Stickman Readers' Submissions February 12th, 2008

Pattaya Memoires 1

Beach Road, Pattaya, 6 pm. I am sitting quietly in a beer bar by myself, having a soda, overlooking the scenery and observing the passers-by. This can be quite amusing at this location and hour of the day. But this time my attention was drawn away to what was happening just a couple of meters away. Some guy, I guess in his 30s, plainly tattooed (except for his face) arrives on a loud Yamaha R1 motorcycle. He seems to know a girl or two of the bar I was sitting in and he starts chatting and laughing and bragging about the motorcycle. Lots of noise and macho stuff going on. At a certain moment he gets off the motorcycle and invites one of the girls to sit on the bike. She has a seat (her feet can't reach the ground) and this farang starts to explain how the machine works. The girl has obviously no experience at all with a fast accelerating racing machine which the R1 is, she probably didn't even understand a word of what this farang was saying. Then the farang offers her to make a ride… A 20 year old bargirl with no motorcycle riding experience is going to try a killer speed machine at 7 pm in Beach Road and 2nd Road traffic! A farang's idea. Stupid farang.

He Clinic Bangkok

She hesitates but Mr. Stupidfarang insists and off she went, of course not wearing a helmet… After 10 minutes she still wasn't back. The farang wasn't laughing anymore, he started getting more and more nervous each minute, standing on the sidewalk trying to spot the girl in the traffic or checking his watch. Eventually he was looking as pale as if somebody had put a whole pot of that white powder bargirls use on his face. Then the girl came back into sight. Nice and slowly. She and the motorcycle seemed intact. Guess she never got to second gear… Clever bargirl…or not?


2. Get excited in Xzyte

CBD bangkok

Ask a Pattaya bargirl where she wants to go after you have barfined her. Apart from the usual and very original "up to you" or “go loom”, you have a pretty good chance your tilac wants to "go Xzyte". Xzyte, located on 3rd Road, as many of you already know, is a large hall which looks like a disco and has nearly everything a disco has : a good light-show, a DJ, lots of people and pounding beats. It is not a "normal" disco : there is no dance floor as such. Instead, it has a large stage and around the stage are tables and bar stools on several levels. You can dance if you want to, and lots of people do, between the tables. In fact the Xzyte is some kind of Thai cabaret club / disco. There is a live-band performing popular international and Thai songs and the songs are sung by Thai singers. The singers are professionals and are accompanied by both male and (breathtaking) female dancers. Probably some of them are ladyboys.

Is it good? Yes. It is good. But do not compare it with professional cabarets you can see in Paris or Vegas, because these are the top. It is definitely worth going to, let's say for a change when you're spending quite some time in Pattaya. The show is good and the costumes, which are very nice, change with every song. The female dancers are really sexy and I noticed the Thai girls really getting excited watching the Thai male performers. The show takes about 30 minutes and is then followed by the DJ playing all kinds of dance music. After a while another, different, show is put on. Thais love it, your tilac will go crazy! Take it from me : invite your tilac to Xzyte and she'll boom-boom your brains out afterwards.

The place is full of Thai people, stunning Thai girls, mostly with their Thai boyfriends. You feel these people look down on you and your Isaan girlfriend, but don't worry, she won't mind. But you definitely won't be the only farang annex bargirl there as many bargirls lure their big spender into Xzyte. XZyte is quite expensive by Thai standards. The waiters are real pests and continuously check the level of your drink.

It goes like this : once you emptied about 70 % of whatever drink you are having, waiter number 1 asks you if you would like another drink. Of course you don't want another one now, as your bottle is not empty yet. You say no, thank you.

wonderland clinic

1 minute later : waiter number 2 checks your bottle and asks if you would like "1 more ?". You say no, leave me alone krap.

1 minute later : waiter number 3 arrives asking you the same question. You tell hem to piss off.

Not even 1 minute after that waiter 1 decides it is time to work on his commission and invites you to have another, way too expensive drink. You tell him to go to Mae Hon Song and that you'll order another drink when he gets back krap.

Waiter number 2 is lined up behind number 1 ready to pop the same question because he knows you'll eventually order a drink, because you're thirsty or just to get these pestering waiters off your back. Good Thai thinking here! Do yourself a favor : order a bottle of Thai whiskey. Your tilac will be happy and the waiters will pester somebody else for a while. By the way : I noticed that only farangs were pestered by the waiters. Thai people were left alone so they could enjoy the show. Nobody will be surprised about that.

As a part of some show there is a ladyboy telling jokes…in Thai. Apparently she seems to be very funny as all Thais laugh their asses off, but you have to listen to this crap for over 20 minutes, not understanding anything this strange creature is saying. I must say I don't speak any Thai but I heard the word "farang" a lot in his / her performance, each time followed by hordes of Thais laughing themselves to death (I wish the waiters actually did!) I asked my sweetheart what was going on and she replied, "Him hope farang no speak Thai". That's a clear answer, of course it is the only thing I got out of her regarding this subject. Too bad, or maybe not…

Another drawback is the sound level. As usual in places like this in Thailand, it is impossible to say a word to anyone and be understood. The volume is pumped up to the limit. When you get out you have to watch out for traffic and take a very good look when you cross the street, because chances are quite high you won't hear a car or taxi coming your way even when the driver is hooting like a madman to get one's attention. Your practically deaf when you get out of the Xzyte.

Drawback number 3 concerns the DJ. After a couple of dance sessions you find yourself willing to pay this man a lot of money. A lot of money to shut his face up. After each track he played, he announces the title and performer as well as verbal advertising, along with a shitload of "kraps", for whatever they sell at the premises.

And then there is the toilet experience. Don't forget to take a piss when you're in Xzyte. It really is some kind of "never before" experience. When you enter the toilet, 2 toilet waiters (as I call them) are wai-ing you, they stay there, wai-ing customers who take a leak all evening. A toilet maid is continuously sweeping the floor. Whilst you are taking a piss, a "sanitary assistant" flushes the toilet every 10 seconds. He stays right behind you the whole time you are pissing and puts his arm next to you to flush. When you wash your hands, somebody puts a warm wet towel on your neck. You don't have to dry your hands yourself, no, the hand drying toilet waiter does this for you. This ceremony happens quite fast and fluently and these people look very experienced in their jobs. But one thing seems to be missing : I had to unzip my pants myself! I guess the pants-unzipping-toilet waiter didn't turn up that day…

Thais have strange habits. While the singers and dancers are doing their thing, which is singing and dancing, Thai spectators offer them drinks and food. I have never seen this anywhere else. Can you image the absurdity of this? The artists do not refuse the offers from the fans, probably out of respect or in order not to have them loose face, I don't know, so the singers try to sing their song with their mouths full of all sorts of food! This is really crazy, but absolutely entertaining.

To have a great unusual night out and a lot of fun (if you are able to deal with the waiters) : "go Thailand, go Pattaya, go Xzyte".

Stickman's thoughts:

I really enjoyed these anecdotes – and hope you have a few more to tell us. This could develop into a nice little series.

The toilet brigade is very much a Thai entertainment centre thing. Many of these loud disco type places have similar and I have yet to find a Westerner who didn’t find it all a little awkward. The funniest one I ever heard was of one guy who was given a massage while he was taking a leak and the Thai guy then someone tried to lift him off the ground in some back cracking manoeuvre and his aim went way off!

nana plaza