Readers' Submissions

The Brokenman Is Repaired Part 8

  • Written by Phet
  • January 1st, 2008
  • 48 min read



The heady smell of tropical tarmac and aviation fuel as you disembark the aircraft is the first indication that you have returned to your spiritual home.

In less than an hour I am through the wonderful Suvarnabhumi airport and checking into the Nana Hotel. The now well practiced procedure of pitching my bag, showering and changing into an appropriate drinking shirt is executed with characteristic efficiency. Within 15 minutes I am in the Nana’s Golden bar where the usual suspects Frugal Phil and Union Hill are waiting to force a cold beer upon me.

The welcoming pleasantries are quickly concluded and it’s off to Soi Cowboy the most salacious of the sois of Sukhumvit. A visit to Tilac sees a work in progress which will be impressive once construction is complete. A trip to Sheba’s whets my appetite before proceeding to the Dollhouse. With the minimum of delay I barfine the delightful Bel and convey her back to my hotel with somewhat indecent haste. Whereupon she proceeded to skillfully remove the metaphorical hump on my back which was the product of six months of sexual celibacy.

If gentle reader at this juncture you feel a vague familiarity or even a tiresome hint of repletion it may be an opportune time to hit the return key. The casual peruser perceiving this as just another mongering field report, daunted at its length and having read Stickman’s comments at the end will have already sought the exit .

The Star Trek fans may find comparison in that generally the big screen movies with an even number are the ones it was acceptable to miss. As this missive is part 8 they can also be excused for transporting themselves away.

I maintain my unevacuated seminal vessels were like WMD’s and left another few days may have exploded resulting in an environmental catastrophe of Chernobyl proportions. So the socially concerned citizens amongst you may draw comfort that with the draining of the contents of my gonads an ecological disaster to the environs and inhabitants of greater Sukhumvit is averted and can therefore depart with an easy conscience.

For those of sterner stuff with stouter constitutions, particularly the two or three stalwarts who consistently read my ramblings, there is a slightly different focus in this missive. In addition to the usual meandering exploits of my carousing and mongering I aim to also report on my continuing encounters with respectable Thai ladies.

But before I develop on this theme I must expand upon events which had a resonance beyond this submission and were the genesis of Union Hills “An Alcoholic Collage” subsequently published on Thailand stories.

The following morning I awake late and take a belated breakfast at Bully’s with the delightful Bel. I have been somewhat captivated by this enchanting temptress for the 18 months I have known her. I acknowledge it is all about money but she is a real cutie without apparent guile who has managed to retain an air of innocence despite her vocation.

After a leisurely but entertaining couple of hours she leaves and I take an amble around the Nana district renewing acquaintance with the girls in various bars until it was time to meet up with Phil at the Booza bar in Soi 7 / 1.

Frugal Phil an Asia veteran of over 20 years is somewhat of a legend in Sukhumvit circles. His nickname comes from his intimate knowledge of all the happy hours, free buffets and where to obtain the cheapest beer at any time of day. He is believed to be the only guy to get a credit note for a bar fine from a gogo bar. He is also the chap who introduced me to the delights of the land of vertical smiles persuading me to make my first visit to the Kingdom some four years ago when I was at my lowest ebb. For this I am indebted to him. He is a good pal and takes an almost fatherly interest in my welfare.

An hour or so later Union Hill turns up somewhat the worse for wear and still in the clothes he wore the previous evening. This is a good indication that he has not been home and an interesting tale is in the offing. Unfortunately he had little recollection of what had occurred since leaving us the previous evening. I suspect from previous experience it would be some time before he recovers from his transient amnesia.

One of the girls in the bar was a good sport and had the most amazing pair of legs shown to great effect by a short cotton dress. Our harmless groping was met with an assertion of her virtue. Her demure claims she was only a Waitress and had never gone with a customer were entertaining and triggered Union Hill’s mischievous streak. His offer to purchase her underpants for 500 baht precipitated their immediate removal with the minimum of ceremony. With her panties in Union Hill’s pocket her modesty is cast asunder, she sits on all our laps in turn and absolutely revels in the tactile attention. By the time we chek bin and depart she was as moist as a housemaids dish cloth.

Our objective that evening was a karaoke bar in Silom. Union Hill had wanted to indulge in this activity for some time but couldn’t persuade any of his other mates to participate. He knew I was up for most things so waited for my visit. Despite his uncanny resemblance to Bryn Terfel the opera singer I had always alleged he was the only Welshman who couldn’t sing which I think peeved him slightly. The Bar was frequented mainly by Asians and as opposed to karaoke’s in the UK where you sing on stage when called up, the microphone(s) were passed around the bar to any one who fancied singing the current number being played. This was a much better arrangement as there was more numbers presented and it allowed a couple of assertive farang to hog the mikes.

Union Hill covered the repertoires of Tom Jones, Frank Sinatra and Neil Diamond and I covered everything else they had in the somewhat limited catalogue. I now withdraw my statement that Union Hill can not sing; he actually has a fine baritone voice. With a bit of practice by my next visit we can be doing the famous duet “Au fond du temple saint" from Bizet’s opera “The Pearl Fishers” although I doubt many karaoke’s carry that piece of music.

