I've seen a lot of posts on various message boards over the years about sponsoring girls, how idiotic it is accompanied by questions as to why people do it. What I want to do here is a self analysis of my motivations since I have sponsored three
Thai girls in my life and strangely I can't say I know what my motivations were entirely, though I think part of my motivations have been sublimated due to the shame of the fact ultimately I was trying to buy love. I sublimated this fact
and convinced myself it was me, not my money that was being valued, that the money was merely a conduit towards gaining affection. After all you always pay for it one way or another, right? So why not skip all the conceits and pony up a dollar
amount, cutting out the middle man of romantic dinners and roses sent to the office. I'll chronologically go through the experiences and an honest assessment of what I think was my motivation and feelings at each time.
After expressing an interest in traveling to Thailand a man I knew around where I live introduced me to his Thai wife's younger sister, my first trip to Thailand was to meet her. There were many insinuations that she was "Marriage minded" and if we hit it off maybe we should go down the path of holy matrimony. I can now admit the whole thing was a glorified mail order bride set up but I also considered there have been successful arranged marriages throughout time and what other hope did a guy like me have of finding a wife? As for me, I'm not in bad shape, a little shorter than average and have thinning hair. I do the best I can with what I have but quite frankly around here it's not good enough. Though damn did I try and got utterly burnt out from the dating scene in the USA, I don't think I need to go into too much detail about the frustrations of dating Farang women on this site, so I'll just leave it at I had given up hope. I have had girlfriends and good relationships with Farangs but because I am not an alpha male it takes a great deal of work to get a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date that may blossom into a real relationship. Let's just say these days a girl is not likely to hop in bed with me based on my boyish good looks alone. But I've got a good heart!
Ultimately I must take personal responsibility for everything that happened to me but I do place some blame on my brother in law. He fed me a bunch of shit about what great wives Thai women make, how different they are and that they don't care about how you look or how rich you are. They just want someone who is faithful and kind. He basically explained that they are a diametrically opposed female variant, of the arrogant and demanding Farang females many of us have come to loathe. He assured me for every flaw these Dr. Phil quoting women had, a Thai woman had an equal or greater counter balance to right the wrong. I knew he was somewhat deluding himself and had a sense that women are the same the world over and given the choice want rich and handsome men though I'm not saying personality counts for nothing, just that rich and handsome certainly grease the wheels of arousal. In spite of a sense of doubt, I felt subconsciously that maybe at least over there I had something to offer, doesn't everyone want something from each other? If it's not money then arm candy, someone they can feel proud of in front of their peers? What's so wrong about exchanging love for financial security? I say I thought this subconsciously because I hadn't really reconciled with this, the financial angle. It just rattled around in the back of my mind that there had to be a dubious reason I could hop over to Thailand and a few weeks later a beautiful girl would want to marry me. Whereas here in the USA most girls didn't want to give me the time of day but were eager to give me a kick in the balls for asking.
So off I go to Thailand, a world of exotic spices, bustling streets, tropical heat and alluring women and there she is, Wow I'm in another world. She is beautiful, funny and affectionate, laughs at all my jokes and makes up cute nick names for me. I traveled to Thailand several times during our brief courtship and tried to get a visa for her to come here as a tourist when it appeared things were working out well. Impossible, could not prove she would return. The brother in law suggested marriage is the best way and that my ex-wife, let's call her Fon, would certainly say yes. I was skeptical about marrying someone so quickly but thought well, I'm a good guy, why don't I deserve a beautiful loving wife? And by the way she was the same age as me and not what some might call a stunner, just an attractive fun-loving girl who I felt I justifiably could be married to if only the world was a little more forgiving. So a few months into it we got married.
Shortly after that the brother in law suggested I start sending her some money for English school while we wait out the visa process which I gladly did. There was this strange triangle of the brother in law being an emissary to all our relations and I blame myself for allowing that dynamic to fester but it was the birth of my getting suckered into the sponsorship route. Fon quickly dropped out of English school saying the teachers were Thai and didn't speak English well. I suggested going to a school with Farang teachers but she said no impossible they won't speak Thai well. I was beginning to learn about the circuitous nature of Thai logic so I didn't argue. However I was told I should keep up the monthly payments so she could live in her own apartment in Bangkok and be able to assist with the paperwork for our marriage visas. This made sense. However every time I required her assistance to do any paperwork she proved herself incapable and I had to find a way to hire someone or do it myself. It became clear once I had set a precedent of sending money stopping or reducing payment would cause a loss of face, the only option was to send even more money! I knew this was rotten but figured all this would stop once she came to the USA and I could explain to her about budgeting and have more oversight over what expenses were real and which were not.
A year rolls by and my lovely Fon comes to the USA. The first few weeks were really a dream and I felt like I had taken a short cut to happiness, no more sitting in bars getting rejected, no more sitting all day with a hard on at work with no relief in sight. Finally someone who I could build a loving, trusting and committed relationship with had arrived. I had many dreams about us teaching each other English and Thai, showing her London and Hawaii, romantic dreams.
