“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (19): Another Good Tilt With A Bargirl?”
Copyright March 2008
(Author “My Friend Yu – The Prosperity Mentor,” Copyright August 2007. Pantejo – Y.N. Vurce Publishing.)
“Prosperity: The eternal flow of all that’s good in life…”
*Below is the nineteenth episode based on a series of real life events experienced by the author. The only deviations from the truth may be the names of people and places. These stories are also incorporated in “My Friend Yu – the Prosperity Mentor: Book II,” Pantejo – Y.N. Vurce Publishing. Release Date: 2008.
The naïve customer (a person not savvy at “The Game” of Thai bars) doesn’t understand the following: The main thing a bargirl sees when a man comes into their bar is the amount of dollar signs he is capable of producing.
And, of course, bargirls are experts at helping customers part with their money!
This article is mainly for those fearless souls who, in spite of the discussions we had about Asian bargirl/Western Man Relationships in “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (18)…,” still insist on having a serious relationship with a bargirl.
– A Blissful State –
You believe that you have found a partner that loves you and makes you happy. She is young, beautiful, sweet, and sexy – everything you could not find in your home country, right?
Sure, she is not perfect, especially in the language and finance areas; but when you weighed the Pluses against the Minuses on Your Scale, the Scale tilted toward Obvious Compatibility.
– Devil’s Advocate –
Okay, now I got to be the a$$hole, the party-pooper, the spoiler, etc.
But I do this with ultimate empathy, my friend.
I do this because I don’t want you to end up as a statistic, one of the thousands of Farangs (Thai: foreigners) that think they’ve found the woman of their dreams, only to find out (in short order) that reality doesn’t match their idealized notions of co-habitation with an Asian woman.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but believe me, what I’ve got to say may:
- Save you a lot of heartache, headaches, and bankruptcy.
- Help you maintain (or improve) your current blissful state for as long as possible.
- Raise some questions whose answers, however distasteful, will make you a wiser Farang in Thailand.
– Questions –
Where did you meet your Thai girlfriend/wife?
In a bar?
I ask you this because the ole’ saying: “You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can’t take the bar out of the girl,” is a tried and true axiom.
The cruel fact is that there are only two times you can trust a Thai bargirl:
1) When she has just begun her career in the bargirl Profession and
2) When she is a bar-weary veteran, ready to retire.
All others are “in between” (i.e., still on “active duty,” practicing and perfecting their sex appeal, schemes, and routines).
A mid-career bargirl in “The Game” is quite a sight to be seen, indeed.
She means to be a key player in “The Game” and will do anything to get the most money, as fast as she can, from the “customer pool – men”.
For these women, men are only regarded as: past customers, prospective customers, current cash cows, or merely toy/playthings that pay).
In their minds, men are definitely not: friends, lovers, non-paying boyfriends or husbands; in short, men are merely things, not real people with feelings, hopes, and desires).
Why is this so?
Although each bargirl is a unique individual, the following are common reasons. In part or parcel, these conditions contribute to their cut throat callousness – the “sharp teeth within their cute, beautiful smiles”:
- Professional Objectivity (staying focused on making money before she gets too old and “unmarketable”).
- Protection from scoundrels (yes, there are many bad men out there).
- A lack of “good men role models” in their lives. That is, most of the men they’ve seen throughout their lives were usually uneducated, lazy, abusive, or unreliable, often disappearing from years to forever. This is common in the rural, poverty stricken areas “up country” – North Eastern Thailand.
- Protection from being emotionally hurt. Since most foreigners come and go rapidly, it’s stupid for them to get emotionally attached.
- The only support system they have is the Bar’s social network of fellow bargirls, Mamasans, clean-up boys, and “katoys” (Thai: transsexuals). Leaving the bar scene means venturing into scary, uncharted waters without her usual friends.
- Most are uneducated, not attending or finishing High School. What would they do and where would they go if they left the bar?
- They have tried (or simply dislike) regular “daytime jobs” and were disillusioned with the hard work and low pay. The bar scene is all they know. It can be fun. It’s easy – all one has to do is look pretty and entertain – AND definitely pays better.
It’s a system that swallows up thousands of “fresh from the farm” girls and spits out seasoned, “bar-tested” veterans.
– True Love? –
A young serviceman friend of mine in Japan told me that the woman (an Asian woman) he met at a bar in the infamous “honch” area outside of Yokosuka U.S. Naval Base was truly in love with him.
He actually considered asking her to marry him.
And he wanted some advice from “a salty dog” (meaning: me).
His naivety was painful to observe.
In him, I saw a young version of myself, full of all the right motives, but without the wherewithal that only comes from years of schlepping in and out of Asian bars.
My response to him?
“Go back there and tell her you’re out of money. Better yet, tell her that you want to move in with her, but you need to borrow money until payday. Good luck, son. I’ll talk to you next week.”
Of course, he was singing a totally different tune when I saw him a week later. He was very pissed-off and his comments about her were acidic, bordering on murderous.
I told him to chill out.
“Don’t’ take it personal. A girl’s gotta eat. Think of it this way: You’re mixing her business with your pleasure. If you really think it’s love, wait, wait, and wait! And for God’s sake always know where your valuables are!” I said.
I don’t’ know whether my words sunk in (or not) because I haven’t heard from him for over a decade now. I can only hope that my words prevented a few personal disasters.
Ah, bargirls. I could go on and on about them.
They’re amazing. Aren’t they?
They’re terrible. Aren’t they?
