Stickman Readers' Submissions August 30th, 2007

Understanding Thai Women Is Not Rocket Science

A friend came around the other day for a few wines and told me a story about a friend of his. He was a multi-millionaire, his wife left, he lost half. Now he is in his seventies but has plenty of lead in his pencil so he hooks up with a 20 or 30 year old for 12 months, then gives her the two door Mercedes, a few fur coats and moves on. That’s in America! He figures it costs him less.

He Clinic Bangkok

I read so many stories of older farang marrying girls 20 or thirty years younger. Why? Yes they are beautiful and funny and sexy. As guys get older they don’t wanna go out dancing and party all night and often from what I’ve seen they don’t really care about Thai culture. Are the alarm bells ringing yet? I don’t see too many broke farangs with beautiful 20 year olds.

If you really care about a Thai lady, firstly, marry one within ten years of your age, like the old wisdom in the west, same goes here in Thailand. If you don’t, most times you will be incompatible (often not so till the bank account is empty!)

I’ll tell the story of us to try to avoid any more generalizations.

CBD bangkok

I met my wife on the net. We chatted online and on the phone up to 5 or 6 hours a day for three months. I had all her phone numbers and could ring her anytime. I often spoke to her workmates and friends. I used my webcam so she could see me and with a cheap phone card I ended up ringing her every morning and either chatted and / or rang her every night. While my friends were warning me she would rip me off, her friends were warning her I would lure her to my country and put her into prostitution. Walk in another’s shoes for a while.

After three months I booked a flight and went to meet her in Bangkok. The family booked me into a serviced apartment nearby and every morning the nephew picked me up and brought me to the family home. We spent four days there and yes, I was being checked out. I was just myself and got drunk with my future brother in law often. After this time we traveled to the south of Bangkok where my lady worked and she had company accommodation and I was booked into a serviced apartment nearby. Of course, the arrangements were like that but secretly we were together in the serviced apartment. She was happy to be with me but suffered the stigma that others would think she was a bargirl. We finally held hands in public after we were engaged (the next trip there)

and then I was allowed to come upstairs in her office building and meet her co-workers.

I nicely embarrassed her oldest sister (the boss) by telling her about Thai history that she didn’t know. If you aren’t interested in your Thai lady’s culture, you really gotta ask yourself if you are really interested in her!

In December of that year we married. Now, here comes the money bit! The sin sod in Thailand is about out of date as a non-virgin getting married in white in the west. It’s bullshit, but, it is tradition and you gotta allow for that. I had the fortune to meet an older Thai lady on the plane over who had lived in Farangland 20 years and, when I was to be married I rang her. Her advice was that the sin sod is a money grab and forget it. I did however appreciate it was tradition. Her advice then was that I set an amount, one figure for the sin sod and the wedding. She said if the lady really loves you, they will accept it. <This is EXCELLENT adviceStick> I was good for 225,000 baht. I got a lot of frowns and stern looks but it was accepted. Good news is that a wedding at a 5 star western hotel was out the window and we got married complete with very professional wedding organizers in a Thai House Restaurant in Bangkok and it was great. The organizers cost around 20,000 plus agreed expenses and we had a ceremony in the afternoon with a reception in the evening for around 150 guests food, alcohol and everything for about 50,000 baht. I told my wife after that I didn’t come to get married in Thailand like a westerner. We had a traditional Thai wedding, professionally organized and mum still got 50,000 in her pocket. Where I got caught short was that I had to put the 225,000 on the golden tray for show then I got it back after the ceremony. They told me the day before the wedding! The gold & jewellery was borrowed from a sister in law for the occasion.

wonderland clinic

Before you get married you gotta clear up the commitments too. Unmarried Thai girls (especially those over 30) have to help support the family. If you turn up out of the blue and she marries you, she ain’t off the hook. I nailed down her commitments and stated what we would do, end of story. We gotta finish paying off the car (dad died 10 years ago). The good news is that we spend a lot of time in Thailand so when we are there the car is ours. I told her then, the day mum passes away I’m finished with any commitment but would finish the car commitment either way. As a friend of mine says, “marriage is a contract”. So tell her how much the sin sod / marriage is and negotiate the commitment before you marry but be prepared to walk away if you have to.

I read sometime ago a post where a guy married to a Thai said that if you don’t want a woman who wants to be with you all the time, don’t marry a Thai. I find that to be true. My lady hates to be alone and, in Thailand, she likes to show me off so I have to be with her most of the time. Often at home, we each do our own thing but, we are together just the same.

I think if you go to Thailand (or Philippines or Cambodia) to find a companion because you can’t find one at home and you don’t embrace her family and culture to some degree, you’re headed for trouble. May I be so bold as to say if you don’t, you probably don’t love her enough.