The evening was slightly marred by a potentially ugly incident more typical of Pattaya than Bangkok with arrival of a loud aggressive English drunk. Hearing my Blackcountry accent prompted him to launch a tirade of abuse at me. Why some blokes think one should be amused at their accent being ridiculed is one of the mysteries of life. I have a black belt in football hooliganism and had already performed what my eldest son calls the risk assessment as soon as he walked in. I had by now established where I was going to hit him and with what if it became necessary. He quickly identified from my demeanour that I was not the least bit intimidated by him and he turned his attention to Union Hill on an adjacent stool.

The foolishness of this action can only be fully appreciated by anyone who knows Union Hill and has seen him in the flesh. On feeling threatened Union Hill stepped off the stool, expanded his not unsubstantial bulk and gave him a scowl that must have inspired sheer terror on the Rugby pitches of West Glamorgan some 25 years ago. It certainly put the wind up our erstwhile antagonist causing him to nervously break wind, immediately sober up and visibly deflate before our eyes. Misunderstandings were explained, profuse apologies offered (and accepted), and beers purchased for us by our new friend. All was right with the world again but we made him sing a Bee Gees number as penance.

All sung out we repaired to a pleasant bar nearby frequented by local office workers. The music was loud but in keeping with the youthful ambiance of the bar. We were immediately hit upon by a couple of young girls an occurrence which still surprises me even after 8 visits to the Kingdom. I was enthralled by a delightful woman with exotic Khmer features but I was still pissing Birmingham water and unsure about my chances with her, a naivety which amused Union Hill no end.

We took our final couple of drinks at the Safari in Patpong which allowed Union Hill a quiet moment to reflect on his lost 24 hours which he still could not recall. By this time it was almost 03.00 o’clock and deciding we had drunk enough to be totally refreshed hailed a taxi. The taxi took me to the Nana hotel and Union Hill back to his matrimonial home, most likely to a week under house arrest with servings of cold tongue pie.

Saturday morning I wake early for breakfast and catch the sky train to Victory Monument. I had an assignation with Annie who was on her way from Ayuthaya to meet me. Annie is a friend of Joyce, a Thai lady I know who lives in England. Joyce is an enigma and I referred to her in a recent submission about Asian girls in Blighty. She lives in a seaside town in the north East Midlands which is an unusual choice of residence for a Thai lady. She is 42 and hails originally from Ayuthaya where she worked as a nurse for 20 years. She lives in the UK on her pension and the support of a rich family. She is Chinese Thai, astute and highly intelligent. She is striking rather than beautiful but I must confess I really fancy her. My affections and romantic aspirations are unfortunately not reciprocated; she once informed me she would only consider me as a lover if a tsunami wiped out every other man on the planet. However she evidently values my friendship as on her recent visit to Thailand introduced her friend Annie to me via emails and text messages.

Annie is 36 years old, from Ayuthaya, works in a stationary supply office by day and sells clothes from a market stall by night. She is resourceful and hard working. She has never married although has two children by a long absent Thai boyfriend. She is fair skinned, slim, attractive and at 5’7 quite tall by Thai standards. She also possesses an unbelievably superb pair of legs that seem to go on forever. Unlike many Thai girls who dress like a traffic accident she knows how to dress with class and deport herself appropriate to most situations.

We meet at the entrance to the BTS station. She tells me she walked past me twice to check because I look much younger in the flesh than in my photos and was far more handsome than Joyce described me. This immediately endears her to me although I make a note to inspect her bag for a white stick and a guide dogs lead. We return to Sukhumvit as she wanted to drop her bag at my hotel.

We take a detour to have lunch at the Bus Stop. Kate one of the waitresses has always been friendly with me and on greeting me engages Annie in conversation. Kate plays a blinder telling Annie what a marvellous man I am. After a pleasant lunch we return to my room and whilst Annie talks with her daughter on her mobile I lie on the bed and close my eyes for just for a moment.

Twenty minutes later I am gently awoken by tender kisses and with only a mild protest I let her have her wicked way with me. This is not the first time I have been pleasantly surprised by the strength of passion exhibited by an ordinary respectable Thai lady. She tells me that it had been quite some time since she had enjoyed the comfort of a man.

A couple of hours later I am enjoying the uncomplicated delight of watching a beautiful girl preparing to go out for the evening. The simple domestic intimacy of observing a girl dressing, doing her hair and applying her makeup is a pleasure I do not have in my current monastic existence and one I miss immensely.

The final result of her endeavour was most impressive. A short modern hairstyle contoured her lightly made up face to perfection. A simple but elegant short white dress and matching high heels show her magnificent legs to great effect. She looked wonderful and I was not too surprised to see a few heads turn as we progressed through the Nana lobby towards the Landmark hotel. Dinner at the Huntsman bar was pleasant. I am always impressed by the Philippine band that plays there but Annie was entranced by their spirited performance of some old soul classics.

I have found with my respectable ladies that once they have passed the initial reticence of being with a farang they become quite adventurous, so my enquiry if she wanted to see a gogo bar was met with an almost childlike enthusiasm. I take her to the Angelwitch where she sits mesmerised by the spectacle of the impressive little cabaret shows they present. When we return to the Nana hotel it is clear she has enjoyed the evening immensely and is startlingly passionate with me.