After this brief honeymoon period she suddenly wanted to spend more and more time with her sister. I was expected to give her an allowance for these trips and to buy her gifts. If I didn't she complained our relationship was unbalanced and giving her money was the only way to balance it. I suggested she get a job but she said her English wasn't good enough, and once she went to English school which was coming up in a few months then she could get a job. I wondered how she'd like the Farang teachers in America any more than Thailand but there's always wishful thinking when there's a complete lack of congruence. The allowance and demands for gifts kept increasing as she saw my fellow Farang women all blinged out with Gucci bags and $200 perms. This continued up to the point I started incurring credit card debt. I did try to say no but incredible temper tantrums or her not talking to me would result. I know now I should have put my foot down and acted like a man but the truth is I acted like a pussy whipped bitch. I was scared to lose her and be lonely again and it did seem if I played along being an ATM I got regular sex and the occasional affection from my dear wife. As time went by she began spending more and more time at her sister's and also began to suggest I buy gifts for her family back in Thailand to show what a nice guy I was, which I did a few times. I kept waiting for things to balance out, for her to understand I wasn't rich, that this wasn't sustainable but it never happened. Why didn't I live in a castle with a four car garage like all the Farangs her sister had told her about many times on the phone, she must have wondered. When I finally said no I can't afford this and you aren't even acting like my wife she suggested divorce. I had to pay her off but was freaking overjoyed to see her go back to Thailand.
After this I had a brief period where I was really burnt out by Thailand and I felt all that anyone cared about over there was my money. I later decided I should give it one more try this time checking out the ladies for hire, less commitment and more fun I presumed. In spite of getting burnt I still thought Thai ladies were sexy, I enjoyed learning the language, and loved the food. So I went back reborn as a sex tourist. I butterflied around then settled on a girl who I spent a week with, Boom. We all know the charms of bar girls so I won't go too far into that either. But Boom seemed so different than my wife (No I'm not saying she was DIFFERENT), so attentive and eager to spend every minute with me. I had read about many of the bar girl lies, sick buffalo, hurt brother and had experienced some lying with Fon but Boom didn't engage in any of that. After my holiday we exchanged email and phone numbers and I went home.
Every few weeks we'd send each other a cutesy SMS, I knew they were bullshit but in the lonely dark hours of Farangland nights and during the slow grind of work these meant a lot to me, sometimes I'd get an "I miss you darling" at 4 in the morning that would give me the strength and happiness to get through the week. I had grown somewhat accustomed to lonely nights but the most dangerous thing is to give a man a glimmer of hope because after sampling the famous Thai girlfriend experience with Boom I wanted more and I wanted it to be real. Yes I suspected I was one of many darlings receiving the same carbon copy message but maybe I wasn't, maybe I was THE ONE, it was that glimmer of hope it blinded all rationality. She felt like the closest thing to a girlfriend and affection I could find. Then the SMS came, "Now have big problem at bar, not many customer I never see like this before." I knew this was a request for money but I respected that it wasn't some lie about being hurt on a motorbike and my next trip was only a few months away so maybe my generosity could yield dividends. I sent her 10,000 baht to which she profusely thanked me. I explained this couldn't be a regular thing. Another month went by I noticed the SMS messages started to lessen. I was just 2 months from seeing my teeruk. I figured if I sent another baht injection I could Boom's attention again. I rationalized it as the only means I had to show her I cared about her while I was away. How could I differentiate myself from all the other guys that probably promised to take care of her but didn't? She had herself and her family to care for. I knew money was hard to come by in Thailand and felt if I wanted her to act like a traditional woman, who had time for me and wasn't bent out of shape if I wanted to wear the pants then I needed to act like a traditional man and show her I could be a breadwinner. Look I know this sounds sexist, probably pathetic but I promised an honest self analysis, I basically had become emasculated by my experiences in Farangland gradually made to feel that I had nothing to offer women and felt a return to typical gender roles was one way to help me feel whole again. Did you know as a country's affluence increases so does its divorce rate? Why equality is about the worst thing for a lasting relationship.
So I sent another round of funding and the SMSs and even a few phone calls followed. Another thing that encouraged me to send money is she didn't tell me she quit bar, and if she was with another customer she told me. It did hurt me but I preferred the truth than to be taken for a fool and fed lines of bullshit about her quitting bar. I also felt good that she hadn't directly asked for money I was doing it of my own volition, I later learned those who are masters at extracting money try to create a dynamic of need without asking directly but I didn't know that then.
My trip comes and I see her. We go to Phuket and Hua Hin, and had have a great time. She upped the GFE to a level of profound verisimilitude, wow I had a real girlfriend! However in due time she started laying on some bullshit about her sister being in trouble and needing money to "take care", secondly I started getting a little bored of her as I got to know her more, she wasn't quite the idealized wifey I had been dreaming off all those months and I was itching to be a butterfly. For the last week of my vacation I basically butterflied around and mostly cut ties with her which she seemed amenable to and probably was on to the next sponsor. I did feel a little foolish for having bought her love but felt at least I got my money's worth and it sure cost a lot less than I had to give my ex-wife.
