Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 176

  • Written by Dana
  • May 14th, 2007
  • 7 min read


China Hotel Guide
• Royal Court Hotel Shanghai
• Ruitai Jing An Hotel
• Shaanxi Business Hotel
• Xin Dong Fang Hotel Shanghai


Warning: The following essay/article is full of a lot of scientific words and ideas and stuff. So probably most of you should just steer clear. You can't teach a cat to play the piano, and some guys just can't . . . well, you know if it is you. A literary road sign would say 'Smart People Stuff Up Ahead'. If you are the kind of guy who thinks a paradox is two piers in a harbor then the following is not for you.

DANA ALERT:

Who loves you baby? This is a Dana Central Dana Alert (DCDA) here for those of you that want to save money on Viagra but not lose any opportunities–if you catch my drift. Rotten bananas. That's right Sticksters and Danaites: rotten (or way overripe) bananas produce and issue nitric oxide and nitric oxide is the trigger that leads to erections. How do I know this? I'm not even going to respond to that. It's Dana man. Who loves you baby? Anyway, eating rotten bananas (or overripe bananas) leads to erections and pretty damned fast. You'll wonder what the hell happened and then remember that you just had a black squishy banana. No need to thank me. Erection research in third world countries is my life. Dr. Schweitzer had that whole Lambarene hospital thing in Africa goin' on, Einstein was gettin' ideas about gravity while takin' a dump, and I'm trying to figure out how to get from six inches to nine inches. God chooses each of us for a special mission. And don't make like it's nothing. How many black squishy bananas have you choked down for Science? Exactly.

So this is what I do. I have rotten bananas every other day. This cuts my Viagra usage in half. Saves money, saves time going to the Pharmacy on 2nd road where the buck toothed girl works, and saves side effects to my delicate Swiss watch system. When you've got a body like mine you do not want to overload it with outside influences. I'm a natural Adonis so I just want to live a natural life. Anyway, one banana is enough if you are under one hundred and fifty pounds. Two bananas if you are one hundred and fifty pounds up to two hundred pounds. No data available for freakish monsters over two hundred pounds. Just like with Viagra you do not want to over medicate. Too many bananas can lead to being stopped up. And I mean stopped up like you can not believe. Want to talk Science? Take a handful of pharmaceutical grade calcium powder, and a handful of bacon bits, and a handful of Essan dirt, and a half a loaf of stale French bread and eat them all at once. The whole load in one go. It will take blasting caps and a quart of oil to get you moving again. But that is kid stuff compared to what you can get with too many bananas.

So where do you get rotten bananas in Pattaya without having to pay for them? Simple. Every day there is a bunch of fruit vendors in the parking lot at the back entrance to Mikes Department store. Unsold fruit that is deemed (science word I think) past it's prime is often just left on the ground. So if you are strolling down 2nd road one night with your teeruk and you see a well dressed handsome farang bent over double and sorting through the black or pulpy (or black and pulpy) bananas that is me. Don't worry about the soi dogs–we're friends. I mean what soi dog doesn't want to save money on Viagra. Exactly. Anyway, if you spot me don't come over and speak to me. These bananas are mine if I am there. Shove off. Banana harvesting like this can save up to forty baht per week. Real money. Who feels foolish now?

And why am I dressed up you may ask? Simple. I was actually on the way to the Alcazar show palace and I like to dress to impress. Four pleat peg leg black silk pants, pink silk shirt with matching black collar and black French cuffs, Gucci watch, high thread count pink silk socks, black suspenders, black and pink bow tie, black dyed crocodile loafers with laminated soles and heels, and the appropriate amount of gold jewelry (not overdressing is my watchword and my mantra). Was I on my way to the Alcazar show palace to see the transvestite show? Not bloody likely mate (Australian). Crikey me bilabong (more Australian)–I'm smarter than that. Funny story: I asked a Pattaya boardwalk freelancer if she would 'crikey me bilabong' and she said she wanted more than 300 baht. But I digress–I wasn't really going to see the show at the Alcazar, just the girls.

Seeing the show would cost money. I don't want to sound like some kind of Professor-of-Pattaya (PoP) here but if you are living in Pattaya and you are spending money unnecessarily then you have lost the plot. Clever seasoned expats can get through a whole day and not spend anything. These are gods to me. That is the baseline gentleman. Get through the whole day that includes drinks and bonks and spend nothing. You keep your own scorecard. Anyway, after the show the girls go out into the parking lot where the paying customers who just saw the show can have their pictures taken with the girls. You usually start off kinda bashful and shy, and then really get into it. Grabbing everything in sight until it feels like there is a squirrel in your pants. Maybe I have said too much.

Ok, back to serious science and stuff. There are two shows per day and the alert vacationing westerner or the interested expat can be at both of these parking lot parties every night of the week. That is when I show up. A parking lot full of jacked up trannies and me. And since I discovered this banana thing I always try to show up with two rotten bananas. I open the bag and the girl looks inside. One of the black squishy bananas is for me. And she knows who the other one is for. God I love this town. Alright, it's not Dr. Albert Schweitzer Mr. Big Deal Nobel Peace Prize Winner treating lepers in Africa but let's be fair. He was probably surrounded by thousands of tons of rotten bananas and you never see his name and erections in the same sentence. Exactly.

So that is it. Another service from Dana Central. I could have been a famous supermodel, I could have been an idolized professional athlete, I could have been a condom demonstrator in department store windows, but I decided to think about things that would benefit humanity (meaning men). Rotten bananas every other day can cut Viagra bills, and Viagra pill side effects, and stupid useless womanlike time spent shopping. Trust me when I tell you I have done the research. I don't have no videos, or photos, or webcams (?), or nuttin'–but believe me when I tell you that if my limp dick sees a black banana come in the house it knows what is going to happen next. Hey, and I know what you are thinkin'. You are thinking: "How does this rockin' cat know this stuff?" Well, let's put it this way. I'm not like other guys.

The research scientists (Essan women in lab coats and high heels) at Dana Central World Headquarters (DCWH) are now working on figuring out how to place impermeable (science word again) plastic bags over the tops of banana plantations. Imagine condoms fifty to five hundred acres in size. Well, you think about it. The word condom just gives me brain freeze. Big brain freeze because these plastic bags would have to be huge. Probably need giant cranes, and military helicopters, and rockets that fire ropes, and a computer program with words like telemetry and erection, and highly trained trannies in jump suits and stuff. Honk if you love really complicated science. Anyway, it turns out that banana plantations give off a gas called nitric oxide. And we all know what nitric oxide does in Penisland. Heck, even the South Pattaya 2nd road soi dogs know. The plan would be to capture for sale this nitric oxide gas foolishly expunging (science word) itself into the universe. We would call the product BHB– 'Bananas Helping Bananas' –if you get my drift. Anyway, I think that capturing nitric oxide rising off banana plantations is the future. Who is with me on this? Send your ideas and your tax deductible donations into the webmaster of Stickmanbangkok.com. He is on this idea like a dog on a bone. And don't forget to ask about franchise opportunities.

Who Loves You Baby?

Stickman's thoughts:

Original. 100% original.