Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 180

  • Written by Dana
  • June 9th, 2007
  • 5 min read




PREDENDIA . . . (or PUDENDA–I'm not really sure)

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing." (Charles Bukowski)

"There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be." (Norman Mailer)

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)


PROLOGUE

"One of the first (foreign cults) to find favor with the Romans was the cult of Cybele, the Asian nature goddess. Ceremonies centered on the annual death and rebirth of her consort, Attis, and worship was characterized by orgiastic dancing, sometimes ending in self-castration by her all-male priests." (Time-Life)

And you thought you had a wild time in that bar on Soi 4 last night? Holy suffering Jesus, I guess there is always someone who can tell a bigger story. I think it would take more than orgiastic dancing to get these priests to cut off their balls though. I'm no international jet setting party expert but I gotta feeling drugs and alcohol might have been involved. This instinct of mine regarding drugs and alcohol being involved is an example of thinking outside the box; something I am very good at. Another good example of this is the following essay entitled: I'M A THINKER. Anyway . . . this next story further illustrates the dangers of letting your emotions and your genitalia inhabit the same social arena.

I'M A THINKER

I'm a thinker! I can't take credit for it. It's a gift. Sometimes I just get ideas. The other day I was reading about a French dude named Peter Abelard who in the year 1117 met a beautiful sixteen year old girl named Heloise. Her uncle, Fulbert, asked Peter if he would tutor her. Well one thing led to another and Heloise got pregnant and gave birth to a son name Astrolabe (I thought this is what Columbus used to find Miami). Anyway, Fulbert (where do they get these names?) took exception to true love and had Peter's genitals cut off.

You know, maybe it's just me; but I've got some real problems with this story. Namely, how do we know this Heloise bitch didn't seduce Peter? The guy was a priest (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that) for God's sake (well, naturally)! If this righteous innocent priestly dude Peter was seduced by this snake in a short pleated skirt with suspenders (you know the kind I am talking about–way off to the side because these big jutting breasts are sticking out), white shirt, black loafers, and little white socks; I think the whole genital removal thing was a little outside the envelope.

I can see her now. Holding her schoolbooks on herbs and witchcraft to her bosom, and wearing a little Medieval backpack with the front straps hugging her high firm French breasts. Yeah–we know the type. Look out: the little harlot priest seducer is in town. Probably vacationed in Phuket.

Personally I have had my penis in many places in Thailand and I have no idea how it happened. Honestly, not the foggiest bonking notion. One moment I'll be walking down the boardwalk in South Pattaya with absolutely nothing going on in my head and twenty minutes later I'll be pounding meat in my room at the AA hotel on soi 13. No idea how it happened. I WAS SEDUCED.

Women can't be seduced because they are instruments of evil sponsored by Satan and given unlimited powers that they use to manipulate and humiliate and deflower and bankrupt men. But men can be seduced because we are nothing but innocent love filled cherubs without an ounce of self-interest. I think this whole seduction thing is why I have ended up with my penis in so many places and so many women. Really, when you think about it I am hardly even involved. Greater evil manipulative forces just take over my being. I can't be held responsible.

I think this is what happened to Peter in the year 1117. Heloise had on the little pleated schoolgirl short skirt and she bent over to pick up a piece of lint from his priestly vestments and bing bang boom–he was pounding Medieval meat and didn't even know how it happened.

For this reason I think the government of Thailand should meet all incoming farang males at the airport and have them sign a document that absolves them of all personal responsibility in the whole ‘banging women' department. This would eliminate a lot of social tension and show the world that Thailand is a world leader in the social sciences and in complete accord with the well known fact that 99% of the time when heavy duty bonking is involved the man was seduced by forces of sex unleashed by Satan that no man can resist.

I personally have tried to resist meaningless sex with brown eyed Issan wonders many times but once they blow in my ear, or get up on the bed on all fours naked and wave their rear at me I am a dead man. I think this government sanctioned document absolving incoming male farangs of all responsibility for where their penises are, and what their penises are doing while in the Kingdom is the future. Whose with me on this? Who wants to sign a petition and present it to Government House? I won't take all the credit for this. That's the kind of guy I am. But next time you are butt slamming a screamer with skin like silk and a bald pudenda–and you know that you have the government's understanding and protection; try to send a mental 'thank-you' out to me. . . !

Like I said: I'm a thinker.


Stickman's thoughts:

I swear that you need help…..from Foster!