Readers' Submissions

Crazy Girls And Crazy Times



Hi my name is Tommy and I am 37 years old and I come from England. I have been to Thailand six times from 2003 to 2008 , on two of those occasions I resided in Thailand for two months traveling to different places. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had and bar stories heard.

BANGKOK

MIDNIGHT BAR

The first time I explored Bangkok was in 2004 before I was always going to Pattaya which I will talk about later. At the time I was staying at the Landmark Hotel and on the first night my friend and I jumped in a taxi to check out the Patpong nightlife. I remember the taxi guy telling me the actor Steven Segal stays at the Landmark and likes Soi Cowboy when he is in town. After going in a good few gogos we decided to go for a quiet drink when this Thai guy comes out of nowhere on the street telling my friend he knows a great place to go for a drink.

I knew this was gonna turn out bad but my friend was already following him so I followed to. After a walk and a turn onto another street we come to this bar which if my memory serves me right was called the midnight bar. We went in and got shown to our seats then this old Thai guy claps his hands and all these lovely girls line up with numbers on their dresses. He wanted us to choose a girl each, now at this point we did not want a girl just a quiet drink.

But this guy insisted we pick a girl and would not take no for a answer, so we did and ordered

cokes having drank a lot beforehand. When the bill came it was a thousand baht for four cokes, when I started to complain I noticed three Thai guys going to the exit and staying there and glaring at my friend and I. We paid and went chalking it up to experience, the cheeky bastard even tried to get us to pay the barfine for the girls. No fucking way buddy, in my mind I was thinking “welcome to Bangkok you have just been stung”.

NANA DISCO

In 2007 I was staying at the Woraburi Hotel not far from Nana I have stayed here before but on this occasion I had to wear some clothes to bed as the bed had bugs in it. Went down to the dining area wearing my best red and white cool shirt. Got my complimentary fruit juice and ordered some food, and checked out the sexy waitress. The music was playing and the place was lit up nice, just as I remembered from one of my previous trips. I lit up a menthol cigarette and chilled. The taxi guy by the front came over and gave me his card giving me the usual bollocks of booking trips, massage parlors etc. I took his card and gave him the nod that if I wanted any trips he was the guy to go to bollocks.

Anyway the sexy waitress came over to ask if I enjoyed the meal, so I gave her one of my Tommy Baltar handsome man smiles. When she went away the taxi guy who had been watching said that was his sister. Then after a while I saw him do some Thai shadow boxing. I made a mental note, no more sexy smiles for that waitress.

After I went to the Nana disco which had been improved a bit since last time I came here. It was 400 hundred baht to get in and I got my free drink. I sat down at the bar and lit up a menthol cigarette, across from me to the left were these sexy girls wearing horny devil horns on their heads. I flashed them a smile and mimed “ I love you” in Thai for a laugh and one of them comes straight over and starts hugging me. Then I proceeded with the “why are you so beautiful” and “how was heaven when you left it”. And she was all over me like a rash, you could not fail to pull in this place even Forest Gump could get a girl for the night here.

Anyway on to the main story. Later on I got talking to this girl called Oui (not her real name) she was very sexy and sensual and had a smile which just lit up the room. she was like the Thai version of that Latin singer Shakira. We chatted for a good while then she moved in closer to me touching, I could feel her sexiness. You know you are on to a good thing when you get a hard on just in her presence. She did also ever so subtlety touch my tallywacker and the old boy got the message.

Then she was telling me her friend was worried for her sister and she pointed them out to me. We were both standing at the bar area near the front and these two Indian guys were sitting down not far from me with these to Thai lady's. One was about forty and the other was in her early thirty's. I asked her what the problem was and she tells me these two Indian fuckers wanted a ten man gang bang on one lady. These fuckers were sitting down trying to negotiate a ten man orgy with one lady.

Oui said “girls have been known to get really hurt from these orgy's and the Indian guys are known to like hurting the bargirls they pick up”. Common sense prevailed and her friends Sister turned them down. But what a pair of bastards, 10 men fucking one girl. The sad thing is there will always be someone desperate enough to do it. Imagine her walking into a room full of ten blokes who will shag her into a inch of her life. I pray those guys get what's coming to them.

THERMAE COFFEE SHOP

I remember the first time I walked into the Thermae and sat at that round bar area in the center of the place. I ordered a drink and lit up a menthol cigarette, now on the surface it looked like a normal bar with people drinking and talking. There were quite a few Japanese blokes there. The ratio of girls was amazing, the place was 80% full of sexy girls. Now here's where it gets interesting. Everywhere I looked girls are checking me out or trying to catch my eye or giving me sexy smile's. And I do not mean one or two girls it was every where I looked it was the Tom Cruise factor, felt like a celebrity.

I had girls coming over to sit next to me ( I think they could smell the money in my wallet) to chat me up. There were even girls hovering behind me waiting to move in to speak to me. Could not help having a big grin all over my face and thinking this is PARADISE I have died and gone to heaven. There were some real sexy beauty's and I was on my fourth tiger beer.

Funny thing was the plan was to have a few drinks here and move on to Soi Cowboy and check out the action down there. But sod that why pay barfines when I can sit back and know how Brad Pitt feels when he goes out. Anyway I got chatting to these Thai babes and they wanted me to buy them a drink. So I told them that they had to work for those drinks by giving me a sexy massage. So in the bar I'm having a laugh with these sexy girls and they are playing with my tallywacker, giving me a massage. Then I bought them a drink and when they wanted another I got some more action. A good laugh.

The Thermae the first few times I went there was such a boost for the ego. There was this one girl who looked absolutely miserable and desperate. She would come over and stare at you with puppy dog eyes. I did not see her smile once at one point I thought she was gonna cry. She tried this on other farangs, she looked very sad. Could not help wonder what her deal was because she looked really desperate.

As I had a rapport going on with these sexy girls I arranged with Noi to go short time for a 1000 baht. Now she was pretty and sexy but not a stunner and there were a few head turners there and I was a bit overwhelmed. And as I am traveling alone in Bangkok on this trip you do not know if some girls are gonna be trouble. And as I had time to establish a rapport I decided to go with Noi. To end the night I had some food on the sidewalk, thing about Thai food is a lot of it is what you expect Tarzan in the jungle to be eating or a prisoner of war in Vietnam to be munching. I guess its not all bad just takes a while to get used to. Took Noi back and had a great time.