The next day is Sunday so as promised; we go shopping around the Siam area. Like most Thai girls she knows how to shop with serious intent. Although I thoroughly enjoyed her delightful company after a couple of hours I was exhausted. We end up in Central World at Toys R Us to purchase a child’s scooter for her youngest daughter. These little domestic intimacies are part of the magic for me and are worth the few quid I invariably fork out in the process.

On our return to the Nana hotel we indulge ourselves in a leisurely afternoon session until it is time for her to return to Ayuthaya. She had left her youngest daughter in the care of a cousin for the weekend and had to return to work the following morning. At 6.00 in the evening I see her off in a taxi to the bus station loaded down with armloads of purchases to take back with her. I was definitely sad to see her go but we had arranged to meet the following weekend.

I ponder what a sweet natured and appealing girl she is and what a delightful couple of days I had just spent. I also reflect that I had spent considerably more money on this respectable lady than two days with a bar girl would have cost me. However I am realistic enough to realise that it is obviously going to cost me for being with a beautiful girl 17 years my junior in any culture. She was lovely and worth every penny I spent on her.

On her departure I repair to the Nana Plaza and have a beer against the rail in the bar at the entrance to the Plaza. I reflect the loss of the Big Mango bar which was a natural bolthole for these situations. At 9.00 I observe a tradition and repair to the Angels disco see the enchanting dance troupe do their first set. I love the simple routines performed by these charming young girls who so obviously enjoy dancing. The syncopated Isaan / Laos rhythms that accompany them are hypnotic and addictive and my vacation is incomplete if I do not see them at least once.

I take a motorbike taxi (and my life in my hands) to Soi cowboy to have a look at the new Spice girl’s bar. It is nicely appointed but I am surprised at the number of quite fat girls dancing on the poles. I get accosted by the ubiquitous older hostess that these bars always employ who feel I only exist for their personal amusement and enrichment. I eventually escape to Jungle Jims to buy a drink or two for Joy and Glad a couple of older girls I have been pals with for a few years. I do not stay long as this bar is notorious for separating a man from his money with a ruthless efficiency. I visit Suzy Wong’s and Sheba’s both of which have some absolutely delicious girls. It is then I realise I am too exhausted from the recent ministrations of my Ayuthaya angel to consider taking a girl that evening. I am clearly out of practice and out of condition. I return to the hotel and have the best night’s sleep I have had for ages.

The next morning I check out of the Mothership for my pilgrimage to Pattaya. The taxi journey is an opportunity for a little quiet reflection.

My Siamese sojourns have become not only my sole avenue for sex it is my only opportunity for female contact of any description.

I am acutely conscious of what a sad old tosser I appear to have become. It is quite embarrassing to admit it but in the UK I can not even get a date at the moment let alone a sexual encounter.

According to a recent submission this failure to attract western women is clearly the result of my own inadequacies and total lack of social skills. Apparently I am a social misfit who has failed to keep pace with the changes in western society. Knowing this is a huge relief and a weight off my mind. I need not write adverse comments about western women again.

Back home in England I make contact with Thai ladies on sites like TLL subsequently developing those contacts on MSN. In 3 years I have corresponded with over 40 Thai girls. Over time some get bored (or find a better offer) and new girls join the circle of contacts. At any one time I have about 8 girls in regular correspondence with me of which 4 have kept contact with me for over 2 years now. Once a rapport is established and the timing is expedient I arrange to meet selected girls on one of my biannual visits to the kingdom. On each of my last three visits I have met a couple of these ladies and taken them to dinner. Whilst not all have been unmitigated successes some of these encounters have been both fascinating and highly agreeable experiences

I consider these episodes as legitimate dates and they break the routine of my usual mongering. I am slowly gaining a circle of respectable and interesting Thai lady friends which includes civil servants, nurses and teachers.

In the 10 days remaining on this trip I had arranged to meet 4 new ladies (plus a return engagement the following weekend with the delightful Annie). With Paulette to meet in Pattaya, Jenny in Rayong and Sara and Netty on my return to Bangkok if I wanted to fit in any bar girls it required I plan my schedule like a military campaign.

I check into the Opey de Place where my old friend Nat is waiting to meet me. Those acquainted with my ramblings know a central theme in previous submissions has been my association with Nat who was my first TGF back in 2003. Although we are no longer intimate our relationship has developed in the subsequent years; we have become true friends, regularly keep in touch and I always spend some time with her on my visits to the Kingdom.

She acquired a rich farang patron and manages his business interests in the Kingdom for a good salary. She also owns a transport business, a property development and a small retail outlet in her own right. All her enterprises are profitable and she lives a very comfortable lifestyle. Since my last visit she has lost a lot of the weight she had put on previously and although still a little chubby dresses well to hide it. She looked good although she overdoes the gold jewellery somewhat.

We continue our conversation over Dinner at Sizzlers. One of Nat’s best assets is the sweetest most melodious voice I have ever heard. To listen to her talk about even the most mundane subjects is a delight. Whilst she appreciates her good fortune and the privileged lifestyle she enjoys it is evident she is weary of the lonely existence she leads as Mia noi (mistress) to a rich man. He only comes to Thailand twice a year for two or three weeks at a time. She is having less sex than even me so is most appreciative of the toys I bring her.

Since we discontinued our intimacy I am in the habit of bringing her a new vibrator every time I visit. It started off with a small one as a bit of a joke but they got progressively larger and powerful in subsequent visits. The last one was a most impressive state of the art model requiring 4 batteries and capable of shaking loose the fillings in her teeth. The one I bought for her this time is more modest however.

