Foster Foskin’s Agony Column 6
Foster, Foster! Help me. My public hates me, or loves me, or maybe both. I don’t know what to do. Am I to continue writing for these cretins? Perhaps they are genii (or is that geniuses?) instead.
Look, this is what happened. I started writing sappy stories about real people. I showed some real humility and bared my soul. My stories about the Ironing girl and Noi (my wife) have seriously upset people.
I know I tell you I don’t care. But I do. I really do. My ego is as tender as anyone’s. I bruise easily. My tomatoes bruise easily. Sweet Jesus on a cracker! My women bruise easily, but at least they ask me to do it for them.
The point is, and I’m getting to it slowly but surely, is that I’ve transgressed. My readers can’t understand what I am writing. I’ve gone from raving loony to tender hearted gentleman (well almost) with just a few words penned in a weak moment. They can’t understand it.
I keep telling them, Read the words, Read the words. But do they listen? Do they read?
Instead, they write nasty things about me in online forums.
“Is Dana losing it? Nah! How can you lose what you never had?”
“Dana has had too many trannies. He’s got his knickers in a knot and his brain in breadcrumbs!”
“Was that Dana I just read? Or was it a simulacra?”
“Oh Dana! You have just blown my mind. Put it back in my pants for now, will you?”
I’ll be hounded out of Stickman. Never allowed to haunt those hallowed halls again. Oh, woe is me.
Foster, you have to help me. Put me in a Tuk-Tuk and send me to NEP where I can regain my equilibrium, or at least take some Librium or pabulum, or opium. My head is spinning out of control. I need some LSD, some TLC, some DRM, or maybe a What can I do?
Your humble scribe and fellow fumbler
Jeez, Dana. Sit down first and stop turnin’ in circles. No wonder yer bloody dizzy.
I can understand yer dilemma. It must be hard ter be a bloody genius and go unappreciated. Never mind mate. Yer could always try what all the great artists have done throughout history. They died and then became ragingly famous.
Of course, this might not work fer you mate. It is a bit of a permanent condition and I reckon yer just aren’t ready ter become that famous yet, are yer?
Besides, yer haven’t reached 200 Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes yet mate. Give yerself a goal like that and stick ter it. Yer can’t give up just now. And remember, mate, critics are just blokes who can’t do anythin’ constructive.
Put yer head between yer knees, take a few deep breaths, and watch what yer put in yer mouth before yer start writing!
Dear Doctor Foskin, I hope you don’t mind me calling you Doctor. You are indeed a great healer. Remember when I called you up not long ago and asked if the new bump on my nose was anything to worry about?
You recommended that I try an abrasive to get it off.
Well, good news! I took your advice and it worked.
It wasn’t easy. Finding good abrasive material is difficult, but I finally found some up on Soi 6 in Pattaya. The abrasive was cut to just the right height. My assistant was most helpful. She moved the abrasive at just the right speed to achieve the desired effect.
I highly recommend your technique oh Great Healer Foster. But next time, perhaps you could prescribe some perfumed soap as well? The abrasive material left a definite aroma around my nose that took several vigorous washes to eliminate.
Good ter hear yer schnozzle is back ter normal mate. There’s nothin’ more distractin’ than an unusual growth on the nose. Glad yer found the perfect way ter get it orf. Next time, I recommend yer use an abrasive that hasn’t been used before. That will take care of the bad smell. Usin’ one that’s washed dozens of tools is bound ter pong a bit mate.
Dear Foster, as a churchman, and a moral, upright citizen, I really must protest at the unseemly advice you sometimes dispense. Imagine telling someone to use cunnilingus to rid themselves of a bump on the nose! This is outrageous. You are promoting bad morals and I loudly protest.
Cardinal Bentam Low, Boston
Ah, I see yer come from the same place as me old mate Dana. Yer might remember him. He was the bloke who said, “Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers” after youse were arrested fer pedophilia and other sex crimes.
Yeah, I guess yer have ter be an upstanding citizen fer that don’t yer?
Anyway, who said I recommended cunnilingus to help the Schnozzer? All I told him was ter go out and find a shiela with a supply of the really rough dish washing pads. Yer know, the ones with the green abrasive material? Me mate Schnozzer tends ter get these unsightly lumps on ‘is nose when ‘e goes out in the sun too much. The best way ter get rid of ‘em is ter scrub ‘em orf. He found a shiela ter help him who owns a tool washing business down in Pattaya.
Methinks yer might have a slight case of dirty mind there me old mate. Have yer heard these yet?
“How do you circumcise a priest? Kick the choirboy in the chin.”
“Why did the priest go to Walmart? He wanted to get boys pants half off.”
Foster promises that in future columns he will be answering YOUR questions. So send him more!
It should be noted that the names in this column are fictional and bear absolutely no resemblance to handsome, prolific, charming and supremely popular Stickman submission writers.