper, you want to pull her skirt up, do her quick, pull her skirt down, and go sit in your lazyboy while she gets you a beer. But does your woman let you do that? Maybe yes IF she wants to marry you and is auditioning for the part, but especially if married then NO. If you are lucky she will tell you something like this: “Not now, we do not have time before dinner is ready, and I have so much to do after dinner, but I think we can make an appointment right before we go to sleep from 11-1130 ok?” This is if you are lucky and get any sex at all!

What are you really thinking when this happens to you? I will tell you.

1. It will only take a minute. (if we did it now) HHAAHAHA so true eh?

2. I will be tired at 11pm after drinking too much beer.

3. Now you are dressed, have on makeup, and look ok. At 11 you will have no makeup, be in your ugly bed clothes, and not attractive at all!

So, you get turned down, get your own beer, probably get asked to do some chores, and chances are she finds a reason to be fast asleep before 11pm. This is how I understand married life from many mens! And to rub salt in the would, when you finally do get to eat, you have to listen to her run her trap and complain about her day the entire time!

What if she was a robot like I described above? You would see that fine ass bending over the oven, you would just walk over to her, lift her skirt (she would not be wearing panty’s if you set up her preferences that way), and do her right there! 30 seconds later you would zip up, she would straighten up, and say “I will bring you a cold beer, please go relax and watch television while I prepare your dinner.” You would smile, go sit, drink beer, and think how lucky a man you are. Later she would serve you dinner, you would eat, maybe she would give you a blow job under the table while you ate if you wanted one, and all without saying a word and interrupting your important thoughts. When finished eating you could go out with the guys, watch a game on television, or do whatever you want without being interrupted. When 11pm came around your 25 year old hot and toned beauty of a robot would be waiting in your bed with fresh makeup, a sexy night cloth, and a perfect memory of everything you like about sex! Life would be good eh?

Will any real mans tell me this would not be perfect? I suspect some of you have been conditioned. Some of you will tell me you LIKE hearing about her day, about all the gossip. You will tell me you like “CHOREPLAY.” Choreplay? What is dat? Some homo Ph.d at some homo university (hehehe, lets face it, all Ph.d’s at all universities who call themselves “professors” are homo’s) recently reported a study that women “get turned on” and are “more likely to have sex” if their “man” (????????????) helps with the chores, does dishes after dinner, or maybe takes care of the kids after dinner. After all, she has been home all day working so hard, and could use the break. You on the other hand have been having fun at the office. Just ask her.

BOLD STATEMENT TIME: Men only talk to their wifes, go shopping with their wifes, do chores, put down the toilet seat, have dinners with HER friends, have kids, and do all the things married men do.. BECAUSE it is the only way they know to get a woman to feed him, fuck him, and water him. Men are ALWAYS hungry, horny, and thirsty. Single men who have this part figured out, women auditioning for the part of “Ms. You” will not require you to do all these things to get fed, fucked and watered. But once you are stupid enough to marry them, then it is like they joined the teamsters union because now they have CONDITIONS!!! Single men with game know women are like peaches. There is a good time to pick them, a good time to eat them, but when they get rotten (start talking about marriage) then it is time to drop them and pick another.

I will let you guys in on a secret. THE ROBOTS ARE REAL!!! Me and Aha were asked, probably because we are real mens, to “test drive” the prototypes and provide feedback. This was fun, even if Aha keep wearing them out so quickly. I give him credit for this though, he should get a medal for forcing the engineers to perfect the perfect pussy! 100,000 strokes between tune-ups I am told! Chances are you have seen the robots. Maybe you even short timed one?

I am not jerking you willy! The robots are out there and you can find several mixed in with the real bargirls in most every bar and some are good girls too. Go back through the readers submissions and count how many tranny’s (factory defects, the illegal factory workers sometimes added extra parts) Dana told us were perfect? How many women Korski said really liked him? How many women liked “posing” for BKKSW. How ANY woman could suffer through yet another “delightful” trip with Hans. Can not you see the obviously? These were not REAL women, these were ROBOTS!

Every major product has beta testers, what better place to test robot womens than Thailand? No real fear anyone would notice the difference eh? If they tried this in Canada or France, and women were actually enjoyable and helpful, the six o’clock news would be telling us about the Stepford Wives.

Let me summerize for the women out there who want to be successful with mens: Men are ALWAYS hungry, horny, and thirsty. SHUT UP. Let your man have sex when he wants. SHUT UP. And finally: Men are always hungry, horny, and thirsty. I must say toodle pip, boarding call. See you in Bangkok soon.

Stickman's thoughts:

Published because the readership berate me when I try to kill off these two. Don't say I am not democratic…