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Living An Illusion



China Hotel Guide
• Railway Hotel Shanghai
• Ramada Plaza Shanghai Hotel
• Sheng Xian Hotel Shanghai
• Sofitel Hyland Hotel

They say a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. My step was a long, hard look at my life. Where many people were financially devastated, the 90’s were surprisingly kind to me. I decided that I would pay cash for my home rather than be saddled with a mortgage. Then I set out to acquire every toy I thought I needed. Being single, and unburdened by debt, gives you a hell of a lot of disposable income. Disposable is such an appropriate word, too, because I would have gotten only slightly less enjoyment by burning it or throwing it away. Toys are great but they’re a poor substitute for happiness. I had everything. And I had nothing.

How many times have you wished your life were different? After much soul-searching, I decided that there had to be something more out there and I decided to find it. Fortunately, I am not hurting for funds. I have some set aside from before the dot com crash and, even though I was spending so foolishly, I’ve managed to add a bit to it over the last six years. Like most people, I still have to work but I am really fortunate in that I don’t have to work all the time if I choose not to. I do contract work and have decided that I really only need to work six months out of the year. When my last contract was wrapping up, I decided to take three months off. It ended up actually being four because of the start date of the follow-on contract I chose to accept. I decided that Thailand offered what I was looking for and went about making plans. I’ve read so many stories about visa issues / complaints but I found it surprisingly easy to obtain a one-year, multiple entry visa. With that, I headed off to Bangkok.

Everything I’d heard wasn’t necessarily true but it was close enough. Walking out of a 7-Eleven one day, just down the street from Pratunam, I saw what I was searching for. Slight build, honey-colored skin, long black hair, gorgeous legs and an ass that stopped traffic, I knew she was the one. Emerald eyes would have been a nice touch but probably too much to hope for. I quickly approached and tried to talk to her using what little Thai I had managed to learn. Thankfully she spoke English. It wasn’t perfect but I know it was better than my Thai would ever be. We met up two days later for an evening on the town. As the time approached, I wondered how many friends would come along or what other games she might play. I was surprised, but definitely not disappointed, when she showed up alone. Only one week in country and I’d found exactly what I needed. The search had ended but the journey had only begun.

Dinner was nice. An intimate setting, with little in the way of distractions, allowed us to have a wonderful conversation. Afterwards, we decided to forego the rest of the plans we had made and headed to Charoen Krung Road where we found an isolated, and much deserted, pier overlooking the river by the CAT Tower. One of their security guards came around to check on us several times. A moonless night, a cool breeze and her in a form-fitting dress with no jacket had her in my arms in no time. I have to admit I wanted much more than that but it felt really good. Imagine my surprise when she kissed me. That is something I definitely wasn’t expecting. Shortly after that, the security guard came back and told us we had to leave. She asked me if I’d like to go back to her place. Seeing the way her ass looked in that dress, I couldn’t have said no even if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t want to. That night was everything I could have hoped for and more. She didn’t have a single hair between her legs. A small tuft of hair is ok but to be completely hairless is a thing of beauty. As it turns out, she’d spent quite a bit on permanent hair removal treatments. By the end of the second week, I had moved in with her. I was looking forward to the next three and a half months.

On the surface all was calm. Beneath that beautiful façade, however, was someone who was in great pain. I could see where things were headed but I was powerless to stop it. She was completely unhappy with everything about herself. My skin is too dark. It wasn’t. My nose is too wide. No way. My breasts are too small. Are you crazy? My ass is too big. You’re kidding, right? Her ass was fine. I’ve never seen another one that got my blood pumping the way hers did. She’d already had surgery on most every part of her body. Still, she wasn’t happy with what she saw. She’d been saving for one last major surgery <Cripes, sounds like she was a ladyboy who had had it all done apart from the big chop!Stick>. She probably would have reached that point already if she hadn’t been obsessing about every little perceived flaw.