The next evening I enjoyed myself so much I decided to go back to the Thermae again, and as the night before there were so many girls giving you the eye. Had that big grin all over my face, I just could not help myself. This time I was more aware of the fact that all of the farang had drinks and the girls with them but the girls by themselves did not. And there were a lot of them so I'm thinking I am gonna end up buying some sexy babe a drink.

Now with all the girls everywhere I looked checking me out I felt like a piece of meat ready for the slaughter. I even had a member of staff come up to me and say “that lady wants to go with you sir” and he pointed to this old mamasan looking women. Remembering the drunken shame and disaster one time in Pattaya I quickly turned away.

I saw that miserable young girl get to go with this old man and within forty minutes she is back and getting chatted up by this young guy. Poor bastard he does not know she has already had cock. Then I saw this real sexy stunner with pale skin and long black hair down to her waist and she had a great figure. But she had shark eyes and was like a predator in the jungle on the hunt for fresh meat. She came over in my vicinity and stared me in the eyes, I still had that big grin all over my face. Then I felt fear in my gut like a electric shock, she looked like she could eat me for breakfast. Found her to be intimidating and I started to get all shy when she hovered in my direction. And if I went to check her out she with a sixth sense would turn around and eyeball me. This babe is out of my league for some reason I lost all my confidence.

BEER GARDEN SEVEN

Next day about 1.30pm I went to the beer garden seven now here's a interesting place. Went in and like the Thermae there are loads of girls and farang with the farang drinking and the girls hoping one of them would buy them a drink. I sat down and ordered a drink checking the football they had on the TV screens. Again felt like fresh meat for the grinder. All the girls were checking me out trying to catch my eye then this young girl comes over and says “do you remember me”. I looked her up and down and said “no sorry”, then she says ”you must we spent one year together”. I looked at her in the eye and said “ spending a year with someone you do not tend to forgot them” and she walks off all dejected.

Then all these sexy girls came over and I got the usual what's your name, where you from and the classic I want to go shower with you. God I'm gonna miss this attention when I go back to England. At this point I decided to pull out my Thai-English bar guide which is a fun book with a lot of chat up lines in Thai that you can practice with the sexy girls. And I was having a great time saying these corny chat up lines with these babes.

There was this one girl who was sitting on my left but she spoke a little English and I did not get far with her conversation wise but had fun trying. One funny thing I noticed again is the girls are like hawks. When you are secretly checking them out they always know what you are doing and zone straight in at you. Have been caught out a few times but again I could not stop the big grin appearing over my face.

It's so much fun playing Tom Cruise with every girl praying you will give them your attention. Catching the eyes across a room of some Thai beauty then flashing them a handsome man smile is always returned with a promise. Anyway I gave one of these girls a smile and she came over and introduced herself. She was pretty and sexy then I got the Thai phrase for “you are so sexy” from my bagwan book. She smiles and says the immortal words “ I want to go shower with you, handsome man”. At this point I am laughing my socks off or would be if I was wearing any. Could not help it.

Then the girls mate called Nam if I remember rightly joins her by me and she has a really beautiful face and pale white skin. She looked more Chinese than she did Thai and she reminded me of a young Lucy Liu, you know that American Chinese actress that was in the film version of Charlie's angels. she was very beautiful and I was quite taken, so I started to chat to her. Her mate who I was talking to before went saying she could tell I liked Nam better. So I bought her a drink and arranged to give her 1500 baht for a roll in the hay back at my hotel. Gave her a extra tip as she was so lovely and charming.

AMBASSADOR HOTEL SPICE CLUB DISCO

On a recent two month trip early this year I was staying at the landmark again where after getting something to eat at the Huntsman Pub and listening to the Filipino girls singing I went and checked out the Nana. Ended up bar fining this babe called Joy and she did give me Joy, she wanted to go to a nightclub. She talked about the spice club at the Ambassador Hotel been so much better than the Nana disco, and boy she was right on that score.

Now this place was fantastic, so much better than the angels disco at the Nana hotel and cheaper to get into as well. As we were going in after the taxi ride Joy was telling me she would glare down any girl who comes anywhere near me.

Inside it was very big with lots of stools and tables, they also had a large stage and a band playing. Went in and there were sexy girls everywhere . This is when Joy grabbed my arm to let every other girl know I was with her. There were two beautiful young girls on stage and one of them was extra stunning. She was wearing a large tea shirt and you could see her knickers through it. Could not keep my eyes off her and made sure I got a table near the front and I sat down with my back to the wall so I had a great view of the whole floor and stage.

This place was kicking and I had sexy young girls checking me out and coming near me to dance. At one point I was surrounded by pussy. Joy was holding me and dancing right by me letting every other girl know I was taken. Damn!

There were Thai girls who after the band had finished got on stage, there were about ten of them. They started to dance and they were hot as a volcano and sexy as hell, I felt like exploding my load there and then. I got pissed on Tiger Beer and Jack Daniels and started to dance with Joy and for Joy. This place was a Paradise for picking up sexy hot girls but you have to go pretty late as the action does not heat up until after midnight. Joy met one of her friends and she stated to dance near me to. Had a real blast here, the only downside was the music was so loud that when you left at the end of the night you were left partially deaf.

In the land of smiles where naked women roam wild and free , every man with money is a King.

KOH SAMUI

MEDICAL CARE

In 2004 on a two month trip in Thailand my friend and I took a Bangkok Airways flight to Koh Samui, I hate those small planes. One to Go Airlines are cheaper I mean about 1500 baht cheaper and are new and you get a good service for your money. The small crappy plane you get to fly on provided by Bangkok Airways is something you would expect Indiana Jones to fly. Surprised they don't have parachutes under the seats.

We were staying at the Chaweng Cabana Resort on Chaweng Road which was a lovely place right by the sea with palm trees with bananas hanging down and a lovely walk through the tropical gardens to the glorious beach and sea. At the time the only other beach in Thailand I saw was Pattaya beach and there is no comparison. Chaweng beach wins hands down.