After this I met another bar girl Nang who I began sending messages back and forth with. Nang never asked for money and I never gave it to her, though she did lament her financial situation which I thought was fair enough. I wanted to test if I didn't send her money if she'd stick around, and to my surprise she did. However around this time I met a so called good Thai girl Naam who had a son and a full time job. When I took my next trip to Thailand I met up with Naam and had a great time. I decided not to meet Nang even though she had been sweet to me and never asked for money. I just feared that soon enough she would ask for money and that BG's cannot be trusted, it's not personal just the nature of the industry, and yes I'm aware whoremongers are probably equally untrustworthy. I felt there was no way we could have a future together so I wanted to give it my all to Naam and change my ways. By the way I later learned this Nang quit the industry and got married, it turns out I was wrong about her so by becoming jaded I lost out on what appears to be a genuine girl but how was I to know and that's probably a topic for another submission entirely.
Naam who I gave up Nang for mentioned having given her computer to her son so I decided to buy her a used laptop computer. I felt this was a good gift because it would allow her to communicate with me and show her I could be a little generous. We had a really great time together and soon enough started saying we loved each other. I really respected how hard working she was and felt bad how little she was paid. I decided I should send Naam some baht every month to subsidize her work. I didn't consider this sponsorship but rather assistance. Had she stopped her job I would have stopped paying her, but I felt if this is someone I like and want to have a relationship with I can't just let them work in a sweatshop with nothing to show for it. It also made me feel good about my job, that I had some purpose in life, and not just toiling away for the man for nothing. Naam would always refuse my money and I really had to force it on her. Things seemed to be going good then she started coming up with this line that she was a bad girl and I should forget her, she would just cause me problems.
I said no every relationship has problems and we should try to work it out. This went on for a while and I eventually got sick of it and said tell me what you are talking about! Why are you going to cause problems for me? She then told me her sister was sick with cancer. She never asked for money and I didn't know what to do. I waited a bit and she mentioned how her sister had to wait months before she could get medical care. I said well I could help out financially but I need a few things. I need a doctor's bill and a breakdown of what her treatment will be. This served two purposes. 1 to make sure she wasn't lying which interestingly my Thai friends suggested I check up on and 2 so I could evaluate if the hospital itself was ripping me off if they found out a farang was paying.
After asking for this Naam blew up saying I didn't trust her and if I trusted her I would have waited for her to show me the bill and that she had never wanted to tell me in the first place and she warned me she was going to cause me problems. She said all this time she had been loyal to me (over about 4 months) and why did I not trust her now? I said she had to understand not everyone in the world is honest and her giving me proof would just make us both feel more comfortable about me committing some serious capital. Well from here the relationship went up in smoke and ended. Later her older sister confirmed to me that the sick younger sister did not have cancer, so much for her being the one.
So it seems like I've run the full gamut of sponsorship scenarios, I feel like I can understand what I was thinking at the time but my heart has really hardened to it. I still think if you want a serious relationship with a Thai girl from a poor background you will have to cough up some dough. And your ability to cough up dough at least to some degree will be at least part of why she's willing to be your girlfriend. While I'm sure some have girlfriend's who don't want a dime from them and are lucky enough to have a relationship built on mutual trust and attraction but I think there are many many more who do have some type of monthly allowance, financial aid situation going on to keep the peace and to fill the gap whatever it may be, that has prevented them from finding suitable women elsewhere. Most of the girls who don't need any money from us also are going to treat us the same as farang women who don't want to give us the time of day if we aren't a handsome young farang and I think if we are honest with ourselves many of us come to Thailand looking for women who make us feel we have some worth and in the background that worth is often based on Baht. I do think real love and real companionship can be born from relationships where there is a financial angle and age discrepancies but more often than not good intentions are abused and the farang is caught in the inexorable poverty cycle that made the girl want to date them in the first place.
I still love Thai girls and want to make a go at it again but there's a reason there's so many sad submissions on Stickman and so many idiot sponsors like myself and it's not just with bar girls. The power and desires are uneven with a relationship where one party makes 100 times as much as the other and all the lines get blurred, the cultures clash. I'd like to add I don't think all Thai people are looking for an ATM buffalo, nor that Farang do not share some of the blame for the sand traps they fall into. I'm not a xenophobe or a racist and don't think Thai or Farang have the upper hand on nobility, I've met great and honest people from both sides of the table. I just think Wealthy down on their luck Farangs who try to have a relationship with poor attractive Thai women are likely to follow in my footsteps. I welcome any and all feedback.
Financially dependent women don't make good wives in my opinion…
And when they ask for money based on false medical issues, that is downright criminal.