Readers' Submissions

Expats Messed Up and Going South



Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


I been to Thailand nineteen times and had me maybe eighteen, twenty girls each time. Never had me more than one or two regrets, and then it was cause I got too loose with the bills in my pocket and didn’t figure drinking hard would matter as I was going to sleep after I did my baht lady once good for the night. Maybe we was going to do it a different way in the morning if I was feeling okay, but then I had to make sure she was gone soon after cause I can’t much take the smiling silences and the squeezy hand holding to get me all soft for that shopping that’s going to cost me the price of another lady. I’m a man of practical thinking and realistic ways based on mistakes I once made and don’t hardly make no more.

I’ve come here to the Stickman Site of One Thousand Opinions and Ten Thousand Lies to tell you some things me and my friends found out from expats, the ones been married to the Thai ladies for one, maybe three, maybe eight or ten years. But I got to say in all honesty me and my friends we don’t do that much counting on these matters of years and such. We just take down in our heads the interesting things to remember, which I am here to report for your edification. That word edification I don’t mind telling you is a word I sure like a lot. I learned it from my first wife Suzybell. She was a winner from Livingston and she was small and had nice legs like a Thai lady. She could really rattle a bed, she sure could. We got on sweet as home cooked apple pie till one afternoon she found me in the barn with her sister. Those was one of those unlocked door mistakes I once made and don’t hardly make no more.

You see, these married expats I learned are always getting themselves in trouble right from the beginning cause they confuse love with moisture in the honey pot and before they know it the Thai lady she’s making her best moves for the big money. She don’t waste no time. She runs like a scared squirrel down a tree making to get every last acorn. Then one morning after some thinking and facing another day of same same with a lady who only got three percent thoughts other than money in her 24 karat brain, the expat gets to thinking this thing called love is only running on half a tank, or maybe quarter tank and not with much octane like it used to have. Soon he figures it ain’t love at all, maybe never was cause someone like my once lovely Suzybell who knows all about edification gives him some understanding of that word lust. Before the sun sets and thinking like he should be he ain’t the same man. No he sure ain’t. Now that love needle is soon just kicking around zero, and it ain’t got nowhere to go but full stop. You guessed it too. It’s the same old problem he had with his maybe not so old old lady in Gringoland, only difference now is he ain’t going to have to pay till he’s got holes in his socks and loses his teeth. He just gets himself a one-way ticket home and that’s the end for all time of that Thai squirrel lady with a 24 karat gold brain.

Another thing about expats I learned is their good love making times goes from full to half full to quarter full to nearly nothing fast as it did back home in Gringoland when they were young and everyday had themselves full cans of cum. Soon it ain’t no different than the ten maybe twenty year old lady he had to scrap and hightail it from cause she didn’t look so good no more and had too many night time headaches and he got tired of doing himself.

Me and my friends we also hear good stories and lots of them about expats don’t know how to say goodbye when the time comes and it always comes. I had me a little problem like that too in the three marriages in Gringoland after lovey Suzybell. I had to learn to say a real straight goodbye love boat I had enough and you go get yourself another sucker on a sugar string thank you very much for the good times and I sure hope to never see you again. I never did see any of my exs again, not even the Suzybell and her sister who always liked to be on her knees with me.

So what we been hearing is these expats say I did all this for love and the way she was taking care of me right from the first hours on. I never thought it was about she was young and pretty and I wasn’t so young cause all that was just something extra, her being young and me being not so young. This is the part where the expats get to fooling themselves real good like me and my friends don’t do cause we know what we look like and what kind of young legal chickens we go after, no fooling around about this and what we got in mind doing with them cause they young and we ain’t. We just get into bed with them maybe one or two times but mostly once and tell them love boat I’m here for your honey pot and I don’t want your number I don’t even want to remember your name. I don’t ever want you to come around another time, not tomorrow or the next day cause I’m going to have me another baht lady and she won’t take kindly to opening the door to someone just like her.

So this makes for some of the things we been hearing from all these sucker on long string expats don’t have the good mind me and my friends do to take them for a night and never once think about edification and knowing the difference between lust and love. We all had enough of that bar love tune and you for me and me for me back forever in Gringoland, we sure did.

Now I have to tell a little story here about a complication of sorts I once had with a baht lady from a Walking Street beer bar. I come out of her all exhausted and happy with myself for the nice things I done for her, but then when I went to yank off my raincoat it wasn’t there. So I says to her, you know where it might be I think we got a little problem here. She looks at me funny like and fingers around inside herself and shakes her pretty head and then goes scratching all over the bed and the floor looking for it while I’m pouring myself a drink and not thinking too hard about what all this might mean. Then she goes into the toilet and still can’t find it, and when she comes out I tell her lie down and spread them good and in I go with two fingers and three fingers and then nearly my whole hand. Yep, it was there, clean like I never put it on, I swear. I even got thinking while having the next drink I could use it all over again, why not.

I reveal this little story cause it’s the funny kind of things expats don’t get to add to their edification list that Suzybell taught me about.

Well, I know there’s more I probably got to say about what expats been telling me and my friends but I got to finish off now and get me a good drink, I sure do. Last thing I want to say is I figure there are some expats going to read this and shake hard their heads and want to put my words into the Stickman Ten Thousand Lies box. That’s okay, I understand. They just like denying the truth, like I was doing until last year telling myself my cum can is full when I know it ain’t no more than three-quarter full most days. Maybe three-quarters is stretching it a bit, I ain’t sure about that.

Stickman's thoughts:

Hmmm, I am not sure what to say…