I know something of her benefactor through my own contacts and discern he is wealthy and moves in quite elevated circles of British society. I can also confirm he is a smug self righteous prude. I admire Nat for staying faithful to this humourless man although I acknowledge the large salary is adequate motivation.

She intimated she was in need of some distraction and I am the perfect friend to offer some low brow entertainment. As we take a stroll down Walking Street she informs me it is the first time she has been here since she came with me in November 2003. We have a couple of drinks in FLB but it is very quiet that night. Nat asks if we can visit a gogo bar. Inquisitive about Ricky’s new bar Sisterz we take a look in the hope I can say hello to him. It looks a reasonable bar but Ricky is not there so after one drink we move on to the Angelwitch.

I love the Angelwitch in Pattaya it is more tourist orientated than its sister bar in Bangkok. The dek serve girls recognise me from previous visits and give me personal attention and a first class service all night. Nat clearly loved it and sat enthralled at the cabaret shows. I am unsure if the recent addition of Katoeys into the shows adds any value but that is just my opinion. At around midnight Nat wanted to go home. With the amount of gold jewellery she was wearing I was reluctant to let her travel alone back to her car which was parked in the Royal garden plaza. I proposed returning with her by baht bus to collect her car then I would return to Walking Street to continue my carousing.

Knowing how the sangtaew mafia works around Walking Street I suggested walking around the corner into Second Road and jumping on a passing baht bus. This we do but we had only travelled 20 yards when the driver stops gets out and asks where we are going, I could not believe the gall of the man. In stopping he was trying to change the transaction from a 10 baht regular route fare to a 100 baht plus private hire charge. I am ashamed to say I lost the usual composure I always display when in the kingdom and I lost it big time!

I screamed at him “just get back in the cab and drive you thieving bastard, you know the rule”. He ignores me and again asks Nat who not understanding the situation tells him our destination. I try to get Nat to get off the vehicle with me but she still does not understand what is happening. “I am not paying you any more than 10 baht” I shout as he returns to his cab but I know I have already lost. Nat is surprised at my uncharacteristic anger and has no experience of travelling by baht bus so I explain the situation. I inform her he would now ask for about 200 baht for this journey. I tell her I will refuse to pay it and will let the police come and argue it out. Now I am well aware of the futility of my position and conscious that if the police did arrive I am automatically in the wrong because I am farang. I am also certain I would get a good beating from the driver and his colleagues. The money was inconsequential but I am sure all of you have experienced that tipping point in dealings with the Thais that sparks an irrational rage and mai pen rai just will not placate you.

We arrive at the Royal garden plaza and Nat jumps off and goes to the cab before me. A few words are exchanged but she preserves her decorum and maintains the celebrated Thai face. However as he drives away I see an uncharacteristic irritation in her appearance.

He wanted 200 baht but I gave him just 100 baht”. She exclaimed “I told him he is an evil man who will die a painful and lonely death and would return in the next life as a flea on the backside of a Soi dog” she then gave a big smile and broke into laughter.

I walk with her to her car my annoyance gone. After seeing her off safely l catch a baht bus back to Walking Street (fare 10 baht). The amusing thing about Nat’s Buddhist curse is that she is actually a practicing Roman Catholic.

Back at Walking Street I peruse a couple of gogo bars. I end up in Secrets talking to a rather pleasant chatty hostess until I realise that once again I am too inebriated to do anything but take a motorcycle taxi back to the Opey for some much needed beauty sleep.

I arranged to meet Nat for lunch at royal garden plaza but on arrival found a power cut had closed the complete Mall down. Whilst I am sitting outside waiting, many people attempt to enter the locked doors despite reading the sign notifying of the closure. Being a helpful chap I would explain the situation to those arriving. When I did so to a young light skinned Thai girl she flashed me a huge smile, sat beside me and began chatting to me. She informed me she worked in an office in Chiang Mai and was on holiday with her friend. Her friend had met a guy from Singapore last night so she had taken a stroll to leave their shared room to them. She happily chatted away for 10 minutes then said her farewells. This innocent interchange between an attractive young girl and a man of maturing years could only happen in Thailand.

Eventually Nat appeared, so we take a long leisurely lunch in the Ruen Thai restaurant opposite. We end up at Big C where we spend a couple of hours shopping for nothing in particular. She gives me a lift to the Opey in her new car. It is a Toyota Fortuna which with 3 litres of raw power under the bonnet is the very epitome of a real mans vehicle. You need to wear a Stetson or oilman’s steel hat to drive one. Nat had already embellished it with baby pink seat covers and Barbie doll accessories which I considered sacrilege.

That evening I was meeting up with Materialsman another member of the stickman congregation. We have corresponded for some time but my last visit we did not get together as he had problems with his rather fascinating but complicated domestic arrangements. He now had them under control. He is an amiable bloke, with a nicely understated modesty and a well balanced philosophy on life typical of intelligent ex pats. As an aside he drives a Fortuna and would probably have apoplexy if he saw how Nat had feminised her vehicle.

Like Phil and Union Hill he is also amused at my current fascination with older Thai ladies. We have a beer or two in Secrets and explore a few establishments including Super baby and its sister bar. A more pleasant companion you would be hard pressed to find.

