Alternate Alphabet Soup

Authors, especially those who write Science Fiction are often asked during interviews, “How do you come up with these crazy ideas?” Sometimes ideas pop into my head while going about the business of daily life. Last week after my wife got off the phone with her family in Buriram I casually asked how everyone was doing. My wife hesitated, before blurting out that both her sisters wanted to borrow money from us. After I got done laughing hysterically, I told her that a snow ball had a better chance in Hell than anyone in her family ever getting a single baht from me. My wife, in less prosaic terms had already told them much the same thing. Still laughing I told my teeruk that her family’s definition of the word “borrow” is quite a bit different from the one found in any English dictionary in existence. (at least in this Universe!) It wasn’t long before I began to consider other “alternate” Thai definitions of common English words. Suddenly the idea for this little submission was born. I enjoy all kinds of word play and appreciate puns, limericks and double entendres. I certainly am not great wit, but it was fun to see how far I could stretch the old Mother tongue. Some of these are obviously slanted in the P4P direction. Others are illustrative of Thai attitudes in general. I’ve banged this out rather quickly. I’m hoping that some of you will e-mail me with definitions of your own. So without further ado, here is my alternate English alphabet.

A is for A-Levels. Bar girls who qualify for this are always in big demand, but this service will probably cost you extra!

A is also for ATM. For a bar girl this refers to a mobile source of ready cash on demand….preferably you!

B is for borrow. For Thais, this generally refers to the Farang in-law giving them a large sum of money. (or two or three) Once given, no reference to repayment is ever to be made
by the said Farang. To do so would not only be considered an insult, but would of course be an utter waste of time.

B is for butterfly. If you choose not to spend night after night with the same bar girl, not to mention spend every last baht you possess, you are a butterfly. “You no take me seriously, you are butterfly!” Of course she spends all her time actively enticing every man in sight that is willing to pay top prices with her Nectar!

B is of course for Buffalo. There are two distinct meanings of this word. The first refers to the ubiquitous “sick buffalo” Did you know that there are more sick buffalo in Thailand than anywhere else on the planet? It’s true! Amazingly though the condition is rarely fatal. There is a cure! It’s a little known fact in Veterinary circles, but a liberal injection cash from a Farang can bring a sick buffalo back from the brink of death, and thus save the family farm. Really! The second meaning of buffalo refers the species known as the Fat White Buffalo. A conversation between two bar girls may go something like this. Last night I had to do it with that Fat White Buffalo. It was disgusting!” This conversation may actually occur in front of that very buffalo, since it will probably be taking place in Lao….just in case the buffalo has a crude knowledge of Thai.

C is for Cheap Charlie. There are many sub-species of this genus here in LOS. Some, like English teachers simply barely have two baht to rub together, and simply like value for money. You will always find them where ever a Happy Hour special is going on. Some are just plain old stingy. If you go out on the town with one you will find that suffer from an unfortunate condition. That is to say “short arms and deep pockets.” To hear these guys trying to bargain with a bar girl is just plain hilarious. Of course to most bar girls any Farang who won’t buy a dozen expensive Lady Drinks is considered a Cheap Charlie.

C is also for condom. For too many Farangs, this wee bit of latex is considered optional. This unfortunately is true for many Bar Girls as well. To quote the immortal Stickman, “Always party with a hat!”

C is for chat, as in “chat on-line.” This is a favorite diversion for a truly motivated Bar Girl. Why just sit around waiting for the money to walk in on two legs when you can “reach out touch someone” without having to actually touch someone at all! Napoleon himself, General George C. Patton, or more likely Genghis Khan can’t compare to a talented Bar Girl who is planning a strategy for conquest and plunder! Thanks to the Internet she can juggle for “romantic” affairs than Casanova or a trained seal for that matter! And everyone for her Farang “boyfriends” actually believes that he is the love of her life, patiently waiting for his return. Perhaps to fill the emptiness she had taken up a hobby like embroidery. The reality s the only thing she is embroidering is the stories she tells these guys.

D is for darling. You are her darling aren’t you? The love of her life? At least while you are in town, or while the ATM is in service.

D is for Democracy. Thailand is a democracy isn’t it. The people vote for the leaders of their choice. The will of the people determines which government will hold sway in LOS….until the tanks roll through the streets …..again!

E is for emergency. An emergency is any reason under the sun why your bar girl cannot “love you long time” as she promised back in the bar, and of course you paid for! These girls can be quite inventive in dreaming up these emergencies. It can range anything from the mother who has only this moment become critically ill, to the fact that her roommate has just called to say their apartment is on fire! In any case she needs to go immediately. Of course not before she asks you for a tip! That final act I call Chutzpa and really deserves to have its own listing under C.

