Readers' Submissions

Incountry #23



China Hotel Guide
• Industry & Commerce Hotel
• Jade Garden Hotel
• Jin Ya Hotel
• Kapok Hotel

After an atomic war who would be left? Princess and the cockroaches and my second wife and almost all of Soi 6. The rest of us will be all gone.

A lot of people go to Soi 6 early, there is reason for that.

Soi 6 is Pattaya’s version of Alice’s Restaurant.

You can start at either end of the three block long street but it all ends up at the same place. It is wet and warm and moderately priced and fresh before dark.

I don’t think solo masturbation exists on Soi 6 except as an arcane concept to be remembered in old wives' tales or as part of whaling logs on trips away from Pattaya and one tall ladyboy name Jane who can never get enough.

Lurching down Soi 6 we discovered pyrotechnics along with music. Normally when one hears explosives in Asia it is reason to run. Not in Pattaya. You are safe in Pattaya.

All of the Arabs that are blowing the rest of the world are in Pattaya for pussy. They don’t want to blow up Pattaya.

You may think I am kidding about this but the amount of tourists in Pattaya from Iran and Iraq among other Middle Eastern countries is absolutely astounding.

I know about all of the virgin stuff waiting in the next life but in this life the Arab community is getting its ass today in Pattaya.

I thought I saw Osama on Walking Street last night having a beer with Pan and Poong. Do you really think a cat with all that money is hanging out in a cave in Afghanistan?

Before all of the intelligence gurus of the world start to call me for an answer of fanaticism, please boys and girls do your homework.

The entire Arab world that is trying to blow up the entire Western world is peacefully co-existing in Pattaya because of Thai pussy.

Ask any question of the ages. How to have world peace? Thai pussy. What is the meaning of life? Thai pussy. How do you stop global warming? Thai pussy. Think about it for a while. Three Thai women to one 100cc motorbike is really energy conservation. Three Thai women to one bed in a small apartment with no AC or hot water is really energy conservation. The amount of clothes worn by Thai women in Pattaya is conserving cloth. I don’t drive anymore because I am afraid to drive with so many drunk Thai women on the road in speeding motorbikes. So that is another car off the street. I take baht buses because I see so many beautiful available women in them I could never imagine going back to an solo automobile. Most Thai women don’t even use tampons. They have a small reusable sponge egg which has the dual purpose of permitting them to tell you they are not having their period. Any way you look at it Thai pussy could save the planet. You don’t think I live in Thailand for some prurient sex reason do you? No I am here in the service of all of mankind.

Starting at Beach Road we headed toward the explosions the direction of 2nd road. The booms and bangs were emanating from in front of the Jack Tar pub. An older English gentleman appeared by his Thai costume to be getting married to an older Thai lady who was also suitably attired. The couple had hired a band and a whole pig was turning on the spit and a large number of people from different parts of the UK were wishing the couple well and consuming large quantities of beer and spirits while helping the Thai band with Rod Stewart and Beetles songs.

I ordered a beer as my companions blended in with the crowd. The 50 girls from the Red Spot were all outside dancing. Women I had never seen before were shoving greasy hot BBQ pork parts in mouth. Men I had never met before were buying me drinks as we toasted the happy couple.

It had snuck up on me. I had not noticed it happening. I had become a balloon chaser. Every night all over Pattaya at many of the thousands of bars it is somebody’s birthday, or someone gets married or some other event of local importance. These affairs are marked by hundreds of balloons being installed outside the celebrating bar. These events are always accompanied by some form of entertainment and free food. You don’t really have to buy food in Pattaya. One simply walks down the street until you see the balloons. There I was, outrageously drunk, dancing in the street with 200 hookers also outrageously drunk groping me with the same enthusiasm I groped them and all for only 60 baht, the price of my first beer.

Conveniently for older gentlemen like me all the bars and gogos on Soi 6 have smallish rooms above the establishments to grab a quick rest and a shower. I checked into the Red Spot with a short haired Thai imitation of a hip hop girl who had some nice dance moves on the street and she opted for a small tip to take me up to the nap room.

I have noticed that women who pay particular attention to soaping and cleaning ones derriere are a sign of an enjoyable evening to come. I, of course reciprocated and was not let down in my expectations. After a short romp and rest I was rejuvenated. Washing machine Roy and motorbike Dave were stumbling out of Betty Boop with two women who looked quite young but I am sure they checked IDs. Soi 6 is not much on business paperwork and one is advised to be careful in that neighborhood.

I think most of you realize these stories lag the actual events. In this case about a month. Now it is raining heavily here. It is raining lesbians. I have never seen so many lesbians at one time in my life and I have to run out and research it to find out exactly why. But never fear I shall return with the rest of the action as our merry band continues up the mid section of Soi 6 and on to the final nirvana of the King Kong sports and multicultural bar. Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment and don’t forget your umbrellas.

Stickman's thoughts:

I love the term balloon chaser. That one took me a long time to work out though for someone who is not partial to throwing money around, I never became one. Funny too that it is very much a Pattaya concept and you seldom, if ever, hear that term in Bangkok.

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