Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 186

  • Written by Dana
  • July 21st, 2007
  • 11 min read



MUTTONHEAD OR MAN?

Billions of frogs now have mysterious tumors, undersea tectonic plates are pulling apart and oozing primordial magma, the ozone layer is expanding and admitting cancer causing radiation, birds are losing migratory navigation instincts, sexual deviancy is seen as an alternative lifestyle choice, and condoms have moved from the pharmacy shelf to the political shelf . . . !

The center can not hold . . . all is entropy and the downward spiral of chaos and the denouement of simple systems and primitive creatures that have lost their way. The center can not hold . . . violence is increasing and happiness is decreasing and . . . the center can not hold . . . the earth is a closed system of increasing stress with no vent . . . the center can not hold. And what is the locus point, the trigger for this comprehensive breakdown of nature? Dana.

Dana has ideas . . . the very fabric of space and time has been ripped asunder and we are now living in the hell on earth of muttonheadedness. Muttonheads are in charge, and muttonheads are legislating, and muttonheads are taking away freedoms, and muttonheads are judging others. And whence comes their unending stamina and unerring instinct for fascistic fun? Dana. Dana has ideas.

What kinds of ideas? Well, he would like to have fun. And he would like to have sex. And he would like to live the life of a natural man. And he would like to live unencumbered by the insecurities and mean spiritedness of others. How dare he? How dare he want to live the life of a man? How dare he want to be self centered in his only life on earth? How dare he want to be able to make decisions about his life and how he lives it? Muttonheads hate these ideas. Muttonheads are challenged by natural living men, and men who can smile at women and get a smile in return. Muttonheads despise those of ego, and personal strength, and willingness to risk marching to a different tune. Muttonheads are in charge and have been in charge of every aspect of my life since I left home at age eighteen. The result worldwide is a crashing down and falling asunder of all that is good and fun and natural.

Two things rise to the top. Cream and scum. I have never seen a pond covered in cream. I could make a fortune selling scum. The scum army wants me to march carrying a flag with a condom on it. The flag of the muttonheads, the symbol of the impotent. The muttonhead mantra is that wearing this thing will be good for humanity. There is not a speck of evidence that humanity has any value. It is an intellectual abstract born of emotional baby talk. The Earth without the pestilence of humanity would be a happier place in the Universe and anyone personally contributing to the demise of humanity would be doing saint's-of-the-universe work.

Individual sharks, or individual roaches, or individual birds do not give a second's thought to others of their species. It is a natural life of self-interest and happiness earned in the face of risk and uncertainty. This is the way of things. Thinking of others in your species and behaving individually to benefit others is not natural and you should not get credit for it. You label yourself an aberration and in no way can you evidence meaningful anything. You had no lasting effect. You are not remembered. You are not appreciated. You are not loved. You wasted your time by flashing off the road when you should have been trying to pull down the pants of the woman in the back seat of the car. Leave it to muttonhead fascists to come up with a philosophy of behavior that flies in the face of all that is natural. Leave it to businessmen scum to substitute munitions sales in slow periods with the equally evil and spirit killing condom industry.

And it seems there is no way to avoid this evil. One day I was being toured by Chiang Mai Kelly in Pattaya who was kindly pointing out important pleasure sites:

"In this bar there is a super aggressive tranny who will have her hand in your pants before you have your beer."

"In this bar girls swim around naked in a big tank while shower shows and jacuzzi activities are going on."

"This is the name of the bar where Princess works and you can dip your wick in family business if you like."

"This place is populated by sociopathic motorcycle accident scarred skanks who will beat you to the floor and suck the golf ball through the garden hose right in the bar. You save money on a short time room."

After a while I had to go to the bathroom so we went in the back entrance to Mike's Department Store on 2nd Road and I asked the information girl where the bathroom was. According to Chiang Mai Kelly I had my linguistic Thai tones wrong and what I really said was "Where is the precious water?"

Miss Muttonhead Information Booth Girl with the brains of a gecko pointed to a condom rack on the counter and asked me if I wanted a condom.

"No I don't want a goddamned condom–I want to take a dump. I don't expect there to be any toilet paper but I would be most grateful if you could tell me where the shit house is. How's that for tones Mr. Chiang Mai Kelly?"

Apparently, "Would you like a condom?" is now the worldwide linguistic go-to for any form of miscommunication.

Astronauts: Cape Canaveral–do you have those computer coordinates for re-entry?
Nasa Space Center: No we don't but would you like a condom?

Heart Surgeon: Nurse, his aorta has torn–hand me a clamp.
Nurse: So solly no clamps–would you like a condom?

Frontline Sargent: Boy am I glad to see you return Rufus–did you bring the ammo?
Rufus: Sorry Sargent–no ammo but I brought a case of condoms.

The condom infestation can now be thought to be complete; and there is nothing ahead but chaos and oozing magma and the clash of wills. Every miscommunication, and every social construct, and every public intercourse will be met by–

"Do you want a condom?"

