Stickman Readers' Submissions June 21st, 2008

Snake In the Pants!

Hello again eh! I promised to tell you the story about Aha Wendigo and myself at the women’s party so I will recount our exciting time, and then I think I owe you guys an explanation. The women’s party was going on in Spasso’s. Are
you guys familiar with Spasso’s? I hear it used to be a nice high end bar, but now there are two main types of female customers.

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You have your high-end hookers, and here I am talking 20,000-30,000 and up. These “ladies” all have real jobs or marriages, many are actresses or news anchors (by virtue of their looks alone), and share one or more of the following traits.
Great looking (top scale), primo conversationalist (usually very well educated/experienced), specializes in some sort of kink (water works, SDBM, role playing) above and beyond the Eden girls. Do not get me wrong, the Eden girls will do anything
agreed, but they lack the looks, sophistication, and social skills of these hookers.

Then, you have your female Johns. Yepper, your large flappy ears heard me right, female Johns willing to pay BIG for top quality guys. These women are almost always married to rich guys, spoiled and bored, and feel they have the right to participate in
the same sort of whoring around their husbands enjoy. I found out about this by accident. I was thirsty that night and since I was already in the building I went inside and ordered a Moosehead stubbie. Now, WE (citizens of a thinking country)
know Moosehead is the largest 100% Canadian brewery, and brews some excellent lagers.

Anyway, a fine Nipponese fast and furious number exclaimed “how much do you charge for more head?” I said “what eh?” So this leggy married lady (ring on finger) says “howa much for Samoa Head?” Now I gets it eh?
Hahaha.. Aha Wendigo certainly gets around! I didn’t want to break her scoochi sideways heart by explaining to her I was asking for a Moosehead stubbie and not offering Samoa Head like some deadbeat gigolo who needed to imitate one of the
greats to get a gig.

I am curious, so I say “why are you so excited about oral sex anyway, have not you been satisfied by a real man?” I realized my error as soon as the words exited my mouth, she was asking for Samoa which means she has been the unwitting recipient
of Aha’s toolage, and the women’s party is where I found out where Aha Wendigo earned his first name! This is an understandable boner since we all know Japanese men are lucky to sport a full 7-8 centimeters so of course they (their
women) had never experienced anything but a tongue lashing.

She goes on to tell me that ever since the first touch of Aha Wendigo’s impressive appendage she hasn’t bothered to allow entry to her Japanese husband claiming “I cannot feel it anyway!” At first she did not know where to
get her sexual fix but then one of her friends told her about Spasso’s being the place to buy a man and she has been sampling different men a few times a week! She had been looking for a stunner for weeks she said, and when she saw me she
was hoping I would be hung as well as I look and while she didn’t know it, she was not wrong (hahahahaha).. That’s how I know about Spasso’s!!!

So, me and Aha Wendigo are interested as you can good imagine! This very night we show up dressed as beach cabana boys with a few days off from the Sheraton Resort in Pattaya. Wearing beach pants, flip flops, and yellow silk shirts with nothing else.
I wanted to wear my garments (sorry, that was an old Mormon word for underwear) instead of swaying from side to side under the thin cotton but Aha Wendigo reminded me that women go braless and probably without panties so why not us? “OK”
I say, but let us practice walking so it doesn’t sway so far to one side we would lose our balance and fall down. (hahaha) We are some funny guys for sure!

Over in the corner about ten of these Asian birds are whooping and hollering and having a good time and Aha Wendigo and me just stop and stare because all ten are wearing short skirts, and most if not all of them are going Commando as well! One of the
lovelies raises her mug for a toast and her skirt raises along with it revealing a fine set of Asian applies if you know what I mean! Did I tell you Aha Wendigo and myself were wearing ONLY thin beach pants? We looked at each other with an “ah
crap” look on our faces and quickly grabbed a table and watched from behind cover.

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Now I AM Canadian and being Canadian I have not a single thing to be ashamed of, especially compared to other nationalities like the wussie Brits and convict Aussies and our pathetic southern neighbors with a chimp for President. HOWEVER COMMA we have
class and will not wag our willie’s in public venues without a damn good reason such as a public dare or a woman in need. Aha Wendigo I am about to learn has no such ethics! Have I mentioned that Samoans are bigs people? We are not just
talking just their height and great width of their shoulders. I myself am a freak of nature for my race and I will admit not every Canadian sports a hearty 20 centimeters, BUT Aha Wendigo is like ten freaks in one! I have seen bull elephants who
would be embarrassed to be stand next to Aha Wendigo. And Aha Wendigo has no ethics!

