Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 172
• Schengen International Hotel
• Spring Garden Hotel Beijing
• Super 8 Hotel Yizhuang Tian Bao
• Taiwan Hotel Beijing
Dateline: Now baby now . . .
GREETINGS STICKMANITES AND LESSER MORTALS–
Here at Dana Central on Beacon Hill in Boston where even the beagles and poodles have Masters degrees and their own yoga instructors and butlers; we get a lot of inquiries from 'Soon-To-Visit-The-Kingdom' ites; and they want to learn what they need to know before deplaning at Bhumi. We get about 240 of these letters and emails per month. Ok, that's not quite right. We get about 24 letters and emails per month. Alright, last month we got two or three emails. But that's not really the point. The point is that they've asked around, and they have trawled the net, and they have bought lots of books. Then they come to Papa. I get questions like:
Sa Wa Dii Khrap Hansum Man Kuhn Dana–
If there is a humidity level of 82% with partial cumulous cloud cover, and the Pattaya boardwalk freelancer has a boil on her eyelid, and she says she knows you, and I see the police coming, and there is a roach on her knee and she does not even knock it off–how much for short time?
Soon To Be A Victim In The Kingdom
and . . .
Hello Head Crankster and Head Far Out Dudester–
I'm a rockin' cat,
And I wants to know–
Where can I score
Some super pure blow?
I'm asking you
'Cause no one believes–
Your just pluggin' holes,
And readin' tea leaves.
Meet me at Bhumi–
It's my very first trip.
I need your guidance–
I don't want to slip.
So email me back . . .
I'm lookin' for powder fine blow.
Hook me up–
Tell me what I need to know.
Well, let's just take a shortcut here Fans: there are only two things you need to know on your first trip to the Kingdom. Wait a minute . . . I need to re-medicate. I know this may seem a little off topic but if you take your medications and mash them up with saltine crackers and then jam the pulp up in the roof of your mouth you get a nice steady drip all day. But I digress . . . below are the only two things you need to know on your first trip to the Kingdom.
1. The Official Name of Bangkok in Thai is: Krungthep Mahanaknon Amon Rattanakosin Mahintharayuttaya Mahadilokphop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udom Ratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathatiya Witsanukam Prasit.
The meaning of the Official Name of Bangkok is–City of Angels, Great City of Immortals, Magnificent City of the Nine Gems, Seat of the King, City of Royal Palaces, Home of the Gods Incarnate, Erected by Visvakarman at Indra's Behest.
2. The Official Name of the Official Farang in Thai is: Ulhdlh Olhal Pandddl Yalhdoh Taldhfuopfnllflfjf-ladoj Khaoihd-ahd Eosldhd Mlhsdlfhljdfdjfkdsjfljf Ijd Aaldjoljfpdfjpdjfdjff Bodujf Wajodjfd Vhaffh Cdaodffj Nold Phudhjghad Waod Jouofufjasj Sfoadfhdfh Dana Qaofhof Godhead Aahdhf Pafhaoffu Foduff dfdfj Jjopu Jaopuds dfjawlfjlfj Dana Roeeueppe.
The meaning of the Official Name Of The Official Farang is–Farang of Angels, Great Farang of Immortals, Magnificent Farang of the Nine Short-Times, Seat of the AA Hotel, Farang of Superbabies and Polo Lounge, Farang of the Pattaya Boardwalk Incarnate, Erections by Viagra at Dana's Request.
There it is newbies: that is all you need to know–Bangkok and Dana. Now get on the plane.
(winner of the 2006 Som Nam Na Pattaya Expats Writer's Award)
I have an expat friend in Pattaya who by any measure that you would care to apply is an alpha male. So 'alpha male' is this guy that at first introduction it is a little diminishing. He is tall and strong and smart and handsome and urbane and educated and talented and social and has been successful in business and in his personal life. The Midas touch gifted to him at birth while the rest of us are still trying to find our feet with a flashlight and wondering about whether saving belly button lint is a good idea. In addition he has that London accent that makes him seem even more superior and clever and sexy. And of course he is a world traveler and can drop round-the-world exotica words like Moorea and Rota Ruoa and Panang and Hat Yai and Tahiti and Bali and Jakarta and Singapore into any conversation. It's almost over the top but not quite. Even here he wins. He is so likable you want to be with him and be his friend. An alpha male.
But recently I have had to do so some re-examining about this whole alpha male thing. You see his love interest and live-in teeruk took it upon herself to leave his home and go back to the bar scene. He was devastated. But time tells all and time heals all and so he eventually moved on with his life. Result? He met another wonderful woman and she moved in. Tranquility again? Not bloody likely mate–there is more. About this time the first teeruk 'wife' who had found him wanting and her prior bar girl life compelling decided that she had acted rashly and made a personal error and missed ‘home' and wanted to return. Which she did.
Now this smartipants guy with stories about London and Perth and Norwegian oil rigs has two women living in his house each having been told that they are special, and each having been given to understand that they are part of a commitment relationship, and each having reached the conclusion that they are the 'wife'. This guy's house and his life is now a Ticking Thai Teeruk Timebomb (TTTT). Accents and safari suits aren't going to be enough.
So, considering the situation that he has gotten himself into, and considering the fact that he has had to bring over all of his scissors and knives and deposit them with me, and considering the fact that no man in his right mind or with the brain power of a beagle would ever get himself in a situation like this; is this big tall guy with the exotic anecdotes, and the meaningful pauses, and the sardonic superior smile, and the Empire patina an alpha male?
No, he's just another farang in Thailand and not that superior to me. Hell, I could have screwed up that much. There, I feel better now.