Now my friend and I had rooms in the main complex with glass sliding doors and after that we had eight days in a bungalow which was great. When I got to the room with the glass sliding doors my mind was going in eight different directions. I was unpacking and thinking what to wear and where should we go first. I popped next door to my friends room and grabbed this book back and went into my room sliding the doors shut.

Then after unpacking I glanced outside and decided to chill out on the table and chair on the outside area. Then I walked straight through the glass door, you could hear the glass breaking. I put my hands up in a natural defensive position and could feel the glass cut deep into my hand. There was blood spurting everywhere and my friend and a few others came running towards me to find out what the noise was. The reception girl grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my hand then I took a taxi to the hospital.

Straight away I was placed in a wheelchair and someone took me to the emergency room. Then I saw all the sexy nurses and I had to lie down waiting for the doctor, I surprised I did not start having heart problems after checking out how sexy some of those nurses were. After they got the glass out and stitched me up they wanted to keep me in for observation so the wound does not get infected.

Now this is where I started to get a good impression of the health care on Koh Samui. I was wheeled into a private room with my own TV and fridge where I was put on a drip. Then I had three sexy nurses in those whiter than white uniforms fussing with the pillows and adjusting the height of the bed. I mean I only had my hand cut open and even though it was deep the treatment and fuss I got you would think I was their for a serious operation. The insurance guy came along to deal with the paperwork and I was happy as Larry. The one thing that I will always remember was waking up about 2.00am and this super sexy Thai lady coming into the room and checking the drip. with the uniform on she was a vision from heaven and has got to be the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I still have dreams about her now, Never saw her again but God she was a vision to behold.

In the morning I went outside the room to the table and chair facing the swimming pool, that's right you read correct there was a swimming pool outside. And this was a hospital.

Had my hand wrapped in bandages and had to go back every day for them to check it and dress it. The nurses were friendly and flirtatious one of them put a big love hart plaster over my hand. I also remember talking to this English girl who was in a motorbike accident and had hurt her leg. I bet that's a common accident crashing your motorbike.

The scary thing was when I saw the damage to the sliding door there was a big jagged piece of glass with blood on and if I had not put my hand up it would have gone in my neck.

GIRLS: THE GOOD, THE DUMB, THE BAD AND CRAZY

Along Chaweng road there is a hostess kind of place called the pink lady bar. On entering you sit down in comfortable sofa and there are lovely girls who will take care of you. The drinks for yourself and the girl are expensive as well as the short time action upstairs and if you are thinking in bar fining a girl you are hit by Thai standards in the wallet compared to other places in Thailand. In 2004 it was 3000 baht and that was for a quickie upstairs and more to take her away.

I did like this one girl who was called Nuit (not her real name) who I saw a good few times and she was intelligent and took care of me well. We swapped email and house addresses and when I got back to England I got a lovely letter from her. Inside was a pink perfumed letter saying how much she misses me and she thinks she is in love with me. And a lovely photograph of herself wearing a short red leather skirt and top.

Now I knew the score with this girl due to the establishment she works for but I appreciated her effort. Now you will be surprised by how many Thai girls use “123456” as a password for their email account. I could not help myself and I tried to hack her email account with this password. And bingo I was in, there were a lot of emails to different guys bless her. And a lot of them were thanking her for the photo and letter. Some of them were guys from Hawaii and England and Australia. She had quite a cottage industry going on, a lot of the guys knew the score and just replied by saying see you when I am back in Koh Samui. There was one guy I cant remember where he was from but wanted her to come over to his country and meet his family. And another saying he loved her and wanted to get a visa so she could go over and see him. After I got back to England for a good few months I would go in to her email account and have a good read. Could not resist the temptation, she was good at what she did and made you feel good to.

I remember this one girl I barfined from this bar at the start of the green mango disco bar area and she did not speak one word of English but she was pretty and good between the sheets. Communication was mimed as I did not understand a word she said so she kept herself dumb a lot of the time (wish a lot of women would do this). Saw her a few times, I remember trying to get her by miming to take me to the best restaurant in town. Ended up at a cheap Thai dive of place that I guess you could call a cafe.

Now after seeing her twice I wanted to check the only gogo in the area out at the time which was located before her bar in the Chaweng green mango disco area. So I had a plan to get off the taxi at the beginning of the road and using my friend as cover and others walking up to slip into the gogo without her seeing me. I followed that plan to the letter and there were only moments of visibility from her bar area and I'm sure she would not have hawk vision and see me. Yes I am in the gogo I have found myself a seat with my mate and drinks have been ordered and I sat back to check out the sexy action on the stage.

Then I see her coming up towards me and she sits next to me and grabs my hand and gives me a lovely smile. Could not believe it how did she see me I made a stealthy effort to slip into that gogo. My moment of visibility to her bar was just that moments. Then she turns around and in English says “you pay bar”, I just sat there gob smacked. But like a English gentleman I did the decent thing and barfined her I did not have the heart to tell her to get lost.

One night looking for a new place to go as we had checked out the green mango bar area someone recommended the Reggae pub. So my friend and I got a taxi and went to the area, there is a long road with bars full of sexy babes and the Reggae pub is at the end. We started off having a game of pool in one bar then checking out the girls and flirting with them.

Now this was a special night for me because it was the first night I could drink alcohol due to the pills I had to take to stop my hand getting infected. I still had a big love hart plaster over the wound, put on by this sexy nurse who I liked flirting with every time I went to get the wound dressed. I was looking forward to having a good few jack Daniels and cokes and having Tiger Beers.

Went into the Reggae pub which had a big dance floor with the stage at the front and the bars were at the side, they also had a upstairs which had pool tables. Went to the bar and ordered a few drinks which tasted so good after abstaining from alcohol. I looked at the girls on the dance floor and it was looking good, so many Thai girls and not many farang. So I hit the floor and was surrounded by Thai pussy, this is great I thought. I stated to do my salsa routine and this one lady with a smile on her face comes over towards me dancing. Then for no reason she grabs my hand with the love hart plaster on, she pauses then with her thumb she presses down hard on the wound while maintaining her smile. I yelled out in pain then I pushed her away and she disappears into the crowd. Why, we live in a world of cause and effect I had done nothing to her and for no reason she goes out of her away to hurt me.