Nothing I could say to her could dissuade her from her course. I knew it even though I made a half-hearted effort at stopping her. We all have to exorcise our demons in our own way. This was hers. If not for this, this would have been the happiest time of my life. How can you be happy when someone you love is in a downward spiral? At times she seemed happy but I know she really wasn’t. Sure, there were some moments of bliss but, with the underlying discontent, how could you ever really be happy when you couldn’t look at yourself without finding flaws. On top of it all, these imaginary flaws were only in her head. Those must surely be the worst ones to deal with because, no matter what you do to your external appearance, you’re never really getting to the source of your pain.

Ultimately, I couldn’t turn my back on her even though her course of action was in direct opposition to our being together. It was obvious we could not find happiness in her current frame of mind. It was also obvious that we would not be together if she ever reached the end of this path she was currently traveling on. Having taken the time to look at the state of my own life, I knew I had to help her in this quest. I didn’t want to do it but that was my own selfish desire rearing its ugly head. My bank transferred the remainder of the funds that she would need and her operation was scheduled. We had about a month before the big day arrived. She was euphoric and our time together was truly amazing. As the day grew closer, the intensity of our relationship mushroomed and the sex was beyond incredible. I knew there was no turning back but I hoped that something would happen to cause a delay in the operation. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. No good deed goes unpunished, eh? April 12 soon arrived and I went to the hospital with her. She was in such good spirits I really hated letting her go. I was happy for her, because she had been dreaming of this day for a long time, but I was saddened by the whole experience. It certainly seemed as if she was truly happy in the past month. I prayed she would finally be at peace with herself when it was over.

Toy died under the knife that day. If I could go back and change anything, or withhold the funds she needed, I wouldn’t do it. It would have done nothing but prolong her suffering and the outcome would have been the same. I sat around the hospital for a long time, not knowing how I would feel when I finally left. She had figured so prominently in all my future plans and now everything was up in the air. I was both happy and sad and it was strange to be feeling that way after what had just occurred. I was happy for her. Truly I was. When I saw her again, I knew it had been the right decision. She had planned for this day for so long. Now, as I talked with her, I was introduced to Phet. As far as she was concerned, Toy, and every trace of her old life, was dead. She was now who she was meant to be.

My time over the next two weeks was spent caring for her and helping with her recovery. People don’t realize how hard it can be. In my opinion, two weeks wasn’t really enough time but I had no more time to stay. I had a contract job waiting and, although I really didn’t need the job, I’d already given my word and people were depending on me to be there. Besides, even if I didn’t need them now, I might need them in the future. Phet was going to take a little more time before returning to work and I made sure someone was there to help her. Then it was back home, back to my material-filled but, nonetheless, empty life.

Although it’s been less than a month since I left Bangkok, I really miss her. We talk every two or three days, sometimes as much as three hours. She is, and will remain, my best friend. She, better than anyone, understands why it could no longer work out between us. I have to be true to myself just as she had to be. My current contract will run through the end of July. They sometimes get extended but I’ve already given notice that I will not accept an extension of this particular job. Come August, I’ll once again be Bangkok bound. Three more months of sun and fun awaits me. That, and a reunion with Phet. There’s no way I’d let anything stand in the way of this trip.

Not knowing what to expect when I go back is likely to heighten my excitement as the time approaches. I’m not sure how I’ll feel, seeing Phet in person, thinking of her as just a friend. Odds are that something will happen between us if I’m on my own too long. She does, after all, have an ass that I would kill for and we were really good together. Eager to show me just how good a friend she’ll be, she’s promised to arrange introductions to some girls that she knows will be more to my liking. As much as I love her, she knew, and accepts, the consequences of the decision she made. Whoever said less is more didn’t know what the hell they were talking about.


Stickman's thoughts:

Is it just me who finds all this kind of weird? You met her very easily indeed, and things happened more quickly than would be considered typical. What does / did she do?

And then you say such things as the big last operation and the change of name and the fact that one person died and another was born. I just can't help thinking that it was……… a katoey getting the big chop! Maybe it is just my warped mind, I don't know – but I (and I am sure the readers too) would love clarification here!