Night Fright God Squad, Part One

Dear Gentle Reader,

Please accept this fictional story that was inspired by my own observations of the Christian Fundamentalists that continually irritate all of us here in Bangkok. They seem to have infested the area around Nana Plaza in particular.

This is intended as a well-deserved parody, and I certainly mean no harm to anyone, but having said that, I really don’t care if the Fundamentalist wankers won’t get their little panties in a wad over this or not . . .

Cast of Main Characters:

1.) Reverend Bob: An up and coming leader in the First Apocalyptic Baptist Church of Atlanta, an evangelical, a cultist, and a former shoe salesman with an 8th grade education. Bob has found paradise in Bangkok, running the Night Fright Ministry,
where he converts the wicked, makes some money on the side, and does a little frolicking himself with other homo’s in cruisy toilets.

2.) Ellen Phatass: An American butch lesbian, man-hater, bible-thumper, and follower of Reverend Bob.

3.) Noi: Former Thai bar girl, currently working as Girl Friday to Bill Johnson, a Farang bar owner; Noi is secretly working both sides and is currently assigned as an interpreter to Reverend Bob.

4.) Police Lt. Booncoon: Thai police officer in the Tourist Police, who (reluctantly) accepted an assignment to assist and protect Reverend Bob.

5.) Katie McJerkin: Freelance correspondent and second-string wannabe journalist; She hopes to make it big time by selling sex slave stories to CNN and the BBC.

6.) Bill Johnson: A Farang bar owner with two bars in Nana Plaza. Bill is a grizzled old ‘Nam vet who came to Thailand in the 1970’s and just never left. Noi is his friend, confidant, and Girl Friday.

Venue: The background of the story is the heart of the Falang ghetto, Sukhumvit Soi One through Soi Thirty-Three. Ground Zero is Nana Plaza and the Nana Hotel.

Timeline: Now

We enter the story after the God Squad is already well-established in Bangkok…

It is Friday night in Bangkok, and the Night Fright God Squad has just left their bunker on Soi 4, walking along the side Soi towards Soi Nana, where they intend to grapple with Satan and his demons.

The Reverend Bob is chatting with Ellen as they walk. Let’s listen in, shall we?

“At last, a meaningful ministry of my own”, said Reverend Bob. “Are you talking to me, boss?” asked Ellen, nervously picking at the Vitalis and wax pomade residue in her short butch-cut hair. “Yeah”,
said Bob, “It doesn’t get any better than this, wrestling with the wicked, making some extra cash, and playing with LadyBoys.”, sighed Bob. “God has given me this paradise to enjoy, mine all mine…”, he whispered
as an after thought.

Turning from the side Soi onto Soi Nana, Bob found himself suddenly bumping into two little flower girls that were also headed towards Nana Plaza.

“Look”, said Bob, “These kids could be child prostitutes, let’s interview them, where is Noi?” “Hold on, I’ll call her”, said Ellen. Bob quickly got the attention of the two girls, offering
them a few baht for some flowers, and, as an afterthought, he pulled some candy out of his pocket for them. That triggered a pleasant flashback for Bob, as he recalled how he used to give candy to the children in Atlanta, back when he secretly
did the nude flasher in the trench coat routine at the local elementary school playground, before he was arrested and convicted, before his therapy, before he was chemically neutered and paroled, and before he was saved and converted by his mentor
Pat Robertson …

But these little flower girls were street smart, and they had a sixth sense for perverts. They just knew that something was really kinky about Bob, so they just smiled their small smiles, but they wouldn’t let him touch them.

The girls tried to inch their way up Soi Nana towards Sukhumvit, towards Nana Plaza, and away from Bob and Ellen.

Bob and Ellen followed the girls, pretending to haggle over the cost of buying more flowers. Finally, they all stopped on the sidewalk again, they were almost to Nana Plaza, and directly across from the Nana Hotel. After a few minutes, Noi
showed up, riding like the whore-princess that she was, side-saddle on a moto-taxi. “My, Noi, you look lovely tonight”, gushed Ellen, fairly drooling over the slim Isaarn girl. Noi always felt a little ‘sick’ in her
stomach whenever Ellen looked at her that way…

“Noi, we have got to save these children. First, we must get them to tell us, on camera, about their personal story of slavery, about the sexual abuse, about all of the men that have touched them and molested them”. Bob was
fairly ranting.