E is for enthusiasm, which sadly far too many P4P girls lack. For your average Bar Girl, the mere fact that she allows you to “do it” with her at all is enough. Don’t expect extravagant displays of passion. There are of course exceptions. I can personally vouch for that! Some girls are wildly enthusiastic, or at least they genuinely seem to be. In any case that put some serious effort into it. Please refer to Eden Club.

E is for Eden Club. The lasses that work in that fine establishment fall into the above mentioned genuinely talented professionals. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and some think overpriced. But if your fancy runs into two bisexual girls at a time, many of who have passed their A-levels with flying colors, Eden is a slice of paradise. All hail Marc and Bruce!

E is for excuse. Any way that a bar girl can exit your room as soon as humanly possible. Please refer to emergency.

E is for e-mail This is a quick and easy way for A Bar Girl to write some impassioned letters to you without having to something unnecessary, like actually spend money on a postage stamp. Witha little text editing of names and a few details, she can send a whole batch of these out at one go.

F is for free. This word does not exist in a Bar Girl’s vocabulary. Every Farang should know that “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.” That is why they call it Pay for Play! F is also for farce. That is the sad spectacle of a Farang falling “in love” with a Bar Girl.

F is for faithful Most Bar Girls are extremely faithful, at least to the degree that while you are asleep with her in your bed, she probably won’t sneak away to find another customer. That doesn’t mean that she won’t head for the bathroom with her phone to set something up for tomorrow!

F is for fishbowl. This not a small aquarium. It is large glass room where massage girls display themselves for your perusal. The population varies in size and quality at different times of the day and night. The surroundings themselves can vary from somewhat dingy to outright opulent. Some wear typical bar clothes. Some are wearing what I call prom gowns. Sometimes the girls smile and wave to get your attention. Sometimes they avoid looking at you at all since they are obviously bored to tears. To avoid the Thai sensibilities of pointing at the girl of your choice, they like go-go girls all where numbers.

G is for greed. For a hardened bitter Bar Girl, no amount of money will ever be enough. With skill of a vampire she will bleed a poor unsuspecting Farang of every baht he has, and still be on the lookout for more!

G is for guilt. The above mentioned Bar Girl is incapable of feeling any. She sleeps quite well at night.

G is for gambling. This what many Bar Girls do with the hundreds of thousands of baht that their many Farang “Boyfriends” send her every month. So what if she loses a bundle? A quick e-mail or two and the cash will be rolling in once again!

G is for gift A gift is something special you’ve brought for your tee rak. It can be something from your home country, like a tee shirt. They of course don’t know or care who the New England Patriots are, it’s the thought that counts, right? Perfume, especially if it seems expensive is always popular. A side benefit to perfume is that hopefully you can apply all over her body! Gold of course is the ultimate gift. She can wear it to impress her friends, or bank it for a future time when she wants some extra cash. Flowers, especially a big bouquet can sometimes even momentarily thaw the heart of a really cold hearted girl….at least for a few minutes.

G is for “good girl” A “good girl” falls into several categories. She may actually be a pretty girl who has never gone with a man in exchange for money. She may the nice young girl who you flirt with in Robinsons or at Central. She may be a university student. She may run her own small business. In any case, for some reason she actually likes you. She may have nothing more in mind than a casual good time, or she may be looking for a boyfriend or husband. The other variety of “good girl” may once again be a university student or a shop girl, she is looking to supplement her income with a little P4P on the side. These girls are usually not as hardened as the real pros. You may actually have a laugh or two with them.

G is for Girl Friend Experience or GFE. For many this is the Holy Grail in the world of P4P. Sometimes both partners in this transaction not only have fantastic sex, but actually enjoy each other’s company! There is a whole lot of hand holding, kissing and cuddling. If the two you spend a few days or a week together, there is an illusion of genuine affection hence the name Girl Friend Experience. You may go sightseeing, visit temples, or go shopping. In the GFE you want to buy pretty things for your “girlfriend”. Ultimately it is of course only an illusion. Eventually there will be a final kiss goodbye and then it’s back to reality…..but it was sure fun while it lasted!

H is for “hansum man” If a Farang has a large bulge in pants, and in this case I mean in his back pocket where his wallet is located. Then he is especially “hansum”.

H is for haughty. This trait is on display at the “model’s lounge” places like Poseidon. Two minutes in these establishments and you know where on the totem pole as a Farang you rank!

H is for horny. “I miss you so much. I so horny for you. While often times this can be dismissed as so much Bar Girl B.S, sometimes, maybe not often, but sometimes this is actually true. I can personally attest to this on several occasions. Not all of these girls hate the “business end” of their work. There are some who are horny, and are happy to get sweaty between the sheets. I won’t go into personal details here, but there are girls out there who are “hot to trot”.