I have been 8 times to Pattaya but he still managed to show me a few new bars I had not seen before. Beach club was a nice surprise and I was quite taken with one delightful hostess who with gorgeous long silky hair looked like a shampoo advert. We went in one amazing bar, (I think it was called Heavens Above) with a striking white décor and some outstanding girls.

At about midnight he had to leave as he had a hot supper and a warm Mia Noi waiting in his number 2 residence that understandably held more attraction than drinking with me. When he departed I returned to Beach club with the aim of collecting the raven haired hostess who took my fancy. A young guy was already in negotiations with her but for some reason she preferred me. I barfined her with all good speed and rushed her back to the Opey.

She was 27 years old, delicious with a superb unblemished body and a strikingly beautiful face framed by her exquisite long hair. She was a delectable little poppet. During the proceedings I detected an inclination to go starfish until I warmed her up with my new vibrator. Next morning we had breakfast together but I could not get her interested in extending the arrangement for a Thai Girl Friend Experience.

I have a quiet indolent day. I check the internet and one of my TLL girls Gail unexpectedly pops up on MSN. I have corresponded with her for a few months but had not made arrangements to meet her as my dance card was getting pretty full. In her early 30s Gail works in a real estate office in Pattaya, she is very bright and our interchanges are entertaining. She was born in Bangkok where she studied for her business degree joining her current boss on graduation. When her employer seeing the opportunities moved her business to Pattaya 5 years ago Gail came with her.

She was surprised I was in Pattaya but pleased when I offered to take her for dinner that evening. I met up with her and the inevitable chaperone and we had dinner at a sea food restaurant in Walking Street. Gail is the classic office girl, pretty, pale, plump and prissy. She also seemed quite shy. Her friend Kae however was a different kettle of fish, dark sultry and spirited. When Gail explained her single status was the result of years of studying, working hard and then uprooting to Pattaya which left her little time to date men, her friend remarked no it is just because she is unattractive. They are good fun and Gail accepted her friends gentle teasing (which continued all evening) with good humour. At their request I promised to take them dancing but was astonished at their suggestion that they take me to see a Pussy show first.

I have seen the shows at Queens Castle in Patpong and the format was similar. The balloon bursting with a dart from a blowpipe was impressive but when I saw a balloon held some 10 yards away but in my line of sight some instinctive memory made me duck just as a dart flew past my ear and embed itself in the table behind me. I have kept this dart as a souvenir of how close I came to an involuntary ear piercing. There was a bit of excitement when an alarm went off, the performers vacated the stage in double quick time as the gogo girls replaced them in innocent dance. The impression was it was a police raid and many off the farang patrons (over)paid their bin and left.

A couple of beers later we left and as promised went to Lucifer’s. I am not keeneow but I could not believe the price of drinks there. They would embarrass a London hotelier. I remember the Alan Whicker BBC documentary from 100 years ago which featured the Marine disco. After 8 trips I still had not visited it. This omission was rectified that evening but what a disappointment it proved to be. The music was crap and very loud and at midnight there was only the three of us and two Russian hookers there.

I salvaged the evening by taking them to the ZAB bar. Here the extremely competent 7 piece show band entertained us. They have two girl singers; the one was very sexy but couldn’t sing worth a knob of goat shit. However the other girl who at 4’10 looked 12 years old could sing like a miniature Aretha Franklin. Her interpretation of “I can see clearly now” and “Say a little prayer” were moving and highly original. My companions clearly enjoyed the evening with me but I had ascertained quite early in the proceedings that Gail did not really fancy me. So when it was time to say our farewells I was a perfect gentleman and did not press my attention.

The next morning I take a taxi to Rayong to meet Jenny. Jenny is the definitive respectable professional Thai lady. She definitely falls into the category of “yellow shirt” as described in a recent well observed submission by Dr Blue.

Jenny is 40 holds a Masters degree and is employed by the Government as a health educator. We have corresponded for over a year and her communication with me is a distinct cut above the rest of my ladies. She is excruciatingly intelligent and puts a genuine effort in the content, composition and grammar of her letters to me.

She is graceful and elegant and has many fascinating hobbies and interests including running Marathons. If she lived in the UK I would marry her tomorrow. The dichotomy is that if she did live in the UK she probably wouldn’t give me a second glance.

We enjoy lunch together and spend a pleasant few hours chatting and strolling around the shopping Mall. I am also introduced to some of her work colleagues who “just happen to be in the Mall “at the time, which in itself was amusing and entertaining.

I feel our initial meeting is a success and decide I have achieved as much as I am likely to on a first date with a charming but conservative Thai lady. So we say our farewells and I return to Pattaya. I resolve next time I visit to book into a hotel in town and take her to dinner. I have certainly not closed the chapter on this story.

Nat phones me on my return to see if I am free for dinner and drives to the Opey to meet me. She wants to repeat the visit to Walking Street but with typical absence of forethought she has her sister Gow and her infant with her who does not want to stay alone in Nat’s secluded house. I solve the dilemma by suggesting Gow and her child stay in my room at the Opey whilst we go out. Seeing the bed and the TV Gow is quite happy with my suggestion. I was amazed that Gow is so comfortable with me she pops out a delightful breast and feeds her infant baby without concern for my presence.