Another friend of mine who rooted his way around the Philippines had a good philosophy about fast women. The girls are like library books, when you finish reading it you gotta return it. If a woman there comes on to you too quickly, you gotta be sensible, especially if she is a lot younger than you. If you realize you’re thinking with your small head, don’t marry them. Throw a bit of money around, get pissed, have a good time then go home. There are a lot of lovely, honest, older women in Thailand too. A much better bet.

And my wife, she’s 39, no supermodel, but when she looks at me with those big brown beautiful eyes and hugs me, I think I’m the luckiest man in the world. There are good women in Thailand, but, just like the west, you gotta sort the chaff from the hay.

A few of my wife’s takes on the situation or things to be wary of (at least for over 30’s women)

– You should have all her phone numbers,

– Be wary of women who smoke and visibly drink too much in public,

– Tats are out for respectable women,

– Difficult to do but when we were down at Hua Hin some Isaan girls were with some American guys and my wife was horrified at the bad language they were using in their dialect – no need to explain this one!

– Men who take an interest in Thai culture and learn even a little of the language are respected more,

– At my option I will occasionally help out the family and she really appreciates it, even going shopping and filling up the fridge and always bringing back some nice fish or sweets for mum,

– Over 30’s who are showing affection in public (not normal for respectable Thai women)

– Women who are loud in public

– A big plus is if you socialize with the family and indeed stay in the family home when you are there.

– Including brothers and sisters in outings is showing respect to the family.

Some posts also talk about the intellectual age of Thai women. One needs to consider that around 50% of the population of Bangkok arrived there over the last 30 years, so bear in mind that many of the “city girls” are in fact from the provinces and they still have a lot of their old ways about them. You won’t find them to be cosmopolitan worldly types as a rule. I found that even chatting with some other Asian girls before I met my wife that a lot of them aren’t as plugged into what’s generally happening in the world as we farang are.

My wife is university educated but what she lacks in “worldliness” she makes up for by having a beautiful heart and an old wisdom about things. Perhaps it’s the Buddhism? She picks people very quickly and has a wonderful woman’s instinct about things. I don’t get a huge amount of intellectual stimulation from her but I don’t think she was born into this world to entertain me.

Having children is another issue you should sort out if you are starting to get serious. We’ve seen a few divorces here because the guy sort of glossed over the subject while he was pulling down his trousers. Settle that issue straight away. Again, in Thai culture, girls over 30 don’t see much chance of marrying. Then, along you come, a knight in shining armour. Even if she doesn’t admit it, most times these girls are dying to have a child (not unlike anywhere else in the world).

A lot of the stories in this forum talk about girls who have a boyfriend overseas and then play around with some of the writers. A good Thai girl probably won’t do it, but, if a guy starts something then goes home for 3 to 6 months and supports her, she’s sitting around with nothing to do and she’s become used to regular sex and companionship well, a few may go the wrong way too. Remember, these girls grow up in a tight knit family structure and aren’t used to being alone.

Showing affection is a new experience too. If your lady won’t hug you or shies away at first, don’t worry. They don’t show affection in the family home as a rule and my wife explained to me that she’d never really been hugged in her life except when she was a baby. Many times when I hugged her she just went rigid and tolerated it. Now, she’s the world’s greatest hugger here, hugs my folks and close friends and I hug her every day. When we left Thailand her mum wrapped her arms around me and wouldn’t let go.

I always hug her brother when we arrive and we leave, we are great pissheads together when we are there. Also, now, when she sees her workmates over there, they hug and I give them a sort of respectable “side on” hug, they are shy but love it. After two years of visiting, I saw my wife for the first time hug her mother just a few weeks ago. Just give your lady time. Golden rules of hugs, always ask her if you can have a hug or just open your arms and let her come to you. Also, never turn it sexual and you will always have heaps of hugs. My wife explained that some Thai doctor or expert recently said in the Thai media that families should hug each other every day so it’s slowly changing.

I was really confused when we would wake up in the morning and she wouldn’t talk to me or let me kiss her. Don’t worry about that one either. It’s just that many Thai girls are taught that they should have fresh breath before they so much as open their mouths in the morning. There was a toothpaste ad on Thai television with “Andrew” demonstrating this cultural habit a while back.

Basically, let her be respectable and humble in public and, unless you are very unlucky, you will most likely have the best ever lover behind closed doors. The main proviso being, that she feels loved and secure with you.

The good girls don’t brag about themselves and you will find that under that often demure quiet spoken exterior they are a lot smarter than you think. That is just the way they are brought up.

Anyway, that’s my two bob’s worth so if you don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places your odds of wonderful relationship are much greater.


Stickman's thoughts:

Some interesting thoughts. A good Thai wife is a wonderful thing, and a bad one is kinda like marrying the devil. Take your time to find the right one and you will be rewarded.

nana plaza