H is for honest. An example of how you might use that word in a sentence is. “She is as honest as a Patpong Bar Girl.”

H is also for Hell, which is where a Bar Girl might tell you to go if she thinks you “disrespected” her.

I is for insult. If you can understand Thai, you will hear some real “doozies” in the course of an evening in the bars.

I is also for itch. You might experience that (or worse) “down below” if you party without a hat!

J is for jealous. Your sweet little Tee Rak can be brutal if she thinks you are being unfaithful to her. You’d best sleep with one eye open and remove any sharp objects from the premises, or you may wind up missing an important piece of “equipment”!

K is for key. First of all, having a bar girl move in with you is just asking for trouble, but if you do, NEVER let her get a hold of your keys.

K is for kiss, which is something many P4P girls will never allow you do. She may allow you to penetrate every other orifice of her body, but her lips shall touch yours….well maybe a quick peck. As for swapping spit, well apparently that’s a bit too personal. Go figure!

K is for the King. No matter how drunk or pissed off you are. Always show respect for HRH. Bad things can happen if you were stupid enough not to.

L is for Ladyboy. Give these “guys” a wide berth. There are a lot of mean ones out there. If you can’t tell the difference between a real woman and a Katheeuy then you probably have had much too much to drink!

L is for Lady Drink. This is an astonishingly overpriced drink that you are asked to buy any Bar Girl who saunters up you in the bar, even if you are not vaguely interested in her company. Of course you will be asked to buy a round or two for her “friends” as well. If you decline to do so you will be treated to some amazingly colorful insults.

L is for lie For a Bar Girl a lie is a way to time tested way an inconvenient truth. It’s a way to avoid confrontation, or at least to keep the money flowing! Some girls are pathological liars. They lie even when it isn’t necessary just on general principles. These bitches should be avoided at all costs, because they actually enjoy fucking with your head!

L is for letter. If you are sponsoring a Bar Girl you will receive one from time to time, expressing her undying love for you and a request for more money. Even though she may barely be able to put three English words together in a coherent sentence, these letters will be grammatically correct, with not a single spelling error! Furthermore they will be full of colorful term of endearment. Perhaps it will be written on paper with the scent of the very perfume you gave her last time and stained with a teardrop or two. Oh she misses you so! How can she endure until you return to her waiting arms? Well a fat transfer into her bank account may not soothe her aching heart, but it will let her do some serious shopping. Perhaps she will buy a gift or two for her real boyfriend, the Thai guy she’s somehow neglected to tell you about.

M is for massage. A massage is a superficial laying on of hands, usually in a clumsy way for a minute or two before the subject of “extras” rears its head. This usually occurs while another “head” is begin to rear!

M is for mobile: This is a Bar Girls most important possession. It is usually the latest most expensive model that you can’t afford. It’s the only way she can keep all her affairs in order. If that wee contraption could talk, what stories it could tell! How many past and present “boyfriends” are stored in there? How many lie and deceitful storied have been told on? If for some ungodly reason you ever take one of these ladies as a girlfriend, do as Stick once suggested secretly get hold of her mobile and install a little something extra so that you can monitor what she’s really up to!

M is for multiplication table. A bored Bar Girl may be doing this in her head staring up at the ceiling, while you are busy pumping away with fervor. Alternately she may be calculating her bank balance.

N is for Nana Hotel. Ah the Nana! The first place many of us stayed on our first trip to Bangkok. Back in the 90’s it was a little less seedy than it is now, but it was never anyone’s idea of luxury. It sure was convenient though, back when Nana Plaza was the place to go to find the girls!

N is for naughty. Naughty boys do things in public here in LOS that they would never dream of doing in public back in Farangland. I’ve only heard of what goes on it places like Star of Light. But personally I need a little privacy. Hey whatever turns you on….I guess.

O is for oily. Oily means oily massage, which in turns an oily prelude to a wide variety of “extras”. Lots of punters say there some fine ones in BKK.

P is for pout. Pouting is what a Bar Girl does when she is not getting what she wants from you. She purses her lips together in the manner of a ten year old whose parents won’t get her the expensive toy that “all the other girls have!” “But I really need that new cell phone, outfit, jewelry etc. etc.” You almost expect her to stomp her foot or have a little tantrum. Like many little brats, this technique often works. “There, there darling, okay we’ll get your little toy.” This is often followed by promises of what she is going to do for you back in bed later that night.

P is for power. This what your girl says to you when you are ready for round # 2. “Oh you have much power!” Damned straight I do babe. Let me show you something…..