After this incident I found my friend who had a big silly grin on his face and told him of the incident. We went to the bar on other side of the dance floor and my friend ordered the drinks. Then we went and sat down at the front to the side near the stage where the seating area was. I lit up a menthol cigarette and looked out the open window and there was a nice view of the river and full moon. And there was a beautiful Thai girl with her hair bleached blond singing her heart out on stage. Spent some moments drinking my beer and smoking my cigarette imagining her in bed naked with me, singing one of her songs.

My friend broke my reverie to say he is heading back onto the dance floor where the action is. looking around I saw this Thai girl with wavy hair and a sparkle in her eye standing close to one of her friends. I flashed her one of my handsome man smiles and she comes over and I motion for her to sit down in the seat my friend vacated. I introduced myself and she did likewise I cannot remember what her name was. I started giving her a few lines in Thai like “your eyes are so beautiful” and “I will dream about you every night”. She replied with the ever so typical “Bagwan” which means “sweet mouth” in English. Then she keeps saying it over and over again. Even when I changed the subject to ask her where she comes from in Thailand.

I had to say look the joke is over I understand what you are saying and she keeps repeating the word Bagwan over and over again. It got to the point where it was a freaky and surreal experience. No matter what I said she kept saying it, I thought to myself this girl is NUTS. Gotta be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the thing was she was smiling and kept saying it. I got up and went to the bar and got myself another beer and she gets up and follows me smiling and giggling. So I moved to the other side of the dance floor and she follows me again. Now I'm thinking how am I gonna get rid of her every where I go she sticks to me like glue.

I spotted this young Thai guy who drove a taxi and took my friend and I to the shooting range a few days earlier where I watched my friend shoot a shotgun at these melons and seeing them explode. He was in the middle of the dance floor so I hit the floor and introduced myself

and he remembered me. The crazy “Bagwan” girl followed me, I started to explain my predicament to him and he looked passed me to her. He goes over and shouts a few lines in Thai and she's gone, and he comes back to say he told her “he is not interested in you, fuck off”. I thanked him and found my friend surrounded by sexy girls he waves me over so I could help to ease his burden.

Near the end of the night I am talking to this intelligent pretty girl and my friend was with his babe. We decided to take these girls back to our respective bungalows so we could “get it on”. Back in the room I quickly realized talking to her in pigeon English and given her the usual lines was not gonna cut it as she was smart. So I proceed to talk to her normally, she kept asking if I was a butterfly pointing to my love hart plaster. Then she proceeds to tell me I should stick with one girl, I already told her I was here for two months. Had a great night with her then she asks me to take her with me on the next leg of my trip. Which I did not want to and I told her so. well after about ten minutes she goes down town and proceeds to give me a good BJ, then I am in pain. I shouted out Ahhhhhhh, she has bitten the tip of my penis. Can't believe it I have never had any girl do that to me before of course she says sorry it was a accident. Do not know whether to believe her or not, was it a simple accident or did she not want me fucking other girls and me been out of action so she could come along with me on my travels. Who knows what goes on in the head of a Thai girl, my tallywacker was quite sore for a good few days after. Glad I was on a two month trip.

PHUKET

The worst girl I had the most unpleasant experience with I covered in a submission back on the 24/03/05 titled “The Queen Of Lies And Deception” so I am not going to cover old ground.

CHRISTIANS MASSAGE PARLOUR

Earlier this year I visited Phuket staying at the Summer breeze Hotel right in the heart of the action not far from Bangla road. I had a big suitcase and the middle aged woman hoisted it onto her shoulders and ran up three flight of stairs. I thought I was fit but I was tired just walking up them. The hotel was good everything in the room was made out of bamboo and the price was cheap and you had everything you could need. I remember passing this huge guy covered head to toe with tattoos on the stairway, he reminded me of a character on that New Zealand film “Once We Were Warriors”. And I started to feel pity for any girl he manages to barfine.

Anyway I decided to give Christians Massage parlor the benefit of the doubt since the last few visits to that place have been poor. Especially compared to Sabai Dee Massage Parlor in Pattaya which is excellent, have always had a great service there. So I grab a tuk tuk and told the driver exactly where I wanted to go, and it was not far from where I was.

So I enter the establishment and go up the stairs and sat down on the sofa opposite the girls behind the screen. Then this guy comes over and explains the prices which ranged from 1800 baht to 2800 baht but he wanted me to pay a extra 500 baht for the taxi driver. So I said “hold on a minute, the driver did not promote your establishment I instructed him to come here”. It made no difference he wanted the extra money for the taxi driver, so I said “ why should I give the taxi driver a extra 500 to take me to a place I instructed him to go.”

So as I was not getting anywhere with common sense I decided to make a stand and leave and come back the next day.

So the next day I walk to the pussy Parlor I go in and order a orange juice and checked out the girls behind the window. Not much of a selection so I choose this one girl with pale skin and a sexy body called “On”. She was pretty until she smiled showing some crooked teeth. Went into the massage room got undressed and into the tub. At this point I realized after trying to speak to her that she is barking mad, totally ding dong. She was like a monkey or a chimp to be precise, she kept making these grunting noises every time she spoke. It was the sound just like a monkey would make she was also thick as two short planks,

The massage was done like someone who wanted to get it over and done with, you know really rushed. Did the usual routine but boy was she nuts every time I tried to communicate I got animal grunts and noises with a few words of English thrown in as a response. At the end I gave her a 100 baht tip which she did not deserve then she asks me for 500 baht. Get out of town I thought, I just left. I am not to impressed with Christians Massage Parlour.

TIGER DISCO

Went out about 11.15pm and went to the Tiger Disco, I grabbed a seat ordered a drink and lit up one of my menthol cigarettes. At this point it was quite empty but I could see it was filling up. I was drinking my Tiger beer and watching the football on the television screens that they had high above.

Then the Thai girls started to come in and before you know it I was surrounded by sexy beauty's, they were to my left, behind me, in front of me. Could not stop the big smile appearing on my face. They started to smile at me, checking me out.

They had these big chrome poles for girls to dance around, this one Thai girl was dancing a real dirty ho dance like you see in the gogos. Before I could recover from the assault on my senses by all the Thai pussy, two girls just came right over to my table and sat down. Then they started to talk to me and one of the girls introduced herself as Lek. This girl was from Isaan and had raven hair and white skin and looked beautiful.

