Stickman Readers' Submissions September 25th, 2007

A Resonance of Pattaya

Dudley Magistrate’s No 2 Court was becoming familiar territory to me, maybe too familiar. The last couple of years I had accompanied my eldest son there so many times I felt I had a season ticket. I had visions that the clerk of the court would invite me to his daughter's wedding, I had become so familiar to him.

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In the two years since my divorce my eldest son had gone somewhat astray. He had got mixed up with the notorious “Section 5” firm of hooligans and was heavily involved in football violence. I had bailed him out of police custody on countless Saturday evenings and had spent a couple of nights in police cells with him on the occasions they wouldn’t let me bail him.

But this time it was serious. The charge was bilking (departing with the intention of not paying a taxi fare) and ABH (Actual bodily harm) against the taxi driver. The previous occasions we were involved with the constabulary entailed drink or soccer related incidents, and as a minor he received little more than cautions and metaphorical slaps on the wrist.

Now he was 18 and subject to the full force of the law.

I look at the shaven headed, heavily tattooed taxi driver, all 6 ‘2 and 260 lb of him then examine my son in the dock, all 5’7 and 160 lb of him and wonder how he could have inflicted the extensive physical damage to this gargantuan creature that the prosecution claimed.

I concluded fighting is like sex, it is probably as much about technique as it is about size.

Although not totally unexpected, the magistrate’s guilty verdict was no less sickening and my heart sank. From the tone of the proceedings and the demeanour of the chairman of the bench it looked a sure fire certainty my lad was going down this time.

My thoughts were interrupted by the entrance of two middle aged women into the courtroom which prompted the chairman to announce “the court will recess to hear advice from the youth offending team regarding the length of a possible custodial sentence.”

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As the three magistrates departed to the chambers at the rear, the whole court rise to their feet and the two newcomers followed them. One of the women looked in my direction and appeared to tender a faint smile of recognition. Somewhat distracted by events of the last few minutes, I failed to recall her. It was only as I resumed my seat I received a flash of clarity.

I am returned nine months to an afternoon in Pattaya. It was on my very first visit to Thailand and had already spent a few days in Bangkok. I had witnessed the pussy shows of Patpong, the pussy showers in the top floor of Nana Plaza and the pussy showing in Soi Cowboy. I had experienced the hostesses in Soi 33, the shop girls of the Thermae, the part timers in the Soi 7 Biergarten, the freelancers of the Nana car park and even had a good hiding in the Eden club. I needed a break and thought a gentle few days at a quiet seaside resort would do me good.

I end up in Pattaya such was my innocence.

It was my fourth day in sin city and the third day of my first Thai Girl Friend Experience.

I beg my reader to indulge me a moment whilst I evoke the memory of that almost transcendental experience. You are getting attention like you have never experienced before. She is selecting your meals, filleting your fish and almost spoon-feeding you. She is running your bath, washing you, massaging you, cleaning your ears with cotton buds and cutting your fingernails. The look of affection she gives you, her soft arms around you and the unquestioning acquiescence to your sexual demands is beyond description. You probably have your first blowjob for 20 years. You are even rediscovering the simple pleasure of shopping with a smiling girl on your arm.

After years of western women, you think you have died and gone to heaven.

In the rare moments I stopped thinking with little brain I became conscious that the combined effect of the horizontal activity, excessive drinking, smoking, and use of pharmaceutical aids would probably lead to my untimely demise if I did not balance it with some daily exercise routine. So each afternoon I would take a swim in the hotel pool. My TGF was like a cat and seemed to have an aversion to water and swimming, so my afternoon swims allowed my little teerak a few hours freedom to do whatever it is Thai girls do. My guess is they indulge their favourite pastime, which is sleeping!

On that afternoon I gained an unexpected swim companion in the form of a pretty little 16 year old English girl. She had joined me in order to escape the unwelcome attentions of a group of ageing lothario with ill fitting dentures and unconvincing toupees. Our mutual Black Country origins and my having sons of a similar age provided the pretext for conversation. She was quite chatty and during the course of a lengthy discussion explained that she was on vacation with her mother and grandfather. She claimed to be enjoying her holiday despite not having many people her own age to socialise with. She was however concerned that her mother had not had any men speak to her since arriving in Pattaya and could not understand it.

I was tempted to enlighten her about the preferences of men in Pattaya and how even I avoid western women like the bubonic plague. Her youth and sweet temperament prevented me. When she suggested that I was a nice man and maybe I could have a chat with her mother I only just managed to contain the urge to scream out, “Please God No!”

