Stickman Readers' Submissions March 11th, 2008

Pattaya Memoires 2

3. Ice ice baby

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There is so much more fun in spending time in Pattaya if you know a few people around who know a few people around … You might immediately think of the inevitable Thai bargirls who are indeed more than a lot of fun, but this is about our fellow farang tourists. I love to meet new people, and in Pattaya it's as easy to meet farang guys from all over the world as it is to meet local bargirls, Russian prostitutes and taxi drivers. One can learn a lot talking to fellow farangs. There is an important connection between farang males in this city : we are all the same, we are all here for the Thai females and most of us are on holiday or retirement. We are all sex-tourists or sexpats, addicted to this place and we chose this way of life. <Hmmm, plenty don't fit this description, really!Stick> Wherever we come from, why we are here and what we do here is not appreciated in our homeland. But we couldn't care less. We are right, they are wrong. This creates some kind of bond. We do not consider fellow farangs competitors in the hunt for beautiful young Thai meat. No, we often consider them soulmates, talking and drinking partners. If you think about this, it is stupid because it is clear they are in fact competitors, but who gives a shit anyway when the woods are full of pray to hunt and we are all sure none of us will ever be hungry.

Will is a guy I know from Farangland and we go watch football matches of our favourite team together. Actually I met him at a supporters party a couple of years ago. We had a good time getting pissed. Some things never change. We still get pissed together once in a while, but mostly 12,000 km away in an exotic setting and in the company of stunningly beautiful women. So much more fun than in the company of football supporters, I can give you that. I believe our fellow farangs in Pattaya contribute to the overall fun experience (not to the GFE, that is a different story), although sometimes things can get out of hand …

Last June Will met a tall Dutch guy and his Thai girlfriend in a bar complex somewhere along 2nd Road. He claimed to be a frequent visitor of Sin City. After some chit chat, the ever changing Pattaya bar scene came to subject, of which Dutchie seemed to know a lot. Will was not really impressed so the Dutchman challenged Will : he would take Will to a "new place" in Pattaya. Will had to stay there (the Dutchman stated he would be there as well) for at least 15 minutes but if Will wanted or needed to, he could walk away any minute. If he succeeded, the Dutchman would pay 1000 baht to Nok, Will's girlfriend. If he did not manage to stay for 15 minutes however, Will had to pay only 100 baht to the Dutchman's girlfriend. Fair deal so it seems, no risks involved.

Will agreed, in fact he had no choice as the Dutchman already explained to Nok she could earn an easy 1000 baht doing absolutely nothing (something she, according to Will, was very good at). And off they went. Will did not have a clue where he would land. They took a baht bus to Walking Street. After a short walk they halted in front of Soi Happy. There on the corner on the 1st floor is the new V2O Cocktail Lounge and Ice bar, which had just opened at that time. Looking up and seeing the led displaying "-20 degrees C", Will started to realize what he had got himself into. He looked at the Dutchman who smiled from ear to ear. In fact Will could easily bail himself out by paying 100 baht to the girlfriend of the Dutchman, but no, that's not Will. Also, Nok wanted that 1000 baht so chances were that if he bailed out, he could forget about boom-boom that night. They went into Soi Happy and took the stairs to the first floor and proceeded up front directly to the ice bar. The Dutchman explained to the waiter they wanted to go into the ice cabin. A Thai waiter wrapped up looking like an Eskimo was sent in the ice cabin to serve them. The Dutch guy and Will, both wearing just shorts and a T-shirt, went in and the door was closed behind them. Apparently the only thing you can order inside is a range of vodkas, as drinks like coke or beer would just freeze in there. I guess this ice bar is a venue established with the Russian tourists in mind. It is brought to Thailand by Maxxium, the sole importer of Absolut Vodka and Bols liquor (Bols is a Dutch company!) So if Boris and Vladimir (and who knows Svetlana and Anastasia as well) feel a little homesick missing Siberia, there now is the V2O ice bar in Walking Street offering them vodka in a more homely environment. Apart from Russians, the bar is the ideal place for overheated Western sex-tourists to cool down for a while or to fool fellow farangs, as was the case here. Also it is a great hiding place for those being chased by angry and armed female Thai specimens. Personally I would never go in there as it does not seem very healthy experiencing a 60 degrees difference in temperature in just a couple of seconds. But Will, having consumed half a bottle of whiskey already, didn't care and neither did the Dutch guy of whom it was clear he had experience with this kind of shit. Absolut vodka is actually Swedish and not Russian. It is one of the best (and most expensive) vodkas on the market because it is made of grain and not of potatoes, like most Russian and cheaper vodkas. An Absolute shot is sold at 150 baht in the V2O ice bar. In a Russian tradition to beat the cold (or at least to give that impression), Dutchie and Will ordered vodka shots, one after the other.

Eventually they came out of the cabin facing the tropical evening heat, 25 minutes later! They both had 20 vodka shots! The Thai waiter also came out and was shaking even more than my friends. His eyelids were white and almost frozen together. It was a funny sight seeing a Thai bloke with a frozen face. Where the hell in Thailand did they find a guy willing to take this job? Ok, they'll do anything for money just like their female counterparts. Servicing farangs in a hotel room with the air-con set to 18 degrees C is one thing, but doing this (taking Thai resistance to the cold into account) for far less pay beats everything.

Will was in a very bad state and looked like he could fall apart any second. Guess the vodkas kicked in real fast so the cold get somewhat bearable. But then, when getting out of the ice bar, the heat slapped him right in the face. He managed to stumble through the lounge to the stairs supported by Nok, but then the lights went out completely for my friend. He missed the first step of the stairs and fell face down from the stairs in true comedy capers style. He rolled down all the way from the iron stairs and landed on Soi (not so) Happy, boozed and broozed. He looked like he had just lost a bare knuckle Muay Thai fight. With contusions and blood all over his face, arms, legs and back, Will was put in a cab by a few Thai blokes who came to his rescue as well as myself and then was transported to the hospital immediately. It's a miracle he didn't break any bones. Bad news is he felt pain with every move he made for the rest of his holiday (makes boom-boom not that enjoyable) plus he got to pay for the medical bills. And what about Dutchie ? Well, he settled to pay the 6000 baht bill for the vodkas and was happy Will did not suffer any permanent injuries. As he paid that large bill for drinks they both had, Will agreed that he didn't pay the 1,000 baht to Nok on top of that. Nok was pissed off big time not getting the 1000 baht although Will stayed in the ice bar for more than 15 minutes. But Will, diplomatic as always, solved this issue with some "taxi money". Afterwards, we all had a great laugh about the whole thing, and we were, and still are, happy to have met our Dutch friend.

Will is thinking about some kind of revenge action. He wants to get back to the Dutchman, but of course in a fun way and without any risks of any bodily damage (although an attack from the inside on the liver is permitted). He did not come up with anything yet, so if you creative Stickmanites out there have something in mind, it can be anything really, please let me know! Will would surely appreciate all feedback and will buy you drink in Fun City. Thanks!

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Stickman's thoughts:

Great, but scary story. That's got to be dangerous, with the huge differences in temperature between the ice box and the tropical Pattaya night. No way will you get me in there, that's for sure. Just as well that I genuinely don't like Vodka. (Blame that on two Englishmen in Copenhagen the night of the England vs. Cameroon match in the 1990 World Cup. Yes, I remember that night vividly because it was *that bad!*)

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