We stroll down Soi Diana then walk through Mikes Mall to get to Beach Rd. Taking Nat through a shopping Mall is like herding cats and it takes 45 minutes to walk through. Once in Walking Street I take her to see the Pussy show I observed the previous evening. Nat was spellbound by the show. Having seen it before, I was more interested in observing the audience. Surprisingly there were hardly any men there. The majority of the spectators were western women, everyone with a disgusted expression on their face. They were obviously there to observe how sordid and degrading the spectacle was. When they return home to Bristol, Brisbane or Baltimore they can describe to their friends in the typing pools and teachers lounges in great detail how degrading it is to the sisterhood .

Now I believe within 200 yards of where I sat there are bars showing men bumming each other, using the tradesman’s entrance or Moving faecal material uphill without the aid of a wheelbarrow.

I know I would be revolted by the spectacle and I do not feel the urge to visit and view afore mentioned arse banditry to know I would be appalled. Yet these western women felt compelled to view a spectacle they know will offend them. I will never understand them as long as I have a hole up my ass (oops unfortunate choice of metaphor there).

Interestingly at exactly the same time as the previous evening an alarm went off and the same routine of the dancers quickly replacing the performers was repeated. Again the threat of the boys in brown had most of the farang patrons (over) paying their bin and leaving with indecent haste. Far be it from me to suggest it but it appeared that the “police raid” is an integral part of the act to add a frisson of peril to the proceedings.

Nat and I repair to Secrets bar for a late supper before we return to the Opey to collect Gow and infant who are sleeping comfortably on my bed. As always, I am impressed by the adaptability of Thai girls to sleep anywhere and under any circumstance.

The next day I had arranged to meet Paulette another of my TLL / MSN girls who I had corresponded with for some time. She owns a shop and lives near Siracha a few miles outside Pattaya. At 46 she is the oldest Thai girl I have met and I must admit I begun to have doubts about meeting her. What had seemed a good idea in my lonely bedroom in England has a different perspective after 10 days in the Kingdom.

When I do meet her (and the ubiquitous chaperone who works in her shop with her) I am pleasantly surprised. Although the bloom of youth has gone she is still very attractive and I would be happy to have her on my arm in a pub in Dudley. Over lunch she is giggly and coquettish which is quite charming and unexpected. I am still uncertain about taking this encounter any further and when we had finished eating I declare the onset of a headache as a pretext to escaping. The chaperone Dao is a very perceptive girl with good English skills and when Paulette departs to the toilet explains a few things to me. It appeared Paulette had not been with a man since her husband left her some 3 years ago. She had become fascinated with me but was naturally reluctant to meet a farang. However now she had summoned up the courage was excited about the adventure and Dao requested I not disappoint her. When Paulette returned Dao suggested she return to my hotel with me and give me a massage to relieve my headache.

The massage was skilful and led inevitably to other horizontal activities. She had a slim firm body many girls half her age would be proud of. I have known girls of 20 with quims like a badly packed kebab. However Paulette at 45 was unusually tight and had pussy lips like Harry Rednap’s eyelids. Her physical reaction was unmistakably real and liquid. The sex was unexpectedly enthusiastic and fervent probably born of a hunger impelled by her years of going without.

I took her to dinner at a fish restaurant in Walking Street and we ended up at the ZAB bar which she clearly enjoyed. Back at the Opey we continued our horizontal tango. Although I admit I am no great shakes as a lover generally, that evening I think I was quite impressive and I turned in an England performance. I was creative in my build up, displayed consistently good control and quite devastating in the box. if Steve MacLaren the England team manager had been sitting at the edge of the bed watching me I would have been selected for the national team or at least made the squad.

The following morning after I see her off, I check out of the Opey and take a taxi back to Bangkok. Annie is waiting for me in the lobby of the Nana and she rushes me up to my room for a little afternoon delight. We later take a late lunch at the bus stop and return to the room. I must have eaten something that disagreed with me. I am violently ill and spend the next hour or so praying to the porcelain altar. Too exhausted to go out Anna spent the evening exercising her nursing skills. Under her tender care by midnight I had recovered enough to administer a gentle servicing to her as a thank you for her compassionate attention.

The next day Annie wanted to go to Pratunam to buy some stock for her market stall. I didn’t feel up to a shopping expedition so feigning sickness I gave her a wad of money and suggested she goes shopping alone. She returned within a couple of hours excited at the purchases she had made. She had already worked out the profit margin she was going to make on them when she sold them back in Ayuthaya. I must admit to being impressed myself with her purchases and her good taste.

We only had a couple of hours before she had to catch her bus home. Her suggestion we spend it in horizontal amusement was as unexpected as it was welcome. When I finally see Annie off in a taxi to Victory monument to meet her bus home I reflect on what a pleasant time I had spent with her. It was the nearest thing to a TGFE I had experienced this trip. I am certain I have not closed the chapter on this story either.

A creature of habit I once again go and watch the delightful dancers at the Angels disco. I think I am falling hopelessly in love with the one dancer but it passes once the set is completed. I take a trip up to Soi Cowboy and visit a few bars. That evening I felt bored with gogo bars or I was just exhausted from the ministrations of the delightful Annie. Maybe I needed a holiday.

