Readers' Submissions

Only In Thailand

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 24th, 2007
  • 7 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

China Hotel Guide
• Universal Ever-Rich Hotel
• Argyle Ryden International Hotel
• City Hotel Shanghai
• Delight Pacific Hotel Ladoll Shanghai

My story begins a dozen ago, when I landed in Thailand for the first time. Before this I had been divorced twice, once to a valedictorian of Bennington College, and the 2nd to a girl from Hong Kong whose father owned a fleet of ships carrying cargo all over the world. Now at the pristine age of 43, I was happily single again and free. Free from the responsibilities, the daily melodramas, and the horrendous financial burdens that come with the territory known as marriage. Those of you who have survived from this hopeless routine know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, getting back to my story. As a single, I started to date this very nice Chinese girl. Our relationship mostly consisted of her telling me about her family's yearly pilgrimage to Phuket. She showed me pictures, mostly of her in a string bikini on the beach, and a few more of the beautiful tropical scenery that defines that part of the world. I was hooked. When we broke up several months into the relationship, I decided that a trip to this beautifully exotic place was just what the doctor ordered.

Before I go on, I will tell you that I have been all over the world. Grew up in New York, lived and studied in Europe, traveled all over Asia (except Thailand), South America, and my family owned a small villa on the little island of Tobago in the southern Caribbean for 10 years. I've done my share of traveling, and I feel fortunate to have had so many opportunities to see the world. When I finally arrived in Bangkok, I checked into the Nana Hotel, and just thought I landed in heaven. Found Nirvana on earth, coming to the conclusion that God did do good things even for atheists. I stayed in Bangkok for 10 days, went to Chiang Mai for a week, and then finally to Phuket for another 10 days. You know the story, beautiful women everywhere, and the smiles. So many smiles. I've never seen so many smiles in my entire life as I saw in that one month of traveling to Thailand. In my part of the world hell would freeze over, thaw out from the global warming and freeze again before I saw a single smile. I was certainly addicted to this beautiful country.

In the years to follow, perhaps 5, I spent every summer traveling though Thailand. In fact since going to Thailand, I have had no interest in any other part of the world. Europe is boring and predictable and bloody expensive, America is filled with too many religious fanatics and rude people, and the rest of Asia which I like more than other places in the world, is just not my cup of tea. So, as a result, for the last 12 years, I have only graced the shores of beautiful Thailand.

On the 6th trip, I met one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on. She was working as a receptionist in a beautiful hotel in Chiang Mai. One afternoon, I went to the front desk, to book a trip to Phuket for a girl I met in a disco in Bangkok a year before. And we had emailed each other for about a year and I felt like asking her to accompany me to Phuket for a week. The only trouble I had, was that I couldn't take my eyes off the halo which was floating over the receptionist's head. This woman was radiant, gentle, funny, and drop dead gorgeous. Her smile filled up every corner of the lobby, and every cell in my body. Intoxicating. So after about 20 minutes of trying to book two flights to Phuket, I said, "Wait, I must be an idiot. Why don't you come with me to Phuket?"

She just laughed, but her co-worker who was near by and had overheard my offer looked her in the eye, and said, "What, are you ding dong?" (crazy).

Needless to say, I stayed in Chiang Mai another week, getting to know my beautiful receptionist. Every night for a week, her friend , who was about 40 years old, chaperoned, while we all went to every great restaurant in the north. At the end of the week, she finally agreed to go to Phuket with me for a 7 day holiday.

To make a long story short, we married eventually. Me 45, her 24. We live in the States. She has a great job, and we are very happy together. Now she has just turned 30, takes care of me like a king, and I think I must be the luckiest man alive. We travel on holiday once a year to Thailand every summer.

Now, with this background, I can tell you my "Only in Thailand" story.

One year, on our holiday, we were flying to Chiang Mai from Bangkok. I saw another Farang / Asian couple on the plane. And since the gentleman was wearing a New York Yankee baseball cap, I assumed correctly that he was from my home town. When we were collecting our baggage in the Chiang Mai airport, I noticed that he was picking up his golf clubs. I too am an avid golfer. I stuck up a conversation with this man, and it turned out that we were staying in the same hotel. I asked him if he'd like to play golf with me, and he said yes. So, the next morning we set out for an enjoyable day on the links. As golf usually brings people together, we became friends, and made plans after the golf to have dinner together. His wife was Korean, and loved to shop, and have you ever met a Thai woman who doesn't love to shop? So after dinner the two girls made plans to go through the Night Bazaar.

Just before we parted, my wife and the Korean lady told us that they would be about 30 minutes, and asked us to wait at this little French bistro across the street from the McDonalds. We told the girls to take their time. But my wife, who was pretty shrewd on the fact that we could get into trouble easily on any street in Thailand, insisted that we meet exactly 30 minutes later. She is one sharp cookie.

We waved good-bye to the girls as they went deep into bargain mania, and no more than 8 seconds later, my Yankee friend looked me in the eye, and said "Do you know any go-go bars in the area". I said no, and reminded him that we only had 29 minutes left over before the girls arrived back from shopping. He said, "Well, let's ask a tuk tuk driver." I said OK, and to both of our amazement, the tuk tuk guy said there was a good one right around the corner. We hopped in the tuk tuk, and the driver took us to this go go bar. Now we had about 25 minutes left. We sat in the bar, were surrounded by 10 dancing beauties, and about 20 other stunners who were sitting in various stages of undress around the stage. After ordering two beers, Mr. Yankee called a gorgeous creature over to him, asked her if she could service him in 10 to 15 minutes, she said "up to you", and off we go. Me, Mr. Yankee, and Ms. Quickie Nookie hopped in the tuk tuk, and off we went to a short time hotel around the block. Now there was about 13 minutes left. I told Mr. Yankee to hurry the hell up, because I didn't want to lose the love of my life over his obsessions, and the two of them strode off hand in hand to the hotel. I sat in the tuk tuk with my broken Thai and his broken English, and the two of us had a great broken conversation. I did however, take the time to look at my watch, and count down the remaining minutes left before life as I knew it was over, and never dreamed in a million years that Mr. Yankee could do the hanky-panky in world record time. But with only 2 minutes left, Mr. Smiling Yankee comes out of the hotel, and jumps in the tuk tuk. The driver, not needing any provocation, rips the tuk tuk into overdrive, and we arrive back at the French restaurant. We jump out of the tuk tuk, go to the bar, and not 2 seconds, (I kid you not) later, I see my wife and her Korean shopping partner in bargain crime turn the corner, and wave to me. 5 seconds later they sat down at a table, and asked us what we were doing. Thankfully we were holding two beers, and we told them we were having a great time people watching.

At the end of the day, I thought to myself, where else in the world, can a guy can get laid in 29 minutes while his wife was window shopping on the next block.

ONLY IN THAILAND!!!!

Stickman's thoughts:

That story really makes me laugh and for sure, it's an only in Thailand story!