After a while soaking up my handsome man status with these girls I asked Lek if she wants to go with me, her answer was yes. As easy as that, Mr. Bean could not fail to get a girl from this crazy place. I took her outside, then something weird happened. This sexy beauty suddenly aged ten years and her skin turned darker and she was not as beautiful in the normal light. This has happened before to me at the Tiger Disco, women there seemed to be better than they are until you bring them outside.

Its gotta be magic or the lighting or that white paint they put on their faces that makes them look younger at night. That's twice I have had sexy girls age and darken as soon as they step out of the disco. It could also be down to the fact that both times I was plastered having drunk to much whiskey and beers. Anyway I had a good night and must learn not to view girls with the beer goggles on. This was not the last time I made that mistake.

PATTAYA

KICKING CRAZY GIRLS OUT OF YOUR HOTEL ROOM

On my third visit to Pattaya some years ago I was staying at the Dusit resort after getting a good deal with Thomas Cook. Buy one week and you get the second week free, I have always liked this hotel as its a cut above the norm.

On this trip after a good sleep my friend and I took a tuk tuk to walking street where we headed straight for one of the gogos. I cant remember the name of the place I took a seat and ordered the beers. We were both mesmerized by the girls dancing around the chrome poles not wearing much in the way of clothing. This one Thai girl with permed hair and dark skin comes over to me and gives me a very sexy lap dance. She had a very good body and I had a hard on in no time. She told me her name was Kat, I paid the barfine and took her out of the gogo. My friend was to tired as he did not get much sleep so he passed this night up for barfining.

This girl said she would take us to some good bars for a drink, we just got paraded around places were she seemed to be showing us off to her friends. But I noticed none of them smiled at her when she was talking to them. Then she says she knows a great show we would both enjoy so we followed her. Somewhere on walking street we went up these stairs into this bar area. There were tables and chairs and a stage area with chrome poles and mirrors. We took our seats and ordered the drinks and this naked girl gets up on stage and some music comes on.

Then she proceeded to take razor blade's out of her pussy, which is not my thing. I turned to my friend and he was not impressed. Then this naked girl is replaced by another naked girl, who on stage is bending her knees with a look of intense concentration on her face. And in front of her there is another girl holding a plastic bowl below her pussy, you know the type you wash your dishes in. At this point my friend and I was wondering what the hell is going on, what are these girls doing. Kat had a big smile on her face like a kid at a magic show.

Then before our startled eyes a FROG or a TOAD comes out of her pussy, it was shocking and disgusting. The thing plops into the plastic bowl and the girl rushes off stage shoving the bowl with the frog under our faces. I mean this girl was proud as if she had made the Great Wall Of China disappear. Which is what my friend and I did, we both at the same time looked at each other with disgust. We got up and paid for the drinks and left as quickly as possible, trying to get the image we saw out of our mind . Outside my friend turned to me to say what type of girl would find that show entertaining it was gross.

That spoiled that night and I spent quite a bit of time trying to banish the memory of what I saw over the duration of that holiday. I even asked Kat what were you thinking but to her it was the height of entertainment, I would not ask this girl to put on a magic show anytime ever. Anyway back to the Dusit and to my room, I gave Kat a good tapping and chilled out with a smoke afterwards. Then she turns to me and asks what we will be doing for the rest of my holiday. I was on this trip for three weeks and this was the first night, “hold on a minute” I said I have only known you for five hours. And In my mind I was thinking and five hours is enough with this girl.

Then she starts crying, I look at her and tears are rolling down her face. What the hell, why is she crying I do not know this girl I have just met her early. Then she starts shouting at me and making a scene. This girl is emotional disturbed I remember thinking and I had arranged for a overnight liaison with this girl. Then she gives me the silent treatment and I have just arrived and I do not need this hassle from a crazy girl.

Now early on before I went out I had ordered room service and the tray with a knife was still in the room. I started to get paranoid I don't want to spend the night with a unstable girl with that knife been in the room as well. And the more I thought of her behavior the more I did not want to spend the night with her. So I told her it was best if she went and I left 2000 baht on the bed for her time. She went berserk and started get hysterical with her crying and shouting. Oh god I do not need this I thought, so I let her rant and rave and when she calmed down. I told her I knew the security guy downstairs and that he was a friend and all I have to do is pick up the phone. Now I turned to her and took a deep breath and said “do you want to walk out of the door or should I get security to throw you out”. I went over to the door and opened it and said “up to you.” Thankfully she grabbed the money off the bed and slipped into her high heels and went. With the door shut I went over to the mini bar and grabbed a beer and lit up a cigarette and thought, what a fucking night.

That was not the only time I have had to throw a girl out of my room, on one trip to Pattaya I was staying at the Siam Bay View Hotel with my friend. This hotel though at the time had a joiner fee policy so any girls you bring back you paid extra for which I did not get at the Dusit. So one night we are in walking street and we go into Super Girl gogo and checked out the girls, there were some real sexy beauty's. I bought this one girl a drink and she must have had the greatest ass in Thailand, I mean it was perfect. If she stood up and bent over slightly I bet you could place a glass of water on her ass. And it would hold in perfect balance without a drop been spilled. She also had a great body and very long black hair and she was Isaan dark.

Her name was Maw and I paid the barfine and we went to the Carousel gogo where my friend barfined this girl called Vilai. We took them back to our rooms where I proceeded to have a good time. Now as she was great in the sack I saw her for a few nights until I ended up throwing her out of the room. She was not to bright but was a bit of a money grabber, I remember my friend and I took them to a Thai restaurant. We told them to order what they wanted and both girls proceeded to order the whole menu.

We had loads of dishes which covered the whole two tables and they would just take mouthfuls from each dish and that was it. Luckily both my friend and I were flush with cash and the food was cheap. Now the conversation turned around to money and Maw wanted to know how much she was getting for the few nights she had spent with me. My friend was in a playful mood this night and told her I was rich and in love with her and I was prepared to give her 7 million baht. I laughed and played around joking that I would have to sell my Rolls Royce first. Then the conversation turned to another subject and I did not give it another thought.