A good night’s sleep puts me right. That day I was scheduled to meet Netty a nurse from Roi Et. We had been in contact for 5 months and from her photos and our web cam conversations there was no doubt this girl was incredibly beautiful. For over a month she had been wildly enthusiastic about coming to Bangkok to meet me. She had arranged time off work and had organised a friend as chaperone for our assignation. But a couple of days previously she emailed me asking me to send 6000 baht so she could travel down. Now I am no cheap charley but the figure seemed an inappropriate amount for the purpose. Besides the short notice for me to arrange the transfer, I considered I would be creating an inappropriate precedent for any subsequent relationship so I declined. Not unexpectedly she declined to make the journey to meet me.

I meet up with Phil and Union Hill in the Cathouse. A heavy rainfall keeps us there for an hour or so before repairing to the Tilac. We are all in a talkative mood and the beer slips down nicely. Phil had introduced me to San Miguel light for which I have acquired a taste. Union Hill exchanged his theory that each individual is always attracted to a partner with particular characteristics and will revert to this “type” every time. They had both teased me earlier in the week that they can predict the girl I would go for in any bar and had been uncannily accurate in every case. His premise is fascinating and worthy of further study when I am next sober.

When Phil departs for his beauty sleep Union Hill shows me around some of the smaller bars I would not normally go in. They are interesting but I would still not habitually frequent them, as an Engineer the term manual handling now has a whole new meaning. We visit Baccara which deserves its reputation as one of the top bars in Bangkok but the girls are just a little too young and pale for my taste. A trip to the Street of Artists is proposed as a change of pace. I decline his suggestion to visit the Perversion bar as I can easily get a good hiding in West Bromwich without paying Soi 33 prices.

We end up in Napoleon playing pool with two farm fresh girls neither being taller than 4’11. It was almost 03.00 in the morning and we were only standing by some genetic memory so take a taxi to our respective beds. We know when we have had enough to drink but will have another 6 just to make sure.

I can understand Union Hill’s fascination with Soi33. The 1000 baht bar fines seem excessive but I assume they are intended to keep an illusion of exclusivity. If I lived here in Bangkok I would probably frequent the hostess bars at weekends in preference to the gogo bars.

The next morning I receive an email from Sara informing me she could not make our assignation the following day claiming an illness in the family. Sara is another of my MSN girls. She is 35, dark, attractive and works in an office in Udon Thani. Despite my attempts to put her off because of my limited time she had practically begged me to find some time to meet her on this trip.

My perception (which has been confirmed since) is although she was excited at the idea of meeting me when it came to actually meeting a farang she got nervous and chickened out. We western men do have a reputation for being lascivious lecherous beasts.

That evening I decide to explore some of the bars I do not usually frequent in Nana plaza. I start full of enthusiasm but it soon evaporated. In Lollipop I had not yet ordered a beer when I am immediately pounced upon by a girl asking me to barfine her. I buy her a drink and request she relax whereupon she calls her “sister “over and they both proceed to badger me to take them for a threesome. A Katoey mamasan then sits next to me uninvited. I politely explain I may be interested later but at the moment I only want a quiet drink when he shoves a pricelist for the services on offer under my nose. It was like listening to Jehovah’s witnesses so I gulp my beer down pay the bin and exit with indecent haste.

The next bar I try is Ecstasy where I hadn’t even sat down when a girl climbed off the stage and insisted I barfine her. I smile and offer to buy her a drink to deflect her but she continues the barfine mantra. I try to lighten the mood but her persistence is as unrelenting as an Amway associate. As I hadn’t even ordered a beer by then I get up and walk out.

I desperately need a safe harbour to collect my equilibrium so I enter the Angelwitch. As it is still early the place is relatively quiet by Angelwitch standards and there are a couple of seats vacant by the bar. I order a beer when Dave the Rave spots me and comes across to greet me. Dave is one of the few guys who can talk more than me and I could talk a glass eye to sleep. This is the first time I have seen him since my last trip in May so there is a fair bit of gossip to catch up on. After we had chatted for half an hour (or listened in my case) Dave suggested we slip out and have a drink in a couple of his favourite bars in the Plaza.

Rainbow 4 is buzzing with some wonderful tottie on stage and is absolutely heaving with customers. We later step across to Mandarin. Halfway through our first beer Dave interrupts his description of the virtues of this bar to exhort “Jeez look at those splendid specimens” I turned to see the object of his attention was two of the most magnificent mammarys in the eastern hemisphere. Now I am not a breast man but I could appreciate their effect on Dave. After a short eternity my eyes eventually advanced to a delightfully pretty face the mouth of which, to my great surprise addressed me by my name. “Don’t you remember me?” she asked “you barfined me last year and I still have the football shirt you photographed me in”. I still could only vaguely recall her and remarked “you certainly hadn’t got those two puppies last time”. She smiled and told me she had them enhanced in the summer at a cost of 45000 baht. I requested a closer look (purely out of a scientific interest). She whopped them out for my perusal and I was most impressed particularly by the long cylindrical nipples. For the first time all evening Dave the Rave stood speechless and I thought I had gone deaf. Dave reluctantly said his farewells as he had to return to his duties, so I invited my adorable augmented angel to join me.

A pleasant soul she informed me that she had already been barfined by a Japanese guy who instructed her he would be back at 12.30 to collect her. As it was now almost 01.00 she assumed he was not going to show and was willing to come back to my room with me. There was something quite appealing in the prospect of taking a girl on a bar fine paid by a son of Yippon. Maybe it was a subconscious revenge for the fall of Singapore, the bridge over the river Kwai, and the treatment of Allied POWs’ in Changi prison. More likely it was a more personal annoyance from 20 years of making castings for those unimaginative and uncooperative buggers at Toyota, Honda and Nissan.