"Sure honey, I was actually asking for blueberries for my cereal; but hell yes, I'll just put condoms on my cereal instead. And while I'm at it I'll just cut off my cock and balls and spread them on toast. Ah breakfast, the best way to start the day."

With the muttonheads, and the fascists, and the bible thumpers in charge simple scenarios will be rewritten. Examples:

1. Thai stewardess informing passengers of imminent crash: Don't worry–under each seat is a giant condom that you can use as a water flotation device. If you are in First Class they are scented and purple and studded.

2. Me in a McDonalds restaurant ordering a cheeseburger: Sir, would you like condoms with that?

Sure, what the fxxx. I was kinda thinkin' I might like fries with my cheeseburger but I can see the politically incorrect error of my ways now. Just cover the plate in condoms and give me about fifty of the ketchup packets.

3. People saying something nice about me and my wife's baby boy: Gosh you must be so happy with your son. What's his name?

"His goddamned name is Broken Condom Dana Jr."

4. Schoolteacher to small children: Ok, children take out your condoms and your books. I know we used to say 'Take out your pencils and your books' but learning to use condoms is more important than learning to write.

5. History rewritten: Blood, Sweat, and Tears speech by Sir Winston (Victory) Churchill: May 13-1940:

"You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is condoms. Condoms at all costs -Condoms in spite of all terrors – Condoms, however long and hard the road may be, for without condoms there is no survival."

6. Martha Stewart Arts and Crafts TV Show: Today folks we are going to learn how to make Christmas Tree decorations with used condoms. Step Number One: get your young children to go around the house and get all the used condoms out of the waste baskets and up off the floor in mommy and daddy's room. And if there are not any used condoms then know that your children will report this to me, Martha Stewart; and I will notify the proper authorities. This may be an afternoon arts and crafts show for welfare mothers and the idiot daughters of the rich but we aren't fxxxing around.

BEFORE and AFTER conversations in the Muttonhead Future:

BEFORE: Children here comes your father so put on your backpacks. We are going to hike up the mountain and have cocoa and a cookout on the summit. Tomorrow you will all be able to tell your friends at school about the mountain you climbed.

AFTER: Children here comes your father so put on your condoms. We are going to hike up the mountain and have cocoa and a condom on the summit. Tomorrow you will all be able to tell your condoms at school about the mountain you climbed.

Count me out if this is the politically correct future where Muttonhead fascists have us believing that nut jobs walking around with giant strawberry scented ribbed condoms pulled down over their whole heads and bodies are normal. Count me out of this social craziness if the State requires baby doctors to suture condoms onto newborn penises at birth. Count me out if . . . hey, jackass–just count me out. I have absolutely no problem finding women for sexual pleasures who will go without condoms. I don't consider the other women. You take 'em. While the two of you are participating in some perversion of coupling–my lady and I will be bonking like demented rabbits and enjoying it.

Billions of frogs now have mysterious tumors, undersea tectonic plates are pulling apart and oozing primordial magma, the ozone layer is expanding and admitting cancer causing radiation, birds are losing migratory navigation instincts, sexual deviancy is seen as an alternative lifestyle choice, and condoms have moved from the pharmacy shelf to the political shelf . . . !

Don't blame me. I am not marching, and I am not singing, and I am not carrying someone else's knapsack, and I am not learning the secret handshake, and I am not coming to any meetings, and I am not laughing at the big boss's jokes, and I am not getting married, and I am not taking responsibility for women's issue from their loins, and I am not seeking approval or friendship, and I am not wearing a condom. Sure I attract attention to myself, and sure I'll be hunted down, and sure my history is already written in the deathknell books of the muttonhead fascists. But until that day I am living the life of a natural man. Self centered and happy. Confident and at ease.

I had my chance on earth and I rolled the dice for me. It was all about me. That is why I was granted life. I was not needed for any other reason. The Earth does not need any other humans. More pestilence is not a meaningful part of any evolutionary or philosophic program on this insignificant rock hurtling through an indifferent space towards an unrecorded future. If you think life has any purpose other than pleasure you are mistaken. Not even further procreation is a reason for life because more humans are not needed. We make no contribution to the health of the earth. All of our influences are negative. We are at the top of the food chain and at the bottom of the pond covered with scum. The only reason to be born, and the only reason to have life spilled in our direction, and the only reason to have erections is to run down and bring pleasure to ground.

I'm not wearing condoms. How about you? Are you a muttonhead or are you a man?

Stickman's thoughts:

It is ironic that literally 5 minutes before reading this I read a post on a popular Thailand nightlife discussion forum where a long-term member write a post titled, "Warning to everyone, HIV test came back positive…" That is the exact title name – I copied and pasted it.

I'm sorry, Dana, but you are reckless and dangerous. I admire your openness and honesty, but the act of sleeping with significant numbers of prostitutes and not covering up is asking for serious trouble.

Whether we like it or not, we have a responsibility to society. We cannot just do something because like it. We need to understand the potential impact on others.