Q is for quit. Every Bar Girl swears that this is what she is going to do now that you are her only love. “Just send me 100,000 baht every month and then I will have to go back to the bar again! Maybe I should go to university? Can you pay for that also? Or maybe I should start a business? Can you help me to start one? Maybe I should have a beauty shop or a spa? I will never have to see any of those naughty men again. Only you are my darling. Please hurry back to me soon.” The only likely thing that will be happening soon is that the she be soliciting out of the beauty shop or spa!

R is for raid: This how the Boys in Brown get to flex their authority once in awhile. I wonder how much “tea money” bar owners have to pay out weekly to these guys.

R is for revenge: What your angry tee rak will seek if you really piss her off. See jealous.

S is for soapy, as in soapy massage. What can I say folks? I don’t know if this fine institution exists outside of LOS, but no one can deny that visit to a soapy is one unique experience! They vary from the mundane to the wildly opulent. In addition to the girls in the fishbowl you have your “sideliners” and sometimes “superstars” It’s all good slippery fun and in the end you come out squeaky clean! No wonder they call Thailand the Land of Smiles!

S is for sexy. See “hansum man”

S is for “stunner”. Beauty is of course in the eye of the beholder. One man’s living doll is just “ho-hum” to someone else. Nevertheless, there are some working girls that rise so far above the norm that they even turn the heads of Thai men. I’ve been privileged to have met several in my life. One was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. O my very first trip to Thailand, I shared a week long GFE with this sweetheart. As for the other…..please go on to the next word in out lexicon, which is…

S is for starfish. Like the aquatic variety, this starfish remains motionless on the bed, except in this case not the bed of the sea. We are talking about your bed! The sexy young lady who back in the bar told you how she was going to “love you long time” has morphed into a manikin-like lump. There is not the slightest expression of emotion on her face, except maybe one of weariness or boredom. The second “stunner” I ever met was also a starfish. Physically she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, let alone met. Her hair was straight out of a shampoo commercial. She was all smiles and erotic whispers back in the bar However once back in the hotel she became not only a starfish, but if there was such a thing as a Miss Starfish competition, she would have been a serious contender.

S is for shame. Something no Bar Girl has ever experienced. see guilt.

T is for tee rak. She is the love of your life. You are not very likely to find her working in a bar or massage parlor.

T is for truth. See lie

T is for tight. This can either describe the clothing worn by a bargirl, or to the young lady’s body itself. “her butt was so tight you could bounce a 10 baht coin off of it!”

U is for “Up to You” Entire doctoral papers could be written about his one simple phrase, but let’s confine the definition to semantic device that a Bar Girl uses to get a Farang to give the absolute maximum amount of money with herself looking the least bit greedy. The phrase is uttered with the innocence of a sweet girl who is new at this sort of thing, and perhaps a bit embarrassed to bring up the whole idea of payment. The reality is that this simple line is delivered with the aplomb of an actress up for an Oscar nomination! Most Farangs, (excluding Cheap Charlies) especially if this is their first trip here, want to be generous. Also they really aren’t familiar with the “going rates”. Consequently, when they are told “up to you” are likely to offer much more than a veteran would. Anyway, the BG has nothing lose. If you offer less than she wants, she’ll either attempt to wheedle the price higher by telling you all the things she wants to do with you, or just tell to fuck off. It seems that the odds are better than not that she’ll get what she wants. After all it’s “up to you.”

V is for visa. Every Bar Girl would love to have one of these and go to a Western country where her looks and skills would earn her some serious money!

V is for Vitamin “V” That little blue pill that can sometimes give a guy that “something extra” he needs after a few days and nights in the bars and MPs.

W is for wanker. There are far too many of these guys hanging out in LOS. These are some of the less refined members of the male gender that give us all a bad reputation. Of course they are still wankers when they return back home!

X is for xenophobia. This is the distrust and fear of strangers. It’s what most Thai’s feel about us living in their country. Yes they like the money we bring, but wish we would simply spend it quickly and get the hell out.

Y is for yuck, which is the sound a bar girl makes when she receives an unexpected oral sperm deposit!

Z is for zero. In the end what most Bar Girls opinion of Farangs. They’ll take our money, and do things our wives would never do in a thousand years, but in the end we mean absolutely zero to them.

Well that’s it from A-Z. I wrote this in a hurry, so some of these were a bit of a stretch. Please feel free to send me your contributions to this alternate lexicon. I’ll save them up and send them to Stick with full attribution. This would make a great bar game for bunch of guys lifting a glass or two!

Stickman's thoughts:

Somehow I don't think you'll be using that list of A – Z to teach the alphabet to the kids!