Then next day Maw got up early in a good mood to say she had to go back to her room, so off she went. When she came back she announced she wanted me to meet her parents which I thought was weird coming from a gogo girl. I asked her why and she said she told them that I was giving her 7 million baht and they were coming to Pattaya to see her.

At first I thought she was joking but she was not and I was shocked, “are you mad why would you think I would give you 7 million baht”. She starts getting angry telling me my friend told her and I was gonna sell my car, then I remembered the other night. We were joking I proceeded to tell her why would you think I would give you a Kings ransom. Then the tears started to fall and she was crying her heart out.

I remember ringing my mate and telling him and he could not believe it either, at this point she was given me the silent treatment. Her head was buried in the pillow of the bed and she was sulking. My mate came over with the English-Thai book as Maws English was not to good and we proceed to try using the book to get at least some understanding why she would believe the incredible. I was joking around you could not really believe Tommy would give you 7 million baht I heard my mate say. But he was getting no where her head was stuck in the pillow. So I turned to my friend and said “go and get Vilai and maybe she can talk in Thai to her and try to make sense of the situation.

So off he goes to get his Thai girl, when she enters the room we explain the situation to her and she cannot believe it either. So she tells us both to leave and she will talk to Maw alone, so we both go down in the lift to the bar for a few drinks. We are both shaking our heads and I turned to him and said “why did you have to say I was rich and that I am gonna give her 7 million baht”. He just smirks and says “you were the one saying you were gonna sell your Rolls.” And we both started laughing agreeing that the next thing to do is pay her (no not 7 million baht) and be done with her.

When we got back to the room Vilai tells us that Maw did believe it and she is a bit of a dum dum. So that evening I pay her what I owed here and with her crying she gathers her possessions and leaves making me feel bad.

ALCOHOL PROHIBITED

I was in Pattaya early this year and not long after arriving I was out of the Hotel and heading to walking street. The strange thing I noticed was all the bars were empty or had the lights switched off with a few patrons sitting down. Then I saw a sign in one bar saying due to elections the sale of alcohol is prohibited. And when I got to the start of walking street there were a lot of cops to enforce the ruling.

I went into a few gogos and they were just selling water or soft drinks which was killing business as you can imagine. Everyone was just milling about on walking street. I went into this one gogo and there was a show on so I took a seat. I checked out these two sexy girls and bought them a drink and they were all over me. Now as I was cold sober and there was no alcohol to drink it was pretty miserable all round.

So I hit on the idea if I cannot go to the party the party will come to me, I remembered I had whiskey in my room. So I decided to barfine these two girls and take them back to my room, one was young and beautiful and was a sweetie pie and the other had her hair done like a Japanese girl. So off we went the funny thing is as soon as we left the gogo the sweetie pie girl had a personality change and had a attitude problem. She wanted to go and see her friend in another bar. I have had this happen before and you end up buying everyone drinks. So I said no we are going back to my hotel room, the other girl was lovely no hassles.

I took the tuk tuk to soi 8 beach road where my hotel was it was dark and I managed to see the sun part of the name of the hotel. Went into reception with these two sexy girls had to pay 600 baht for the extra girl. Then they could not find my key so I went to the 5th floor with the girls and a member of staff. He tried the door and it was locked from the inside and the light was on. Some one was actually in there, my god I thought. Then the guy gets onto his radio, then it dawns on me the layout seems different from when I left.

shit I am in the wrong hotel so I went down to reception and explained I have just arrived and the hotels had similar names. mine was the Sunshine Hotel and I was in the Sunbeam Hotel and it was dark outside and the hotels are close to each other and I'm unfamiliar with the area. Got my money back for the extra girl and had to write a sorry note so the hotel could pass to the occupant I disturbed. The thing is this highlights the key system the hotel staff do not know everyone on face recognition. If that person was not in their room I could have gotten their key and had access to their room and robbed them. Makes you think that a conman with balls could actually get your key just by asking for it. I guess that's why the more expensive and new hotels have the swipe system where you keep your card. Anyway I had a great night.

ANGEL WITCH

During the ban on alcohol I took this girl called Nam to the seafood place at the very end of walking street. As I was sitting down I heard a member of staff say they had been fined 20,000 baht for selling alcohol to a customer. Which was strictly enforced by the Thai police doing their duty to King and country by applying the law.

After a nice meal I decided to check out the sexy shows of Angel witch I go in and low and behold they are selling alcohol. Apparently the law does not stretch this far up walking street as everyone has got a beer. Apparently Nam tells me that the establishment of this place pays big money to the police. Well that's ok then they only enforce the law here in Pattaya if you do not have any money. No wonder Pattaya is the law abiding place we know and love.

I was very impressed with Angel Witch though they had great seating arrangements and the shows with the girls were very erotic. Apparently Nam tells me these are arranged by a lady boy who has come from the other angel witch in Bangkok to arrange the shows here.

THE WALK OF SHAME

On one trip to Pattaya I was staying at the Dusit again and went out about 10.30pm and had dinner at that 24 hour food place across the road from the Dusit. Then I made my way to the Class Room gogo the one across the road from the Big C and near that big massage parlour. And what a place it had been extended and there was plenty of room since I last went there.

On the right there was a stage with all the sexy school girls in those sexy outfits dancing. On the left was a stage with naked showgirls dancing. And in the far center was a round ceramic bath tub with naked girls getting soapy suds applied to their sexy body's..

Well I sat down and girls came over and sat to my right, then a naked babe came off stage and sat on my lap. I got out my fun chat up English -Thai bar book and gave them a few sexy

lines in Thai. Suddenly I was Tom Cruise, girls in every direction were making eye contact. The drinks started to flow with beer after beer. I was Mr. Charisma and had loads of girls wanting my attention. Then I pulled out my key ring showing a man and a lady engaged in some boom boom action. Now I was Brad Pitt, the girls showed it to other girls.

Suddenly all the girls in the gogo wanted to shag me, I even had the mamasan come over to look at my Bagwan book. She even borrowed it and went away and I could see her with her specs on scribbling away on some paper. More beers came and went, I bought a few drinks for the sexy girls. Now I was the prince of heaven, girls were dancing near to get my attention and other girls had theirs arms around me. And when one of my girls left to dance on stage another girl took her place. Jesus Christ could not have been more popular, this was the most friendliest gogo I have been in.

