Readers' Submissions

Delightful Pattaya Encounters

  • Written by Anonymous
  • December 19th, 2007
  • 3 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok



I lie on Jomtien beach when I hear crass bassless discopop. I turn around and see a skinny dirty gay massage boy stumbling through the sand. The noise comes from the white earphones sticking in his ears. This must be blaring loud for him. I turn back to my book.

The crass bassless discopop gets louder. Now the skinny dirty gay massage creature stands right in front of me, earphones still blasting full steam. He looks down at me, points at me, and then, against the disco rage in his ears, yells at me:

"EY, YOW, YOW WANT MASSAGE SIR!"

50 tourists and hawkers turn around and await interestedly my reaction.

Thai Thinking 1

I lie on Jomtien beach when I notice a Thai boy watching me interestedly. Maybe eight years old. I give him a smile and throw a flipflop at him. He catches with a big grin and throws back. Soon we are into a wild fight around flipflops and wet towels.

A cute puppy dog, no month old, stumbles along. The Thai boy picks up the baby dog and – wants to throw the cutie at me.

"Stop", I scream, "my dee!" (Not good to throw doggies.)

"Mai pen rai", he goes, "mai tcheb." (No problem, not pain.)

Thai Thinking 2

I lie on Jomtien beach when my default Thai massage ladies strolls along. Yes, I agree to a massage. I ask her to arrange her blanket, pillow and flasks, which will take a minute. Meanwhile I'll jump to the nearby restrooms. Ok, she says, and I know our common English / Thai lexicon stretches far enough to understand it all. I leave all my belongings in her custody.

I return from the restrooms and there she stands next to her basket – nothing prepared. Only when I stand in front of her and say OK, she starts to unfold the blanket.

Thai Thinking 3

I walk down Beach Road at sunset, and the street is packed with cars. No vehicle can move, not even a motorcycle. There is this young Thai on a Honda Dream who in vain tries to get past the jam. As it's impossible, he steers his vehicle onto the pedestrians' walk. Narak maak-maak. The pedestrians' strip is packed too, so there is no proceeding for him either.

He honks madly at the strollers who block his way.

Two policemen materialize and send him back to the road.

Thai-Farang Talk 1

I walk on down Beach Road slowly shifting southward. I overhear the conversation of a couple walking behind me.

Thai lady: Oh, some time in my life, I not so lucky…

Western man: Wait a little, tonight i'll make you very happy…

Thai-Farang Talk 2

I stop walking down Beach Road to let the soapy couple pass me and stare onto the sea. This happens to be next to a stair down to the sands where noisy speed boats can be rented. The speedboat renter thinks I want to rent one and nods assuringly.

Speedboat renter (pointing at boats): Same-same lady!

I (pointing at boats): Huh?

Speedboat renter: (makes rocking shaking moves, holds hands like riding a motorcycle, grins deliriously)

I: How much for the speedboat?

Speedboat renter (happily): 600 only!

I: Not same-same lady! Lady only 500!

Speedboat renter: (disappointed look)

I: I take lady. Cheaper! No have lady?

Speedboat renter: (disappointed look)

I: (off)

Thai-Farang Talk 3

I resume walking down Beach Road southward. A feisty, but not really fat Thai man approaches me. As he has a casual, untypical smile I even listen: "Hi sir, what would you like? You tell me anything no problem."

Huh? I smile regrettingly and shift on.

Thai-Farang Talk 4

I walk Beach Road back up northward. A feisty, but not really fat Thai lady approaches me. As she has a casual, untypical smile I even listen: "Hi sir, what would you like? You tell me anything no problem."

"Huh?"

"We go hotel you and you tell me what you like! No problem." She makes obscene gestures and nods assuringly.

I notice that the feisty, but not really fat Thai man from "Thai-Farang Talk 3" stands ten meters off and watches us with a benevolant smile. It's actually the same spot where I talked to him first. I realize they both use the same playback in their customer approach.

"Err, uh", I give the feisty lady an excusing smile and point discretely at the feisty guy in the back, "he your boyfriend?"

"Yes", she nods assuringly, "he my boyfriend!"

Stickman's thoughts:

I love your photos, I really do. They made this submission!