Foster Foskin’s Agony Column 5
• Third Space Paradise Hotel
• Yahai Hotel
• Zhong Gang Hotel
• Days Hotel Shanghai
Dear Khun Foster, I'm Thai, male. My name's Tanes. You say it ‘Tanet’. (please bear with my English).
I’m not so sure you can help me, but you know already so much about my country. It’s very impressive for me. You even go traveling a lot than a native like me.
My problem. I have farung girlfriend. She is come from USA. I like her very much. When I meet her she have big breasts. I like very much. My friends like very much too. They very jealous me.
Now, she come back from hospital this week. She have breast reduction. Her breast small like Thai girl now. I have lost face and I do not know what to do.
Your Thai friend Tanes
G’day Tanet, how’s it hangin’? It’s always nice to hear from me Thai readers, especially the blokes. It’s lucky yer mentioned you are a Thai male, or I would have had a very different vision of youse, because in the next paragraph yer say yer a native. Very confusing that, mate. I was picturin’ a bloke with a bone through ‘is nose, fuzzy hair, and a spear. But I ‘aven’t seen too many of them around ‘ere, have you? So I guess yer must be one of them paler natives, eh?
Jeez! It must be a very painful time for you right now. Yer lost your girlfriend’s big tits and your face? Not much yer can do about the missin’ tits. I reckon that’s up ter yer shiela. But I’d keep an eye ‘er mate, if I was youse. Sounds like she’s goin’ a bit native ‘erself. Next, she’ll be wearin’ a cute little school uniform. Yer know, tight black slit skirt, white shirt strainin’ over ‘er white, sexy body. Crikey! I need a beer just thinkin’ about it.
Now, yer lost face is a bit of a puzzle. How’d yer lose it? One second yer talking about yer girlfriend losin’ ‘er tits, and the next yer talkin’ about losin’ yer face. Can’t yer remember where yer put it?
I dunno, youse Thai blokes must be a bit different ter us Aussies, mate. I’d be hard pressed ter lose me bloody face even when I get shitfaced. Good luck Tanet me old mate. If yer do find yer face again, yer might want ter go and visit yer shiela.
But until then, I’d lay low!
Hello there Foster, it’s your old friend Union Hill.
I’ve got a bit of a problem I never thought I’d ask the likes of you. But since you are the envy of a lot of us farungs here, living as you are with two women, I need to get your opinion on how to handle a very strange situation. Strange for me, anyway.
As you know, I not only like to write for Stickman. I like to live the life of a stickman too. My exploits, once I get away from my wife’s watchful eye, have tittilated Stickman readers for a few years.
Everything has been relatively simple up until now. I would go out, find a whore or two, and the second bang would be the sound of the door slamming shut.
But I was walking through a department store the other day. I was just ambling along, looking at the pretty girls. Nothing on my mind, as usual.
One of the girls called me over, and the next thing I know her and her work mate are both vying for my attentions.
Here’s my problem. Do I take them both out on a date together? And if I do, where should I take them?
I never thought I’d be hearing from the likes of you either, Union Hill. I guess yer must be feelin’ a bit dazed at yer luck, eh? Two good shielas and yer don’t know what ter do with ‘em? Crikey, mate. That’s somethin’ I never thought I’d hear from you.
I don’t really see the problem though. If I were you, I’d go out and buy meself a supply of them little blue pills, a coupla tubes of KY, and a large box of condoms first. Stash ‘em back at yer second apartment. I know yer’ve got one of them. I’ve met yer missus and I wouldn’t want ter be around if she found them supplies in the flat yer share with ‘er, let me tell yer.
Then go back and take them two little beauties out fer a slap up meal, and a bit of slap and tickle afterwards. I reckon yer might be on ter somethin’ there me old mate.
But if yer can’t handle it all, I’ll talk to Nok-Nok and see if they are up fer a bit of variety. Can’t leave the poor girls in the lurch now, can we mate?
Dear Mr Foskin, I’d like to ask you about excess. You see it all the time in Thailand. So many Western men come here, see the cornucopia of delights awaiting them, and then literally go overboard. No matter what their lives were like back home, as soon as they get off the plane they check their brains in at the customs desk. From then on, they are obsessed with getting as much sex as possible. These men seem to live for their next sexual experience. Sometimes they actually have sex three or four times in a day! I find that excessive, don’t you?
Do you think this is a good idea? I know you yourself lead a very active sex life, but I believe you are a young, strong man with healthy appetites.
It’s the old, fat, balding men with seemingly unlimited cash who worry me. Isn’t there something we can do to save them from debauchery?
As I started readin’ yer letter, mate, I thought yer were goin’ ter entertain us with some news about a new rock band called Excess. Yer might of heard about that famous group from Aussie called INXS, eh?
But yer disappointed me.
I don’t really see the problem me blue-nosed little warrior. I reckon yer probably just a bit jealous. Yer see all them blokes getting’ what yous’ed like ter have. But yer haven’t got the money or the balls fer it, have yer?
Dunno where yer got the idea I’m a young man. I’m a bit closer ter grey hair than I would like ter be. But I can tell yer me appetites are just as good as they were when I was a young nipper.
Here’s me theory about life, mate. Every time yer miss out on beddin’ a shiela, that’s one yer’ll never ‘ave the opportunity to catch again.
Lots of sex keeps yer young and happy. As long as yer gettin’ yer end away as often as possible it don’t matter how old yer are. Heck, I know a few blokes up ‘ere who have gone out with one hell of a smile on their face. And why not?
I recommend yer let down yer inhibitions, spend a bit of cash, and find out what life is really about mate. Get yerself a few shielas and learn how ter be happy! If yer aren’t happy, why the heck are yer stayin’ in Thailand? Yer should go back ter your old wife back ‘ome. If she’ll ‘ave yer, that is.
Foster promises that in future columns he will be answering YOUR questions. So send him some!