“She is probably a typical fat arsed, assertive and opinionated harridan that I have come here to escape from.”

But I didn’t, instead I said “ok”.

By way of explanation you must remember I was in the middle of my first euphoric TGF experience; I was walking on clouds and deliriously happy. With an hour to kill, I thought, what could it hurt to bring a little sunshine to a fellow human being? So after drying off we went to the café area of the hotel ordered a coffee and I was introduced to the aforesaid mother.

She was just as I expected, and then some! Late thirties, large boned and wide hipped wearing a shapeless T-shirt and leggings. With a terrifying countenance, my initial reaction was “This is man's work and I am but a boy.” However on being introduced she gave me a friendly smile and it became apparent that what her daughter had said was correct. As I engaged her in conversation she appeared genuinely pleased, if not relieved to have ANY human contact, even with a worthless creature like me.

For all my many faults I can be quite charming and amusing when required. She was undoubtedly an intelligent and educated woman and I very quickly managed to get a decent conversation started. We discussed a variety of subjects from literature to local politics but enquiries regarding her job were deflected, although she admitted it was something to do with social work and the law.

It was apparent she was like many English women, a very dominant and assertive character quite accustomed to belittling men who had the audacity to approach her and clearly unaccustomed to having her opinions questioned. But on this occasion she was intelligent enough to recognise the reality of her situation, to bite her lip and suspend a natural tendency to make the cutting remark. She even laughed at my jokes. She worked very hard at being pleasant company, something she probably never did when back in Blighty.

After an hour or so I left to rejoin my teerak. This routine of a coffee and pleasant chat together after my swim was repeated for a couple of days until I returned to Bangkok.

I began to suspect that I had probably made a friend.

I am awakened from my reverie by my son suggesting we use the recess as an opportunity to grab a coffee in the court lobby. I had just taken the first sip of my drink when the youth offending officer entered the lobby from the court chambers. Although she was dressed in a smart and well cut business suit, it was definitely my lady from Pattaya. In fact she looked quite presentable and almost shaggable.

I must explain I was halfway between one of my biannual visits to the kingdom. After 3 months of a celibate existence in the UK I would have settled for an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. It is only the fear of sitting in A& E at the hospital with a vacuum cleaner hose attached to my appendage that actually prevents me. (I suppose I could claim I had slipped when cleaning my house whilst naked….no, best not risk it). But I digress.

She spotted me, gave me a friendly smile and immediately came over to me. I returned the smile and she greeted me like a long lost friend. After we had exchanged a few pleasantries she took me aside and explained it didn’t look good for my son. The magistrate was a staunch Methodist and had a strong opinion on young men and alcohol fuelled crime. It was a racing certainty he would want to send him down for a short sharp shock. However she promised she would make her recommendations to the court not to give him a custodial sentence. She then returned to the magistrate's chambers.

Twenty minutes later the court was called again to order and we resumed our seats to hear the summation.

The magistrate’s subsequent sentencing gave my son a hefty fine, community service and a year’s probation, but thankfully no prison. I was so relieved my son was not going down and so grateful for my friend’s intervention I almost regretted not giving her a shagging when I was in Pattaya.

Later when the court was dismissed my new best friend joined me and explained she was leaving the district but would ensure her best probation officer would deal with my son's subsequent processing. I thanked her profusely for her help. As she said her goodbyes she flashed me a wink and said “I shall not be going to Thailand again, next time it will be Goa or the Gambia. It is my turn to get laid by young strong men.

In the subsequent two years since this episode my eldest son has completely changed his ways. He took up playing football again and abandoned his hooligan friends. He now has a stable job, a steady girlfriend and we have become good friends. He comes to football matches with me and is my constant partner in our infamous Sunday drinking sessions.

As for me, my preferences for Asian womanhood are well documented as is my inclination to avoid western women when in the kingdom. However I am very careful at all times to be polite and courteous to everyone I meet. One never knows the future consequences of a misappropriate word or deed; I believe there is a resonance to every action we make.

And what about the Thai girlfriend I hear you ask? Well against all odds we still maintain regular contact and have remained close platonic friends for four years now. I meet her for dinner every visit I make to the kingdom. Our next meeting is already arranged for November.

I never saw or heard from my courtroom lady again, which is a shame. It is not inconceivable that we could have become firm friends. I am not absolutely certain if my post swim afternoon chats had any effect on her or if her report actually influenced the magistrates, but then again why let the facts spoil a good story?

Stickman's thoughts:

If there is a contributor who is more consistent, with crisp writing and engaging submissions, then I don't know know they are. Well done, Phet, your submissions are ALWAYS a good read!

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