– Some Advice: Take it or Leave it, Your Choice –
Since only a fraction of one percent of Asian bargirl/Western man relationships succeed (usually because she is either a rookie or a ready-to-retire veteran), I will be submitting a short list of things to ponder at the end of this article.
If you met your “compatible partner” in a bar, I advise you to have a healthy paranoia.
Don’t go buying a car for her. Or even worse, a house in her name! (As ridiculous as this may sound, it happens frequently in Thailand).
In short, don’t go broke over her.
I have too many friends who have taken out unsecured, personal loans and maxed out their credit cards over bargirls who’ve long since disappeared.
In fact, I know of three individuals who came home from work to a barren house or apartment. No furniture, refrigerator, TV, stereo, clothes, dishes, etc.! Everything was gone! Nothing, I mean nothing was left! My friends literally had to borrow money for food and sheets!
Just wait and watch.
It might sound like a prison sentence to you, but waiting and watching not only protects you from being ransacked; it also gives you time to observe her true character – in every light.
A good rule of thumb, if she says she’s new, is at least triple the time she “says” she’s been working in the bar. Of course, you may never know the true length of her bargirl career; so it’s a safe bet to assume whatever she tells you about it is a “low-ball” lie.
If she’s a veteran, waiting at least 18 – 24 months is a conservative time span to consider.
Patience and wariness will prevent much of the emotional turmoil and financial catastrophes so commonly found among “ex” Asian bargirl/Western Man relationships.
Additionally, if she is (or looks) older than 20, look for the following hallmark signs of veteran bargirls:
- Nocturnal living. Even after months with you, she can’t get out of bed until 1:30 – 3:30PM. In fact, getting up early to see the sunlight gives her a raging headache. Also, she will display the demeanor of a vampire that has been violently disturbed from her cryptic slumber.
- She is a total slob (worse than Oscar from “The Odd Couple”) and can’t cook – even a piece of toast – because she’s too used to hotel cleaning staff, room service, restaurants, and 7 Eleven “cup noodles”.
- She appears to have very few belongings. Why? They are strewn about her co-workers apartments or “ex” boyfriend’s places. bargirls are like gypsies; they are experts at making hasty get-aways.
- She’s a spendthrift. Forget “like water through her fingers,” “air” is more like it! The cost of her “daily needs” easily surpass the normal, daily salary of any hardworking, college-educated, Thai worker.
- In spite of no formal schooling (i.e., a university degree or night English classes at a Language School), she suspiciously speaks above-average English.
- She disappears at a moment’s notice for hours and her explanation upon returning doesn’t hold water (a blatant lie).
- She can drink you under the table.
- You find drug paraphernalia.
- She always wants to include “her friends” in everything that you two do. In fact, she will always choose time with her bargirl comrades over any time alone with you. Her overdependence on (and lavish affection for) her girlfriends will have you wondering if she is actually a bi-sexual. (And I know what you’re thinking. No, she is not a bi-sexual who likes to share!).
- She’s constantly on the phone at odd hours with her “family,” especially the male members of her “family”.
If the majority of the above items describe your current partner, she is probably not in the “newbie” bargirl category: and therefore, should not be trusted without a long (a very long) trial period.
Sorry to be so blunt; but I must humbly confess that I’ve “been there and done that, mate”.
Again, when in doubt, wait, observe, and for God’s sake, protect yourself.
Did you hear me?
I said, “Wait. Observe. Then wait and observe some more.”
After that, you can make up your own mind based on your own real life, “hard-knocks” experience.
Continued in “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (20): Maintaining and Improving your Good Tilt.”
“Until next time, find ‘The Flow’ and jump in!”
Your Friend in this Intrepid Journey called Life,
Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Farang, Asia, compatible, relationship, bargirl, sex, pluses, minuses, advice, wait, watch, scale, needs, desires.
Note: If you want to read more about Asian and Western cultural differences, finding unconditional love, exorcising past personal demons, and the Illusive Secret of Happiness, please read the following articles:
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’: From Heartbreak to Happiness”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (2): Coincidence or Synchronicity: FROM RELAPSE TO MIRACLES…”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (3): LOST AND FOUND – Kindred Spirits and Mistakes made in Haste.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (4): LOST AND FOUND – Meant to Be?”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (5): “The Stray”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (6): “New Beginnings, Old Endings”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (7) – Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Myth”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (8) Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Reality, Stupidity, and Hard Knocks.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (9): New Girlfriend, New Life.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (10): Farangs and Asians – Polarized Views.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (11) – Farangs: In (or considering) a long-term Western/Asian Relationship? Read This Now!
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (12) – Farang: Square Peg, Round Hole? Compatibility Issues.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (13) – Farang: Compatibility Issues II”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (14) – Farang: Tipping the Scales. Good or Bad?”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (15) – Farang: Interpretation of Your Results.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (16) – Farang: Make Your Scale Sway or Walk Away.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (17) – Farang: Further Interpretation. Lopsided Scales.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (18): A Good Tilt with a bargirl?”
“How Dare She! Out of Desperation I Learned How to Forgive”
“Remember Who You Are!”
“Need to Heal Your Broken Heart? Read on. Overcome Heartbreak and Learn the Illusive Secret of Happiness.”
(By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo and published internet-wide, keyword: [title of article] or “Carl Pantejo”)
About the Author:
He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water. He went to Thailand 1 year ago for a week’s vacation, fell into a teaching job, and has never left!
Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Founder, Y.N. Vurce Publishing
He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water.
Lots of really good solid advice.