At 01.05, with typical Japanese lack of consideration the thoughtless sod returned to collect his prize dashing my plans.

I divert to Rainbow1 to see the wonderful eye candy on display. I hadn’t taken the skin off my beer when my stunning silicone seductress enters with her Japanese consort and they sit on the table next to me. I offer a greeting and he buys me a beer. My enhanced enchantress finds this quite amusing. The bar is about to close so I couldn’t get the interest of any of the girls and I end up sleeping alone.

The next evening’s festivities begin early and I meet up with Phil and Union Hill the in Booza bar on Soi 7 / 1. We renew our acquaintance with the moist maiden of the previous week. After a few beers we proceed to the Dollhouse. I am tempted to barfine the adorable Bel and spend my last evening in her tender care but opt instead for a drunken evening painting the town beige with two old pals. We enjoy an hour or two at Rawhide and later make our way to Soi 33. We check out the Renoir, Office and a couple more I can not remember. In one bar they attempt to rip us off, much to Union Hill’s annoyance so we return to Soi Cowboy.

We imbibe a couple in Suzy Wong’s and then in Sheba’s but get back to Sin in Soi 4 in time to see the England v Croatia game kick off at 0400. At half time England are 2.0 down so I take my leave as I was catching the plane home at midday. I watch the second half in my bedroom. England lose 3.2 and fail to qualify for the European championship tournament. I suspect Steve MacLaren the England team manager will have the sack tomorrow.

It serves him right for sitting the edge on my bed in Pattaya watching me with Paulette instead of concentrating on the important football match.

Flight 916 to London is delayed for a couple of hours giving a further opportunity for reflection on my latest visit. I certainly had a great holiday and I hadn’t done quite as much mongering as usual. I now recognise the futility of attempting to compensate for 6 months celibacy in a 2 week vacation.

Most of my experiences of the past 4 years confirm that which is in the accumulated body of wisdom that resides in the Stickman submissions.

I believe the demand for young Thai girls below the age of 30 whether bar girls or nice girls is greater than is fully appreciated. An increased awareness with the advent of the internet and an increase in tourism has created a demand for Thai womanhood that I believe significantly exceeds supply. In the not too distant future a relationship with a switched on Thai girl below the age of 30 can only ever be on a timeshare basis. I consider most young Thai girls are acutely aware of their value; the prevailing philosophy appears to be “Get yours whilst stocks last!”

But meeting older respectable Thai ladies has given me a slightly new viewpoint. There are parallels with the predicament of middle aged men in the west and that of older Thai ladies. In the new dynamic western women are now seeking men ten years their junior. Traditionally Thai men seek younger women it is ingrained in the culture. Another aspect of Thai culture is the apparent stigma (despite a significant increase in divorce rates) that widows and divorced ladies face in finding a Thai male partner. Whilst most western and Thai men are seeking the younger model the consequence is many Thai women above the age of 35 find difficulty getting laid.

I am still on a journey and admit don’t yet have a destination. In many ways the answer is to move to Thailand but I consider it is not an opportune time to do so just yet for a variety of reasons. My middle class friends in the UK assert that I am no further forward in sorting out my life than I was 4 years ago when first divorced. They mistakenly feel I desire to return to a conventional relationship like they have. It has been suggested my flirtation with Thailand is delaying if not preventing my achieving this.

Whilst it would be nice to get laid occasionally in England I have no aspiration to return to the way of life of many of my friends. They are in the main unappreciated beasts of burden to disappointed women and their ungrateful offspring. Permanently on a treadmill with little pleasure other than the perceived appreciation in the value of their properties.

I have gained much from my affair with Thailand not least a sense of perspective. I have made close friendships with some first rate blokes and have corresponded with countless others. My discovery of the Stickman site has revived a passion for writing which is keeping my big brain active. My little brain has been exercised by carnal knowledge of 39 Thai women generally of a quality my contemporaries in the UK could only dream off.

In the absence of an immediate alternative I envisage my biannual Siamese sojourns will continue for the foreseeable future. For two weeks every six months, I get smiles off beautiful young girls which in England only footballers’ receive. For two weeks I live like a premiership footballer and I feel truly alive.

My friends’ attitude reminds me of the apocryphal story of the legendary George Best. When he finally announced his retirement from football that evening he went to a Casino to celebrate in his own inimitable style. He won £5000 on the roulette and pulled Marie Stavins the recently crowned Miss World who he took back to his room at the Savoy Hotel. He tipped his winnings on the bed and whilst the delicious Miss Stavins slipped into something more comfortable George phoned room service for a bottle of the finest champagne.

The bell boy bringing the champagne was a dour Belfast man. On seeing George and knowing his brilliant career was often blighted by intemperance exclaimed “Oh Mr. Best where did it all go wrong?

George smiled, pointed to the bed and replied “I am in the premium hotel in London about to drink the finest champagne, on my bed there is £5000 in winnings and Miss World in a scanty negligee moist and ready,”

“Please tell me where it all went wrong!

Stickman's thoughts:

Another very nice trip report. I miss the longer trip reports like this where you can really get into the story and get a real feel fro the characters. Great stuff.