He stands up taking out the table with one might wag of his now encouraged willie and one of the barmaids immediately bends down to pick up the glasses, but on the way up she knocks her head on it with a loud THUNK and now goes down for the count! Aha
Wendigo didn’t even notice, he is all ready swinging his way to the front and center of this gaggle of women commandos. Right, yer right… yer right yer left.. is being called out in unison as this super freak of nature, in his thin
Cabana Boy Beach Pants, swings his way through the crowd knocking out one Thai guy with a THUNK to his head, wipes off the entire top of a table with a single swing, and turning sideways to fit between some folks they cry out in horror and jump
up like they are clearing a jump rope! Straightening himself he continues forward and with a ripping sound and a crash of cymbals suddenly stops. His willie has taken up residence in the bands snare drum, out the top, and is resting right under
the cymbals and Aha Wendigo does not ever notice!

Aha is looking right at these Asian commandos and I am expecting shrieks, but instead their eyes glaze over and their mouths all lock in the same position (open) and its as if they are in a trance. We now have Asian commando zombies shuffling forward
pushing one foot in front of the other, and forming a semi-circle around poor Aha Wendigo who seems to be missing in action despite being on active duty! One commando gently lifts off the snare drum making sure the cymbal does not bounce off our
encouraged friends toolage, and two of them bend down to their knees and putting their shoulders in to it with much effort, begin to lift his massive member away from the stage area and along side his left leg. I didn’t notice at the time,
but once the snare drum was removed and that part of him started to leave the stage, I noticed a spot light following his willie’s progress!

Now back “neatly” the commando’s can not help themselves. These are brave soldiers, strong soldiers. Approaching Aha Wendigo you can hear them whispering about the King Cobra who has climbed into Aha Wendigo’s Cabana Boy Beach
Pants and taken over his soul. These female commando’s are ready to save his soul. Armed with sharp machete’s they come closer and draw straws. The commando with the shortest straw turns ashen grey as the others shove her forward
and hand her a pair of latex surgical gloves. She puts on the gloves, closes her eyes, and grabs the waste band of Aha’s Cabana Boy Beach Pants and pulls them out and holds them there not looking. Aha Wendigo is still staring at the commandos
but hasn’t blinked since the snare drum was removed, for all intensive purposes Aha Wendigo is in a trance, and certainly so are the commando’s!

With one commando holding the waistband open the other nine commando’s approach with machete’s at the ready. All I can say is I was glad it wasn’t me, nine machete’s and one wild willie was not a safe mix. All bending down
at once they clear the waistband and the entire bar is now watching, you could have heard a pin drop. As their eyes clear the wasteband and take in the wonder before them we see their eyes grow big and their mouths open even wider than before,
their heads tilt back, breasts jutting dangerously skywards, and then the sound. A terrible wail of a commando war cry if I ever heard one. It went like this.. AAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAA “it’s a giant willie, not a giant snake!!!”

Have you ever heard ten commando’s issue a sigh of relief in unison? You would think some one let the air out of all the breasts in the Katoey bar at the same time. They must have felt the need to apologize because soon they had wet towels and
were mopping off Aha Wendigo’s massive face as they guided him over to the private booth they reserved for their women’s party. It’s a horseshoe shaped booth and five of them rip out the table and sit Aha Wendigo right in
the apex while the other five drop to their knees and worship what they thought minutes before was a snake god. Aha Wendigo is certainly enjoying hisself! A new name and ten commando’s all in the same day!

His massive head is leaned back over the seat back, his huge feet sticking out from the sides, five commandos on their knees paying homage, and five more climbing up on the seat next to him and taking turns riding the bull. Did I tell you Samoans are
bigs people?

I was starting to feel left out. I need not have worried for soon Aha Wendigo remembered me and was generous enough to send two of his commando’s over to rescue me. I cannot remember ever actually running dry before, but there I was hours and maybe
14 times later coming up completely dry! Some days I think this was all a big dream, or just my reaction to the eight wander of the world. I do not know, but I do know I know believe in Aliens and I’m on my way to check out the church of
Scientology because its possible Aha Wendigo is the mothership..

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