Stickman Readers' Submissions May 3rd, 2007

The Hah-Sip Hah-Sip Hotel, Pattaya (An Advertisement)

China Hotel Guide
• Lao Di Fang Hotel
• Lushan Hotel Shenzhen
• Metropark Hotel Shenzhen
• Pattaya Hotel Shenzhen

The Management at the Hah Sip–Hah Sip Hotel, would like to extend a warm welcome to all new guests staying at our truly unique and specialist Hotel, here on Soi 13, situated in the centre of beautiful Pattaya Beach.

We specialise in providing the very best service to those guests, who anticipate only a 50/50 chance of a waking return flight back to their homeland. We particularly welcome our most frequent and predictable clients, those of
Teutonic origin, who have provided our profit margin, and then some, for a number of years.

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The Five Star Boutique services are comprehensive and unrivalled in the Hotel business.

If required, a free ambulance collection service from the airport to the hotel is available. If you can’t smell cheap Whiskey on the driver’s breath and he appears to know how to drive, please do not hesitate to call us and we will send
a replacement!

Upon arrival (assuming you do arrive), you will be greeted by our friendly, professional staff, and a free welcome pint of JW Black Label, to get you in the party mood. After check-in, all the facilities available to guests will be fully explained and
charges thereon.

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Several extra heavy-duty lifts are located throughout the complex and guests can relax in the knowledge that there are no stairs whatsoever in the hotel, thus allaying any fears about there being a safe means of egress from the building.

The Suites

Complimentary cranes provided over bed and bathing areas. SWL=1.5t

(Please inform our help desk (ext. 01) if a larger item is required.)

A fabulous bespoke wooden coffin will double-up as your bed during your short stay. Should your corpulent mass expire during sleep, rest assured that our happy staff will simply screw the lid down and forward you to your Embassy. Such is our commitment
to service, here at the Hah Sip-Hah Sip Hotel.

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Highly dangerous power points are located throughout the suite, especially in the bathing areas. All power installations have been fitted using only the most galactically incompetent staff and the cheapest possible materials. In the unlikely event of
you requiring the services of our maintenance engineer, khun Somchai (aka ‘Old Sparky’), just visit the basement and follow the trail of glue-bags.

All suites from the 4th floor up have large balconies that afford a truly stunning view across the Soi. The individual balconies are fitted with our Patented ‘Quick Release Bar’ mechanism, which, when activated will allow the guest a straightforward
exit, without the need for an undignified clamber over the rails.

Special jump training classes are available to book in the Hotel, with our fully qualified free-base instructor, Khun Witti Gaypantii. (See Facilities section.)

The structure against the wall, which appears to be some type of caravan, is in fact your maxi-bar/larder. Fully included in the package deal, it contains enough booze and high cholesterol foods, to keep that blood pressure up and arteries narrow until
the big day. Guests are politely reminded that Smoking is Compulsory in the Hotel complex.

Upgrades & Options

Guests who subscribe to our 'Golden Goodbye' upgrade package, will be issued with a special access pass to lift shaft number 3. For your convenience, no lift has been fitted, thus allowing a minimum free fall of at least
14 floors into a starving crocodile infested sewer. Please be aware that a queuing system may be in operation during high season, but cameras are permitted. Note that this sewer outfall terminates at the Prawn Farm at nearby Bunglumpypoo, ensuring
a top quality and discrete no-trail disposal.

Those guests requiring a little more drama will have the use of our scenic roof top facilities, where Olympic size diving boards are located on the parapets for your final free-fall down to Soi 13.

And hey! You might even land on one of your fellow countryman!

For those guests requiring a little ‘push in the wrong direction’, our Concierge (ext. 02) can arrange for one of the many local psychopathic babes to escort you. Specially selected for their stunning looks, insanity and greed, these gals
will provide the perfect partner for your remaining days at the Hah Sip-Hah Sip Hotel.

Should a guest prefer the ‘Face to the Floor Tiles in the 7/11’ option, we will be happy to accommodate with the following proviso: Please leave our Hotel card your back pocket only. This is important
because it is unlikely that any attending medics will be able to access your front pockets, due to the shear mass of blubber usually encountered. The card contains that all-important memo, “Do Not Resuscitate, Please contact
the Hah Sip-Hah Sip Hotel, Soi 13, for free removal”.

Located on the 2nd floor is our purpose built Gym facility. Not to be confused with the standard format of weight training and exercise contraptions; ours is constructed and managed for the sole training of guests in the art of high diving techniques.

The one day course is run by our fully trained free-base instructor, Khun Witti Gaypantii (ext. 06)

K. Witti’s expertise and a complete loathing of Farangs make him the perfect choice of teacher in this much-maligned art. The class commences with the warm-up exercise’s consisting of binge drinking, chain smoking and general incoherent
mumbling. Once warmed up, students are introduced to the ‘Big Jump’ apparatus, consisting of a 3m high diving board from which students can practice dives onto a white safety mattress. The mattress is white so that porn movies can
be projected, to encourage those whose dive experience has never been anything higher than a fridge door handle.

K. Witti will demonstrate a typical standard dive and show off his expensive gender reassignment surgery. He will also explain that apart from looking un-cool, flapping of arms during descent will not enable you to fly.

On the 4th floor, we welcome you to the only Five-star 24-hour Booze & Buffet Restaurant in Pattaya, ‘FLATLINERS’. We promise you that you will not find a more deliciously unhealthy menu anywhere in Thailand,
with all food prepared by our famous German Head Chef, Hans Offalburger. Hans will prepare most meals to order, but it always makes him happy should you ask for his Bavarian speciality menu. Always a favourite treat from this menu is the sublime
‘FattWurst’ or Lard Sausage. Lovingly prepared from prime cuts of imported pork fat, and formed into 12” long sausages, deep fried in Goose grease and served with a pint of triple cream. Bon Appetite!

So What Are You All Waiting For?

Just book online, (all major cards accepted) and come and enjoy your ‘short’ stay at the Hah Sip-Hah Sip Hotel.

The Hah Sip-Hah Sip Hotel

(You’ll never leave!)

Stickman's thoughts:

Very amusing!

The author cannot be contacted.
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