On a Dark Phuket Beach With A Thai Hooker

Such a title may indeed lure many readers but I should make it clear at the outset that this is a serious posting having nothing to do with those Lek/Nok/Bee tales. Instead, I intend to portray my own experiences during the past six visits to this LOS (Land of Scams).

Indeed, the evening was dark and the cool breeze from the sea had brought a lovely sense of rejuvenation as I walked from my hotel room, along the many bars, heading towards the beach. Following that devastating tsunami the nightlife scene has moved from the bars along the beach to a single, short strip leading to the old beach road.

This was October 2006 and my previous visit to Phuket took place in September 2000. It could indeed be my own personal perception but I found the city to be sober, not as happy as before. Let's face it: is it possible to forget that shocking Saturday morning, December 26th, so soon thereafter? As I was standing on the dark beach, strictly illuminated by the joining street lights, I couldn't help but reflect back to these early morning hours just before the tsunami struck so violently, bringing death and destruction to a peaceful retreat.

I find listening to the waves very enjoyable as I can literally hear messages of tranquility and harmony vibrating towards my soul. During these evening hours I couldn't help but think: 'Man, you are now visiting a country offering an array of sinful activities yet you prefer to enjoy a quiet evening on a beach?'

"Ver yu go?" I suddenly heard a voice. I turned around. A Thai lady of about 40 stood near by, smiling at me with anticipation.

"Yu wont lady?"

I was not interested yet did not want to offend her: "I no want lady…I like alone".

She kept on smiling: "I speek yu…OK?"

I smiled. Her peaceful approach appropriately fit into that lovely evening and pleasant surrounding. We began a casual chit-chat during which she told me that her daughter works as a bar girl in one of the near by joints.

"Yu no wont boom-boom?" she tried her luck again.

"No", I clarified sincerely, "I just want quiet".

Suddenly, with no advance warning, I felt as if I was going to pass out. Hell, what is it? I felt like I was going to faint. It must be that damn chicken I ate at lunch! "Look" I said to the girl "I no want boom-boom but I want you to stay with me now and I will pay your for your time".

I wish not to go into too many details here. What followed was a scary hour as I was sure it was the end – and I ain't kiddin' you, brother. Has any Stickman reader ever had food poisoning? If you're a veteran Thailand visitor it is inconceivable that you have not.

The girl proved helpful indeed. First she ran across the street to buy me a salt smeller (if you’re a newcomer or plan on a visit I strongly urge you to get one. It will help in similar circumstances while also being greatly helpful on extremely humid days when your breath is just about to go loose). I then laid down on the beach while she gave me a head and face massage that literally kept me alive. In between the lady did not lose her north:

"How much you give me?"

"I'll give you twenty baht" I replied jokingly.

"Ohhh" she laughed "you give me one baht."

After an hour or so I felt apt enough to return to my hotel. I gave the girl 500 baht (which, evidently, made her very happy) and left the beach.

Initially I planned on staying a week in Phuket but the following morning I was already on my flight to Bangkok and from there by bus to Pattaya. Why that change of plan? Well, first, I found Phuket much more expensive than I had remembered. For example: a foot massage that costs 200 baht in Pattaya costs 300 in Phuket. The hotels are more expensive as are the restaurants and the bars. Specifically what turned me off was the distance of my hotel from the beach. Phuket does not have that charming boulevard that is so present in Pattaya. <You think it’s “charming”? – Stick>

It was quite interesting to note how life has returned to normal in that tsunami-hit city. As I was strolling along the streets full of thoughts and reflections on my last, pre-Tsunami days, I couldn't help but feeling so much sympathy for the families (of both farangs and Thais alike) who had lost their dear ones in that calamity.

The Bangkok Air flight to Bangkok was pleasant and upon arrival at Suvarnabhumi I had little time to enjoy the new airport as I just wanted to reach my beach chair in Pattaya. Now here is important information: if you want to avoid the cost of a cab to Pattaya (1,000 baht) then all you have to do is reach ground level and there ask for the bus which will take you (free of charge, by the way) to central station. <This is really unclear. *Where* or *what* is central station?! – Stick> The bus to Pattaya leaves from there and the two-hour ride will cost you no more than 100 baht. (I was stunned to see a lady dressed as an airline stewardess serving free Coke on board). If you do take that bus make sure you get off long before it reaches its final stop in Jomtien, about 20 miles south of central Pattaya.

Pattaya is my kind of town. I love its tranquil pace, the blue sea waters reflecting their vivid colors starting the early hours of the morning when the first boats leave to the nearby islands; I love that easy stroll along the boulevard along the beach, with the early rising farangs taking their doctor-prescribed exercise run (come to think of it: do the Thais ever engage in any type of sport?); I love my beach chair which awaits me daily before any other farangs has hit it the crispy sands; I love my wait for the girl selling her assortment of cakes which is normally followed by my cry to the chair-leasing lady: "Coffee!"; I love that endless stream of vendors (from corn-on-the-cob to shrimps to ice cream to watches) whose persistence and hard work I truly admire. I love to jump into the quiet waters, always reflecting to myself: "Geee, how beautiful it is to swim when there are no waves". Still, there is a certain drawback: the Pattaya waters are not clean and if you really wish to fully enjoy that beach experience you should head south to Jomtien. Now, don't get scared. We ain't talking a flight or even a train ride. All it takes is a five-minute, 10-baht taxi jump to a junction located only yards from walking Street and from there another 15-minute, 10-baht hike to Jomtien.

Oh, Jomtien, how do I love your beach, let me count the ways!

Stickman's thoughts:

This, for me, was a weird submission. You see something in Pattaya that I have never seen. Tranquil pace? Blue sea waters? And you love the beach vendors?! You were doing some funny stuff, right?! Either that or this was a parody and plonker Stick didn’t get it.