Within three and a half hours I had drunk twelve Tiger beers and a few whiskeys, I was smashed out of my skull. I was just concentrating hard to keep myself together and had run up a high bar bill. I asked about the barfines, the naked show girls barfine was 1000 baht and the school girls barfine was 600 baht and they both wanted 2000 baht to go with me. I was gutted as I was on a budget and had already spent a lot of money.

The end of the night came and I stumbled out of the gogo totally smashed drunk, I walked along and got dragged into these beer bars. I went into my bar talk routine and more beers flowed. Before I knew it, it was 4:30 AM. Now this one aggressive girl wanted me to bar fine her mate. Now it was dark and her mate looked 28 and slimmish wearing a baggy tee-shirt and I got the horn but was totally drunk and out of it. And this girl was taking full advantage of it, I ended up at 5.30am walking down the streets.

God knows where I was, totally pissed out of my head while been hustled and managed by this girl to go to a short time hotel with her mate. So I just followed along in a stupor and before you know it I am at this short time hotel with this girl and her mate. God only knows how much money I handed over. So I am in this room and managed to have a shower which was a experience totally pissed. I came out and stumbled into bed and the lady was all over me but I could not get it up. I just lay back and slumbered.

When I came to I looked across at the 28 year old girl and she turned into a 45 overweight mamasan type of women. WHAT THE FUCK! I looked again in case I was hallucinating and yep the beer goggles had dropped. She was not ugly but very plain and what you remember the dinner lady's at school were like. I got up and went into the bathroom. Then I gave myself a good look in the mirror and said “what the fuck are you doing in this dive with mirrors on the ceiling with a 45 year old mamasan type.

Got to devise a plan and get out of DODGE, I was still feeling the alcohol but was more sober. So I went back into the room with a game plan, I pretended to sleep but moving around as if restless. Then I got up telling her I could not sleep and all I can hear is the air con. She then was all over me trying to kiss me and one hand trying to give me a hand job. Oh God, get me out of this jam.

Then I continued to make a big deal of not sleeping and needing my hotel room, I gave her some money and that did the trick. Got dressed and so did she. At this point it was 8.30am and when I got out it was daylight. Then I had to do the walk of shame, walking with this old mamasan women past the Thai people who were up and about. I felt so ashamed, you could guess what they were thinking. What is that farang doing with her.

Then I got lost and was walking in the wrong direction to the hotel. Managed to get a tuk tuk back to the Dusit Resort. I remember thinking how did a night that started ever so sweet end up bitter. Gonna have to watch my alcohol intake.


CHIANG MAI

DUST UP AT THE BUBBLES DISCO

At the start of this year I found myself in Chiang Mai as I always wanted to visit up North and it was a breath of fresh air from every where else I have been. It had a country feel to the place compared with other places I visited. I especially loved the temple on top of the mountain and going up those many steps to get a glorious view of the city. A perfect place to end a holiday on and pick up some gifts and go on a few trips.

I was staying at the Down Town Inn with my girl at the time called Pom. One evening we went out and got some food at this great small bar called the Guitar Man. They played live music while you ate your meal, I really enjoyed the place it had character.

After we went to the Porn Ping Hotel to check out the Bubbles disco, I wanted to see what action a man would expect to get from this place. I went past security and proceeded down the stairs and went across the dance floor and sat down on one of those large stools with metal round tables with Pom.

They had a big bar but you were supposed to sit down and they would bring the drinks to you they would not except cash at the bar. So the music is playing and the lights are flashing and a few people are dancing on the floor. The thing I liked about Pom was she was a good people watcher and would see things I would miss. The place is now starting to fill up and quite a few honeys are arriving. You could see them scope the place then go to stand where there are blokes without girls. Now these girls went to stand by these blokes not far from the bar but I had to laugh because I saw those bloke's dancing with each early and they were gay. You are not gonna have much luck with those blokes I thought.

Anyway this one Thai girl comes in with her farang boyfriend, he goes and takes a seat near the front but to the side of the dance floor and she goes towards the bar. Then just before the bar she gets talking to someone she knows another farang. Then she has been bought a drink and the poor guy she came with is sitting by himself looking like a chump across the room while his girl is having a good time with some one else.

Pom is engrossed in this I get the impression she has seen this all before, and she kept saying “ lady no good, she not take care of customer”. This was going on for a good while and I could see the guy getting agitated and wondering where his girl was. Then he gets up and goes towards where his girl is and I could see there was gonna be a showdown. I could tell from where I was that there were some raised voices and then a scuffle broke out between the boyfriend and his girl. Then the other bloke threw his drink at him and the girl tried get in between them, but all hell broke loose and punch up ensured with the other blokes mates joining in.

Before you know it security is there dragging people apart and marching them out of the disco. This ruined the night for me and I told pom to drink up and lets go elsewhere. So I went to this Japanese hostess bar which I have never been to before as the deal was different with the barfine system I am used to in other establishments.

I go in with Pom and sit down and there are absolutely stunning sexy babes that you would die for singing on stage and they were wearing micro skirts and had money stuck on their body's. I ordered a pitcher of beer and saw some Japanese men come up to the stage and attach some money to a girls garter. Why do the Japanese get the best girls I thought and watched as different girls took time to sing.

I was getting hypnotized by the sexiness of these girls and did not notice Pom was getting annoyed until she kicked me under the table and I noticed she was giving me a evil stare. As I was a bit drunk I laughed and said “have one more drink and we will go” and I motioned for the waitress to pour Pom some beer from the pitcher. Which she did filling up the pint glass, then Pom picked up the pint glass and downed it in moments like she was drinking for the honor of her Country. I was taken back by her brazen drinking prowess but got the message and paid my bill and went. I could not help though but to turn and get a last glimpse of those sexy girls the Japanese seem to get.

THE WRONG MASSAGE

I was walking down the street with Pom at my side where I stated to become aware of those oil massage places and thinking may be I could get a hand job by one of the girls. So I turn to Pom and said I felt like a oil massage to relax me as I am tired and tense. I go in and there are lots of Thai lady's and I go into a alcove with the curtains drawn and undress.

