Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 170

  • Written by Dana
  • March 31st, 2007
  • 7 min read


China Hotel Guide
• Grand Metropark Hotel Beijing
• Guo Hong Hotel
• Holiday Inn Central Plaza Hotel
• Norlin Hotel


"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." — Shakespeare

SHAKESPEARE IN THAILAND

I don't want to say my Thai girlfriend is theatrical but last time she started rippin' and clawin' at me, and throwing and smashing things; she ended up by throwing the back of her hand to her forehead and launching into Shakespeare–

"Reputation, reputation, reputation! Oh, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial."

She ended with the wild eyes of the mentally unbalanced and sent the name of the play (Othello), and the act number (2), and the scene number (3); at me like a cobra spitting a stream of venom. The game was on.

Me: You have lost your reputation? Well, ok honey–maybe: but if we are going to bring Shakespeare into this midsummer's madness all I can think of is "What is past is prologue" and "What's done can't be undone" and "Mind your speech a little lest you should mar your fortunes". But I did not say any of those things. What I said was:

"Stop throwing my stuff you stupid woman; and stop screaming, and stop frightening the cat."

Her response–my Elizabethan dark skin banshee? "Be though familiar but by no means vulgar". You don't love me and you don't understand me. "Women speak two languages–one of which is verbal". You don't understand the other language I am speaking because you don't love me: "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"

Me: Revenge?

With that she launched a meat cleaver missile that missed me but made a direct hit on the fish tank. No Shakespearean fish tank quotes came to mind as neons, and angelfish, and miniature sharks, and guppies, and catfish splurged out onto the rug; but it did occur to me that "An overflow of good converts to bad", and "The lady doth protest too much–methinks", and "The course of true love never did run smooth", and "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound", and "Confusion now hath made his masterpiece".

But thoughts that occur to men and the things they say to women are often two different things. When she raised her hand and arm to throw the meat cleaver at me her breasts rose and spread, and her stomach went flat and tight, and muscles burst to the surface in her thighs. A thin line of sweat was on her upper lip, and the insides of her legs were wet and running. I got distracted.

What I wanted to say was: "Beauty is all very well at first sight; but whoever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?" Yeah, that would have stopped in her tracks. Nothing like a snappy quote from the bard with the lace ruffled collar to stop these Siamese schizos in their tracks. But like I say, I got distracted and started to have flashbacks to the night before when we had bonked like bunnies on speed and she had gotten her skull bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bangity bang bang banged on the headboard. Maybe she was mental from bonking or something. I almost started to pity her when she said–

"I HAVE BEEN LIVING HERE FOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU HAVE NOT MARRIED ME YET."

and I repeat:

"I HAVE BEEN LIVING HERE FOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU HAVE NOT MARRIED ME YET."

Sweet Jesus on a cracker . . .

and I paraphrase:

'Sweet Sufferin' Jesus on a saltine cracker' that caused my head to snap back to reality. The witches in Macbeth weren't that crazy. Forget the headboard bonking–this woman is just nuts. Nutso. Flippo. Looney. Mental. Scrambled. Ah hell, she's Thai. And it made me think like Shakespeare:

"Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything."

Makes you wonder how much time Shakespeare spent in Pattaya between plays. Don't tell me Willy-the-Shake never did any Pattaya bonking because there is an Isaan recipe right there in the play Macbeth:

"Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,"

If that's not Isaan cooking I'll push a used condom down Beach road with my nose. I rest my case. The bard wasn't just hanging out in playwright cafes in merrye olde Englande. He was also banging like a hammer with a stutter in goode olde Pattayae. Anyway, to return to my personal and dangerous domestic drama with Miss Nutso–I didn't say:

"Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything."

because by now she had gone into crazy screeching overdrive and had torn off her halter top, and kicked off her G-string, and was trying to pick up my computer to throw it. I got distracted again. You had to be there.

It may be true that "It is not in the stars to hold our own destiny but in ourselves" but like I said you had to be there. It wasn't my destiny I was holding but my dick, and I could sense a fork in the road coming up. It may have been true that "Hell is empty and all the devils are here" but this She Devil was working her mojo on me and I could no longer deny that "Temptation is the fire that brings up the scum of the heart". I was now no better than her. She had done her job well. It is all very well to say "Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall" but like I said, you had to be there. Scum in my heart like gorge in a throat was rising, my dick was a piece of steel, and her sweat soaked body was bent over the computer.

The rest was only Shakespeare after five whiskeys–plays and quotes that never saw the Elizabethan light. I stepped forward and said "It is one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall" and I am falling now. "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is our wisest course". We bonked like rabbits.

Lesson: If you are going to play house with Thai teeruks you better learn your Shakespeare. It is all very well to travel to the Kingdom thinking–

"What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god":

but once they start throwing meat cleavers and quotes at you while the insides of their thighs turn to rivers of musk and sweat–you are going to need to be prepared. "Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!" and "Now is the winter of our discontent" are not going to be enough. You are going to need heavy duty quotes and lots of them. You are in the smack-down contest of your life, and you are going to need at least fifty 'punch her to the midsection' quotes. The real experienced or long term players, or elderly freelancers, or top money Go-Go bar takeouts can spit relevant Shakespeare stunners and body slams at you like a machine gun spits bullets. You're in the Kingdom now brother and you better get tough. Remember, these girls spend all day learning about ATM machines, and Connect Four, and Shakespeare.

We bonked like rabbits.

Stickman's thoughts:

First Kipling, then Shakespeare. Who's next?