“Uh, Mister Bob”, said Noi, “This girl only prathom 2, and this little girl maybe prathom 1, they not sell the pussy, they just sell flowers. I know them, I know mom of girls, she street vendor, she protect them good”,
added Noi, proudly and confidently.

“What”, shouted Bob, “you don’t understand, you…” (He caught himself as he almost muttered ‘ignorant little savage’ to Noi under his breath) “Noi, we must save these girls, we must
bring them into the bosom of Christ our Lord, we must free them from their sinful ways, and we must help God punish the wicked evil men that molest these children!!”

“Mister Bob”, said Noi, “This girls not sell the pussy, really, but if you want to interview bar girls tonight, like you told me this morning, we can do that, OK?”

“Noi, I order you”, shouted Bob, “You will help me do the Lord’s work, now interpret for me, while I speak to this poor child.”

Bob knelt on the sidewalk before the oldest girl, gazing into her perfect almond-shaped eyes, admiring her long, straight, beautiful black hair, and without consciously realizing what he was doing, he began gently touching the child, her
arm, her waist, trailing his hand down her back and touching her thigh… Ellen quietly coughed, and nudged Bob, bringing him out of his self-destructive reverie… Bob regained his senses, and began questioning the child in soothing patronizing
tones:

“Sweetie, have any bad Falang ever touched you here”, Bob gestured to her legs, lightly touching her there again.

“She say ‘no’, she say you the first”, laughed Noi.

“Satan, leave this child!!”, screamed Bob, “Jesus will hear the truth from her”. With that, the girl began crying, and pulled away to the comfort and familiarity of Thai people, clinging to her little sister, and
hiding behind Noi.

“Bob”, laughed Noi, “you scare the kid, she just the baby girl, she think you crazy, she think you want to hurt her”.

About that time, Police Lt. Booncoon drove up in his patrol car, and realizing that Bob was out of his element, he began speaking in Thai with Noi, trying to evaluate the situation. But, the circus was just beginning, and almost immediately
Katie McJerkin arrived in a taxi with her cameraman. Sensing fresh meat, Katie ordered the camera to roll, and she began to interview Bob, asking him how he “discovered” the child prostitute, that was cleverly disguising herself
as a flower vendor.

A crowd soon gathered, including some expats that spilled out from nearby beer bars and restaurants. The mother of the two flower girls saw what was happening, abandoned her pushcart, and ran down the street. She was immediately questioned
and harangued with a barrage of accusations, including Katie asking, “Are you the mama san, are you the owner of these girls?” Not waiting for the Thai translation, and not fully understanding the use of the English word ‘mama’,
the mother of the two girls simply nodded her head ‘yes’.

With that, all Hell broke loose. Bob began shouting to Booncoon that he must arrest the Thai mother of the girls. Ellen began shouting orders at Noi, telling her that the little girls must be brought to the church’s shelter so that
Bob could ‘protect’ them over night.

The good reverend was still on his knees, with his arms now wrapped around each of the two screaming little girls and refusing to let them go. There was a cacophony of people screaming ‘at’ each other but no one listening. Bob
was alternately calling on Jesus and admonishing Satan, in his high-pitched whining Southern drawl. The Thai mother was huddled down with her girls, trying to pull them back from the clutches of Reverend Bob. Ellen and Katie were shouting at Booncoon,
making demands. Noi and Booncoon were as if mute, stunned, not knowing what to say or do.

Suddenly, and without warning, a small flaming Chihuahua sailed through the air, and bounced off of Booncoon’s squad car. A man and an old woman appeared in an upper window of Nana Hotel and were seen to shake their fists at the crowd
below.

“A flaming dog, it’s a sign from the Lord”, Bob quietly intoned.

“No”, laughed Noi, “That’s not the Jesus, that’s just Dana and his mom. They the crazy Falang, for sure.”

So ends another episode of ‘Night Fright God Squad’.

Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode, when we find out how investigative journalism really works.

Respectfully submitted,

Lee, Won-Jae

Stickman's thoughts:

No comments as I am out of Bangkok at the moment.