So I am lying down face down and thinking to wait for the ever so brush against your balls and that's the signal that the hand job is on the cards. Then someone comes in and they pour oil onto my back and start to give me a massage. Then after a while I feel their hand brush against my balls. So I turn around to ask about the possibility of getting a hand job and I am staring at this young Thai guy.

WHAT THE FUCK, no fucking way I thought so I stopped the proceedings and asked for a lady to massage me. So he goes away with a sour expression on his face and this little cute babe comes in, that's better I thought.

So she is massaging me and I am thinking about getting that hand Job. I can feel her hands brush my tallywacker but just as I was gonna ask her for the hand job for a tip she tells me to sit up. Now she starts on my neck and shoulders, so I'm thinking I will ask her again as I missed my moment. And again just as I was gonna ask her Pom puts her head through the curtains to say she is finished with her massage.

Damn! sometimes you get thwarted by fate and things seem to happen just at the moment you try for the action. Oh well you can not win them all.

BAR STORIES

I do remember people telling me various bar stories they heard and I have no idea if they are true or not or if they are just urban myths. But I will share with you the ones I can remember.

NEW TUK TUK SERVICE IN PATONG

This story was told to me by a bar owner on the Bangla road in Phuket.

There was a American guy who was pissed off with the tuk tuk drivers in Phuket always overcharging the tourist's, and no matter how many tuk tuk drivers he went to the high price always seemed to be high as if they had all gathered together and fixed the price. And god forbid if you wanted to travel from Patong to Karon beach you hand will be reaching deeper into your pockets..

So our American friend thinks to himself with the money I have saved there is a business opportunity here. I could come over to Thailand to live and set up my own taxi firm undercutting the locals who are so blatant in ripping off decent holiday makers. The more he thinks about it the more it seems like a good idea, how much are tuk tuk's gonna be. So he makes his plans to return and exploit a opening in the market.

So our American friend comes back to Phuket and before you know it he has a fleet of brand spanking new tuk tuks. And he has employed local drivers at a cheap rate and the prices charged are cheaper to. No longer will the holiday makers in Patong have to suffer the sting of high fare's for short journeys. Before you know it the proud day comes when he is in business and his fleet of brand new taxi's are in service for the benefit of the people.

Now are the local taxi mafia gonna take this threat to their business lying down, hell no! Before you know it he gets reports of other tuk tuk driver's smashing into his brand new tuk tuk's and some of the drivers getting out and letting the taxi mafia smash the vehicles to bits. So off to the police he goes to get final justice, but the police assure him that these are just accidents, its that time of year where there seems to more accidents on the road they tell him..

Of course he is not buying this as its happening every day and his business is suffering, so he complains and goes to various local authorities. At some point some one threatens his life along the lines of “don't fuck with our rice bowl”. So our American friend gets the message and goes back to the states a sadder but wiser man.

THE PRICE OF NOT PAYING A BARGIRL

This tale was told to me by this Australian guy after I bought him a few drinks in some bar in Pattaya.

There was a young English guy who came to Bangkok thinking himself a cut above every one else here. He enjoys the nightlife but would never pay to get a bit, the people who do are suckers. All the girls he has had back in England have been shagged through his pulling power, and this lad really thinks that he really is a “Handsome man.” And paying these girls well that's for lesser men than him.

He gets involved with a young gogo dancer from Soi Cowboy and is quite taken with her. He spends a month with her in Bangkok and promises her that he will pay her at the end of month. But does he have any real intention of forking over the folding stuff, hey the thought does not enter his head. He is bigger man than that he does not pay for it, he's not some John picking up a hooker. Hell no!

At the end of the month come pay day for our young Thai girl, this lad does a runner to Pattaya. She is not gonna find me and thinks himself clever that he has saved a few bob.

Well this girl is quite resourceful and manages to track him down in Pattaya and with some friends hatches a scheme to serve this guy with a bit of payback.

She gets one of her friends who has a fake id to use her charms on this lad and back at his hotel gives him a night to remember. The next day she invites him to her room, and when he gets there she pours him a drink. He takes the drink and gulps it down, then he is out cold as it is drugged.

When he wakes he finds himself naked tied to a chair facing his gogo dancer girlfriend and two Thai guys eyeballing him with daggers. The other girl unknown to him at the time is back at his hotel taking anything of value. Then with his gogo girl watching the two Thai guys beat the living crap out of him. He is found later in a alley in a very bad way.

THE UGLY SIDE TO CHARITY

This short tale was told to me by a bargirl who always gave money to those more unfortunate than herself. And if there was any food left at the end of a meal she would get it placed in containers to give to the beggars on the street.

Around the Golden Triangle area of South East Asia there are peasants so poor every day is a struggle to feed themselves. And there are ruthless gang's that exploit these poor hardworking people. They buy their young children then they hack off a body part be it a leg or a arm. These children are then sent to various countries around South East Asia to work as beggars in tourist areas. Knowing they can earn money out of a decent persons sense of charity, those beggars have handlers who give them enough food to live on but take the money.

This girl proceeded to tell me that various spots around Bangkok with beggars who have handlers and where the money goes to the local mafia. And she advised only to give them small money or better still food left over from a meal.

HOW DO YOU LOSE A FORTUNE……….TAKE IT TO PATTAYA

This tale was told to me when I was staying in Hua Hin at the Fresh Inn opposite the Hilton Hotel. Got talking to another English guy on holiday with his pregnant bargirl lady and in one of the side street bars tells me the following tale.

There was a guy who worked as a bin man in Manchester England who gets involved in a accident that nearly costs him his life. He sues the local council and is awarded with over half a million pounds. What does he do with his good fortune, he comes to Pattaya to live the life of the care free.

Before you know he has three girlfriends set up in different condo's and has a lavish pad himself. He shags every girl he can and throws his money around enjoying been the big man.

Then he starts investing in his own bar and sets it up, no expense is spared. And in a whirlwind of decadence and indulgence eighteen months later he finds himself broke and back in Manchester England borrowing money from his mates.

FINAL WORDS

I just like to say I have enjoyed all my trips to Thailand it has been a real blast and a adventure. I am glad I have been able to share my experiences to whoever is reading this and would like to say all the best. May the adventures continue.

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

Thailand can be a real blast. With the right attitude and without taking things too seriously one can have a huge amount of fun.