Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 167
OH THOSE WACKY FARANGS
Ok, I admit it; sometimes you have to agree that the way farangs behave is just past understanding for Thais and it is not the Thais' fault. Sometimes in our egocentricity we forget how we must look to others. Consider this:
One night I picked up a father's-daughter-and-a-mother's-pride in the Nana Hotel parking lot and took her upstairs. Mistake. She was dumber than a bucket of paint and had the eyes of a beagle. Forget Boom-Boom. I didn't want to do anything with her. Think I am exaggerating? Ok, then try this idea on for size. She was too dumb to even go starfish on you. I think you can see now that this was not a film of stupidity, or a puddle of stupidity, but a deep deep well of stupidity. I tried some regrouping action like getting her to get naked and pose and please me, or try on my clothes and strut around the room or; well, just anything to earn her money and my time. But it was hopeless. How hopeless? Ok, I won't go back to the deep well analogy but consider this: I did not even play shower games with her. I had an attractive, young, willing Asian whore in my room and I did not even strip her and put her in the shower. I think now you can see what I was up against. So I give her 500 baht (money for nothing) and we go back down to the lobby. As the elevator doors open I can see in the eyes of the security guard that he is calculating the time and the expenditure. About fifteen minutes. 500 baht for fifteen minutes.
I pick up another slut in the carpark immediately and go back to the security guard. He takes her card and puts it in the shoe box and into the elevator we go. In the room she is horrible. This one is smarter than a bucket of paint but dumber than a bucket of dirt and completely inept in the arts of sex and beyond hope. I tell her to get dressed and down we go. Another 500 baht pissed out the window. More money for nothing for the woman I think is dumb; but who is thinking I'm a dumbass because she just got a rural week's pay for nothing. Dumbass Farangs. I stand next to her as the security guard fishes around in the shoe box for her ID card. As I am standing at the little table in front of the elevators I can actually see through the security guards skull into his brain and this is what I see him saying to himself:
"This farang has just spent 1000 baht in 30 minutes. Do they shit money?"
You guessed it–now I am wired and determined to bonk something. I took some Viagra (not for myself–I am running an experiment for someone else) and I do not how long it is going to last. So time is now a factor. I make a circuit of the carpark and pick up a cute tranny with nice heaving cleavage. This should be a guarantee. Of course I don't know any of this from personal experience-having fun and making myself happy is wrong–I have learned that; this is just something about trannies I have heard. A tranny is a sexual guarantee.
They are apparently demented, perverted, sickening slut animals who will suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, and bark like dogs while wearing lampshades on their heads and packing the chocolate hole with lube. Again, I don't know any of this personally; I have just heard this from other guys, who have heard it from other other guys, who have heard it from friends of other guys, who have heard it from other guys who once read it somewhere and figure it must be like that . . . . and heard it from someone in Pakistan, and got an email from a dude in Tasmania, and once saw a net porn picture of one, and knew a woman who had an ex-husband who got caught by a cop who was wearing panties and . . . . thousands of working trannies in the Kingdom but no farang has ever rubbed against one.
Of course I totally disapprove of this tranny stuff. I'm no sicko and I know what is wrong because someone tells me about every hour. Once again–trafficking in trannies is wrong and I do not know any of this from personal experience but it is regroup time. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I am two down in what is supposed to be one of the world's premier red light districts. I need a guarantee. So it is tranny hunting time and I pick up this cute little number with heaving cleavage. I am going to blow my Viagra tubes like wadding leaving a cruiser's 12 inch guns and I am not going to be holding Bibles in each while I am doing it. Forgive me mother but I had a penis coming out of you, and I still have a penis today, and I intend to do something with it. Anyway, back to the security guard. My tranny love hasn't got an ID card (big surprise) but she tells him something (???) and up we go.
Only one thing: From the pickup point near the metal sign on wheels at the beginning of the carpark to the hotel room door she had been kinda lagging behind. Not really keeping up. Not really walking beside me. A bad sign. A very bad sign. She should have been beaming, and smiling, and tipping her head, and pushing up her fake tits, and clinging to me like a . . . well, she should have been glad to be with me and selling it like crazy. That is how the money is earned and the file of suckers is put together. I'll spare you the details. I had made another mistake. Bad to worse in about 15 seconds. So horrible that I just put her I'm-Pretending-I'm-A-Woman purse in her hand and led her to the door. The two of us go down. I give her nothing. Back to the security guard where she tells him something (???) and then we go through the lobby. But the security guard doesn't know I didn't pay this one. He is probably thinking three women in 50 minutes equals 1500 baht.
"Do the farangs shit and piss money? Do they fxxxing SHIT money?"
Now I am standing at the entrance to the Nana Hotel where the exit kinda slopes down. I'm done. Pooped. Then I notice the waving. Every girl in the carpark has seen this madness and heard about me from the first two ball grabbers. Now they are lined up opposite the entrance to the hotel waving and smiling at me. White flashing teeth, and glinty happy eyes, and little hands doing the western beauty contest wave. One has her hand on her hip and is pelvic thrusting: always a winner when attracting the Dana Love Machine (DLM).
"The crazy farang will give you 500 baht for nothing. You don't have to drop your pants and you don't have to open your mouth. And don't forget to look in the toilet. They shit money."
I start to laugh. It's funny. The tension and the disappointment wash out of me. Time to walk down Soi 4 and see if I can find the woman who sells chicken-on-a-stick. Time to stand in front of the Bus Stop restaurant and smile at the door girls. Time to go to Ball-in-Hand and play an hour of pool. Time to see if I can get into the new hotel pool on the fourth floor and just lie back and look at the stars. Time to buy some expensive glossy Thai magazines and soak in the tub.
So all the girls thought I was crazy and the security guard thought I was crazy; and they will all tell their separate stories to others. The crazy farang. The crazy farangs. "Money for nothing. They must shit money."
Can't blame them.
Maybe the DLM has a flaw?